A bit overwhelmed

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#1 Jul 6 - 2PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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A bit overwhelmed

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking and reading for awhile and decided to join. I'm in the process of divorcing and it's been hell, to say the least. Together 19 yrs, no kids together, each have (young)adult children from previous marriage/relationships.

StbxNH instigated the divorce 4 months ago (altho I filed), but since he's not getting things his way, he's being extremely uncooperative, nasty and spiteful. I have an attorney, but she's turning out to be a flake and I have no money to hire another.

I was a sahm/wife for years, so I have limited job skills and haven't been able to find a job in my area. StbxNH said he was moving out a few months ago, told my attorney he intended to move out, so we wrote a settlement plan to that effect. He didn't move out.

Then over the last holiday he went away for the weekend, and didn't come back until a week later to collect his paycheck. He's been living elsewhere for almost 2 months, but is keeping where he lives a secret. I think he lives with OW. He'd come back to the home to collect his paycheck on friday(s), harrass and bully me, "inform" me how things were going to be in the divorce, yada, yada. I'd usually just tell him to talk to my attorney, and walk away.

He took over all the finances, changed all the passwords on our accounts so that I have no access to marital funds or any of our other accounts. He'd often threaten to let the house go into foreclosure, let my car get repo'd, just walk away from everything. As part of a tentative agreement, and because he cannot legally refuse to provide shelter, food or healthcare for me, he was to give me money every week for my personal expenses, as well as pay morgage and utilities. Of course, he quit giving me money and I have to get on my attorney to make him pay....running up my legal bill.

He's refusing to negotiate a settlement, doesn't have an attorney (that I know of), and did not respond to the 20 day deadline for the divorce summons. So, he may be in default. He just must think if he ignores everything, it will all go his way, or go away, or he can wear me down where I'll throw up my hands and give in (which is one of the ways he used to get me to give in to his whims and demands).

I've always known something was "off" about him, and ours has been an abusive relationship in many ways. I began school years ago to earn a degree so I could support myself, got halfway through and had to quit. Tried stashing away money for my exit....present attorney has sucked me dry of that, so now I'm really financially dependent upon stbxNH.

In the meanwhile, I've been working on the marital home trying to paint and do minor repairs so that we can sell it. I cannot take it over, and stbxNH could, but won't because he doesn't want to buy me out.

It's been almost a month of (physical) NC, and while I'm overwhelmed, stressed, and physically tired....I'm sooo much better not having him just show up and barge into the house whenever he pleased. I was a wreck, jumpy, stomach in knots, and everytime I heard a car drive by I'd feel panicky and tense up.

I keep telling myself "I can do this"....I can get thru this divorce and move on, but they sure do like making it as difficult as possible, don't they?

Thanks for listening to my rant. Just kinda needed to get some things out there and off my chest. I think my family is tired of hearing me, and many don't really "get it" about NPD. They tell me do this...do that...and if he was "normal" their advise might help...but he isn't normal. He's Waaaay not normal. LOL

sabeila

Jul 6 - 4PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sabeila

FIRST OFF - FIRE YOUR LAWYER!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!! Take some free consults with other lawyers and explain your financial problems. You will be pleasantly surprised. (I live NYC and I found someone who charged my exNH for more than 80% of the whole!!!!) Here's some of the numerous places to start looking for a lawyer or legal aid: http://www.womenslaw.org http://www.divorcenet.com http://www.divorcesource.com http://www.divorce360.com Now is NOT The time to take an "Oh Well, this is the best I can do" attitude - it's a cop out you can NOT afford. click on Message Board and go back thru the pages... all of them. I have loaded up this site with good articles - many about handling divorce. And give this a read: http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/03/when-friends-family-dont-get-it-about.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jul 7 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
sabeila (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks

...for your reply, Barbara. And thanks for the links. I have an appt. with another attorney next week. sabeila
Jul 7 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sabeila

THANK GOODNESS! keep us updated! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jul 6 - 3PM
Jodie
Jodie's picture

So so sorry you are going

So so sorry you are going through this. I'm typing on my iPhone so forgive errors. Ns NEVER play fair in divorce proceedings. They are cold, ruthless and cruel. He may have OW but count that as a blessing as painful as that may be right now. I'm going thru the same thing with my NH; their cavalier attitude is astounding. Have you thought about getting another attorney through your local domestic violence network? Domestic violence is emotional abuse too. Talk with therapist's in your area who can refer sliding scale attorneys. He is going to go balls to the wall with this so you must protect yourself; their disorder takes on new heights once you separate. Come here for support, read Barbara's articles, know that we understand the madness you are facing...we all try to pull each other through. Try to maintain no contact as best as you can and let your attorney handle the rest. When you get out of this mess you will have gained a newfound sense of worth, wisdom and peace. A brighter future lies ahead of you apart from this monster. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 6 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
sabeila (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

thanks Jodie

Thanks for your reply and advice. I'll check out the DV resources in my area...may need it for back-up plan. Oh heck yeah, he's definitely going balls to the wall and trying to muck me over in every way possible. I had my attorney write up a second settlement proposal with him keeping the house & buying me out (and me leaving the home) since he didn't move out like he claimed he was going to. He'd have to pay maintenence, COBRA, and such. I asked for what my state law says I'm entitled to have, and what he can actually afford given his high income (and our low debt). So, what does he do the day he receives the new proposal? He goes out and purchases a new $32k car. Me thinks he's not only trying to mess with me but he's feeling quite "entitled" these days. He's always been quite envious of alot of his co-workers, especially the younger, single guys who have "degrees" in his field of work, and own homes, have shiny new vehicles, toys, and money in the bank before they reach age 30. He's in his mid-forties, worked his way up, and had a family to support....now feels he's entitled to "run with the big boyz"....and have the same lifestyle they do. Complete with the same "ethnic", younger, trophy girlfriend and younger fashion style. It's kinda funny watching him morph into a carbon copy of all the co-workers he's envied all these years. Funny...and pathetic. I don't know if he has the new car tho (long story). There was a snafu with the dealership and they had to cancel the contract, but said he was supposed to be coming back the next week to try to purchase it again. Sometimes it's a little hard talking to my attorney and getting her to understand his/our issues. I know she's not my friend or therapist, but good grief....he's not even remotely acting like a mature adult, so you'd think she'd have a clue. We have a 90 day reconciliation period in our state, 30 days have past since officially filing for divorce. 2 attempts at proposing a settlement....and he refuses to do anything. I'll probably call my attorney again this week (ugh!) to see where I stand with his not responding to the summons, etc. I'm stuck. I have no money to move out, no job, no family capable of helping out. He's owing me money for the last 2 weeks (again)....and it's been such an emotional rollercoaster these past 4 months since deciding to divorce. I cannot count on him for anything (never could), and there are days I do want to just give up and walk away. I'm so looking forward to being rid of this whackjob. Aside from "his" moonbattery, his entire family is off the charts nutz and I cannot wait until this entire clan of drunks, druggies and drama queens are completely out of my life forever. Toxic people. Toxic. sabeila
Jul 6 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sabeila - one critical thing

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT keep a journal of date, time and any HARD information. Save any emails & texts he sends you and DO NOT RESPOND DO NOT ANSWER HIS CALLS OR SPEAK TO HIM. EVER!!!!!!! AND FIRE YOUR ATTORNEY, IN WRITING!!! and ask for your file back... and find a real bulldog to help you. Google "divorce lawyer" + your city & state + "domestic violence" - I promise you - you'll get lucky. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jul 8 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Sabeila

I'm so glad you're finding another attorney! Barbara has great advice. Welcome to our messageboard. I'm so glad you found us. Please know we are here for you. Big Hugs, Lisa