OMG, I lied I have to get it out
OMG, I lied I have to get it out
Its KILLING ME KILLING ME that he has not tried to find a way to reach me to see if I am at least ok. There I SAID IT, I am sorry. I want him to drive here and try to contact me and say, what happened, where have you been why did you change your number I have been worried about you.
Even in my recovery I am creating an illusion about the sick bastard, what is wrong with me?? I cant seem to find a way to quit fantasizing about what I WANT this man to be and what he will NEVER be, and I think that is much of what is causing me so much grief I AM DOING THIS TO MYSELF. Furthermore I also got my little monthly curse (no not HIM) my period and that is why I am even worse this past week.
Having my period also triggers some crazy making he did to me, whenever I would question him or get upset with him he would say, ARE YOU ON THE RAG? No asshole you just asked me that last week, I am not on the rag 30 days a month, he would say call me when you are over your hormonal surges you cant seem to control. In other words call me when you behave like I want you to.
See how we create in our minds an illusion of what we WANT them to be from the above example and what I am experiencing with NC. On the way to work a certain song will come on the radio about love and I listen to the song and I think of him, today I turned it off and said what in the hell are you doing, there was no love you idiot in this relationship so quit thinking of him when ever you hear a beautiful song on the radio, you are living in an illusion again STOP IT, now if the exorcisim song came on from the movie that would be living in reality as I was dealing with the devil himself that wanted to take my soul. I listen to love songs and want a psychopath to stalk me - am I NUTS? NOT HEALTHY CHOICES for the mind to be thinking.
This is how my frame of mind should be thinking and it pertains to ALL of us: Thank GOD this psychopath wasnt into killing like some are, (the minority but it could have been any one of us) he is dangerous, disturbed, and I pray he NEVER tries to contact me again, I pray he will let me go and release me and move on to other victims for supply (and may God help those victims) I pray I can one day recover from being in the clutches of such a disordered man. THat is how we should be thinking. THat illusion is a powerful thing ladies, so powerful that we can even cause our own pain staying stuck with thoughts that are quite frankly just plain insane. We even create this fantasy thinking when it comes to the other women they are living with, we do it all the time, we post about it, we cry about it, we feel they were better than us and they choose them over us. Like Sandra Brown says, ladies ladies ladies quit this fantasy thinking, those are her exact words. I will stop right there, quit this fantasy thinking of what I am making him out to be in my mind, If he ever did try to drive here and make contact with me he would not greet me with a dozen roses and charm, he would probably have a rope in his truck to hog tie me and teach me a lesson. Ok I am back down to reality now, I am IN THE PRESENT, and my tinted glasses are off.
As God is my witness I will never never go through anything of this caliber again, this has been a fricking nightmare in my life --- I just want it to be over with
Letting go of the nice guy
SCOOP
Yep a complete wank . When
thanks Scoop
I've been in the same place
Twilight Zone
I know
Neverlookback
Time to rewire
neverlookback
Oh my! Don't apologize! You
Youre not alone. Mine never
Me too
Be happy he hasn't called. He
Be happy he hasn't called. He is doing you a huge favour.