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#1 May 24 - 2AM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Admission

Hi everyone,

I am hating admitting this, but it's a stumbling block in my recovery and I'd like to know if anyone else understands.

From 'The Betrayal Bond', which I've not read yet:

"When you find yourself missing a relationship, even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you."

I loathe and detest this man, to the point of wishing him great harm. I wanted to die and I'm still very sick - so why is it that every morning when I wake up and remember him, I want him so much, physically, that I almost vomit. A panic state comes over me and I want to sit and hum and rock like a lunatic. It's sexual, I know it. And I hate it. It's shameful how much the physical need is still there. It's as if he created an addiction in me.

May 29 - 10PM
finallydone
finallydone's picture

Ditto for me. I'm trying

Ditto for me. I'm trying hard not to actually hate him because I feel like its poisoning me to hate. Problem is that he's doing the trying to make nice routine again and I have a hard time being mean on purpose and then he inevitably goes for seduction and I cave because I crave him. Its horrible and makes me feel so pathetic.
May 29 - 3PM
Amanda1221 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Echo

I truly understand what your going through. It's like you hate his guts but crave him at the same time. I fall for it every time too....then feel like crap about myself because I felt used up to no end. What I'm worried about is that I have a 6 year old daughter...reading other comments, they say the N's also have sexual tendencies with children?? I'm interested in learning more. Luckily I have never had to deal with this with him...I swear it would be the final end for his soul if my daughter was hurt.....but I would like to know a little more about that. But yes, dear, I can relate to all that you have said. It's truly an addiction....
May 29 - 10PM (Reply to #17)
grossot
grossot's picture

Amanda1221 Where did u hear

Amanda1221 Where did u hear about the n and sexual tendencies with chilren? I'm battling the courts for full custody b/c after my n's ego injury I found him in the bathtub with our 4 year old daughter and thru counseling I have learned some of her behaviors (ie: excessive masterbation,red genital, playing with stuffed animals inappropriately) are sighns of possible sex abuse. I'm sorry if my posts are what u r re fering to. I don't think narcs are suseptable to being apedifile. But pedifiles are narcs because they think they are grand enough to hurt a child. I hope I'm not causing any confusion. My narc has many other problems mainly evident via obsession with porn. nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

May 29 - 3PM
Amanda1221 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Echo

I truly understand what your going through. It's like you hate his guts but crave him at the same time. I fall for it every time too....then feel like crap about myself because I felt used up to no end. What I'm worried about is that I have a 6 year old daughter...reading other comments, they say the N's also have sexual tendencies with children?? I'm interested in learning more. Luckily I have never had to deal with this with him...I swear it would be the final end for his soul if my daughter was hurt.....but I would like to know a little more about that. But yes, dear, I can relate to all that you have said. It's truly an addiction....
May 30 - 12AM (Reply to #15)
Echo (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Amanda, thanks for your support

This is the first time I've said this to anyone, but I was once a little concerned about the amount of attention the N was paying to my daughter. I can hardly believe it's true, but I saw too much interest if you know what I mean. So, take care Amanda, just in case.
May 25 - 12PM
Elena
Elena's picture

Bond

One of a woman's legitimate needs is the need for love and affection, and these guys know it!!!! We were made and wired to be loved. So they take advantage of it! They use sex as a tool to hook you, and for you to have a dependency on them, and this is the perfect position to have you to manipulate you. As you know, sex creates a bond between a man and a woman, so the more you have bonded this way, the more you feel the need to be together and the more you crave it. I think it's almost like your feelings conquer over your intellect, over what you know in your mind is the right and smart thing to do. The solution - As we have said in this website repeatedly, break the bond and prevent any more contact. If I were you, I would make an effort to not feel guilty about your need for him, it's normal, I think, after bonding with him the way you did. I think it's normal to feel the need for him. But - you have got to conquer over your feelings, to be free from him and have no contact.
May 25 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

book

Elena - you really need to get a copy of WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS if you haven't already. Everything you are saying is there - scientifically proved and in black & white. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 24 - 3AM
Echo (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I know really

I do know why it's happening. The things that Barbara posted about how they seduce and hypnotise. It was also very, very clear that he was making sure he knew my deepest, darkest fantasies and he then set about making himself the provider of those sexual needs, and more, all the time. There was no love, just him hooking me sexually. Constant texts and emails and then a relationship based on sex. It would be great to hear that someone else knew this feeling and had got through it. It's so hard to refocus and make a new life when you feel so debilitated. I know that's the answer, to make new experiences, stop obsessing.
May 25 - 10AM (Reply to #10)
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

Oh my...Echo...

I feel the exact same way, Im really addicted to the sex. Its actually what keeps me hooked to him as well. On top of this. I spent all last week avoiding him and not thinking about it. and then BAM!....he comes outta nowhere, and treats me AMAZING...and again I fall for his charm. Pathetic.... I posted, "How long does it take!?!" thinking with a little focus, I can do this. But clearly, I keep falling for the same tricks. I really think he is gonna have to emotionally kill me like everyone else in my life, in order for me to get it!!!!!!! Altho...I know whats happening, Im fooled everytime, thinking im overreacting etc...... Really confusing. I will just keep trying, one day it will happen,....it has to!!
May 25 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

get out... now

I talked about this on the radio show! Sex kick-starts the premature bonding process. The touching and sexual stimulation seals the love bond. The stimulation of the vagina and cervix during sex causes the release of the hormones prolactin and oxytocin. These hormones travel to the bonding centers of the brain and produce an emotional and hormonal attachment to the man. The importance of these hormones in female attachment is these are the exact hormones produced in pregnancy and nursing. They are responsible for a woman’s ability to bond to babies! The more sex she has with the psychopath, the more these attachment hormones are released, and the more bonded she feels to the psychopath. This isn’t merely the cuddling of love making. This is a biochemical process occurring in her body and brain increasing her sense of attachment…but tragically, to a psychopath! (who does NOT, we repeat NOT bond to her in any way at all!) These are the hormones of motherhoodattachment. Just like motherly love is unconditional, a sexual bond is also unconditional. She will tragically find out just what it will cost her to have this intense unconditional attachment and love bond to a psychopath if she does not leave. While she is reeling in flattery, swimming in oxytocin, and snuggling up to his stories of their future lives together… the psychopath is purposefully solidifying his internal imprint in her by his use of trance and capitalizing on her suggestibility. The purpose of the honeymoon stage is to hoodwink her. In the psychopath’s arsenal to achieve this hooking and hoodwinking, is any person, place, thing, word, or behavior that will sell her on his illusion. Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS No Contact No Contact No Contact No Contact No Contact No Contact No Contact No Contact No Contact No Contact If you need a mild antidepressant to help you thru the withdrawal and deprogramming phases... then get it and GET OUT NOW! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 24 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Echo

I knew this feeling. Psycho-boy completely hypnotized me and bonded me to him sexually. I did thing with him I have NEVER EVER done with anyone else - and to this day the only thing that makes sense is when the PTSD clinic told me he HYPNOTIZED me - that's the only reason I did what I did. It took me a LONG LONG LONG time to get over including a lot of counseling and medication which I am still on. Some reading for you (and everyone else): http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/01/am-i-under-his-spell.html http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/01/am-i-under-his-spell-part-ii.html http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/01/am-i-under-his-spell-part-iii.html http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/10/why-you-only-remember-good-stuff-of-bad_01.html http://drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/11/fantasy-and-its-effect-on-your-reality.html http://eaandfaith.blogspot.com/2005/03/trauma-bonding-pull-to-perpetrator.html When you get the book - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS you will see that THOUSANDS of women go thru and get thru this all the time. It takes time and WORK on your part and you MUST maintain no contact. It is not easy but it is WELL WORTH IT. And you will have your dignity back knowing you aren't someone's sex toy. As well as your life, your peace of mind and your sanity. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 24 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
Echo (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You are so kind

I have read all of those links and read about feeling 'under a spell'. I actually said those words to the N. I said I was entranced too. You know what else? He uses every one of those Art of Seduction techniques I read about on your site: triangulation, making himself look poetic (on his website), all of them. I hadn't heard of love bombing before now but that is what he did, as well as the sex stuff. He spoke of love a lot, but I never saw it. Laid it on thicker and thicker when I tried to pull away. Thanks Barbara. I'm so angry now. These feelings are treacherous because I hate him but my mind/body want him. Making myself sick now. No contact is a definite and has been for months.
May 24 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
grossot
grossot's picture

i know

I know echo and I'm very thankful for your bold admission. I felt the same way then I started getting things brought to my attention about his inappropriateness with children and felt udder disgust to the point of dry heaving. But still have lustful thoughts when I think about him. I am very interested in looking at Barara's links. I would like to outline my belief as well. Its based on the spiritual world and seems "out there" but perhaps wouldn't hurt to think about. Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy he is able to attatch demonic spirits on us. Your N may have spirits of lust and perversion on him. The crappy thing is the spirits can attatch themselves to you because of your connection with him. The bible says if we say the name of Jesus, the demons will flee in fear. Believe me there is freedom in this. Then ask God to replace the spirits with whatever u desire - kindheartedness, compassion, self-control, the fullness of Gods joy in Jesus' name. Didn't mean to preach just trying to share.... nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

May 25 - 4AM (Reply to #9)
Echo (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Grossot

I'm becoming a more religious person from this experience. Funny thing is, he said an ex of his had become a born-again Christian after being with him. All these things he said, they make sense now. I can see exactly what you mean. I was brought up in an atheist family but I am praying for the first time in my life. He is evil, personified. Thanks for your help.
May 24 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Soul Slayer

http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/10/soul-slayer-psychological-evil.html
May 29 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Creepy

I have often wanted to use the word "evil" to describe my STBXNH. The Soul SLayer article speaks right to their evilness.
May 29 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Creepy

I have often wanted to use the word "evil" to describe my STBXNH. The Soul SLayer article speaks right to their evilness.
May 25 - 4AM (Reply to #6)
Echo (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Exactly

This is ringing true Barbara.