PAST LETTERS (NEVER SENT) TO THE EXN

Despite the breakup of 9 weeks, and the fact that he has a new supply (public after 4 weeks post breakup), today is another bad day for me. I have remained NC for only two weeks, (i guess because of his hoovering and my hope we could find our way back to each other. WHY!!!!!?????) but thoughts of 'what should have been' and 'she's living what's supposed to be my life' are flooding my brain. So l am posting unsent letters to my EXN to remind myself of the HELL he put me through for 2 years.

Letter written January 2010:

Dear B:

I am letting you go for the following reasons:

1. You lie to me

2. You'd rather be at scoobys* (his bar) than be with me

3. You left me and my children with no heat in our house while you were at your bar

4. I'm ALWAYS last to you...under your parents (with whom he lives), your brothers, and your children (ok with me, but my children can NEVER come before him, although they always did)

5. You call me dirty names (whore, skank, bitch, crazy ass bitch, fuck face, c***. fat ass
(the only one he ever apologized for...he likes my ass...?????)

6. You are emotionally abusive to me

7. You treat me like I'm dishonest to you - you don't trust me (I would have never betrayed him)

8. You'd rather look at other women and comment on how attractive they are to you than be respectful of my feelings

9. I always come to you - you rarely come to me, especially if my kids are around

10. You won't come with me - you just want me in your life

11. No phone
No money
No home

I will miss how you look at me

I will miss beautiful B, kind B, helpful B, fun B - he's just not around enough

I will miss your passion, your lips, your strength

Fast forward mid September 2011 - letter written 2 weeks before he left me for the OW:

Dear B,

I was just sitting here this Friday morning in my chair having a cup of coffee, and for some reason I decided to write you a letter.

I want you to know Nice B will ALWAYS be the love of my life
So incredibly handsome
Beautiful deep sweet brown eyes
the sexiest big lips, big feet - I love them

Nice B is kind, strong, open, giving, funny, smart, warm, sweet, helpful.

But I felt so betrayed that you didn't want me to see my friends for lunch or a few drinks but that you could go to scoobys or **** every other night. And then the lies you told me to cover what you did and the horrible names you called me to deflect you lies:

whore, crazy, skank, fat ass, slut, fuck face, bitch, cu** on a regular basis

And the other cruel things you said to me:

old, bad kisser, fat ass

You said you were just being funny, but those were hurtful words. Those words hurt my heart. The words coupled with your constant commentary on how attractive other women were started to make me lose confidence.

I know I am getting old and I'm not the skinniest woman, but I know I am beautiful, passionate and smart. There will be a man someday who enjoys my company and thinks I am beautiful through and through. A man who wants to be rock solid for me and not make me feel less trusting than I already am.

You made me worse when you promised to help me and didn't. You chose your bars over a life with me. You chose other women over me (although I fairly certain he didn't cheat on me until the very end).

I should have left you the first time you called me a skank. Then a whore. But I so loved the good part of you and was so passionate for you and who you want to be.

Sometimes I was crazy. I was crazy after you always went to scoobys and **** and lied to me so many times. I couldn't count on you - I got crazy - you don't respect me at all and NEVER took responsibility for your behavior. EVERYTHING to you was my fault - no matter what I did. You gave me shit for taking my boys to hockey - treated me like I was whoring myself to some idiot at hockey!!!

You have a real problem
You are truly mean
You are the crazy one
You are unyeilding

You NEVER apologized for how much you hurt me - and you hurt me on purpose so many times.

I don't want to be hurt
I don't want to be untrusting
I don't want to feel like the man I'm with is always looking at other women

You can have scoobys and **** and porn and look at all the women you want.

I am not the woman for you
You are not the man for me

I finally got away from you and will never feel horrible hurt and pain and betrayal because of you. And I won't have my sons see me falling apart and crying because of you again.

You damaged my heart
I will fix myself
I am worthy of someone being kind to me; treating me with love and respect and strength and respect.

S

Yet I stayed with him. When he finally D & Dd me (two weeks later), I said "Nice B will always be the love of my life..too bad he doesn't exist!!!" (now I know how true my words were!!!) This is the man that has my soul shattered...who has moved on with another woman within a month of our breakup, who has already introduced his children to her...WTF is wrong with me?????