The ow hasnt left her house in a month

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#1 Nov 20 - 3PM
Scoop
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The ow hasnt left her house in a month

Oh dear , i have just come back from dinner with a good friend of the OW , Just to recap the ow left my narc a month ago , she left him ok . My friend saw the ow a couple of days ago and she said she is devastated over the break up and that she hasnt left the house in a month , not going out basicly .
I so want to talk to her , i dont even know if she would hear me . This is what the narc did to me after only 3 months into the relationship , he acted so badly i had to leave , he hovered me back in after 5 weeks , i wish i never went back . I want to tell her not to go back , she must be in cog diss and having withdrawle the same as me . My sence of sisterhood is back with her , the poor woman , she is going through hell and she dosent even know why .
I suspect he turned on her one night and she still having strength walked out , little did she know what a brainwashing trick he had done on her ... What to do ... nothing i guess .
It made me so sad to hear that news today .
Scoop x

Nov 20 - 8PM
Susan32
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Reaching out...

In my junior year, the ex-Psych professor's openly gay ex-boyfriend reached out to me, to warn me. He was immensely compassionate... and I'm still thankful to him for showing me what the situation REALLY was and the way out. He's gone on to be a successful lawyer. The gay ex-boyfriend was himself a professor. He brought up the subjects of thinking for myself, encouraging me, taking me seriously as a person, basic respect. The openly gay professor took me seriously as a student. At the time, I took his advice somewhat seriously. Not seriously enough to actually leave the ex-P... but he did make me THINK. And he'd say "Think for yourself, don't listen to Mr. T---." In this case, the gay prof was ABLE to reach out because I was his student. I wanted to reach out to the fiancee from LA... but I knew I couldn't. She would've seen me as a lovestruck student,young, naive, etc. I WANTED to warn her, but I had to accept I was powerless. She was an adult, a decade older than me. Believe me, I wanted to save her. I wanted to reach out as the gay prof reached out to me... but this situation was different. I wasn't her coworker;I wasn't a friend or a relative. She wouldn't have listened to me anyhow.
Nov 20 - 6PM
faithinthefuture
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scoop

I would want to reach out to her too. There goes that empathetic heart of ours. But MsV said it best. You are still to vulnerable and need to protect yourself first. If you were at a stronger place I would say go for it. She may listen to you and then get back with him and he would hear everything you told her. That wouldn't be good right now. He'd come crashing down on you so hard and you don't need or deserve that. Someday if you were to talk to her she would realize what you told her was the truth and be thankful for your words. But right now it's all about you sweetie. And you are not being selfish by putting yourself first! Remember that.
Nov 20 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
almostlydia
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It is definitely a tough one

It is definitely a tough one because, it can backfire on you. This was the most distressing thing with the OW's. They still think they can talk to the N's and be honest. Then your ass is burned big time just for trying to help. However, damn, we all know the suffering of not knowing what is wrong with this picture and how lifesaving if someone were to just tell. I guess you could tell the friend of the OW that if she wants to talk to call you and then just listen - as hard as that would be and try to figure out if anything you could say would be listened to. I think you can tell when they aren't finished quite yet. It is a conundrum:) almostlydia

almostlydia

Nov 20 - 3PM
Briseis
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That would be hard for me to

That would be hard for me to NOT do something. But in your shoes, I wouldn't extend myself personally to her. Only because it was YOUR narc that you are still recovering from, still having unwanted interference from, that is causing her problems right now. If I WERE to reach out to someone, I would send them an anonymous link or reference to a support forum (probably not the one I was on) about NPD relationships. But even doing that is slippery, and I'd have to get aggressively honest with myself as to what my motivations were, what (if any) underlying unconscious expectations I had. We have to take care of Number One FIRST. Even before other victims (what a concept to us empaths, I know). Your heart is in the right place. She has friends, she probably has internet access. It isn't like the info is hard to find. You know, she could be at home reading and rereading all the literature and support forums instead of leaving the house :D .
Nov 20 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
Scoop
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My motivation is two fold ,

My motivation is two fold , first i want her to not go through what i went through , my goodness no one should have to suffer that abuse least of all a sister in my extended group . but the other motivation is to get a sister on side so he will leave town. Hmmm .... I may be an empath but there is a demond in me somewhere lol
Nov 20 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
gettinbetter
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scoop

I know its hard but don't do it. Even if you did tell her she would listen wide eyed and say yes but then she would go into denial as we have all done. You can't really prevent anything she has already caught the Virus. She will just have to go thru all of the stages as we are doing
Nov 20 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
darkspark
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I agree

It sucks but you don't how much crap you might have to go through just to TRY to help someone who might not be ready to listen. I just went through this and I'm still trying to get my head out of the spin cycle. We all have to get there on our own terms. You can offer a suggestion like B said, but my recommendation is to protect yourself as much as possible.
Nov 20 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
MsVulcan500
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Scoop,

I have to agree with everyone else here. As hard as it is for you to back away from this, you must. For you. I know you want to reach out and help her, any of us would. But you are still too raw and too close to her situation to take yourself back to that dark place. And that is exactly what will happen if you get involved in her problem. You will end up hurting yourself. You have worked long and hard to get where you are, and you don't want to backtrack. Also, what if she and you vent all about this, you feel bad again, and she still ends up going back to him? Then he knows all of your feelings and knows exactly how much he hurt you. This would be a hard thing for me too, but this is a time you have to be selfish and think about yourself and your own recovery. She will have to find her own way, unfortunately. Hugs to you, this shows once again what a big heart you have.