OMG, I lied I have to get it out

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#1 Mar 22 - 7PM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

OMG, I lied I have to get it out

Its KILLING ME KILLING ME that he has not tried to find a way to reach me to see if I am at least ok. There I SAID IT, I am sorry. I want him to drive here and try to contact me and say, what happened, where have you been why did you change your number I have been worried about you.

Even in my recovery I am creating an illusion about the sick bastard, what is wrong with me?? I cant seem to find a way to quit fantasizing about what I WANT this man to be and what he will NEVER be, and I think that is much of what is causing me so much grief I AM DOING THIS TO MYSELF. Furthermore I also got my little monthly curse (no not HIM) my period and that is why I am even worse this past week.
Having my period also triggers some crazy making he did to me, whenever I would question him or get upset with him he would say, ARE YOU ON THE RAG? No asshole you just asked me that last week, I am not on the rag 30 days a month, he would say call me when you are over your hormonal surges you cant seem to control. In other words call me when you behave like I want you to.

See how we create in our minds an illusion of what we WANT them to be from the above example and what I am experiencing with NC. On the way to work a certain song will come on the radio about love and I listen to the song and I think of him, today I turned it off and said what in the hell are you doing, there was no love you idiot in this relationship so quit thinking of him when ever you hear a beautiful song on the radio, you are living in an illusion again STOP IT, now if the exorcisim song came on from the movie that would be living in reality as I was dealing with the devil himself that wanted to take my soul. I listen to love songs and want a psychopath to stalk me - am I NUTS? NOT HEALTHY CHOICES for the mind to be thinking.

This is how my frame of mind should be thinking and it pertains to ALL of us: Thank GOD this psychopath wasnt into killing like some are, (the minority but it could have been any one of us) he is dangerous, disturbed, and I pray he NEVER tries to contact me again, I pray he will let me go and release me and move on to other victims for supply (and may God help those victims) I pray I can one day recover from being in the clutches of such a disordered man. THat is how we should be thinking. THat illusion is a powerful thing ladies, so powerful that we can even cause our own pain staying stuck with thoughts that are quite frankly just plain insane. We even create this fantasy thinking when it comes to the other women they are living with, we do it all the time, we post about it, we cry about it, we feel they were better than us and they choose them over us. Like Sandra Brown says, ladies ladies ladies quit this fantasy thinking, those are her exact words. I will stop right there, quit this fantasy thinking of what I am making him out to be in my mind, If he ever did try to drive here and make contact with me he would not greet me with a dozen roses and charm, he would probably have a rope in his truck to hog tie me and teach me a lesson. Ok I am back down to reality now, I am IN THE PRESENT, and my tinted glasses are off.

As God is my witness I will never never go through anything of this caliber again, this has been a fricking nightmare in my life --- I just want it to be over with

Mar 23 - 1PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Letting go of the nice guy

Letting go of the nice guy they could be is the hardest thing because it was so real to us .Right up to a few months ago i would have thoughts of him knocking at my door and i would open it and we would fall into each others arms and hug and this thought would set me off crying big time .. but like all the feelings they go in time , now if he came knocking at my door he would get a "fu*k off " from me .. Mine has tryed to hover and make contact but none of them where grand jestures of remorse they where "how are you " kind of things or in the summer he wanted to do work on my boat , none of the hovers where on an emotional leavel ... he would expect the emotional stuff to come from me so when he was an asehole again he could say "you came back to me , i never wanted to get back togther " after going back six times i cottoned on to this so this 16 months of nc i didnt give him an inch ... it was almost like him saying in theses hovers "i am here you may imbrace the king " lol not this time darling !xx
Mar 23 - 3PM (Reply to #13)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

SCOOP

I laughed at your comments, we have been through a lot we are some of the old timers on the board.I sent the man a card after finding out he had the two cancers and all I got back was another nasty letter, telling me ' he did not have the energy or desire to deal with me anymore', I was being dismissed by his lordship after 15 years ,he is getting what he deserves and I never wish anyone badly, but what an asshole!!
Mar 23 - 3PM (Reply to #14)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Yep a complete wank . When

Yep a complete wank . When some one is dieing you would like to think they could exorsise some demonds but the narc will go to his death holding on to his delousions .. its so sad .. and i just cant imagin how that makes you feel .I dont know what to say except he is disordered , mentaly ill , its almost like the worst d&d ever because when he dies there is no hope of a sorry . not that a sorry is ever there with a narc but us normal people we cling on to "wheres there live there is hope " ... toxsic hope i guess but we all have it how ever small it becomes , its what makes us human and keep faith . Ill pray for you tonight and hope that the universe can give you some peace . xx
Mar 23 - 4PM (Reply to #15)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

thanks Scoop

I pray to the universe just to see him one last time with my eyes wide OPEN, I only live an hour from him, don't worry I will not show up on his doorstep, but I may call his son soon just to see how he is doing, I have come to realize closure will never happen except in my mind.......
Mar 23 - 12PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

I've been in the same place

I've been in the same place myself, and I'll be honest - I still get a tiny thrill if he tries to hoover. But the thrill is getting smaller and smaller over time. It DOES get better, you DO break free. It just takes time.
Mar 23 - 10AM
TLSM
TLSM's picture

Twilight Zone

Your post...It's as if I wrote it myself. Every single word! The wishing, the idealizing, the fantasizing the reality...IT'S ALL A NIGHTMARE. I even fantasize that I will wake up and he is next to me convincing me it was all a bad dream and that everything is ok! Believe me...when my ex N hoovers - with flowers, promises, depositing $ in my bank (so sick)a promise of an engagement ring...It's all nice at first. But in one swoop, HE TAKES IT ALL AWAY FROM ME and goes back to a young girl he doesn't even care about - who he ripped into and said horrible things about! Which convinces me he is talking shit about me. Anyways, the hoovering ends up being TORTURE! These guys are bastards. The longer we don't hear from them, WHICH MAY HURT LIKE HELL...The faster we can recover. Even though we may secretly wish them to hoover - maybe so we can burn them back??? That was my fantasy and it never worked out that way!LOL Let's REALLY hope they don't hoover!!! These guys are POISON and CANCEROUS TUMORS!!! Much love and support to you!!! xoxo
Mar 23 - 5AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

I know

for a long time I dwelt on the good and use to bring out a list of the pros and cons of the man and the relationship, that is the hardest obstacle to overcome, that we meant not a damn thing to these men, but I tell myself it was not about Me, none of the 5 women in his life, meant anything to the man and as for his mother, she ruined him in some shape and form so it is more about what she did to the man to make him such a scared little boy in the guise of a grown man. I sent him a Easter card to see how he was doing with his struggle against cancer, a few weeks ago and never got any letter back so i got my answer, no common human decency to even sending a postcard saying thanks for thinking of me ,nothing, he is not human, that is it and this could be said of all these men. NLB, you will get over this, but it may time some time to let it sink in we meant NOTHING.
Mar 23 - 5AM
jen79
jen79's picture

Neverlookback

Last night before I went to sleep a wave of pain overwhelmed me again out of nowhere. I went to bed and I dreamed that in the morning I will see on my block app that 4 messages were blocked. Then I stood up, searching for that app, watching what happened, 8 messages blocked last nihgt. Why am I telling you this, last night I was overwhelmed again with fantasy BS, and now I got my fix knowing he texted me. And now I feel calm again, I see what does it bring me, a half hearted interested man, that is not capable of loving me and that doesnt want to see me again anyway. That above is exactly what I dont wanna face, when I feel slipping into the fantasy. Its a coping mechanism. We dissociate from the painful reality by creating a fantasy in our mind. The minute you are faced with reality again, the fantasy disappears. I never got that mechanism until today. Its the reality that I dont want to accept, and if reality hits me again, even when I know he texted me, then I dont need to dissociate anymore into a fantasy and all is left is the damn harsh reality that this has no chance to ever work. Hugs
Mar 23 - 12AM
It'sAllAboutMeNow (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Time to rewire

I'm going through the same thing. The last week and a half have been difficult for me. I think most of us in this forum feel this way or have at one point. I actually saw my therapist today and we discussed how we become accustom to the chaos. Where someone else might say, "I'm so glad this is over and I don't have to deal with this again," we on the other hand miss it. Of course it's natural to miss them. Let's be honest here, there had to have been good times or else why stay with them at all. At some point we got so used to the chaos that it seems abnormal not to have it around. The truth is if he were to contact you, it would most likely be everything to do with his ego and nothing more. Not because you're not special but because he knows nothing past himself. I am personally trying to validate my own feelings because no one else needs to tell me that I'm worthy for me to know that. It's all about rewiring the way we think. Something I have found useful is to find a willing participant; a friend, family member or whoever you feel most comfortable with to have a dialogue with. I basically said everything I would have wanted to say to my friend and carried on a conversation as if it were him. I think it's ideal to do this with a male because they'll answer you with something closer to what another male might say. The best part about this is that he couldn't hurt me and I could say everything under the sun that I felt like saying to him with no reservations. As humans, we want to know that we mattered, stood out, and will not be forgotten. I want to believe that I left an impact on him and I believe I did but because I caught him in his web of lies and grew the cojones to put him in his place about it. Now that novacane is wearing off, I'm left missing him and it's a month later. I've noticed that as time passes, the bad things seem to fade into the background and the good take center stage. To ensure that I don't ever forget the bad things, I have tried to write them down and remember them every time I start to miss him. Sounds like a negative thing to do but in this case remembering the bad is what's going to keep me doing what's good for me. For me personally I am learning a lot about myself with this experience. I recognize that I was also part of the problem and that is because I stayed despite all my gut wrenching instincts. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt. I'm working on those areas in my life right now and I know I will come out of this a different women. The most important thing is not to be hard ourselves. It's a process to rewire the way we think but the key is to catch it when it happens. Carry on a dialogue with a friend pretending it's him, write him a letter expressing anything and everything you feel but do not send it, or maybe remind yourself of who he really was by writing down everything he did to you and reading it every time you miss him. I know it’s cliché but time does heal all wounds although, not without being proactive about it. If we just sit back and let time pass us by we will find ourselves in the same rut 6 months down the road.
Mar 22 - 11PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

neverlookback

Its KILLING ME KILLING ME that he has not tried to find a way to reach me to see if I am at least ok. There I SAID IT, I am sorry. I want him to drive here and try to contact me and say, what happened, where have you been why did you change your number I have been worried about you. AND freshly out of this kind of relationship with the trauma and shock and the intentional lack of closure the narc is denying as a control/abuse tactic... I think I'd make a ton of money betting that every woman on this board including myself had this thought... We all had these feelings...but you are beginning to process, you are not alone, we've all been were you are and you will get through it. Keep sharing, keep venting. Proud of you! Hugs!
Mar 22 - 11PM
Steph
Steph's picture

Oh my! Don't apologize! You

Oh my! Don't apologize! You wanted him to miss you, recognize what he lost, come over and fight for you. Who wouldn't want that?? Unfortunately, that shit exists only in the movies:( But even though they were acting, we weren't. We loved and we loved hard. Reality is it wasn't reciprocated. They can't, with anyone. That illusion of what we thought they were.....goes away. with time, therapy and NC. It's all part of the detox. I've heard 18 months....not sure what that is based on....but I definately believe it! Hang in there. We're all in this together:)
Mar 22 - 8PM
broken23
broken23's picture

Youre not alone. Mine never

Youre not alone. Mine never bothered to give me any kind of closure or chase me or beg me. And the problem is i wanted it so bad. I guess in my mind it may have validated that i meant something, anything to this person. But first the devaluation and then the complete disappearing act is too painful sometimes so your mind goes into not coping and making up stories...much like how we were when we were with them. The way i have come to look at it is, that God knows i am not strong enough to stand up to his "sorrys" and "excuses" thats why he never came back. I mean how many times did I let him come back and walk all over me. So even though it sucks, i am glad he never did try because I may have not been strong enough to do the right thing. Now that i am almost a year out, I think, i could tell him off and to get lost. You are right, we just have to snap out of the fantasy world we create. Their life isnt great. And the real truth it has nothing to do with our value, rather the ones we were with were such cowards, i know mine was, he couldnt even face me. He ran like a little B**** that he is!
Mar 22 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

Me too

I did not cry many tears through this crazy abandonment but tonight I feel really sad and shed a few. He appears to be happy as a clam in his new life and has never chased me even after two months NC. The only real reaction I got was when I texted him that I was doing better accepting life's changes last Dec. he texted back instantly "how are you doing?". I did not know if this meant he did not want me to let go or if he was happy I was letting go and it was a relief - it made no sense. I thought about it for 24 hours and texted back that I was pretty good (not true of course) and to call if he wanted to say hi. He never called and did not reply to the text. He only sent happy holiday texts and a mundane semi-supportive one about the weather when I was stuck traveling... I know you guys think all Narcs are evil because of their cowardly cruel behavior, but I think mine feels bad about what he did to me, not because he hurt me but because he knows right from wrong. He knows he did wrong which conflicts with his image. I do admit that I wish he would call, but I don't think it will happen for a long time. I want him to call so I don't feel like I made up the whole last ten years in my mind. I would not ever want a relationship like this again, shifting sand, never knowing where you stand or when he might disappear again...I think I would have a nervous breakdown if I tried again. I just can't handle the stress he brings. This was my first winter of not catching the flu in years and my first winter without him - mind/body connection for sure. These guys are very bad for our physical, emotional and spiritual health. With all this knowledge about the disorder, I still miss him and feel very sad that this is what all those years brought. No getting around it, its devastating on all levels. The abandonment, the disorder, the finality, the long recovery, but you guys say it gets better! So for now, I will chose to believe in hope that the longings for validation will pass
Mar 22 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
Steph
Steph's picture

Be happy he hasn't called. He

Be happy he hasn't called. He is doing you a huge favour. If he ever does and wants to know how you're doing it's only cuz he's checking to see if you are still in absolute awe of him and thinking of him. Puke. You don't need validation from someone that can't tell his ass from his elbow. You validate you. No one else.
Mar 23 - 5AM (Reply to #4)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

Be happy he hasn't called. He is doing you a huge favour.

I know that is the reality of it. I think my fantasizing about him showing up is just my way of trying to get closure and not wanting to face the rotten disordered person that he was. I read those articles Michelle, we have to retrain our mind to think and react to what they ARE, not what they trained our mind to believe they were. I think at times how truly raged he was that I pulled out without even a warning, well you know what he never gave me a warning on that fateful night and months to follow what his agenda was, he planned and calculated his evil agenda I OWE HIM NOTHING, no explanation NOTHING, he is sooo smart let him figure out why I pulled out but again he is blaming me - thats like blaming me for being a idiot for not staying and taking more abuse he is actually mad at me for not giving him the fricking sick crap he wanted me to do so he says to hell with her she is useless to me. Real great guy huh? Mad at me because I am not sick like he is that is what it comes down to and mad at himself because he failed with another victim and could not brain wash me completely. You run along now psychopath and find another impending sucker that will buy your act so you can destroy her life too. Dont stop now you have been doing this all your life I am sure you will hit the jackpot one of these days and get what you want. Sometimes I get the overall picture of his life and can just imagine his routine its really sad and pathetic when you can stand back out of the picture and see how they operate. A man on a lifes mission for power, control and the destruction of others, how admirable indeed. Such a sad sad little man.