Desperately need advice

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#1 March 18, 2017 - 12:23pm

Desperately need advice

I met my narc boyfriend 2 1/2 years ago. He did the whole love bombing thing like a pro. I did not know anything about narcissism before I met him so I feel for it hook, line and sinker. My friends did too. They couldn't believe how sweet and loving he was to me. We live a good distance apart and he also would travel here and there for work. The first year was amazing. Then I learned he cheated on me with someone. Not just a one night thing, he had a relationship with her for like a month! I never had a clue. I found out because he had posted on his facebook that he got married. He told me he was putting it on there. He loved the idea of us getting married so much that he even started wearing a wedding ring. He also gave me an engagement ring. When he posted he got married as a life event on his FB page I noticed a woman who I had suspicions about make a comment post "that's funny, where was I? Long story short I called him out on it and he fessed up. But he genuinely seemed upset and sorry, he even had me on the phone while I listened to him tell her that he was with me and he could not see her again, he loved me. She basically told me that yes even though he wore a wedding ring he had given her the story that it was to make his crazy ex think he was married and leave him alone. We worked hard at getting past that and I actually started to trust him forward, I have access to his cell phone account. I can see most of the calls he makes. I started noticing the same number. He was seeing a married bartender at a local hangout of his. Swore up and down he wasn't but I heard from many that he was. And she knew all about me but I guess she didn't care because she still kept seeing him. I think he finally ticked her off and stopped things with her. Now the past few months I knew he started seeing someone else, another number, he called her all the time. I called him out on it (he doesn't know I figure these things out) but he swears up and down that he is not with her.) Well he got so ticked off at me one day while I was on the phone with him while he was sitting with her having drinks that he said I was just an infatuated with him (of course she was listening to all of this) He said, you need to move on and get a life and find someone new. I sent her a text and was very nice and said he has issues I know this isn't your fault you probably no nothing about him and I and our history. But please take good care of him. He freaked out that I contacted her of course told me to get the f**k out of his life screaming on the phone. Two minutes later I'm getting a text from him: I don't want it to end this way with us. Can we please be friends. If you don't want to be I will understand. I replied that he knew I loved him and I would never turn my back on him because he knew I was the only person that knew him more than anyone else in life and even though he was so messed up, I would never be like him and turn my back on him if he needed me. But I said I will never contact you, no calls, no texts, no emails. You need me you can reach out and I will be there for you as a friend. One month went by. It killed me he was with someone else, ate me apart every day. Complete depression, but in a way relieved I would be done with all that stress In my life. His family had bee trying to get me to go no contact with him for a long time. They had warned me...I had never listened.
Now one month later he starts sending me quick texts wanting to know how I am. Just very simple quick ones. Then a week later I get one that he misses me. Then he finds out I am in town and starts texting and calling over and over. Stupid me let him wear me down and I agreed to meet him last weekend. We met twice and I had fun it was nice to see him again. The first 1/2 hour of seeing me he told me he was sorry, he f**Ked up and missed me. Said he knows he messed up. I was surprised to hear him say that, yet both times I saw him I kept my guard up and a wall and he could tell. I told him I was his friend, I was not going to let him hurt me again. Our day out ended and I did not hear from him for almost 3 days. I know that he was still calling her because I could see it on his cell account. I finally sent him a text and said I hope you didn't get in trouble by seeing me and she found out. I did not contact you for that reason, I don't want to mess up your relationship with her ,I only want you to be happy. I said good bye. I got a text right after (even though I had already called and left voicemails before that.) That one seemed to get him to respond. He texted and said that he had been working on a shrimp boat the past two days, sorry. Then he called and told me how much he loved me and everything between us was ok. He was working bartending that night so he couldn't talk long and wanted to know if I could go away with him for a few days. I did not answer that question, because I knew every word that was coming out of his mouth was bull$hit. I am not stupid, I just can't tell him whenever I know he is lying to me because he goes into a rage. He calls me yesterday (St. Paddy's day) and asks how many nights I went out this week and did I meet anybody? He has massive jealousy and possessiveness issues. I had not been out at all but tried to say, we are only friends, what would it matter. And you go out every night, and you still have a girlfriend. He hung up on me. Called me back and said sorry he was tired and he "WAS WITH NOBODY". He seemed very concerned about if I was going to go out with friends to celebrate St. Patricks Day. I said well I am but I can go where ever you are going so we can hang out. He said, alright, I'm going to hop in the shower and I will call you back in an hour. No call, no text...nothing. If I did that I would get attacked with his rage. So I left a nice voice mail and then a text and just said well I never heard back from you so we are just going to head out, maybe I will see you there. I do know where he hangs out and figured that would make him respond with panic because he would be with her. And he would have no idea if I would actually do it. I did not of course and just went about and did my own thing. I have not gotten any replies from him again with any response to the texts or voicemail I left him.
Now, here is my dilemma. I hate the fact that he thinks I am so stupid and that I don't know he is still seeing this girl. But I cannot give him the proof of how I know. (and no I did not hack into his online cell bill) He had me set it up for him. So I can look any time to see his call logs but I think he has forgotten that. I need to know how I should handle this. Of course when I got home last night I was pissed and wrote a big long goodbye letter calling him out on everything. But have not sent it. I thought about sending him a text and saying. Hope you had a safe and great St. Paddys. I didn't go see you because I didn't want to get you in trouble with your girlfriend, because obviously when you ignored me again it's because you are with her and I'm not going to mess that up so I went and had my own fun. (I know that jealousy of wondering who I was with kills him). Of course I know if I send that text I will eventually get a reply with another lame excuse of he was on a shrimp boat or something, lies like a rug. Or I just send a simple text and tell him that I have tried to be there for him, I have never in my life hurt him, but I can no longer let him play these games with me. I have moved on.
Or do I just never send a thing, the goodbye letter, the I'm moving on text because I will no longer allow you to play games with me do not contact me. Or just do nothing and no contact. I know that will be most people's response but I know most of you must know how it fees to just want to let your narc know that you are not stupid and you will simply not allow them to play all the games with you and kind of convey to him, he doesn't have the control over me that he used to. I'm all set, I will not beg for his attention anymore and I want a normal life. I seriously am so torn on how to handle it. I'm afraid if I do the no contact without telling him what I know and how I feel that it will eat away at me. He does think he has me and that I will grovel for him and I haven't lately and I know that hurts him. He deserves some sort of suffering. I really wish the new girlfriend knew how much he has been persuing me. She seems like a nice person from what I know and is clueless to how much he will destroy her. But I know I cannot tell her because I'm sure he has already told her I'm the crazy ex. However, I do save every text and voicemail he leaves me. I can always have proof need there be a day I need it. I'm going crazy with him in my head and not knowing the best decision to make. I just want to move on and be over him.

April 13, 2017 - 7:32am


Hey there... just read your post and thought I should say something... you're going to have to step back and look at your situation as if you were another person because then you'll see the obvious signs that everything you think and hope can happen is an illusion. it's not your fault, you have a manipulator that wants you to hang on so you're there whenever needed, no contact is the best advice anyone can give you and I know how incredibly painful that is... you will go thru serious withdrawals but this is the only way and there are no shortcuts, only then that confusion begins to unravel and it's a very slow process. Cut all ties and don't worry about his life, you need to start working on yourself just like me and from experience and as someone still dealing with depression I can honestly say it does get easier but it's a day to day process, it's not an experience from which you just snap back to normal. You will get thru this, everyone can but it all depends on how long do you want to hold on to the illusion and false hopes you have your mind, it will just prolong the suffering until you reach the tipping point.

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