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OUR (the Victims' ) Guilt

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#1 Jul 6 - 9PM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

OUR (the Victims' ) Guilt

I blamed myself because I was a nut in the beginning of the relationship. All he did and all that he was, could be traced, according to me, to MY behaviors early on.

But it was not just me. He would keep a laundry list of all the things I had ever done and every single argument would trot it out and throw it in my face. Whether it was forgetting something yesterday to a parking ticket last year to bouncing a check 3 years ago to not washing the dishes correctly 5 years ago to being a nut when we first started going out. It was all there, every argument, and it was endless and kept me perpetually frozen in a position of “Oh my goodness, I truly suck. It is so nice of him to put up with me. No wonder why he needs other women. No wonder why he gets abusive. I’m such a loser.”

That guilt. That shame. That guilty shame kept me there for too many years. I became cloying and pitiful. I tried to please him and could not. I tried to “make it work” and I could not. It was my fault. If I hadn’t been such a NUT in the beginning none of this would be happening.

Read this whole great article here:
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2009/07/03/guilt-as-we-know-it/

Oct 9 - 11AM
Cgrl
Cgrl's picture

ugly

They are so ugly. Their comments are ugly like them. One of the last things he said to me was "you have this" - meaning I'm two years shy of fifty and my neck is starting. Would you believe after four months NC I still think of this comment. I think he left because I'm ugly. Then I remember how ugly he is. Just for the record- I bought one of those neck slimmers from the infomercial. Even though he is not around it still affects me. I totally understand where all of you are comming from.
Oct 9 - 1PM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Cgrl

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/29/when-they-make-you-think-you-arent-attractive-enough-them only a shallow ass would comment about someone's weight or appearance like that. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Oct 9 - 7AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

when we feel guilty

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Aug 30 - 7PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

for infinity - there's NOTHING wrong with you

SEE TOP POST & LINK ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Aug 15 - 9PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I feel guilty & ashamed

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone
Jul 16 - 8PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

i feel so guilty

SEE LINK IN TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 7 - 1AM
neveragain
neveragain's picture

What a Typical Gaslight Technique

I have had three (well, maybe more but shorter ones) significant relationships with Narcissists. I found out early on (and didn't know I was realizing it at the time) that they would USE ANY information about me against me later. I thought that by revealing certain things about stuff that had happened to me that I was "bonding" with them. Little did I know that all that information was going to be used to manipulate and control me at a later time. I just stopped revealing that stuff....so the depth of their ability to throw it in my face was diminished. The DYNAMIC of that betrayal didn't change because they could use anything that I did or said and twist it into their truth. The only way to deal with these people is to stay as far away from them as possible. neveragain.
Jul 7 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

gaslighting

Ohhh, that is so true neveragain. I always wondered why my ex would tell me that I need to open up more, share more. He actually sat me down one time and had a sheet of paper on it with things he wanted to say. It was a 'serious conversation moment'. heh I was trying to be understanding that he needed to talk, but mostly, I felt kind of like a deer in the headlights. Most of the talk was about how I need to be more open (errr, I am pretty open??), and that if I don't start sharing more, he's going to feel the need to close up as well. (threat!!) He knew I was pretty private person, and he expoited that fact. He made it look like I didn't share with him AT ALL, but I shared with him the same normal stuff as with other guys - they never seemed to have an issue with it. What's funny is that there are a few things I did not share...there was something in the back of my head waving red flags even then. Of course, he would always relive MY mistakes in the past, so I was fearful of sharing more...how ironic, huh?! But of course I could never say, "I'm afraid to share because you will use it against me". That would have been met with either a severe tongue lashing, or days of the silent treatment. It's a lose/lose situation with these guys!
Jul 7 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
cherlynn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Guilt

I am currently going through guilt right now, analyzing all the things in the relationship that I could have done better. He interrogated me and basically learned my innermost deepest secrets in the short five months we were together. I trusted him. I promised myself before I met him, that I would never discuss the things that he was insistent on knowing, but I trusted his "false self" wholeheartedly, there were no signs that he would eventually treat me like the dirt on his shoe. I feel so violated in the worse way, he used the information in arguments to say things like, I am dating someone who acted like a "whore,"...I dont want to be with someone who acted like that in the past....you havent changed, you dont regret your past and so forth..he despised that i would never admit to regretting my past. He would also pout when I didt tell him what he expected to hear...get quite and glare at me. He took something from me, something i cannot possibly CHANGE about myself (my past) and made me feel like a complete worthless being..I look back and wonder if I had withheld this information would things be different for me now? I am holding all of this this inside, trying to remember not to beat myself up (its hard) and i just feel like noone gets this feeling when N destroys your heart, its extremely painful and I can only imagine what you ladies went through that spent years in these relationships. A very good friend of mine described it to me in this way, he was like a volcano, building anger and a 'case' against you, when he is finished bringing you to your very low and using you he erupts, leavinng you at the bottom of the volcanic eruption with a scortched heart and no closure. I went to my doctor today for some antidepressents, just when I think I am healing I wake up the next day empty and in tears. I think i have cried tears for three weeks straight. Worse part is, I still miss him and think about him constantly, what if I contact him? (I wont contact) What if I showed up at his house? I just want to hear his voice... what is wrong with me? Who does this? Who thinks these things when you are burned in the worst possible way?
Jul 7 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cherlynn, et al.

You are experiencing traumatic bonding: http://www.enotalone.com/article/4291.html http://ptsdme.blogspot.com/2005/12/more-on-betrayal-bonds-aka-trauma.html http://www.helpstartshere.org/Default.aspx?PageID=1218 Are you in therapy? If not find one ASAP. This is a part of serious PTSD. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Oct 9 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

guilt and blame

Yes thats me. My head whizzes after reading this article. This is what has kept me stuck. You see i hadn't seen my family for 10 years. My ex knew this. He came into my life knowing that I was isolated. He told me that he had feeling for me from years ago. He said he had asked about me. Made me feel special. He kept bringing up my past and saying i never thought you were insane or a liar. If your family know that i am with you now then they will know that you are ok as a person and loved. You can have my family. He kept trying to get me to talk about me and my issues and told me why i behaved how i did and to bring the walls down. I did all that. Then he left. I have been feeling guilty for my behaviour sometimes acting out thinking that he was a solid man and could take it. Really in the end i was just acting out his feelings for him too. So now he's gone i feel like i am the mad one for my behaviour. I refuse to believe he's evil or did any of this on purpose... it had to be me. The way I see it is that no one would know all about your life and commit just to leave on a whim so it must've been bad for him to go. It is hard to get my head round that cos to believe that yes he can and he set me up is such a callous thing to do that it's surreal. It doesn't make sense to me. And I don't believe I have PTSD or stockholm syndrome from him.