Acceptance...

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#1 Sep 26 - 10AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Acceptance...

I am almost scared to permit myself a fulll awareness that is the truth and a knowing that I have arrived at a place of acceptance.

I ended the relationship with my ex 12 days ago. As many of you will appreciate this past fortnight has been an intense psychic journey, riding a gamut of varied and at times painful feeling and emtional waves.

During this time I had contact from my ex- expressing his neediness and fragmentation without me acting as the 'glue' to bond his fragile self.

Anyway, something very powerful has shifted on account of a series of contact messages from him within the past 48 hours (I know Barbara, I know- I have not replied- but he has accessed a method of contacting me via a 'professional loophole', shall we say.)

Last message- yesterday:

"You are an incredibly beautiful woman- I miss you so so much and I feel so desperate here. Who knows when I will see you again..."

The point I wish to make is that I felt NOTHING!! Nothing at all, no pining, yearning, no 'Oh bless he's not so bad after all, no falling for his lame attempts to charm me with his false flattery. What I did was THINK, not feel THINK and I thought 'You are one sick, sick man, thank God I'm free from the delusional belief that you were deserving of me.'

I feel so liberated and free and I had to write this because I need to believe it's true and it is. I have come to a place of acceptance. I was scared to write this word in case I discovered that in 'putting it outside' of myself it would prove a false belief, a hopeful wish. But it's TRUE.

I accept what happened; my meeting him, my falling in love with him, my repeated efforts to 'make' him be the man I wanted him to be inspite of his mask slipping fairly early on, my role in the interaction, my failing to walk at the first sign of madness, my ending it once before and accepting him back, the continued giving of myself even though I arived at a point of losing self-respect and that I have made mistakes in spite of words of wisdom here in taking care of myself. But I forgive and love myself and well, here I AM.

It feels sooooooooo weird but wonderful. He has no hold over me, the affect of 'jumpiness' and 'fear' it's all gone. I feel nothing, not even regret. In fact I feel happy, yes I feel happy, born again and excited to live the rest of my life.

I am not afraid of him (psychologically- there was never a fear of my physical safety with him) any more or the ability he once had to make me feel insecure. In effect he has hung himself with his own rope with this last message and set me free.

I feel sooooooooo empowered and strong and loving of me and I just wanted to share it beyond a journal but in a space where I knew it would accrue value for here is where my journey of healing begun.

To those who have read, thank you for hearing me. And to those who have helped me reach this point, I thank you also.

With gratitude and love,
Liberty

Sep 29 - 8PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

You have come out of this a

You have come out of this a whole person many people come out of this fragmented like the pieces of a broken mirror. Maybe you should be a counselor for other women you have a real gift for helping yourself maybe this is your destiny to help the others.
Sep 27 - 3AM
Marie
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Wonderful!

Liberty, this is a wonderful break through when you feel nothing. I remember the night I first felt this nothingness. It was scary but exhilirating. It's wonderful to be free! Ack to this line ""You are an incredibly beautiful woman- I miss you so so much and I feel so desperate here. Who knows when I will see you again..." I wish I had a dollar for everytime he has said this exact same thing to me I could retire right now : )
Sep 26 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
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Liberty

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/10/rigorous-honesty-first-rule-recovery http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/01/why-do-we-remain-denial-so-long ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Sep 26 - 2PM
Beachcolors
Beachcolors's picture

Hi Liberty

Congrats.....you're making great progress. I felt similar relief when my N made contact two weeks ago after two months of NC. I can't say I felt nothing....i wanted to vomit. But now he has accomplished some of what he wanted because he is on my mind. Be proud of yourself but be careful...it will sneak up on you.
Sep 26 - 1PM
neveragain
neveragain's picture

Your User ID Suits You!

Liberty! Welcome to The Journey. It's a long one but a beautiful one. It's a time of self-discovery, healing and growth. Thank you for sharing what's happening with you. I think that you have a clarity of thinking now that will serve you well on this journey. We're all on our own journeys but by sharing our stories, we garner strength and support from each other. By reading, listening, writing and sharing, we can all learn how to not only survive but THRIVE. Like you, I am truly grateful for this site and all the wonderful words of wisdom and truth found here. It is the truth that sets us free and it is the support of each other that helps us soar. neveragain
Sep 26 - 1PM
Monica
Monica's picture

I am so happy for you, Liberty!

It was so good to read your post and hear about your resolve and confidence and strength! I am very happy for you!
Sep 26 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Liberty (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you neveragain & Monica

Thank you both for your kind acknowledgement. You can have no idea that inm so doing you have helped cement and reinforce a wonderful moment in my life. It's much bigger than this silly little man, it's a realisation that I feel has finally killed off any vestiges of a 'victim-self' that was my self for many years. I feel like a brand new shiny person :) Except better, the real me, and so yes neveragain, I now realise the (unconscious) appropriation of my username... I feel like shouting from the roof-tops 'I am and I am free.' Take care of you, :) Happy... xx
Sep 26 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I'm very happy for you. This

I'm very happy for you. This is the beginning of a journey. 12 days doesnt seem like a lot of time, so yes, celebrate, but know there are a lot of feelings that come and go until final resolution. I hope you are the exception. We are all here together working through some serious stuff. I'm always happy when one of us makes a bit of progress. Good for you! ~Free to Be~
Sep 26 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Liberty (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Which is why I was worried- Dolce

Thanks Dolce, 12 days is not a lot of time and after the sheer hell with this guy, I was afraid from reading the stories of others that this is some 'flight into health', that's why I tested myself and my reality based upon very real feelings of 'nothingness' in relation to him, by writing of this new found state, here. Of course my mind is still processing like crazy, but it has shifted to a detached and more academic position of sense making, whereas before that was going on in addition to holding all the feelings being stirred by recalling the numerous incidents of abuse from mild to 'I don't care to remember.' For instance 3 days ago I remembered shortly before my leaving him, we were lying in bed and I wasn't really sleepy and talking and he kept huffing (because he wanted to sleep but could not assert this and had to act it out) until he finally clamped his hand over my mouth. Hard. Well, now that I write this I don't feel pain, or distress, or shame, or self-blame, not even anger in resurrecting the memory for I have felt and experienced all these things, some alone, some with friends and so I believe have processed the emotional aspects of the experience. Now I think, and I think that never again will I allow myself to be in this position ever again. I am celebrating the arrival to a signifcant juncture in this process which up until now has been exclusive pain without hope. I can look forward to working harder to get to feel 'good enough' about it all, and that for me will be resolution. Today I feel hope and I know this is definitely something to celebrate and if that makes me the exception, well then I accept this too. Thank you, Liberty
Sep 26 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

We count them one by one...

In the beginning we count the minutes... Then we count the hours... Then we count the days... Soon we count the months... Then we counts the years... For me the date of May 22, 2006 will be remembered by me for infinity... For it’s the day of my personal freedom and a life taken back by me and for me... http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Sep 28 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
Liberty (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

James & Barbara

Thank you both! James, what you wrote was v.powerful, after a relapse early on ending it I am now counting the days with a growing confidence and strength that is gradually overshadowing the pain. I look forward to counting months... Barbara, thanks for posting the link on denial- it really helped me realise how in the beginning I was denying so as to avoid the pain of reality- but the timing of this was great and reinforced where I was at at the time of originally experiencing 'accpetance'- so it was great to validate where I am now at. L