Other people just dont understand....

19 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 15 - 11AM

bakingfortherapy

Other people just dont understand....

I am NC for almost 3 months!!! It has been hard for me to get here. I was 8 1/2 blissful relationship. 2 1/2 yrs of hell with the OW and him going back and forth. I always say I was like a daisy "I love you/ I love you not" I wanted so badly for things to work out after spending so many yrs wiht him that were great but his true colors came out in these last years and the sheer selfishness and cruelty in the lies and dramas...

well, let just say I barely, barely, made it through!

Is there a ratio of time to get past this kind of traumatic breakup with such a twisted individual? I am doing the best I can with NC and was very clear the last time we talked that I was never going to be supply again.

A problem is that my life was/is very intertwined with his.
I see his children I helped raise around town and still have very friendly relationships with them. I see his friends and its the same way...we all hung out for years! 2 of my girlfriends still date his friends. We go to some of the same places,restaurants bars etc....( I do try to go in neighboring cities)

I hold my head high and deal with the situations as they arise and keep NC. I am trying very hard to not mention N or OW in my daily conversation bc they come up, memories come up, examples of relationship issues come up....

A couple of my girlfriends dont get it. Its not like a normal breakup. And even if it was, I have known this man for over a decade.

I just saw Ns sister in a store and tried to avoid her but she still happened to bump into me. I took the high road with grace and poise and was diplomatic throughout the conversation. I then talked to a gf and told her i deserved a gold star for being kind and not reminding Ns sister how her N brother is such a scum....My friend told me I need to get over it. She said I need a shamen to clear my aura. She was the very next person I talked to...

I get how these people want the best for me. And believe me ..I am doing my best! But my soul mate tuned into the devil and decided to torture me for a couple years for his own selfish reasons...

UGH!!!

#2 Jul 19 - 7AM

fooled no longer

betrayal

yes I also had those friends who said get over it. Get over nearly a decade of being lied to and manipulated. I realised these selfish friends just liked the drama of the breakup! it made them self-satisfied. They wanted to seem like they cared, but in reality they were just trying to look good by comparing my situation to theirs. Even in the good times they were only there when the party gave them something. It hurts like hell. Its like pouring acid onto your naked heart when friends and even family betray you, But they have taught me that I need to be more careful who I hand my heart to on a plate. So onward and upward and I love this post and everyone that posted here. you are my Heros!! Like we said, drop them like they are hot.

#3 Jul 18 - 11PM

Steph

I am so sorry that happened:(

I am so sorry that happened:( What we go through with the N is aweful enough......and then when friends don't understand it or tell us to "get over it".....it just amplifies the pain and craziness we already feel! Unfortunately, unless someone experiences this....they just TRULEY do NOT get it. Having said that.....I don't think someone needs to have experienced the same things as you in order to be at least supportive in the sense of not placing judgement on you. I guess, try explaining to her how that comment affects you.....and if that doesn't work.....then you need to decide if hanging around with her is worth it for you. You have spent enough of your time explaining yourself to the N.....explaining yourself to even yourself lol.....you sure as hell should NOT have to spend any time explaining yourself and your feelings to a friend. Whatever happens, you are not alone. We all DO get it here:) xoxo, Steph

#4 Jul 18 - 1PM

prettypeeved

The problem is, unless other

The problem is, unless other people have suffered at the torment of a narc psycho, they have NO IDEA what it's like. It can be infuriating. The narc puts his mask on, and everyone sees the surface, but not what's underneath. If you try to warn them, it looks like you're the crazy one, or that it's sour grapes, or if nothing else it just becomes yet another way to manipulate you for the narc. You just have to keep your head held high.

#5 Jul 18 - 8AM

Puzzle

I think you need to tell your

I think you need to tell your friend that how would she feel if she was in your situation. Ask her how she would feel? I bet you she hasn't even bothered to put herself in your position. Maybe if she sees things from your perspective she will realise that it isn't such an easy thing to get over. None of us would tell our friends this, so really is she being a good friend. You need people who understand you right now, or at least people who try. I went to Sydney to see a friend, I told her about my relationship with the N and she was mortified and sincerely expressed her concern, and that she didn't realise how bad things were. Other friends have really been awful and said the same as your friend. I have not relied on those friends or given them my friendship in return. I have one friend who's wedding I am in and she hasn't even asked me if I am ok in months. People suck. You my friend are a dignified person and really your friends should realise you deserve so much better and should encourage you to talk. I say stop focusing your energy on them and see how they feel. A bit bitter too from my friends not being very supportive so I know how you feel. Don't go running next time she needs you.

#6 Jul 18 - 5AM

Used

baking fortherapy

this *friend* is not a friend....friends are suppose to be there for you...even if they have heard it all before...the one,s who say things like this are only in it for themselves.....i dropped a few people after narc ,when i relized THEY LIKED THE DRAMA WHEN I WAS STILL WITH HIM....but once i finished with him...they had no interest in the aftermath...one even going and talking to him...i was done with them...they have all come back and apoligised..2 of them b/c they are now in abusive r/s and want a shoulder to cry on...i told them NO NOT INTERESTED ...friends are friends are friends...suppose to be there for bad times not just the good...one thing i have to thank narc for...lol...he certainly made me see people diffrently...i hope you don't bother with this *friend* any more....good luckxx

#7 Jul 18 - 8AM (Reply to #14)

Deidre40

used, this is such a good

used, this is such a good post. I have been through the same. Perhaps the hardest thing for me after the breakup, was discovering (not right away)...that our mutual friends were not friends at all. I now see people for who they are, not what I hope they can turn into. It's important to forgive, but important to not make excuses for people, too. I agree with you as well. They liked the drama my relationship with narc was all about. They liked him bashing me on FB (maybe like is the wrong word) because it gave them something to do...entertainment. But, when I stopped judging them, and started seeing them differently...trying to see them as broken and lost without God, they way we all are...I started healing. I can honestly say. I'm nearly healed with those toxic folks outta my life. I think they dragged me down. It feels good to only have people in my life who care about me. bakingfortherapy--you may have to kick out of your life some of these supposed friends. the process you are going through takes time. 8 years is huge, and it will take time. so be patient and kind with yourself. good for you for holding your head high! i'd try to avoid these people...not so much so that it causes anxiety, but it helps healing, when we remove people who sing the narc's praises...take care, and keep up the good fight.

#8 Jul 18 - 5AM

Sparrow

friends advice

Your friends advice BLOWS!!!!!! Plus, hate to say it..........she is not a friend. Friends do not discard another friends feelings this way. It is unfortunate for you to hear, but it is the truth. Sounds to me like you are in the same "spot" that I was a short time ago. I dumped my so called friends that had that attitude towards me. Actually, should have done it a long long time ago. Once I really sat back and evaluated the true definition of friendship and my list of friends that I always felt so "lucky" and "fortunate" to have........I unloaded the ones that made me feel negative about myself, berated me, wasn't there for me when I honestly needed them.........my therapist told me they weren't true friends and I didn't believe him at the time. They weren't, they were my "best" of friends when I was the good time girl, party girl, vacation girl, but when the chips were down.......hell, I had 2 best friends that never lifted a finger to help me pack up my huge home, wouldn't even come sit at my kitchen table and keep me company while I wrapped glassware. After telling them how unbearable it was to do this completely alone every day. BUT, they were able to show up to my home to purchase the contents of my house! AMAZING! Isn't it? So, with that said, I feel your pain, your feelings of frustration. But from where I am sitting, they aren't your friends. I have other friends that are kind, caring, understanding friends that love me unconditionally. They are the ones that I am keeping! I have read that some friends just aren't going to be there emotionally for one reason or another and we shouldn't get upset with them because they are just not capable of being there in that capacity and we should not judge them or hold them accountable. BULLSHIT! I don't believe everything I read! These people don't want whats "best" for you. They want whats "best" for THEM. And you know what that is? It's for you to stop bothering them with your personally tragedies. Screw them, drop em like their hot. Just saying..........

#9 Jul 18 - 4AM

agnesmurphy17

Get Over it?

OK. A woman is in a happy relationship for 8 years. Then the last 2 the man is running around with another woman. Finally, the woman leaves after pouring her heart & soul into winning her man back. Three (3) months after leaving her friend says: "Get over it!." Excuse me? Get over 10 years of my life in 3 months? Seems to me that your "friend" is a highly superficial woman if she could "get over" a decade of her life in less than three months. Doen't seem to have much if any feeling or attachment. Certainly little or no empathy. In fact, your "friend" is bored with your story because it doesn't interest her. I don't think she's your "friend." She may be an acquaintance. But she's really not that interested in you. Get over this non-friend & move on to people who do care about you.

#10 Jul 17 - 11PM

ordinarycourage

coparenting

Sorry I didn't see your comment earlier... It was only when I was finally officially a "single mom" that I realized I had really been one all through my marriage. My ex was always busy with something and didn't really spend much time with us as a family. I have had to deal with his constant lateness, cancelled visits and inability to do laundry or even have milk and food at his house for our children. He is definitely a restaurant/Disney dad. He treats me with little respect, sort of an invisible nanny. I know the truth and my daughters know that they can rely on me to be there for them. I keep hoping he'll see what he's missing and really make a connection with them.

#11 Jul 15 - 3PM

gettinbetter

I'm curious about something.

I'm curious about something. Looking back did this guy really never show signs until the last 2 years? Cause usually these guys can't hold it together that long. I'm just curious because my previous relationshi with the psycho was 5 years first kiss to the last and it was riddled in drama. It wasn't 24/7 but you could be sure atleast every couple of weeks there was going to be a blow up

#12 Jul 15 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

bakingfortherapy

Well...

People say ( my therapist, which we both saw, all of our friends ) say that our relationship worked fir him at the time. It's a long story, but he was getting what he wanted in those yrs. I'm sure there were some signs but ??? People say he was on good behavior.....

#13 Jul 15 - 2PM

enpsychopedia r... (not verified)

You need your aura

You need your aura cleared...yep right. After someone has stolen your soul, you need your aura cleared. What you need is a shaman who does soul retrieval with a baseball bat. People don't understand how the moral issues inform the spiritual dimension here. It's a battle for souls and the trickster narc is trying to win souls for the other side through a process of total demoralization and shock. I so understand. You should hear some of the gems I've been exposed to. Fortunately very few people know what happened. Most who do, do understand, though, so I am super lucky!

#14 Jul 15 - 11AM

Joy2me

Most don't understand

I don't believe anyone understands what it is like to break up with a npd person. Unless you have been there, they just don't know and sometimes it is hard to describe what has happened. The NPD did a good job at pretending to be a good guy and we unknowingly helped that persona because we took in so much without complaining (at least at first). So it is a no wonder people sometimes think it is us that are the crazy ones. My family had a hard time seeing my ex-husband in any other way than as caring and helpful spouse. He showed them only that side of him for over 10 years. When I first started telling them all that he would do and that he had been doing it for years they had a hard time. It wasn't until he physically attacked me that they saw him without his mask. Healing can be just as lonely as the relationship was, thank goodness for sites like this. Keep up the NC, I have been NC since November 2010. It was very hard at first, it is still hard somedays but the desire to talk to him has changed. I miss talking to him, but I don't long for it, so shaking it off has become easier. These days when I see his number on my caller ID, or see that he has come over to my house while I am away... it just gives me a bad stomache.

#15 Jul 15 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

bakingfortherapy

joy...

funny you mention the bad stomach..when I was ( foolishly) spending a little time with N early this year ... (I guess I was still weak, mb still hoping he was different) Every time I saw him I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew I couldnt trust him or anything he said. So what was the point??

#16 Jul 15 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

ordinarycourage

Trust your gut

I learned in therapy that if you are feeling things in your stomach, it is about your power being threatened. I still get this knot in my stomach whenever I have to text or email my exN because we are "co-parenting". By the way, "co-parenting" means I do all the work associated with raising the children and he picks them up for his time, either to ignore them while they're at his house or take them out to dinner/on trips. There is no normal there....

#17 Jul 15 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

wiserwoman

more on the coparenting...

I would like to hear more about your experiences with the co-parenting. I think I need to hear right now that what I am going through is very similar to everyone else. He never picks up on time, changes plans at the last minute. Doesn't acknowledge that I have a job and do EVERYTHING related to child care (organise child care, pay for child care, pick up/drop off, look after kids any time I'm not working (I'm a part-time teacher), buy their clothes/medication, shall I go on???). He pays me $27 dollars a week!! And yet, his job comes first. He always comes first! My only consolation is that one day the kids will realise everything I've done for them and that all Dad ever did was play with them (and let them do whatever they want). Tell me your story and how you cope....(please!)

#18 Jul 15 - 11AM

ordinarycourage

Breakups with N's

I'm sorry you are being told to "just get over it"...wouldn't that make us more like the N that we are able to just flip a switch and feel fine. I have observed women go through breakups/divorces with "normal" people and, not to downplay their feelings, but they do seem to have an easier time of it because they don't have to deal with the cognitive dissonance. I love your username, by the way. I do what I call "stress baking"!

#19 Jul 15 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

bakingfortherapy

ordinary courage..

I love your name too.. but you actually have EXtraoridnary courage with these cruel people!! That is my name bc during the worst of the game playing... ....he kept breaking up or lying and saying he was breaking up with psycho OW..all while we were supposedly mending things and going to counseling...I truly think he wanted both of us..but we dont live in Utah ( but thats another story).. but throughout the worst of it all I could do was bake..I have always baked alot, for clients, for my stepchildren.. but then I started going crazy.... It was my instant gratification release..I could always freeze things or bring into work... :)

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews