Officer Charming and why you shouldn't ignore your gut instincts

20 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Sep 21 - 10AM
Marie
Marie's picture

Officer Charming and why you shouldn't ignore your gut instincts

Funny I just thought about Officer Charming after these 20 yrs. Not that I haven't thought about him before. He was simply the most gorgeous guy to ever ask me out. We never dated though because he showed his true colors too soon which was good for me. Still I regret and blame myself for things that happened and wonder what if I had done things different.

When I met him I was fresh out of a 5 yr relationship that ended when the physical abuse started. I was beaten down and didn't want to date anyone. I had just set up my dating rules as well. Cops were in my list of guys not to date. Enter Officer Charming. Initially all I could think was here comes trouble and avoided him like the plague. It was hard to avoid him since his beat was at the terminal I passed through during my commute, a meeting was inevitable. Blinded by his good looks I foolishly broke my rule. All seemed ok until he called for a first date.

It was Friday night 11:00 or 11:30 can't remember exactly but that it was very late. He wanted to know if I'd meet him for drinks. I was on my way to bed in PJs and all but contemplated how long it would take me to get dressed. Then he suggested I bring a friend in case he didn't make it. Had I not just got out of a horrible relationship I would have run down there anyway and risked being stood up. I just didn't want to take a 30 min drive somewhere, which was only blocks from his house to have him not show. I had spent the better part of five years running after my then loser of an ex who never got a car so never picked me up. I expressed exhaustion to Officer Charming and suggested maybe there would be a better time when it wasn't so late and asked him to call me the following week. Well I guess this didn't sit well with him because when I ran into him during the week. He said I'd missed the boat and he'd never be asking me out again. What could I say to that? I felt really bad, I thought I had made the biggest mistake and stupidly sometimes I still do. I don't know what he expected me to do? Cry? Plead? I said oh well my loss and that was that but not really.

For the next few months anytime I ran into him he harrassed me. He'd write tickets for smoking, spitting etc... he'd always rip them up but not without a hassle. One night I was coming home late after having been out with friends. Didn't see him but he obviously found me. He asked if he took me out to dinner what would he get out of it. So I told him he'd have an enjoyable evening in the company of a beautiful, intelligent woman. His reply "a hooker would be cheaper". I told him being that he was a cop he must know many and wished him to have a lovely evening. And so it went he would tell me he didn't like my attitude; I would tell him I didn't like his face. He hit me on the bottom of my foot one time with his nightstick while I was sitting reading; I had my legs crossed. Just as I was getting ready to file a complaint about his harrassment of me he vanished.

The very last time I ran into him I remember rolling my eyes as he approached me. He put his hands up as a surrender and said he just wanted to talk. He told me he was working on getting his position changed and how he was tired of being a cop. That last conversation has stuck with me for years, it was that guy I had wanted to know and don't understand why he was the other mean guy? His final question to me before we parted was why I never dated him? To this day I wonder how he could seriously ask me that after things he said and did to me? Sometimes I think had I met him that night it would have been different but now I think I just saved myself a lot of grief.

I don't know why he popped into my head. I guess I was just thinking about past relationships and why I got caught up with so many bad guys. Wondering whether I'm just destined to be with Ns or will I ever learn to spot them before it's too late. Here I am 20 yrs later and once again made this exception. Another person I dismissed my gut instinct of here comes trouble. As much as I've moved on this is a point that bugs me. That I didn't listen to my gut. So if anyone is in a relationship now or starting one and there is anything that comes up that your gut is telling you run, for heaven's sake listen. I hope the next time I do.

Sep 27 - 12AM
Marie
Marie's picture

Officer but no gentleman

Since posting this I have not been able to get this Officer out of my head. He's become part of my self reflecting in reviewing relationships of my past. I'm trying to see what mistakes I made so I don't go through the hell I went through again. Part of me learned once again to not make excuses and see red flags for what they are, warning signs. To listen to my gut because it's a survival instinct kicking in. When I met this cop and my last N all I remember thinking as my eyes locked with theirs was uh oh here comes trouble. In both cases I was right. I wonder though if down the road I will still get involved with another N. This is a fear that will keep me from dating for awhile. Also I got curious about this guy and Googled him to find he has gone through many promotions over the years and is married. I can't help but wonder how things are for her. Is he as disrespectful to her as he was to me? I'm sure he is but maybe not as horrible as he was with me. Maybe she's more passive. Even though I tried to avoid him as much as possible when we had our confrontations I would retaliate and not let him bully me. I think that made things worse. There was also a big article about him from this company that was so happy to have him joining them. They gave him this huge write up listing his achievements. I was a little floored. How could this be the same guy? He had such anger issues. But I forget I'm reading black and white, someone's resume which never tells you about who they really are. It doesn't tell you what they are like to live with. I know all these guys follow their own little warped paths but I still find myself blaming me for how bad things would get. This is something I need to address more because I fear it will cause me to stay in a bad situation with someone who is an N. Sorry just rambling.
Sep 27 - 12AM (Reply to #18)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Is he as disrespectful to her as he was to me?

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/11/other-woman-now-hes-happy-her ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Sep 27 - 1AM (Reply to #19)
Marie
Marie's picture

Barbara

"Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V. I love this quote and have put it up on my board. I've had a tough week so could use boost. Thanks for the link. I've read this article before and know it to be true word for word. I know from my own experience with my first N and his complaints about all his relationships after ours. All had the same problems with him they all ended the same way and he couldn't figure out why. Sad. Sad for anyone that gets involved with him.
Sep 22 - 11AM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

i dont want to give cops a

i dont want to give cops a bad rap, many are fine men as in any profession you have good and bad, but where there positions of power you will find psychopaths and narcs luring. Mine was a sheriff, and oh my he was a very very disturbed dangerous man. Remember this also they have been trained in many psychological ways in their profession too on top of having the deformity they have its a lethal, and toxic combination. Mine once told me they found a body of a woman who had been missing for months in the trunk of a car, he told me he still had her smell on his fingers, asked if I wanted to smell? I didnt find that to be funny at all, narcs and psychopaths who are in this profession have access to things you would not believe, huge power for them. Huge attraction and bait for women too, ewww look at him he is protecting his community, he wouldnt do anything illegal, no accept pretended he loved me, raped me, then dumped me because I would have group sex with him after his mask came off, he is nothing but a criminal while he doesnt break our legal laws, he breaks moral, and ethical laws and destroys lives. Be so glad he went away, dont even wonder or question or think twice about this person, thank god he never pulled out his hand cuffs - these men are trained physically too to take down others in pursuit, I could tell you stories that would make you throw up what they do in their law enforcement careers, the ones that use power to hurt others. Mine was so smart he never conducted his perversion in his home town, he traveled alot as to protect his sick side life, far from home. Sometimes I would wish his would have an accident while cleaning his guns oops too bad gun went off and clipped him in the head, but in my heart I would never wish that upon another human being, he is what he is, sick and disturbed, there is no peace within himself at all so that is the way he will live the rest of his sick days. Put him in the garbage and never never never never look back or even wonder,
Sep 27 - 1AM (Reply to #16)
Marie
Marie's picture

Cynthia

It is a scary thing. He would begin telling me about his day or some problem he had with a guy. It was the intensity with which he told his stories that unnerved me. At times I felt sorry for him because it seemed at the time the job was getting to him. I remember one guy came by the station and harassed him, he excused himself because he said had to take care of something. When he came back he said the guy would be ok but didn't say what happened. I had a good idea but didn't ask, it was just another red flag. He had a lot of issues with power and anger, scary to give a person like that a gun. I've learned now that he's in charge of some computer operations scarier still because of all the information he has access to. So yes you are right in saying it's a huge power trip for them. From the articles I've read about his career, he seems to be highly respected but working with someone is never like living with them. I know they wear many masks and are good at coming off as the good guy making you look like the sick one. He has just become one of the guys that have popped into my head during my recent self reflection. Wondering why I attract certain type men, why some relationships turned so nasty, if in some cases it was me and how I can avoid misery in the future or spot a predator sooner. I never dated a cop after him, though I was approached by a few. I'm sure there must be good guys but feel somehow that line of work attracts or breeds a warped type person.
Sep 21 - 8PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

MissM

the more you talk about this creep the more I suspect he might be a psychopath. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 22 - 3AM (Reply to #11)
MissM
MissM's picture

Barbara

psychopath.. thats just what my brother said. And of course i didn't give him the full story, just how he told me not to lynch myself or hack an arm off because i'd caught him out in a lie. I read somewhere that the police force, armed forces etc are havens for 'controlled sociopaths'. I also read 'the sociopath next door' and was quite astounded at some of the similarities. Perhaps i should be glad he has vanished.
Sep 22 - 6AM (Reply to #12)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

psychopath

yes - positions of power are very attractive to psycho/sociopaths. Sorry but I think yours is WAAAY beyond Narc. I hope you're in therapy - this is definitely PTSD Two books you must read: WITHOUT CONSCIENCE - Dr. Robert Hare WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS - Sandra Brown, MA (don't be fooled by the title - but its a MUST read! - not available on Amazon, etc - click the title here to order) be VERY glad he vanished. VERY. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 22 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
MissM
MissM's picture

PTSD

barbara, what are the signs of ptsd for someone in this situation. Finding his lies and 'other self' hidden in his phone was horrifying. I was numb, sick, terrified, despondent.. all at once. And i just KNEW he'd discard me like a piece of rubbish after i confronted him. And that knowledge amplified the abandonment.. I couldn't eat, concentrate, be alone. The fact that a week after this happened and he eventually replied to my txt (glibly, detached, contemptuous), his calling me a bunny boiler etc sent me into panic, anxiety, fear. He was horrific in just how removed and conscienceless he was. Is this ptsd? am i overreacting?
Sep 22 - 1PM (Reply to #14)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

MissM

go thru all the pages of MESSAGE BOARD - there's loads more on PTSD there. http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/07/ptsd-as-trauma-disorder-not-psychiatric.html http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/16/cracked-vessel http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/28/should-i-react-way http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/03/when-your-symptoms-look-like-something.html http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/06/living-gentle-life-healing-sexually.html You have PTSD - NO MISTAKE. no you're NOT overreacting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 21 - 11AM
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi Marie

Hi Marie, First of all, it sounds to me like all he wanted was a booty call. Second, he is so disturbed that he couldnt believe anyone would deny his beautiful self a date. It threw him into anger, thus the abuse you suffered. There was never ever that "other guy". You know that. Just a spoiled brat predator with a badge. Yes, follow your gut. There is always a little voice inside telling me to stay clear. Or a sick feeling in my stomach. I have in the past ignored it but I hope to God I do now and always. ~Free to Be~
Sep 22 - 1AM (Reply to #9)
Marie
Marie's picture

Booty call

I agree 100% though at the moment of the call didn't see it that way. I was understanding he was on a night shift and had dated guys before that worked a night shift, it's hard to juggle the schedule at times. What saved me oddly enough was the horrible relationship I had come out of at the time. I wasn't going to take crap from anyone and there were certain things a guy had to do and points he had to meet. The fact he expected me to go running at that hour and expressed he might be a no show, didn't make me feel valued. Looking back at that call I wonder how many other girls he had or was going to call. Now I think he was setting up his options for the evening or maybe something else had fallen through and I was a last minute thing. My recent experience has made me look back at other past bad experiences ones I was lucky enough to avoid others where I wasn't so lucky. Even though I put up with some crap from this wacko cop it could have been a lot worse. I could have actually gotten involved with him or I could have met him that night and been given a drug. It has definitely been my experience that those gut instincts are rarely wrong. With this cop and my recent N my initial meeting set alarm bells off, they weren't loud but something just didn't feel right. I felt ill at ease. Anyone feeling this around someone especially at a first meeting please don't ignore. Anytime I ignored feelings or gave someone a chance it was never good.
Sep 21 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Officer Anything-but-Charming

My late dad was a cop and he wouldn't have dreamed of treating a woman like this. However, he said a lot of the other cops were borderline criminals addicted to power. This sounds like a must read for you: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/09/13/malicious-quirk-first-sign-trouble
Sep 22 - 2AM (Reply to #6)
Marie
Marie's picture

Barbara

LOL, yes he was and probably still is anything but charming, I've always called him that as a joke. I've always had respect for cops it's a nasty job but they were always on my list of guys not to date. Why? I've hardly known any that were good guys and I've known quite a few. Good for the job but scarily insane. As friends they were nice to know but anything more was a no no in my book. I bent my rules for this one because he may have thought I didn't want to go out with him but I did right up until the hooker remark. His harrassment of me after that made me put cops back on my never date list with many !!!! after. I'm sure there are good guys but for me not worth the hassle. That he got so crazy just because I wanted to meet him at a more convenient time and place, I can't imagine what would have happened had I been involved and wanted to stop seeing him. Addicted to power. Yes! Definitely him. When he wrote tickets out for me it was always my word against his and he was always going to win. Interesting link and more proof that you're initial feelings aren't wrong. When something doesn't feel right, run! You can't always judge people by what their friends and family think of them either. Ted Bundy is a perfect example of this. Some of them are really good at hiding their evil faces. Fortunately my officer wasn't. What's scary is I Googled his name and if the person I found in the article is the same man, he is thought of very highly. I'm sure it is him because the department this guy is involved in is the very thing he was talking about the last time I saw him. Scary.
Sep 22 - 4AM (Reply to #7)
MissM
MissM's picture

marie

you had great instinct and sense staying away from him. They do love the badge. Mine flashed his 'inadvertantly' in a bar once - in a rough part of town - and he loved it. He really didn't give a shit. As for what their family think of them. I'd only just been introduced to his brother (his opposite in every way) and he said to me aside from everyone 'how do you put up with him' - this is a jokey cliché usually but he was quite serious! It was next morning i looked in my N's phone and saw who he really was. I'll never ever date another cop. There must be great guys among them - barbara testifies to that - but i couldn't risk it again.
Sep 27 - 12AM (Reply to #8)
Marie
Marie's picture

MissM

Mine loved his badge too. When he called my house for the first time I wasn't home, I was living at home with my parents. My dad was not a big fan of cops. I had just given this guy my number and didn't get a chance to tell my dad. Didn't think the idiot would call my house and say "This is officer ..." I was out late that night with friends. My dad freaked because he thought something happened to me, all he heard was the word officer and assumed the worst. On the way home I ran into Officer dumbass and he told me what happened. That was the second red flag attached with a passing thought of what a jerk this guy must be calling my house saying "this is officer..." I guess he thought it would make a good impression. Ha! All he did was freak out my dad and set off more warning bells that he was a big A-hole. I have no doubt there are great guys who are cops but I feel they are slim pickings. Recently I went to have my hair done and my hairdresser told me her cop story. She had just come to this country so there were things she didn't know. Everyday she'd drive her husband down to get the ferry, which makes me wonder if it's the same idiot because mine worked there. Anyway, he'd give her tickets regarding her car and it's tinted windows. Everyday he'd write out another ticket for something else. She had her license suspended because of it. He said he'd wipe all the tickets out if she'd give him her number. She explained she was married, he said so. Her nephew borrowed her car got pulled over by this guy who wanted to know where the girl was that owns the car, he told him to tell her he was looking for her. Then her husband got stopped by him and they got into a huge fight. So her story on top of friends, relatives and my own experience have put cops on my list not to date.
Sep 21 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
MissM
MissM's picture

officer..

the exN I'm on here posting about is a cop. He's a sniper, swat team leader, and escort commando. I took this as a desire to protect and defend. He was never macho about it, his job made me feel safe. Red flag 1: i once remarked it takes a special sort of person to be a sniper. His answer 'yes v special. I could switch yr brain off from 300m and you'd never know..but i wouldn't xx'. I gave no thought at the time - til i read N's believe they're special and superpowered. Red flag 2: he recently had to destroy a dog with a pistol. He loves dogs so i said 'god that must have been horrid'. Him 'no i quite enjoyed it'. I'm conscious of taking every detail of what he said just a bit too far, scrutinising it and making it fit the purpose of bringing him down.. I want to be objective and fair. But these things did stick with me and i dismissed them. He loved saying he was on the swat team when we first met. I wasn't so bothered. Evidently he thought I would/should be!
Sep 21 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

All of that BS we were

All of that BS we were taught as kids was wrong. To respect and obey authority. Don't judge people by their position of power or their job title. I learned this the hard way. By getting raped by a cop.I taught my kids to question authority and to use their own good judgement and gut feelings. Our parents thought they were doing well by us, but it was wrong. ~Free to Be~
Sep 22 - 2AM (Reply to #5)
Marie
Marie's picture

Dolce

OMG Dolce that's terrible. There was a story like that where I live involving two cops. I teach my daughter you can't always trust them because they have a badge. They take advantage and think they are above the law or are entitled. Even priests can't be trusted. How many kids have been molested and people wouldn't listen. Evil comes in all disguises.