OneDayAtATime's Story

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#1 Nov 24 - 9AM
OneDayAtATime
OneDayAtATime's picture

OneDayAtATime's Story

Phew... here goes I need to speak out loud so that I hear myself in the hope that what I read and type sinks in and somehow helps me in my bid for NC from my N... Im taking life one day at a time at the moment as im still hurt and in love with someone who inspite of telling me he loves me madly and is entertaining a future for us of some form manages to hurt me in such small ways to him but massive to me.. I guess from what I have read im in the process of D&D (for those like me that didint know what it meant its apparently being devalued and discarded) My relationship with this "man" has a 2 year history we live in seperate countries and in spite of agreeing to do our own thing when apart he has somehow managed to keep me holding on and not really interested in anyone else whilst he does his thing! I dont think im ready to acknowledge to anyone else the patheticness of my behaviour including unprotected sex when ever he comes and goes in my life, acceptance of being ignored and then grateful if he calls after a couple of months, telling him my inner most feelings and hurt only to be rejected and ignored for a few weeks because he is busy, knowing and accepting his relationships with other women and accepting his word that I am different from them, no gifts or real attention on days like birthdays, xmas, valentines day.. sigh .. im not a stupid woman I have my own business and am very confident and believe myself to have a high self esteem and dont find getting a date a problem so why oh why am I where I am??? The reason for joining this site and speaking out right now is because we are actually in the same country at the moment (I supplied the ticket months ago!!) for me it was my way of understanding exactly where we are going as there is another woman who finances a lot of his activity and I wanted to know if taking this step would enlighen me on his intentions.. nope about a month ago after a couple of heated emails from me he has gone into silent mode (the most abusive treatment for me as I crave his contact) I have deleted contact on line (the usual messenger services) and have made no attempt to contact him since he arrived a few days ago but knowing he is less than an hour away from me after normally being 4000 miles away is hard.. its a few days into his month long trip and my heart jumps/hurts at every text or call on my phone as it could be him and although I know we have no future left now (I deserve so much more) I desperately need him to show it was not all fake somehow!! Please God dont let him contact me and let this be the end of the dark nights alone wondering why I feel so awful, the rejection of perfectly nice guys who might make me happy, and the enforced isolation of loving someone who doesnt know how to love..... each day I think of him or have any urge to contact him I log straight into this site and read one of your stories and it gives me strength.. hope by writing this someone else might benefit that by knowing you are not weak, mad or inferior you just have a heart big enough to love someone who does not deserve it

Nov 25 - 9AM
EiPuff (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

omg

I was hurting so bad that he was gone & read your post and it all happened to me and the very IDEA that that lowlife DEVALUED AND DISCARDED me makes me want to exact some sort of revenge. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for turning my tears into rightous indignation - it's what I needed to get through my day. I hope karma gives these creeps exactly what they deserve.
Nov 25 - 9AM
EiPuff (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

not that person

I, too, do not recognize myself. I was told on Monday that he just wants to be friends - which I assume is narc speak for "still be in touch with me, listen to my problems, meet and have sex with me but don't expect anything in return, especially a Christmas gift". I'm hurting today badly - didn't hear from him Tuesday and Wednesday early in the am he texted some inane bs about the Macy's parade and I didn't respond. No contact yesterday or today so far and it's starting to hit me that he doesn't want me anymore. I worked very hard to quash the strong impulse to reach out and make any type of contact but realized there will be no reassurance from him - also realize I should be grateful that the narcissist who has been destroying my soul walked away from me. If he DID stick with me through Christmas, it still would have been horrible with him doing nothing for me at all. Maybe this way if I let myself heal over the next 4 weeks, I have a shot at being over the pain somewhat with a hope of feeling at least a little happy for this Christmas. He ruined the last 2. Seeing a therapist next Thursday that specializes in Schema Therapy for people in relationships with narcissists. I'm feeling optimistic that she will help me - the one i'm seeing now just listens to me for an hour and offers no assistance, suggestions or tools to get me out of this. Thanks for posting.
Nov 25 - 9AM
spinning
spinning's picture

One Day, I cannot tell you

how many times I wrote in my writing book "Please Please Please let me be DONE with this..." just as you have written above. It is a gut-wrenching war within; but writing it out, reiterating to yourself even if it is in a prayer-like fashion, does help! Acknowledging the feelings and getting them out is part of the process and I am glad you are doing that. Working the steps pays off, ODAAT. I'm 12 months out and never ever thought I'd get here. I like my life and more importantly, I like myself again. This unfortunate and dreadful experience has brought me lessons that I needed to confront and I am now, believe it or not, almost grateful that the sick freak tried to take me down. I learned that he couldn't; and I have learned so much that something similiar will NEVER EVER happen to me again. This is the one and only "gift" he gave me in the six years of hell I endured. These freaks do damage on a soul level. You are aware of this and know what it is. I am proud of you for thinking enough of yourself to stop the cycle. We will help you. Thank you for sharing and stay strong. YOu can do it...One Day At A Time. Thank you for sharing. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE MYSELF!

spinning

Nov 25 - 9AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

This is right ODAAT

He does not deserve your love, you have this straight. PD's just do not know how to love and unfortuantely he is NEVER going to show you that he was not fake because they wear a mask. This hurts so much in the beginning and takes time to sort out in your mind and heart. Keep reading and posting and in time you will make some sense out of what just hit you. I am glad that the site is helping you to face and deal with all that you have gone through. Together we can do what we cannot do alone. xoxoxo, God bless, Goldie