Bad Day & Need Some Validation - Please Read

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#1 October 20, 2009 - 6:32pm
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Bad Day & Need Some Validation - Please Read

I had a very emotional day today, and am again questioning if this was my fault. The 3 eamils below were sent in the same day over the course of 3 hours. This was the beginning of the end. His emails got much worse after this. But he never raised his voice to me, only in his emails, and then denied that he was angry at all when he wrote these. Please tell me what you all think. I can't even read these emails without feeling sick and very sad. Thank you.


The email I received first thing in the morning:

thank you honey.............feeling better.............slept ok..........the "new" patch didn't do squat..........made me sleep a little erratic......

but, I'm here, ready to do it again............

I heard from E last night...........she's miserable...............scared to death............I told her I would have dinner with her when I'm down on Monday evening..........if that's ok with you................she needs a little encouragement...........and it would help my heart feel better about her..........

I hope you will understand..........and not feel shouldn't............

I have to get ready for my meeting ...........d


My response to this email:

I am devastated.

Like you, I have my baggage, and this latest development with [E] has been devastating to me. I am feeling a pattern that has been taking shape this past few days that I have been trying to understand and rationalize without my baggage, but this latest development has really upset me as it appears to me to be part of the pattern.

It all started with the email you sent me Thursday night re all of your fears about [my son]. Then when you arrived in town, something didn't feel right to me. You were different, not as warm and loving as you have always been up until this past weekend - you just didn't feel as warm and fuzzy.

I was concerned, but tried to understand that your meds had been changed, your pain, etc. But, as I said last night, you were edgy and critical on the way to the airport. You criticized my driving, [my son}, and you dismissed my comment that I would miss you by noting very matter of factly that you were going to see me again in a few days. It came across very cold and indifferent.

I did not overreact to any of this, realizing I too was tired and edgy, but I did feel these things, I was hurt, but rationalized that you were just not feeling well.

You also left the book I left for you. That hurt a lot D. I tried to rationalize that you just forgot it, but you packed the basket. I guess I was supposed to get the hint then. But, I didn't because I didn't want to, because I trust you and I am trying to move beyond my baggage.

Now, I am very concerned. When looking at the whole picture D, it feels like you are trying to push me into starting an argument so you can bow out gracefully, guilt free, and go back to the woman you have loved for several years. I am telling you how I feel and I hope you take what I am saying as nothing more than being honest. I am so hurt right now and overflowing with "raw emotion" I can hardly think straight. Like you, I call a spade and spade. I have listened to your spades with sincerity, I only hope you will "listen" to mine the same way.

You have made it very clear to me right up to our conversation last night that [my son] is not something you can deal with on a raw emotional level which now, looking at this again, was essentially telling me you can't really deal with me because there is no me without my child.

But, like a love sick puppy, I was still believing that we could work this out because we loved each other enough to put the effort into it that is required.

The more I think about this, the more upset I am becoming. Now it appears that you wanted to cut our conversation short last night because E was trying to reach you.

You told me that E emailed all your "girlfriends" and told them that "you LOVED her." Now she is scared and needs you. What exactly do you think this is about D? A friendship? What am I supposed to think? You booked your hotel to stay until Tuesday. Now I am asking myself why you waited until now to tell me about your dinner with E, or whether or not this was your plan all along.

You called me E once the weekend of your company party, and referred to me as E twice that day. As I said in my first email on this subject, this is a woman you loved for years, were on-again-off-again with her, lived with her, you were going to marry her and now you want to have dinner with her. I don't know if you are doing this consciously or unconsciously, but I just do not believe my feelings are all that unreasonable.

If your goal was to spend this coming weekend with E without being responsible for hurting me, then I guess I just gave you what you wanted on a silver patter by my sharing my feelings.

I am so hurt and so devastated by all of this. I don't even know what to think, but if you wanted out, it would have been much kinder to just tell me you still loved her than criticize my child, distance yourself from me, and send me emails first thing in the morning that are so hurtful.

His response to me:

I can see now, with certainty, that you are completely nuts!
you have shown this side to me before, and I tried to get past it............came back several years later, ............nope...........the same........

you are the most insecure, mixed up and irrational woman, I have ever met I think.........and I have dated enough to know .............

I can't understand how you can "go off" like this............WILD seem to get your feelings hurt so easy...........

its no wonder you are normal man can deal with you...........

YOU...............have PUSHED ME AWAY....................all this CRAP you have built up in your like "an acid trip".........its like you are on drugs..............its so bizarre and hurtful the way you accuse me of this bullshit.........

I had every intention of being with YOU.............the WHOLE time..............everything else that you have going on in that wicked little mind of yours is total fabrication............all yours!!!!!!!!

you are a major piece of work R.......

and, I'm sorry for calling you E a couple of don't have a clue with trying to be more understanding with me, or my are the most insecure person I have ever met.

I had loved YOU...............with all my heart.............and wanted to be with only YOU............up until right NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you are way to crazy for me.................

I did hook you up with another lead this afternoon if that means anything to you..........or do you think that is just a "SCAM"??????????......

His 2d Response to the same email:

you are still NUTS.?

I made it clear to you in the beginning, that I still have, and always will have a love for once were ok with it, but I mis judged are way to insecure.........I WAS NOT AND AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HER ANY LONGER>>>>>>>I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!

I am not a heartless person.................and when you spend seven years with someone that you once were in love with, and they were with you, and you end on good terms, one doesn't have to be cruel about these issues............most can be respectful and are neither.

October 21, 2009 - 7:07am
Bewildered (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Not Reading Them

I don't re-read them. I didn't read over 50% of the angry ones when I received them. I couldn't. These are the 3 that haunt me. When I start feeling better, these 3 emails, the catalyst for the DD, fill my thoughts and my dreams, and the emotions resurface again, and I feel like I am starting at the beginning again. So I posted them here for your opinions and affirmation that he is indeed a N, and that my waining trust in him is not truly what caused his outburst. I AM insecure and having a very difficult time bouncing back from the the cruelty of his expressions.
October 21, 2009 - 7:37am (Reply to #8)
4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


Yes, we've all been where you are. I understand your pain. This is your second request for affirmation. Yes, he is at the very least a narc. These emails haunt you. I replayed conversations my N dished out to me too. My point is, these emails are not doing you any good. You say it yourself. Delete them. He's a narc. Start your recovery. Delete them and no contact at all. Change your email address.
October 21, 2009 - 7:45am (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


don't delete - put them on a disc and OFF your computer. don't read them for a couple years... believe me when you look back at them you will find him pathetic, transparent and stupid. but right now you are not ready. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER listen to what they say! NEVER!!!!! only what they DO!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
October 21, 2009 - 7:58am (Reply to #11)
time_to_move_on's picture

That's a good tip...

thank you Barbara. I keep reminders from the Narcs/personality disordered people I go out with to say "don't go there again". But I re-read the exes emails a couple of days ago and they upset me. It's best to not read as you say.
October 21, 2009 - 7:56am (Reply to #10)
4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I have a different take on

I have a different take on it, but one must do what feels right for them. I see all these communications as mind candy for the part of us that cant let go. Like an addiction, how can we move forward. We can hide the drug of choice in the house somewhere, but we can still dig it out whenever we need a fix. That's why I am big on deleting. ..but it's an individual choice. And you'll do it when you are ready. It worked for me.
October 21, 2009 - 5:05am
Ellen's picture

Hi Bewildered

Yikes, this is scarey. To think that i too have been so caught up before that i would take all this stuff in and believe that it was a normal person putting his views to me. Then like you i may answer giving away all my normal thoughts and emotions. I had no clue that it was as someone said 'pearls' of knowledge and information about me. My innermost thoughts and then to be told that i wasn't normal or nuts for thinking the way i did. When his behaviour and thinking pattern was nuts. I think i must be learing cos i saw that and picked out a couple of sentences that said it all and would be enough to leave. It's a shame for us all that we don't get to see these things objectively cos by the time these things could be clear we are too emotionally involved to know the difference.
October 20, 2009 - 7:12pm
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


I could show you several e-mails similar in tone to this back and forth banter. If you saw them, my ex obviously intimidating and bullying my normal questions, my questioning of his poor behavior, what do you think you might say?
October 20, 2009 - 10:29pm (Reply to #4)
grossot's picture

hey bewildered

This is funny - I just tried it. If you must re-read this balogna (its so hard not to swear) anyway, if you insist on keeping this shit (I mean emails) do this: Read it to yourself as if he is reading it to himself and change all the pronouns and switch man to woman and visa versa. Here's what I mean its no wonder you are normal man can deal with you........... CHANGE TO: its no wonder I am normal woman can deal with me........... It works for the whole thing! Ha! Um...projection? I think so! YOU TELL LIES LIKE A CHILD SPEAKS THE TRUTH SO GOOD YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ~LISA SCOTT~(go to music tab) nolongercontrolled
October 20, 2009 - 10:30pm (Reply to #5)
thisisnotfun's picture

I like that idea.... Yes,

I like that idea.... Yes, that is what I will do... Thanks
October 20, 2009 - 6:46pm
itreallyisabouthim's picture

Mostly I just feel sad that

Mostly I just feel sad that you took the time to try to explain your feelings and outline the chain of events that led you to feel the way you did. It is just so exhausting, and it is pearls before swine. His e-mails were so familiar to me that it was hard for me to read them without feeling sick, and I've never met him. I'm sorry you're questioning yourself.
October 20, 2009 - 8:36pm (Reply to #2)
4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Why are you rereading all

Why are you rereading all his bullcrap? If you have no kids with him and no property to reason to even keep these..then delete them! He's an abuser. You can't explain anything to them. They dont care how you feel. You will always be to blame. He NEVER loved you (they cant love). There will be no reaction but anger on his part when you tell him how you feel. It's seen as a criticism. He is a perfect little god and you must not rock his reality. Be glad he's gone out of your life. He's a head case. Let it go and move on. Start healing and by that I mean stop reading his emails and no contact.