Liberty,
I wrote this in another response to you but I will tell you again...I am pretty much where you are right now (5 days NC on the personal relationship, 2 days NC regarding another part of our relationship which should be pretty much over soon, thank goodness). I am consumed with anger...mostly over my own stupidity of having seen the red flags very early in the relationship and ignoring them AND of having broken NC last week. I had told him NO MORE on Thursday and on Friday he contacted me like nothing had happened - he totally acted like he had no idea I had broken it off the day before - and I allowed him to weasel his way back in, albeit only for a brief moment. I must be the stupidist person on the planet and I am going to start therapy next week to understand WHY I allowed this to happen to me. I am a smart, professional, confident woman. Why did I let this happen?
I was sure he wouldn't contact me, too. I honestly thought he was done with me and I was GLAD. And it is like they KNOW we are moving on without them, they know exactly what buttons to push and WHEN to push them. We just have to keep telling ourselves what losers and cowards and incapable people (and I use that term loosely) they are. We don't deserve to be with losers like them. We deserve better! And we need to start believing that giving into them, breaking NC, will only lead us to more heartbreak, more pain, a quicker D&D. Breaking NC means more emotional and mental pain for us. We need to keep telling ourselves this...and remembering the last time that proved this true. We need to get ANGRY. We have not lost. We have gotten stronger. If you can block him, do it! Sadly, I cannot but I can't go into details at this time.
Hi there,
It was a pleasure to read your post (in the other thread)- It was unfortunately very late this side of earth when I read it and it was my last 'oh I'll just read this one before going to sleep) read!
You are so welcome. I am glad that in what I wrote you found something of value. It is so easy to give of our experiences in the hope that it may be helpful to others when all I have found since being here is total generosity of self in support of our struggle through these difficult times.
I must thank you! This morning I awoke feeling angry but determined and reading your aboove message has served to powerfully reinforce the sense of tenacity and hope.
It could so easily gone one of two ways based upon such conflictual emotional a position- I would have eaten the entire jar of peanut butter staring into space at the breakfast bar (!) or done what you have helped me to do: set about taking control of my life back.
I am sorry that you have suffered. It seems as though we are on a parallelled time line in terms of NC.
I think the key question for me is not so much 'Why did I let it happen?' Rather, why did it take me so long (4 months) to get the hell out?
We let it happen because we want to be loved and we had no reason at the outset to believe 'this' man was noyt deserving of a chance to prove that he was deserving of ours. Because we are benevolent we overlook oddness, dismissing it as the idiosyncracies of getting to know someone.
I know for me that I blinded myself and so stayed because I so wanted him to be right. I'm in my 30's, independent, professional and feel the time is right for me to settle and commit to someone. I fell in love with the fantasy of being married to a successful, gorgeous, European lawyer and it was this that I was clinging on to, overlooking the real person whose mask was gradually slipping...
I hope that therapy goes well for you. Superb for for taking care of you at this time.
Take care,
Liberty
x
"It is that we loved that makes this so frikken hard. I wish I could turn this off."
No! YOU loved! HE is INCAPABLE!
Only you can turn it off. No contact..in ANY form. Change your number and email address.
Plus, I stopped getting involved with him when I had enough pain. You will too.
~Free to Be~
http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/09/11/what-no-contact-means
http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/09/07/gift-fear-curse-anxiety
http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/10/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts
http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/01/no-no-list-after-you-or-he-leaves
http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/09/19/your-memory-use-it
http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/14/normal
http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/07/31/there-no-such-thing-safe-level-contact
http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/07/20/so-your-worm-crawled-back-one-word-stomp
http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/06/10/staying-narcissist-can-endanger-your-physical-health
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CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily
"As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
I've been NC for a few weeks. I'm starting to feel much better. I'm not checking my phone or my emails as much. It is a must for me. I know if I go back, nothing will change. Having NC with him has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I also don't understand why this is so hard on me. I went through a nasty divorce and death of my mother at the same time and I don't think I had this hard of a time. Why? He treated me like crap and never cared about me..... NC........
Blocking is def. the way to go! I've been about 6 weeks NC b/c I blocked him from everything. I have no doubt he has tried to contact me and I feel great knowing he was disappointed when he couldn't get through. But beware.....I had blocked him from my cell phone. Well, apparantly, the block is temporary and expires. No one told me this. He texted me on Tuesday saying, "Are you still blocking me?" I was shaking when I saw his # come up. Here I am just about to set dinner on the table for my family, and I get that. I was furious and then realized, ok, I have the power to choose right now how this is going to go. I did not respond and deleted his text. After dinner I got his # blocked again. What a euphoric feeling I had. THAT was THE BEST revenge I could ever have. I took the power away from him, and I am sure he is shocked that I didn't answer. I know it didn't hurt him, because he is incapable of that, but it did get him angry because he has lost control of me. I feel so victorious, but I do know I still have much healing to go through. he mentioned when we were together that many times he almost hired a P.I. to find me (we were highschool/college sweethearts for 4 years, 20 years ago). That may be a lie, but I do worry he will come around and follow me to see what I am up to, come to my house, or hire someone to. I'm not sure how far he will go to get to me again.
I'm trying to be strong like all of you. I last had contact on Friday, 4 days ago. He texted on Sunday, called last night, called twice today. I haven't responded. The messages are going from "can we talk" to "so you're ignoring me, that's real mature". I am aware that it'll probably get much worse. I know I need to keep ignoring, but there is a part of me that wants him to apologize, just so I don't have his hurtful words echoing over and over in my head as the last thing he said to me. But, I know that the apology, if there even were any, would not be sincere. I haven't blocked the number because he lives two blocks from my house and I'm afraid that he'd be at my door if I did that. My hands are shaking...I'm just so confused and feel so bad.
Hello friend,
I don't have any words just now- I know that part so well, that part that begs to hear him say 'I'm sorry' I also know that part of us that knows he never will. This is the pain.
I just wanted to send you some virtual hugs...it's hard, believe me I know,
Liberty
x
time for NO CONTACT:
Block
Change
Delete
http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/09/11/what-no-contact-means
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"Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Hi & welcome ~
"Strength" takes lots of practice, you're in the right place for help and support.
Yes, if they want you back, they'll try through whatever means - from sweet talk to pouring on HUGE amounts of guilt. I got both from mine. Do your best to keep up NO Contact. Don't even read the messages, they're just designed to mess with your head, which is the least of what you need while you're trying to gain clarity. Good for you for not responding in 4 days...but to really make that break, block him totally. If he comes to your door, it's hello, police?! Wow, any way you can get some physical distance between the two of you?? That's really tough when they live that close! May be worth it.
Also, I stopped feeling bad for mine because I realized he never felt BAD for me!? All of the hell he put me through, all the tears I cried in front of him, he really didn't give a damn.
Hang in there, get some therapy if you can, keep reading ~ it will all help!
Thanks...
I don't feel bad for him. I just feel bad in general, self pity party, I guess.
As for the distance. I own my home and live there with my two kids. He bought a house on my street 5 weeks ago, despite my saying that I didn't think it was a good idea. Way to respect my boundaries, lol.
I live on a cul de sac too and have to drive by his house everytime I go to or from my home.
Sometimes, as in my case, hearing his last words as vulgar or upsetting is what strengthens you! If his last words are nice, it's a lie. If his last words are an apology, thats a lie as well. So dont wait for last words. Go no contact. The protective order is a great idea! Change your phone number and email address too. And if you have to sell the house for your own safety, do it! Better to be inconvenienced in a big way than have your mind, spirit and physical person put in jeopardy by one of these animals.
Keep reading here. You'll find it enlightening. Good luck.
~Free to Be~
http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/09/23/narcissists-inability-apologize
http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&PID=466802
http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&PID=466803
http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/06/07/confusion-being-idealized-completely-devalued-narcissist
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"Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
I am pretty much where you are....
Monica
liberty
Dolce-
what contact with them does
I agree with NC
NC
I'm trying to be strong like
ISQ00
Isq00
lsq00
Thanks... I don't feel bad
isq00
narcs NEVER really apologize anyway