Acceptance...
Acceptance...
I am almost scared to permit myself a fulll awareness that is the truth and a knowing that I have arrived at a place of acceptance.
I ended the relationship with my ex 12 days ago. As many of you will appreciate this past fortnight has been an intense psychic journey, riding a gamut of varied and at times painful feeling and emtional waves.
During this time I had contact from my ex- expressing his neediness and fragmentation without me acting as the 'glue' to bond his fragile self.
Anyway, something very powerful has shifted on account of a series of contact messages from him within the past 48 hours (I know Barbara, I know- I have not replied- but he has accessed a method of contacting me via a 'professional loophole', shall we say.)
Last message- yesterday:
"You are an incredibly beautiful woman- I miss you so so much and I feel so desperate here. Who knows when I will see you again..."
The point I wish to make is that I felt NOTHING!! Nothing at all, no pining, yearning, no 'Oh bless he's not so bad after all, no falling for his lame attempts to charm me with his false flattery. What I did was THINK, not feel THINK and I thought 'You are one sick, sick man, thank God I'm free from the delusional belief that you were deserving of me.'
I feel so liberated and free and I had to write this because I need to believe it's true and it is. I have come to a place of acceptance. I was scared to write this word in case I discovered that in 'putting it outside' of myself it would prove a false belief, a hopeful wish. But it's TRUE.
I accept what happened; my meeting him, my falling in love with him, my repeated efforts to 'make' him be the man I wanted him to be inspite of his mask slipping fairly early on, my role in the interaction, my failing to walk at the first sign of madness, my ending it once before and accepting him back, the continued giving of myself even though I arived at a point of losing self-respect and that I have made mistakes in spite of words of wisdom here in taking care of myself. But I forgive and love myself and well, here I AM.
It feels sooooooooo weird but wonderful. He has no hold over me, the affect of 'jumpiness' and 'fear' it's all gone. I feel nothing, not even regret. In fact I feel happy, yes I feel happy, born again and excited to live the rest of my life.
I am not afraid of him (psychologically- there was never a fear of my physical safety with him) any more or the ability he once had to make me feel insecure. In effect he has hung himself with his own rope with this last message and set me free.
I feel sooooooooo empowered and strong and loving of me and I just wanted to share it beyond a journal but in a space where I knew it would accrue value for here is where my journey of healing begun.
To those who have read, thank you for hearing me. And to those who have helped me reach this point, I thank you also.
With gratitude and love,
Liberty
You have come out of this a
Wonderful!
Liberty
Hi Liberty
Your User ID Suits You!
I am so happy for you, Liberty!
Thank you neveragain & Monica
I'm very happy for you. This
Which is why I was worried- Dolce
We count them one by one...
James & Barbara