Owning Your Issues and Not Taking on His is a Major Advancement

Hi all - I wanted to share with you all a passage from the book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life that has really helped me turn a corner this week. As some of you know, last week, I was really, really down and struggling with my emotions because it is the one year anniversary of the devaluation phase. After a couple of really helpful posts from Better Off, I took some time away from the board, read few books, cried a lot and had a good conversation with my friend who filled me on a few more details about the narc. These details were some missing puzzle pieces and now we both know in our hearts that the ex was truly a narc and not someone either one of us want in our lives ever again. In fact, we’re both pretty convinced that he’s a psychopath too but that’s almost a moot point at this stage of the game. Something happened in my head and all of these things started to really click together. I've had a couple of down, teary moments in the past week but finally feel the depression and the doom and gloom lifting. It's been one hell of a ride and I'm glad it's starting to feel like it might actually have an end.

At any rate, even though I've heard this before, something about the way Linda Martinez-Lewi wrote this passage struck a nerve. So I offer it in the hope that some of you may find peace from it too…

“Becoming deeply aware of your psychological issues, either through private insights or professional intervention, empowers those who deal with narcissistic individuals. Armed with this level of understanding, we learn not to intermingle the narcissist’s ego-driven concerns with the psychological scenarios of our life story. This frees those who are involved with a narcissist from shouldering the devaluation and guild he so readily projects upon them. These projections are sharp, like a well-honed knife. They are designed to cut to the core, leaving their victim psychologically wounded. In the heat of these confrontations, remember to tell yourself: ‘This is his issue; I’m not at fault and will not carry the blame that is being unjustifiably heaped on me.’ As the pointed words bruise your eardrums, you might hear the reverberations of dormant parental voices coming to life: ‘You never do anything right’ ‘How can you be so dumb?’ ‘You are always making mistakes.’ ‘What’s the matter with you?’
Owning your own psychological issues and not taking on his represents a major advancement, a great victory for you. It means you remain whole