2.5 years out

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#1 Feb 16 - 11AM
Peaceseeker
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2.5 years out

It`s been about 2.5 years since I found the forum and although it took me a while to go NC and then weekly therapy for a further 1 year after that it was very worth it :) keep going!!!

2.5 years out and got together with a friend (after avoiding men like the plague) wondering if he too is an N :(

I came back to re-read my posts and get a feel for how confused I was mentally, for all people who are new to this site NC is the only way to get over the mental rape which ensues from an ongoing relationship with an N. All the confusion, the FOG, the fear, the gas lighting and using your vulnerabilities. Best of all as far as I know he is with someone else and I genuinely really don`t care. He tried to hoover at various points. First he sent me photos of his OW in 2014 no text just photos I did not reply. Then an apology came in the summer, maybe they had broken up? I broke NC (bad idea) just to say I had forgiven him, it degenerated into a vile exchange.

Then out of the blue came another VERY LONG apology he had found a new email account I had set up for my family only in Oct 2015. I again sent a very short message saying I had forgiven him and that I wanted NC.

but I learned NC means really nothing nada zip block everything and DO NOT REPLY even if they are trying to hook back in with an apology. focus on you.

Now I am dealing with a new situation and would value opinions. I got involved with a male friend who I had known for 9 years and who knew the details of the abusive ex. He was very supportive while I was in therapy but also was acting like a boyfriend without committing. I have been extremely wary of men and dating since the ex N so I thought as I already knew him this could really be good. I knew he had had some commitment issues but as he is older than me (I am mid 30s) I thought he might be finally in a place to commit to someone...

I am now wondering if he is also an N. This idea has really thrown me hence coming back here.

*He has on more than one occasion disappeared i.e. would not contact me for days and re-appeared acting like nothing happened and not replying to mails.

*in a conversation with a female friend of his who i was becoming friends with at the time (about a year ago) she became very upset to hear that he and I had been involved with him, she had no idea. This started me wondering if he was emotionally involved with more than one women

* he was very angry that I had told her about our involvement saying it was his privacy and he stopped speaking to me saying he thought I was not ready for a new relationship. He also blocked me on FB when I was reacting to any pictures of him with women. HERE I am not sure if I had left over trust issues or if my gut was telling me something.

*I broke contact with him last year in the summer as I was away and he had been to stay with me when I was working away but some comments he made again really seemed to trigger me. I am not sure if I was being overly sensitive or picking something up.

* I re-connected in the autumn but his behaviour is very secretive. He said we were dating but we only did things just he and I although we have mutual friends. He did not take any pictures with me (even though he loves selfies) and although we went out for dinner etc I was not invited to any events.

* He accused me of gossiping when a mutual friend saw a picture of him carrying a womans bags with a statement about being "proud to be her bag service" on FB. I have come to detest social media after my past situations and do not have any personal info or many albums anymore, or use my real name on other sites.

* His behaviour while not overtly abusive such as name calling (my ex called me a whore/slut and many other names) is defensive if I ask questions. In addition he has accused me in the same way my ex did of being pressuring whilst at the same time giving me mixed messages such as come over to my house (with physical contact) but not being open about things.

At this point I have decided to not see him for the foreseeable future but unfortunately it has left me feeling confused about my own judgement which I hoped was better. I am not sure if he is just someone with commitment issues or an N.

What makes me think he is an N is the secrecy, the fact that when confronted on issues of incongruence of word and action (although he later apologised) he turned it round on me. He has never called me names or done anything nearly as bad as my ex N but he HAS ignored me on more than one occasion even after I explained to him that this particularly is a big trigger for me. He has said some of my behaviour is not "relationship building " but when I showed a very close friend some of his messages she said they were confusing and did not make sense.

I have absolutely NO DESIRE to ever ever be with another N or be played like I was for 3 years before so any comments etc very welcome.

Feb 18 - 8AM
Used
Used's picture

Peace

Feb 18 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
Peaceseeker
Peaceseeker's picture

r.e. reeling me in

Feb 20 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Peace seeker

Feb 18 - 5AM
Lookforward
Lookforward's picture

I have absolutely NO DESIRE

Feb 18 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
Peaceseeker
Peaceseeker's picture

The dance of self doubt, what

Feb 18 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
Lookforward
Lookforward's picture

Some predatory men and all

Feb 17 - 7PM
ItsFinallytime
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Does it really matter what

Feb 18 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Peaceseeker
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HI, thanks for the reality

Feb 17 - 7PM
Lacey
Lacey's picture

I'm not sure...

Feb 18 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
Peaceseeker
Peaceseeker's picture

Yes, friends with benefits

Feb 19 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
truthnow
truthnow's picture

Interesting Read on FWB

Truthnow