On "Always"

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#1 Jul 11 - 10AM

Anonymous (not verified)

On "Always"

I don't know if anyone else experienced this, but the narcissist I've been involved with had really bizarre ideas about the idea of "always". One time in particular he told me in an email (information which, by the way, I did not ask for...but he just kind of offered a bit out of the blue) that he knew one of his ex-girlfriends, who is now married and requested four years ago for him to NEVER contact her again, still loves him. He said that he knows that she does and that love is given and love is received...and then went on to tell me that friends are always friends, that it lasts forever. He told me that even if he moves away or he gets married (or anything which to most people would signify an end to a prior relationship) he never really leaves, that none of those things constitutes leaving, that he has never left, that he has always been there (even though throughout the relationship there have been several times when he has requested a "friendship at a distance"--which is a ridiculous idea to anyone who thinks).

That email wasn't the first time I'd thought that there was just something not quite right...but after I read it, I remember kind of getting this sick feeling in my stomach. Kind of one of those "what exactly have I gotten myself into" moments. With this particular guy, the whole "being there" thing is a prevalent theme...and really, there is just something off, I think, in a person who professes an "always" to make sure he gets one in return. Just recently, actually, he made some random comment to me in a text about how "tomorrow would always be there".

At the end of the day, though, he uses "always" as an aloe that he makes a show at offering, and it is a very pretty show, some nicely thick aloe, when it comes. The thing is, though, that aloe comes in really small bottles, something he doesn't bother to warn you about at the outset, which means you'd better either learn to conserve or get used to feeling sunburned. And, of course, the thing he thinks he is offering to you is, in reality, the thing he wants most from you.

#2 Jul 11 - 2PM

Barbara (not verified)

absolutes

Pathologicals LOVE to talk in absolutes You ALWAYS, I ALWAYS You NEVER, I NEVER The world is very black & white to them and their reality changes every second according to what THEY want. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#3 Jul 11 - 12PM

jenn99 (not verified)

n's

that's how n's are in relationships--they sort of never end...it's as if he's still with the person...the N still acts as if his ex wife who passed away was his 'wife' despite the fact that she had dated two men after him and one ended up killing her...but he still acts like she's with him or his...the N im talking to also has a lot of extraneous relationships with other women....one being his 'best friend' who is much younger than him and he was a sugar daddy type to her, she's my age...yet he gave her lavish gifts, money, everything...he treated her like a girlfriend..or better...even when he got with me, he still got with her and to this day still does, sexually and possibly still gives her money...being his 'gf' he never gave me a dime and was just using me..and taking from me..wont even be in my presence sometimes unless i 'give him something' whether it's buying outfits to wear for him giving him some amt of money or he requests money from me to see him....also never gave me any rights to go to his place, wont let me come ro go..and if i am 'allowed' to go wont let me leave as i want but if i leave to get somethign to eat get locked out... btu that girl who's just his friend had the key to his apartment...and could come and go...to this day claimed once he gave her xx amt of money though she has a boyfriend who she lives with...i said u give other women things womenw ho have boyfrneds but not your own gf..you are beyond sick and twisted..even after proposing to me he ditched me, and I think had this girl over and is now seeing her and when he gets bored with her or she has to get with her bf, he'll go calling me back but with the other women he treats them decently, while he just abuses and terrorizes me...he doesn't care..also claims these women 'give him something' which is a lie, and he takes and takes from me, or victims and really leeches and sucks us dry in cruel ways..while giving to those other people and has given a lot of money when he had it to his close friends, but nothing to his 'gf' or victims...and he will always be seeing her..on the side...whether he admits it or not ...she's like his forever 'sugarbaby' or girlfriend or the girl it seems he really does care about...the rest are victims who he takes advantage of...like any given psychopath...

#4 Jul 11 - 3PM (Reply to #10)

jenn99 (not verified)

...

yeah they are liars and extremists...and yeah like being around a bratty immoral 6 year old child, have the moral intelligence of that age...entitlement, lies etc...that inserted into the grown body fo a full fledged adult just proves to be the most destructive combination around...and cheating lying...if they can get away with it...they'll do it and won't care...it's just scary to thikn people have developed into creatures like them...

#5 Jul 11 - 12PM

Carolyn

He perceives relationships

He perceives relationships like a child would. He knows you therefore you are in his memory and his memory is forever. He is asked to leave, people dump him, but they are still in his memory banks. He has no clue what a relationship is all about. Kids fight at school then the next day it is ok and they play together again. For an adult male to act like this is, of course, inappropriate. that is why this type of disordered male does a lot of stalking. they are just trying to be friends again. they aren't capable of an adult romance so they perceive it as being 'friends' always. to them that is normal.

#6 Jul 11 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

Amy

That reminds me

Carolyn - when you said that he perceives relationships like a child does, that reminded me of when my son went through his "always" and "never" stage - AT THE AGE OF 4!!!!!!! The best was when he said he "never" did something and I said "honey you did that yesterday", and he replied "but mommy, I NEVER did that TODAY." :-) At times, it is exactly like being with a spoiled child...

#7 Jul 11 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

James (not verified)

Thanks for the memories~

Amy, I forgot about the always and never stage with children. I remember mine going through it. Son you are watching to much TV! Dad, I never do that! Son did you brush your teeth? Dad, I always brush my teeth! LOL! Thanks for the memories.. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/

#8 Jul 11 - 12PM

quietude (not verified)

extremes

Yep, narcs make extreme comments. I will ALWAYS love you. I will NEVER leave you. You are the ONLY women I've really ever loved. I won't EVER be the same if you left. Problem is, they are deal breakers...it's just words to keep us reeled in and committed. Mine made promises too, and broke every one, over and over and over ~ sometimes the same promises. You can't trust anything they say. The only time I believed what mine said is when he made his 'martyr' statements for attention. Stuff like how I deserve a better man ~ damn skippy!

#9 Jul 11 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

adeline (not verified)

extremes

Yeah, you can't trust anything they say...and at least in my experience, if you try to bring up something they said in the past, even a recent past, like a week ago past, which would explain to them why you are confused in the present (something he has never responded well to, of course) the whole revisionist history movement begins and suddenly YOU are the one who misunderstood...and then he also has the nerve to act confused as to why I would feel rather uncertain about what he wanted from me, etc. It's just such a sick cycle. I've come to the conclusion it's just all about control. Mine makes comments all the time about "giving" me time to think about things, etc...as if that were his right...which in his mind, I'm thinking it is. And...by agreeing passively to go along with his "always" crap I felt then, and I still feel now, like it is kind of like selling a part of myself or something...like signing away something I ought not to be signing away....

#10 Jul 11 - 12PM

Amy

OMG

Adeline, this is hauntingly familiar. My ex N hs repeatedly told me that he will ALWAYS love me, just as he will always love the girl he dated on and off for 10 years. He can't stand the thought of NEVER talking to me again (losing his supply forever). It's so extreme.

#11 Jul 11 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

adeline (not verified)

another always

WOW. Amy. SOOO familiar. Mine also dated that girl he told me about for 10 years, couldn't marry her, etc. But of course, again, she will always love him like he will always love her. Really? I'm not thinking, if I were to ask her, she would say the same thing. Which I guess makes a relationship with people like this so frustrating because you are having the whole mental conversation with yourself of THIS PERSON IS CRAZY and yet, despite the fact that you are SOOOO aware of that, you are willing to stick with it.

#12 Jul 11 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

Amy

Adeline

Yeah - I guess I should have realized I would end up in the same boat. I have thought about trying to find out her last name and making sure she is ok now (would make me feel better if she was) because he treated her so poorly for so long. He told me when he's in Jersey he drives by where she lived. He and I live in the same subdivision, and he drives by a lot (he doesn't have to do that to get to his house). So, I guess he really NEVER lets go. :-( I am about to get serious with a guy (I think), and the ex is going to drive by and see the car at my house one night - I just know it. This is the reason I have been holding off with this guy... The last time he saw the car (daytime) he called me a whore, slut, white trash... It wigged me out. I finally decided I can't live my life around him, and I might be letting a good thing go because of what HE thinks - and his ALWAYS/NEVER issues.

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