7 days NC- !!! He's just made contact!!

26 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 22 - 5AM

Anonymous (not verified)

7 days NC- !!! He's just made contact!!

And the 'worst' thing about this is, that whilst I ended it last Tuesday evening. I ended it, I reclaimed my sense of choice and control over me and my life, and yet, his failure to contact me makes me feel so D&D, even though I ENDED IT.

It's like the space of this past week has allowed all the warning signs that I disavowed throughout the relationship to glare mercilessly in technicolour flashback, screaming at me 'Do you now see just how horrendous being with this man actually was Liberty!!!!!'

This is positive, but it hurts so much. Thanks to you all I have transcended the moment 24 hours ago of internalising his shame and persecution around this and instead detaching myself and striving to thank this process of grief for healing me and making me stronger in spite of the pain.

The tears are falling less in the past 24 hours (first night I didn't cry myself to sleep) I am feeling anger more consistently and beginning to realise that I am focusing more on me, my future and his 'appearance' in my mind's eye is becoming less powerful, more 'flimsy' reflecting the flimsy and pathetic illusion of a man he was. I feel less afraid of his image and as Marie and Peru have said recently, and beginning to sense that in time, he will fade and so too will I eventually feel nothing.

I can taste psychic freedom....

I couldn't be going through this and winning without you all.

Thank you so so much.

Have a good day,

Liberty from London, UK
xx

[4 hours subsequent to this post]: I have just received this text message from him:

'Hey Liberty. I don't want to lose you.'

I am not afraid as we live in different parts of Europe.

What is he actually saying?

Oh Lord, I do feel afraid not of him, but of the feelings now present. I can only say this to you guys, for I know you won't judge me,hope you won't hate me for sharing the feeling, but, (saying this in whisper) 'I'm glad he contacted me'... Oh God I've said it.

Suddenly feel weak.

Liberty
xx

#2 Sep 22 - 8AM

Liberty (not verified)

Thoughts after his contact.

Ainâ€™t NO way heâ€™s hoovering me, NO WAY, NO WAY.(Barbara, you must be weary of hearing my 'thank you's--article much appreciated) x Funny, things is the â€˜happyâ€™ (read happy for once to feel powerful) feelings have gone already and I am soooooooo certain that I am not replying and certainly not in a way to get hovered, be sure of that, dear friends. Peru, I thought of what you said yesterday about round 2. I think this is my saving grace. We are in two different countries (the relationship started towards the end of his career secondment here so we always knew heâ€™d be going- he he). In a way this makes me feel I very much have the upper hand. It also makes me curious to know how much of a supply I was to him in so far as what lengths he will go to (financially) to attempt to suck from me any more. So Iâ€™m feeling HUGELY powerful that he made contact and not weak, that was the immediate conditioned response to hearing from him. Gina, it sounds as though we are in not too dissimilar a place. Thank you for sharing your feelings it has really helped to normalise the feelings that I have that up until this morning was really persecuting me for having â€“ i.e. wishing it was him every time I had new mail in my inbox, mobile beeped etc. But thatâ€™s lessening. I am blessed to have a wonderful. Loving family and a fantastic group of friends and whilst the friends may not get it (I donâ€™t talk about the minutiae of the breakup, i.e. that he is an N) they love and care for me greatly, so socially Iâ€™m actually having to cancel stuff to take better care of me. I am pleased to hear that you are managing to get on with life and increase your social engagement- sooooooo important. Thanks for writing. What I actually would like to say to him is : â€œ You have already lost me. If there is the faintest hope in hell of you ever standing a chance to win me back you will have to get well. This means that you will enter serious psychoanalytic psychotherapy, for no less than a year before I would even consider meeting you. (He has been in therapy before he met me and bottled it when the therapist sussed him) And then you will continue in 1:1 therapy for as long as it takes to make you capable of relating to others as a human being. As you will glean this could take a decade and I have my life to liveâ€¦â€™ God I would so love to mail him that. Perutoo, what's the deal here- as he is obviously conforming to type, I suspect that my maintaining no contact will inform him that ain't nothing to hoover round this part of Europe and he will naturally get it and cease to contact me ever again? Likely? xx Liberty x

#3 Sep 22 - 4PM (Reply to #24)

time_to_move_on

to add to the hoovering....

Wanted to mention that the article that Barbara put up is SO relevant to what I went through. With my ex he was always like, "I've never felt this way before, blah, blah, blah". Thing is, I looked up all the info re. abusers and that was a major warning sign. And I thought it can't apply to us, he obviously loves me so much (hmmm, right). And then I found in his emails to his ex, "it took us so long to get over each other, and I think I still am finding it hard, as we both know my love for you was so intense". I asked him about it and he just shrugged his shoulders and said, "well, I didn't want to hurt you by letting you know I felt that way about someone else.". You are so better without him Liberty (as you know by the sounds of it :))

#4 Sep 22 - 4PM (Reply to #25)

Liberty (not verified)

time_to_move_on

Hey, Thanks for sharing of your experience in support of me I really appreciate it. They are just so 'skilled' at turning it over so quickly in a way tht convinces them that they are the innocent. Since finding this site I can now laugh at such lunacy. Laugh- who'd have thought it- me?! You can have no idea as to the powerfully positive impact your last line has had upon my sense of esteem. Thank you so very much. L

#5 Sep 22 - 12PM (Reply to #15)

Liberty (not verified)

I messed up...

Him: I don't want to lose you. Me: Then don't. What an idiot- that's me, not him.

#6 Sep 22 - 9PM (Reply to #21)

seekingPeace (not verified)

I probably would have texted him back too, don't feel bad

You answered him because your nature is telling you you love him and he is reaching out to you and your heart wishes you could work it out. If this was a HEALTHY relationship then that would be the next logical step. But as we know these men are not healthy, normal men who want to treasure us so we need to make sure we banish them from our orbit before they cause us to waste any more time than we already have with their lame BS. Believe me I still check the phone in the middle of the night hoping he has texted me, but each time I do I force myself to remember something completely irrational and painful that he did to me and it brings me right back into reality. Its like building a muscle, we need to keep remembering that it was excrutiating being with him and once we get thru this breakup , although the scars may remain, our self esteem and everything else they robbed us of ( including our joy) will come back to life. No regrets.... God Bless, seekingPeace

#7 Sep 23 - 12AM (Reply to #22)

Liberty (not verified)

seekingPeace

That is just the loveliest message ever. You are so gentle in tone yet so strong in message. You can have no ide as to how timely this is. I have barely slept for thinking, struggling, phone watching....all since he made contact after 7 days of none. The insidious affect of their illness is truly capable of destroying minds even from afar. Thank you so much, Liberty

#8 Sep 23 - 11AM (Reply to #23)

seekingPeace (not verified)

Guess what my ex made contact today lol

Liberty - How weird is this ? Almost a month no contact then I write you this email last night and this afternoon he texts me " Is it ok if I call later I want to see how you are doing..." I am shocked. seekingPeace.

#9 Sep 22 - 1PM (Reply to #20)

Barbara (not verified)

it's fine but NO MORE CONTACT

NOW BLOCK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#10 Sep 22 - 1PM (Reply to #16)

Scoop

Its ok we have all messed up

Its ok we have all messed up , lord know i have . Now you have given him some supply i expect he will think "job done" I wish you could be a year down the line with him to know how this will turn out (not that i wish you the agony of a relationship with a narc ). It never turns out well and he will remember how you dumped him this time and man alive you will pay . Your in London and he is in another country , keep it like that . You are at the moment suffering from brainwashing , something you arnt totaly awear of until you start coming out of that state , given the chance he will suck you right back in and it will be game over until he dumps you after annihilation of your whole soul . sorry to be blunt but im 3 mounths out of a relationship with a compleat deranged freak after a year with him and i wouldnt wish this pain on anyone . Stop contact turn off the phone . maybe tell us of some of the terrible things he has done to you , whats the werst thing that sticks in your mind , something that plays over in your mind , it may help if you see it in black and white and it is commented on by the girlfriends . Peru x

#11 Sep 22 - 5PM (Reply to #19)

calamity-g

Its ok we have all messed up

Thanks for that comment Peru. I know writing about it has helped me. At times, I think I am pretty well sick myself, in my mind I mean, to know and still have these strange desires or illusions of having the "pretend," guy show up and stay. Like you said too, "he will remember," and we will pay for the things he remembers. If he felt dumped once he will not ever forget it and will get revenge. calamity gina

~~~~~~~~
My Blog

#12 Sep 22 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

Liberty (not verified)

Peru

Hey Peru, There is something so delightfully exuberant to your tone - I really identify with it- and if you'll indulge the healthy(?) narcissism in me- it makes hearing from you such a delight... I know this may be a dumb question but in my responding to his text albeit with just two words- but how is this giving 'him some supply- forgive my naivity- but is it about rewarding his need to know that I am still potentially available to supply him or is it in itself supply by mere virture of my replying that feeds his need for merger, which is supply? I am so sorry that you had a year of this Peru, but I am soooo happy to know that you are three months shot of him. At what point did you know something wasn't right? You have no need to be sorry- I like that you are direct. Part of you that I am coming to very much appreciate. Oh yes, the fact that we are in two different countries suits me to a t and to think we were talking about my moving to be with him- wtf!!! Thank the good Lord that I cam to my senses before giving up a great career, loving friends and family- bloody hell he had me going painting this idyllic picture of bliss- ha! You know in many ways it's precisely because he has returned that I was a little surprised that he made contact- afterall he can do what the hell he wants in terms of new prey and I should never know, so why he would bother contacting me, when I can't supply him from afar, baffles me somewhat. Anyway back to me :-) that's how I have to stay- focusing on me and stop thinking about him. Hard as I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that my default position is to preoccupy mental energies on the needs of another, but he has taught me that I need to start thinking of me. I hope you are doing ok tonight. p.s. you are so right in your earlier comments. I replied 'Then don't' about 4 hours after his original 'I don't want to lose you text' and guess what no further contact. These people are truly f****d in the head. Before this would have had me in great distress. Because of knowledge I understand his games now and I don't feel a thing other than bemusement. Amen :-) Lib x

#13 Sep 23 - 4AM (Reply to #18)

Scoop

Weather you reply positive

Weather you reply positive or negative it doesnt matter to them as each way is a sign you are willing to engaged with them .To the narc you can be screaming at their face and they will know all they have to do is turn on the mr nice guy act for a day or two and you will be right back where they want you . They have studied you to know exsactly how to hover you back in .I was in such a state of trance with this guy after months of mixed messages "i love you , i dont love you " kind of bull shit some times in the same sentance . He chipped away at me , it started with little things like i brought a new purse and he laughed at it because it was pink , he laughed at my decoration in my house (this made me so mad as my house is bloody lovely and he lives in a hovel ).He started this way of talking that anything i would say any comments i would make he would contradict ie me "the sky is blue today " he "no peru its not blue its turquoise". It drove me crazy but i recognised it straight away as that is what my older brother did to me as a child , i remember yelling at a kid at my brother "why do you always say im wrong " my brother would reply in the most arrogent way " because you are wrong " My narc use to tell me i had problems which he was helping me with , he would talk in riddles saying " and this goes to the heart of your problem " i would say " what problem do you think i have ?" and he would say "only you know that ".When the gloves where off at the end my reply was "my problem is you sweetie ". Its difficult to explane how he chipped away at me because so much of it was body language and tone of voice and subtle put downs in public . At the end he showed his real ugly self , a spitting bully . No contact is the only form of comunication you can have with these fucked up little creeps . See, they thought they had you sussed, they thought they could raise a little finger and have you running and by not doing that is like one huge slap in the face to them .I have been watching him dance on his own and it brings him right back down to size .When i take him off that pederstall and look at the real man he is someone i would have never looked twice at , he knew that so the only way he could get me was by acting and he aint no De Niro . oh great comment i heard once "In the film credits of life he would be man in shop number two but in his head he is the lead role ". HA HA . Peru x

#14 Sep 22 - 8AM (Reply to #12)

Barbara (not verified)

I always like hearing thanks

I always like hearing thanks - its the only thing that makes what exNH and Psycho-Boy and NarcMom, etc etc put me through worth it http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/07/22/barbaras-story (and the reason for my abuse information site - see below) Don't bother sending or saying anything EVER - NARCISSISM IS NOT CURABLE, FIXABLE or CHANGEABLE. It is PERMANENT PATHOLOGY. PERMANENT. http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2006/11/is-there-good-in-everyone.html http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/09/20/should-you-confront-narcissist-about-his-narcissism ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#15 Sep 22 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

Liberty (not verified)

Heartfelt thanks and gratitude to you Dear B...

Firstly allow me to say how deeply sorry I am for so much pain you have been subjected to by an Ex-H Narc, Psychoboy and Mum. I can relate to the latter two but in many ways realise how 'lightly' I got off. I cannot begin to imagine the depth pain and hurt that you must have endured having undertaken marriage to such an undeserving cretin. I am so sorry and as I say in some ways makes me feel a little histrionic in my outpourings here having escaped a relationship that was only 4 months. Your tireless giving of yourself merits way more than 'thank you's but this is all, for now I have to convey my deep appreciation of you and all that you continue to do in support of me. I think what makes the experience of 'weakness' so hard for me in by relation to this man, is that ahead of leaving him I gave it to him plain and straight. In other words I confronted him. A synopsis of that confrontation: 'You are incapable of considering the needs or feelings of others. Your entire mental energies are focused only on you. You cannot love for you do not undertsand what it means. You have hurt me terribly but you cannot begin to conceive of this to find sorrow in your heart much less convey it to me. Your beahviour toward me has been nothing shy of disgusting, despicable and I am only so sorry that for a moment too long I allowed you to exercise your inhumanity upon me. He did not rage, did not respond at all except to look completely scolded (like the 2 year old he is) and muttered, I feel so shit. I believe this man that I loved is aware of his failings, I believe he is aware of the pain he causes others and I actually do believe that he knows, on some level that which he causes others, including me. The tragefy is that he cannot connect this awareness with 'right' action to redress the balance and it is for the reason that I shalll never re-enter a relationship with him. God Bless you B. xxx

#16 Sep 22 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

Barbara (not verified)

Liberty

I lost count of the Ns I dated. both my NMom and a sociopath bfriend of mine tried to kill me I tried to commit suicide once I have had numerous N bosses that gave me a bleeding ulcer and a few Nfriends I ditched pretty quickly The last couple - exNH and Psycho-Boy - just finished me off. My PTSD, I have been told, is permanent but I manage just fine. If what I have endured helps others - my life experience has been worth it. you ex doesn't feel shit - he doesn't FEEL - Period. He knows what he's doing is wrong, he just DOES NOT REALLY CARE. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#17 Sep 22 - 8AM

calamity-g

Liberty--just made contact

Liberty-- I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. (That you are glad he made contact). I hope you read what Barb said about "his supply," because she is right. Sometimes I find myself looking at my email several times, or if I get a text, sometimes I realize I wished it had been him. Which is why I come to this site and Barbara's blog! For me it feels like some kind of sickness of my own. I get angry with myself and tell myself I am really stupid and things, but then I know that isn't healthy so I am trying now to think more positively about myself. Read about that on here yesterday. I have chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia but if I was not so tired, I would definitely be going out. I recently joined a small socials group. They have them all over the Nation, called Meetup.com and there are hundreds of different groups to join, for free. I went to one of the meetups at local restaurant and about six people were there, along with the moderator. This helped me sooo much. Talking to normal people plus realizing that there are plenty of single nice men out there is pretty cool too. My little group is having a bon-fire "meetup," soon-- so what a great way to meet some new people. I would recommend going on a vacation, a hike, a visit to a sick person, anything at all besides more contact! calamity gina

~~~~~~~~
My Blog

#18 Sep 22 - 8AM (Reply to #7)

Barbara (not verified)

calamity gina

please call me Barbara or B. NEVER 'Barb' - it is a huge trigger for me thank you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#19 Sep 22 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

calamity-g

calamity gina apologizes

Barbara-- I am very sorry I called you a name that is a trigger. As I was writing I felt something when I didn't spell your complete name, like I was trying to make my comment short or something but my gut said to me, hey you don't know this person personally so you should write the name you see -- and I did not listen. I sincerely apologize. calamity gina

~~~~~~~~
My Blog

#20 Sep 22 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

Barbara (not verified)

calamity gina

thank you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#21 Sep 22 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

calamity-g

thank you

I know I've said it before Barbara, but thank you. I need this help right now as I am in pain and you really do help. calamity gina

~~~~~~~~
My Blog

#22 Sep 22 - 8AM

Scoop

Ok forget my last post i

Ok forget my last post i just read your update . First of all its ok to feel happy that he text you . BUT now you have to really think long and hard about what this man has made you feel in 4 short months . Your on a high so dont do anything until you have come down a bit . You know i was not suprised one bit that this guy texts today , you can write the script with these blokes . Didnt i say yesterday get ready for round 2 . If these guys are that predictable can you see that all we have said will happen in the future is what will happen .He has had a taste of life with out you and no doubt he will change his behaviour for a month or 2 but know a man by past behaviour , In all our relationships we have gone back and the abuse gets werse .The honey moon period gets shorter . You where kicking your self yesterday for letting him treat you in such a way . . NO CONTACT Peru x

#23 Sep 22 - 7AM

Barbara (not verified)

Liberty - NC

He's hoovering. Trying to reel you back in. http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/05/hoover-how-to-recognize-it-and-move.html more like "I don't want to lose MY supply that I spent so much time brainwashing and manipulating." NO CONTACT!! BLOCK HIM!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#24 Sep 22 - 7AM

Scoop

How did he make contact and

How did he make contact and what did he say if you dont mind me asking . Did you reply ? Peru x

#25 Sep 22 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

dolce (not verified)

I know that my exN is now

I know that my exN is now back in his home country trying to reel back in his ex wife. I pray she doesnt give in to him again. I know she was put through hell for 15 years and was abandoned and depressed. He has no supply right now, so I know he's turning on the charm and apologies. I hope you stay strong too and have no contact at all. ~Free to Be~

#26 Sep 23 - 12PM (Reply to #3)

donedeed (not verified)

mommies boys

My nh,met me at 15 and in a very vunrable state,he never let me go, and by 16 i was married to him, his promises of love and to look after me, to make of the shit life i had up to then were all rubbish,within 7months of biegn married i was pregnant and a month later he was in prison, his parents came and got me and took me to live with them in a area i had never heard of in my life and didnt know a soul. they worked so i was alone allday, with no money, no friends or family and not a clue where i was.the only time i went out was with his mother to visit him in prison.he came home and a month later i had our first, we lived with his parents and i was truly trapped for the next 31 years, with him telling me he took me out of the gutter and me believing him, even saying to him i know i am not good enough for you,Didnt he just love that, this spineless, cowardly mothers boy? when i tried to commit suicide, he swaggered in to the hospital looking like a male model,loaded down with food for me, pity i had anorexia at the time.Funny thing is i dont hate him i dont feel anything, its like it was all a dream. woman fond him attractive but wher or not he done anything i dont know, he liked porn ectect. But to be fair i didnt like sex and thats the only thing he accepted as if he knew that if he did anything untoward sexually i would have left big time .funny that; towards the end when the kids had gone and he knew i didnt want him he became diffrent about sex and graphic and crude. i got ill so got out safely as plannedxx

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