The Darkest Night Produces the Brightest Star

Dear Forum Friends,

It's been 81 days since I filed for divorce and left my husband and my world behind. I have relied on this forum for strength and my friends for comfort. It's been a difficult road, at best. But there is good news. I have grown incrementally stronger and wiser from this experience. It has humbled me in ways I never knew I needed to be humbled. I am embracing this experience for the lessons I have learned, though anger has not completely escaped me.

My story has taken a bit of a turn. I reunited with a very close, good friend of mine that I've known for 6 years. I remember the day my husband handed me my phone and demanded that I call him to let him know I was married. My husband stood next to me while I placed the call, hanging on every word and focused on the inflection in my voice while I made the call. My friend, of course, was happy for me and wished me the best. After all, he was my "wingman" and vetted my dates. But that was the end of it and we didn't talk again.

One New Year's Eve, my husband and I were out of town with his family ringing in the New Year. Only, he was distant and cold. It had been 5 months since I found out about his relationship with another woman. When Auld Lang Syne was belting through the air, I thought about my friend and texted a simple "Happy New Year". Naturally, this innocent text sent my husband into orbit. That was 10 months ago and in no way a factor in my decision to leave him, but yet another example of his controlling behavior. My husband didn't even kiss me New Year's Eve because he was reeling that I texted a guy friend Happy New Year. Of all times I deserve a kiss from the man that loves me, it is on New Year's Eve. After all, he was the one caught in a relationship with another woman; not me.

Fast forward 9 months and I know I need my friends. So I called and divulged the disgusting details of the conditions I lived under during the marriage. I wept like a small child and bared my soul because, at this point, there was nothing to lose. After all, this was one of my best friends and, yes, it is a "he". He was my "plus 1" to any event I was invited to and I was his. He helped me create my online dating profile and vetted first meetings with strangers. At one time, I put myself out there hoping there would be a spark. No such luck, so we remained close friends. Until my husband had me make the phone call and sever the friendship.

On the day my husband moved his final things out, I was barricaded in the house. I had moved the remainder of his things to the garage and changed the locks on the house. My friend was there for me. He called and texted checking in on me. I could hear the worry in his voice, but I was ok. After my husband finished and left, he came over with a present and took me fishing. Every fiber of my being wanted to stay home and mourn the loss of the marriage and hold on to my misery as if I needed to punish myself. But I didn't. We went night fishing. And he told me that he has been in love with me for years. He actually said that. He said the timing was never right for him, or when it was I would be dating someone and he didn't want to create confusion.

I was stunned and in some ways, still am. I don't know when I will be ready for a relationship again, though he made it clear he wants one. He said he will wait for as long as it takes and not pressure me but that he wanted me to know how he feels because he regrets not having told me before. I actually wrote down his words verbatim: "It's not the time we lost that I regret, it's that I could have saved you from the pain you're going through now."

I am not sure what the future holds for us. As he pointed out, he has seen me through an array of emotions through the years and my issues are not going to blindside him on the fourth date. He knows me. He knows my insecurities, my weaknesses and my past relationships. We are friends at the core and I never have to mask how I am feeling with him - whether it is sad, scared or stupid-happy over the silliest thing. He's been there and that is a crucial element that has been missing from all my other relationships. He gets me because he knows the real me. I have always tried to be the person my love interest wants me to be, afraid that they wouldn't like the real me. But he was just a friend and I didn't feel like I had to hide.

We have fallen in love with each other as friends (I always said he was the brother I never had) and it was hilariously easy and happened without either of us even trying. I know for certain, without a doubt, that he will never give up on me. If things get messy or weird, I believe he is going to be in my life forever. Hearing him tell me that he is in love with me after helping me through the gamut of emotions from dealing with my husband was an amazing moment that I will never forget. But it wasn't just that. He told me he has my back. I have always heard the expression, but never had someone tell me that.

I am going to get through this divorce and arrive at an emotionally healthy place. Only then will I be able to explore where this might lead. I do not trust myself at this point because I know I am emotional, vulnerable and often angry with my husband. He knows this and is willing to wait. He knows he is in love with me without ever having been intimate with me.

To my Forum Friends whom I will never know or meet, I hope you find comfort in my story as an illustration of the saying "the darkest night produce the brightest stars". We just have to see them because they are there.

May you find peace in your difficult situation.

Much love,
4x@42