THE ONE THAT CHANGED MY LIFE! I wrote this not yet knowing about 'Narcissists.''

I am married and a mother of two children.
mY children are 11 and 12. They are academically accomplished and play elite level football (soccer) and athletics.
My son has recently gained National level representation in Soccer and my daughter the same in Athletics. She is also the ONLY girl playing the elite level of boys soccer in her age group in the state.
Her coach was very dedicated and had an obvious interest and seemingly caring attitude toward my daughter. He communicated regularly about her progress/performance and we became friends through our mutual love of sport, kids etc. (I am a Phys Ed teacher.) I will call him “M” for reference in this transcript.
M asked me if i could possibly help him with his coaching resume. This was no problem for me as i was experienced with this and have always helped people. (probably too much)
I would always be the parent who would take both of our kids to training each week. (220km round trip) I was always on my own, reading a book in the car at training.
One evening he came and sat in my car with me and at some point held my hand. I did not see this coming but it was like a bolt of electricity.
Everyday after that i was msg’d from him (up to 100 txts a day) Admittedly i responded. We talked about everything and everything.
My feelings started to develop or change over this period. I was distressed and very confused. I told my husband this. I also told M this.
I stayed away from training etc but he still sent me txts over the holiday period (xmas & birthday) and I was a mess. He told me he loved me and that ‘nothing meant anything to him anymore if i wasn’t a part of his life.’
I told my husband i had strong feelings for M which was very confronting and hurtful. He was extremely hurt but supportive as he believed there was no point being vindisctive or nasty as it wouldn’t change my feelings at all.
I told M that i had told my husband and he knew that he wasn’t going to pursue him with anger because he was supporting ME. I told M that i was in love with him and that I had never felt as strongly about a person before in my life. Honest truth to both men.
He msg me every day and we met up. He declared his undying love for me. I sat him down told him how messy it would all be, told him to tell his wife the things he thought he could get from me...to tlk to her about what it was he was needing...told him the gravity of the situation, how it would affect the kids, extended family etc.
He responded by assuring me he was ‘a big boy’ who knew what he was doing and he was quite annoyed that i was questioning his motives...he also told me not to lecture him as ‘he wasn’t one of my little boys that i teach!’
I felt I was being realistic but then i thought maybe I was being nagging??? I doubted myself.
He asked me to tee up things with my family which i did...i tlked to my mum, my kids, my husband, all very upsetting and confronting for them and myself. He told me he had to approach things his own way as he thought his wife wldn’t be understanding and would stop him from coaching his son etc. He didn’t tell his family a thing.
He moved out of his home and into his brother’s house...he met with me 3 times. He told me he wld need me more than ever, but he knew from the beginning that i could never leave my children...i was prepared to give everything else up for him but not my kids. He even asked me if i cld help him financially?
The last time he visited me he told me his wife had written him a letter. He said it was an appeal from her telling him all the things she wld change/ do etc...i said i didn’t want to read that as it wasn’t my business. I also said that by him leaving without being transparent, she now thought it was her fault and by deceiving her, was being so disrespectful and a false picture for her. I was very distressed. Then he suddenly says (IMMEDIATELY after being intimate with me btw) 'I think i’ll go back home.' I felt physically sick. Then he says...or maybe we shld do more in public....and i’m like YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR FAMILY FOR THAT TO HAPPEN!!! He then seemed to have this inner rage....just seething like he had snapped. Then he was all over me assured me he loved me cldn’t live without me and then the next day txts me and says ‘seeya.’
THERE IS MORE: ......
After rereading the last transcript from a counsellor I was seeing, where her response to my story was: ‘Obviously M lost his courage, his nerve, he wasn't honest as you had been. That is all. We all make mistakes Belinda and that makes us human.’ This statement from the counsellor made me very angry..... I don’t think he unwittingly made a mistake. For someone to show no compassion, fail to tell me this change of mind in person and send it by txt and to then tell me not to ‘make it any harder’ for him by asking him certain things so I could perhaps come to some kind of resolution in my own head is not what I would describe as acceptable human behaviour. There is such a thing as a deplorable human behaviour too I think. I think a proportion of it was calculated and selfish and I will reveal some more details which are actually very hard for me to recount.
I questioned his and therefore our decisions every step of the way; told him it would be messy, confronting etc and even listed a very real set of consequences. Still he proclaimed he was prepared for these. I also tried to extract myself from the relationship on at least 4 occasions but he would be so distraught, crying, or stony silences or talk of him not being able to cope (inferred suicide)that I re-established connection again and again. If you knew his public persona to think he would cry for his own way would be unimaginable.
Told him on at least three separate occasions that I felt I wouldn’t be enough for him, as I thought he really didn’t want to give up anything for us at all. Still he denied this and somehow turned it around to make me feel like I was paranoid or manic or the like??? Can’t work out how I allowed myself to feel this and believe his words over my instinct.
I believe he has acted very irresponsibly and he should not have pretended to be like minded or have the same character as me. In saying that, he has now assassinated my character in order to save himself. He never defended what he said we had and he trivialised and cheapened it all by lying and denying to his wife and kids. I feel very bad about myself even tho I know supposedly nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission. But the fact is I DO!!!
I rang him last week to tell him that I was taking full responsibility at home for my family’s hurt as I don’t want my kids growing up hating and blaming. I think there is too much blaming today and that people are looking for an easy way out of troublesome situations. His tone was venomous and he said I had ‘no idea’ how things were for him. He is angry because his children have sided with their mother but I don’t believe this is my fault i believe this is because one, he lied to them all, and two, because she decided to use them as ammunition against him. I didn’t even bother to tell him how I was. I have been in hospital as I was rapidly losing weight and then contracted Golden Staff. I could tell by his tone he wouldn’t care if i was dead. He also said ‘just move on’ not dissimilar to the tone you would use for ‘it’s only a glass of spilled milk.’
My daughter has left all her teammates behind and joined a new team full of unknown boys. She is resilient but this was an upheaval. She also trusted and respected him and she and my son simply don’t understand why he didn’t defend the truth through any of this. My son cannot play at certain games as his anxiety at the possibility of crossing paths with him is that bad that he can’t concentrate on playing properly. He broke their trust as well and they looked up to him as a coach, mentor and friend. However I brought this problem into MY family so it is my responsibility to address this.
I could have had him sacked and I could have sent the msgs to his wife to paint the real picture but the fact is he never cared and I don’t think I have a right to force the truth upon her. It is her decision to remain in denial if she so desires. Plus the guilt of revenge would undo me further I think. I keep thinking that he has to look at himself in the mirror everyday but you know by the tone in his voice I don’t think he thinks he has played any role in this at all. All the blame has been transferred solely on to me.
The constant push me, pull you has seen me question everything. At one point he said he wanted us to go out for breakfast in public together. (This was half way between where he lives and where I am currently) I asked him would you do that with me in your home town?? Also I thought I would need to tell my husband that because I wouldn’t want to chance someone from our small home town seeing us together and him being told or talked about behind his back before he heard it from me. He was angry with me because I wouldn’t do this and it was then I really felt like I was ‘hoop jumping’ so to speak. It was never going to end.
Also at some point he told me he was unwell. He was going to the doctor to be checked and he told me that when he was younger (as in 20yrs ago) he slept with someone and contracted an STD and even tho he was treated he had been feeling unwell of late and just wanted to have everything checked. At the time I told him i would never judge his past. I could only go from now onward. I have never in my life trusted or let someone know me fully up until being with him. I can now see he just wanted to have unprotected sex with me. Then he told me he would love it if I was pregnant, (after the fact that is)....this added to my anxiety three fold. I think his perspective was warped yet I was so emotionally buried I couldn’t see clearly. Now I feel this was very calculating on his behalf and I feel gutted by this. My husband knows all of these details which is also very confronting.
The last thing is that my feelings were real and the physical attraction between us was intense. I lost a friendship (albeit an illusion) and I miss him whoever he was. Plus he knows me intimately which makes me feel physical sick. I get hot and anxious when I think about that, almost like trauma?? I also get anxious at soccer fields which is really hard seeing as I am at one 8 times per week. The memories from there are painful. I want to give up but taking my son’s dream away from him which he has earned through sheer determination and hard work is something i can’t allow myself to do. But I am very low and yep I have no self confidence or self worth at the moment. I can’t see where I belong anymore and nothing seems to have a point. I don’t understand how people can be that selfish, insular and irresponsible, and using the excuse that we are all human and make mistakes is not cutting it with me. I can’t comprehend someone could do this to make themselves feel good at the expense of someone else’s well being and sanity. I even told him that I was worried about my mental health as things that I had previously loved had started becoming meaningless to me. I teach this to teenagers i could at least recognise the signs in myself. He still continued to declare me the love of his life. Scary it is for me that I made such an error in judgement and my feelings were and still are so strong for me to turn into a ‘non comprehendus’ fool. I can feel that I am isolating myself more and more each day instead of getting better. People say it will get better with time but for me I don’t feel like I have a heart or soul anymore. I gave it all to him. I cannot hate him...just can’t, probably don’t like him an awful lot but still love him unfortunately.