6 months NC – progress report

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#1 May 5 - 3PM
Viola22
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6 months NC – progress report

So it’s been half a year no contact. How weird. I’ve been trying to assess where I am now, and whether I’ve made progress.

So I decided enough was enough 6 months ago when, not only was I getting zilch out of the so-called relationship but I was feeling mentally and physically sick, spinning and spiralling out of control. My whole life was out of kilter – I was experiencing a gradual disconnection from all the things and people I hold dear in life.

Anyway, after that last phone conversation where he manipulated me into giving him information, I thought ‘this is it’. There was no big break-up scene ; I just stopped contacting him and then it was radio silence from him (and still is). Roundabout the same time as that last conversation, I was having therapy – NOT amazing : therapist told me to ‘contact N- if I felt like it’, like fighting drug addiction with cocaine. But then I had a one-on-one with Goldie. Hearing my story, she made me realise N- was not a Narc but a Psychopath – he does not ‘need’ the validation to survive, he just enjoys ‘playing’ people for fun. What an eye-opener that was. Little by little I came to realise new things, some of which I’m still realising now – like, I thought I was acting of my own volition, but a lot of the time, I was just being played, as when someone plays a practical joke on you – they just want to see ‘if you’ll do it’. You are a puppet on a string. This still makes me feel violently sick.

That’s not to say I have achieved full clarity : cognitive dissonance is still at work – I still miss that unrelenting attention he gave me, the self-esteem which he seemed to fuel (but then to crush the next day…). I still have fantasies – which I have to remind myself are just that. I also have those bad PTSD dreams – even though things never went that sour (Psychopaths go out of their way to avoid ‘trouble’) – in which he puts me in such a state that I have to be hospitalised.

On the positive side, I am impressed by how far away it all seems now. It all seems like a very bad dream. I am also happy to say my life is moving on (maybe not at the speed I’d like it to) but it is : I am making projects, being pro-active, re-connecting with my loved one(s). I’m also trying to come to terms with boundary setting and FOO issues – not easy at all.

Finally, it’s not been perfect no contact, despite the fact that we live in different countries : there have been a few triggering moments with people we know in common but I have made an effort not to mention the story to them (I was dying to share but then couldn’t and finally felt empowered ignoring him). Unfortunately, I have done a little cyber-stalking but thankfully we’re not ‘friends’ in cyber-space and he posts very little publicly. At this point, I am just waiting where I put him out of my life for good. So help me God.

May 8 - 2PM
talktothehand
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viola