4 months..NO CONTACT

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#1 Jul 23 - 11PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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4 months..NO CONTACT

It has been 4 months today with absolutely no contact on my part. He has not called, or text me, and I have made no contact with him. This is the longest NC in 7 years.

There have been very difficult days when I start to miss him and almost reach for the phone, but I have devised an effective strategy that seems to be working.

This is my own personal 3-step program:

1. In addition to keeping a journal and writing every single awful thing he has ever done, I have also included how bad he made me feel. I have described the pain. Anytime I feel like contacting him I read this and it is a reminder of what will happen to me if I talk to him.

2. I get very, very angry. The sadness I initially felt is gone, and anytime it rears it's head I just revisit the journal so I can get angry again. Anger is a good thing. For a long time I lived in his pretend world and internalized the pain. Now I'm letting it out. Anger prevents me from contacting him.

3. This last step is very important for me and preserves my mental and physical health. I take all the anger I feel and put it in a place where it can not touch my body. I have found holding the anger inside makes me physically ill and have experienced some serious medical problems.

So, to summarize-- write all of it down, everything; read it over and over--esp. during your weak moments; allow yourself to feel the anger; put these feelings in a safe place where they can not harm you.

Things are getting better. I will be strong when he resurfaces... (he always does..)

Jul 24 - 6PM
Carolyn
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A fun thing in addition to

A fun thing in addition to the list of hurt and humiliation is to buy a piggy bank and every time you are tempted to call him, for more of the same hurt and humiliation, put some money in the bank. When the bank is full take the money and do something fun.
Jul 25 - 1AM (Reply to #9)
Marie
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Carolyn

That's a cool idea, thanks!
Jul 24 - 8AM
Marie
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Right On!

Amen sister! I couldn't agree with you more. My journal has helped me get through the year. In the beginning it was hard to maintain NC but looking back through that journal made it clear it was necessary. You get to see patterns of behavior and relive the pain of their leaving or whatever method they use to control. I too feel anger more than sadness. There are the moments that I weaken and want to call. I remind myself what a mistake that would be. Even if I did it just as a friend his over inflated ego would see it as me chasing him. I have no desire to have him back in my life. I also remind myself he made it abundantly clear to cut off all contact with me. So I tell myself he doesn't want to hear from me anyway. It was hard in the beginning thinking that and would bring me to tears. I believed he loved me and had to reprogram myself that he didn't, that I was just an annoyance to him. Not an easy thing to feel about oneself. Thanks for the post, I hope everyone adds journaling into their lives it really does help.
Jul 24 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
James (not verified)
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Okay place Your Bets!!

Each time I hear about someone breaking NC, I think about what Dr. Carver, wrote in his article about Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers in Relationship. In a way each time we contact or are contacted again by them and allow them back into our life’s we will in a way up the ante and will find it harder and harder to get away. I often wonder if the loser know this as well? Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" - escape will be three times as difficult the next time. http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
Jul 24 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
Debra (not verified)
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James--I am the lucky one.

I've already managed to escape two times --each time I went back he had more control. You are right, the more we invest in the relationship, the more we have to lose, so we tend to work harder to make it work, and the cycle continues.. Like a game of sort, I maintain NC, he loses. I break the contract, I lose. I'd rather win.
Jul 24 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Debra (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Exactly, Marie

I know exactly what you mean. It would be a terrible mistake to contact him again. For him it would be "victory"-- I know the only thing mine notices right now is that his supply is no longer there, and he is hungry. I hope he starves!
Jul 24 - 6AM
James (not verified)
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Debra

So, to summarize-- write all of it down, everything; read it over and over--esp. during your weak moments; allow yourself to feel the anger; put these feelings in a safe place where they can not harm you. I know it help me to understand and get some type of confirmation in my personal life. What was interesting for me personally was I wrote the journal before I knew about Personality Disorders. So when I went back and reread what I wrote, What a eye opener!! All the questions and pieces just started falling into place.. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jul 24 - 12AM
Barbara (not verified)
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awesome!

I hope other members read and heed everything you say here, especially your very healthy use of anger. You maintain NO CONTACT - it will be the biggest 'SCR*W YOU' he's probably ever gotten. Cyber-High-Five! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 24 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
Debra (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Barbara..

I'm sitting here smiling, thinking about the "SCR*W YOU" I have delivered to him ....YES!!