Obsessive thoughts about how I speak to others

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#1 Feb 3 - 10AM

Leah

Obsessive thoughts about how I speak to others

Hi gals. Before I write about this, just want to let you know I posted an update on my earlier thread. I think it gto bumped down a bit.

This morning, even though I was awake at 7:30, I stayed in bed an extra half-hour with my mind on the ex-N relationship.

In addition to stress, what seems to have me obsessing over the past is that in the present, some Californians have given me some honest feedback on how I communicate. They've 'caught me' in moments when I haven't been at my best...and they've called me on it.

So for example, working on my grad school application was hell. The school doesn't have a lot of money so they have this cheap, PDF/paper application that essentially requires each applicant to re-create the entire thing, from scratch, in MS Word (all 5 page sof it, tables & all)...because the PDF form has major glitches that won't allow anyone to type in it. So I spent a full day re-creating the whole thing. When I visited my friends' house (new 'aunt' & 'uncle'), I started complaining about the application...and the testing service that required 5 different phone calls to clarify my GRE scores. I complained a lot.

'Aunt' stopped me and got angry and said that I rant, and that it's not okay, and it exhausts people who have to listen to it. That I need to accept things without making them wrong or bad, and without ranting.

This morning I remembered that during the relationship...being long distance...andmostly on the phone... I ranted a lot. I was going through a really difficult time (Icky & uncomfortable hospital follow-up tests for major illness...$23,000 in unpaid medical bills...hellish job) and while I didn't rant all the time...the times that I did would have annoyed anybody. In any relationship, I can't just tell my partner what a bad day I've had...in so much detail, and expect them to listen & not 'turn off.'

I need to learn how to self-soothe. Venting like that to people is almost abusive. I don't yell at them, but my play by play of how I felt wronged, scr*w*d over, unfairly treated, etc.....must feel awful to listen to.

So, I can only imagine how ex-N felt listening to that. N or no N, it wasn't fun.

It reminds me that only 5 weeks out of a major hospital stay...I was in no position to be on an online dating site. Huge mistake. I was still in crisis and recovering & traumatized.

Also, I can be very blunt and too forward. And project.

When I visited ex-N, he gave me a tour of the house. In the foyer was a very traditionally layed-out set of shelves with photos of his family, trophies, a few tchachkes. I said to him, 'Oh, your life feels very fixed.' Or something like that. Well, of course it does! He's 43 years old and has a 16-year old daughter & owns a house that's been in the family for a while. Just because I've always lived out of boxes doesn't mean 'being fixed' is bad. In fact, I long for a sense of 'home,' which I've never experienced. I remember how his face changed whwen I said that. He would've broken up with me anyway. But what partner would like their mate to say that? Why would I say such a thing? It was pretty insensitive.

In the past week I've caught myself, here in California...about to say something judgmental or stupid. I'm learning to catch my tongue. But I think I've been offending people for decades with this big mouth that I have.

Another moment... During the last few hours that I was visiting ex-N, in his home, I noticed he was picking his nails like crazy. I do the same, except I pick my cuticles. In retrospect, I think he just wanted me to leave & was very uncomfortable with my presences. Anyhow, I turned to him ans asked, "What triggers you to pick your nails?" I admit, if someone asked me, it wouldn't bother me, because I'm an open book...sometimes to a fault.

But why would I ask someone something so personal? It's not cool. Narc or no narc, no one would appreciate that. It's completely inappropriate. Invasive.

*sigh*

Here in California in the past 2 weeks, I've gotten signals from several folk that I'm a bit too brazen, or loud or obnoxious. And I think they're right.

So, obsessing about words exchanged with ex-N isn't as much about ex-N, as it is about realizing that while he was a jerk, I'm no innocent flower either. I have flaws that I need to work on, too.

And here in CA, I'm getting clear feedback that I'm pushing people's buttons. I need to change. I learned how to communicate from a PDI...so I need to re-learn.

It's funny, in professional environments I'm really good.

But in personal interactions...I'm a mess, and usually put my foot in my mouth.

*sigh*

I knew with this move I planned to re-create myself. Now that I'm shining the light on some dark places...it's not pretty. I'm all for personal growth. Been focusing on that all my life.

Sometimes I see things I don't want to see. Right now I don't like how I interact with others. And I'm too overwhelmed with job hunting & finding a new place to live to really deal with it. I just have to table it until a later time when I can really focus on it.

For now, I'm gonna practice being quiet. I'm usually chatty, but now I feel really self-conscious. And I need to learn how to 'be' in a way that helps me make connections out here. If I alienate people, I'm f*king myself over. And I can't afford to do that right now.

I'm really depressed. Luckily, I'm good at plowing through it. Today I'm going to visit a clinic to see if I broke my nose. And then I'll be job hunting online most of the day.

Thanks for listening, gals,
Leah

#2 Feb 5 - 11AM

apple

Leah!!!!!

oops double post. Sorry!!!!

#3 Feb 5 - 11AM

apple

Leah!!!!!

Hmmm... I really think you are over analyzing yourself. I also think you are being waayyyyyyy to hard on yourself as well, hun. Everyone rants and especially if you feel comfortable enough to talk to this "aunt". That's her problem and her feelings. And wow does she sound grumpy. lol I would say try to be yourself and not worry so much. We all love you on this site and I personally think you are really funny. Just be you!!!!!!!! xoxoxo

#4 Feb 5 - 6PM (Reply to #21)

Briseis

Some of us nuts solve our

Some of us nuts solve our problems by going into massive analysis mode. Yep, we can (and do) overdo it and it's good to get a reminder to not take ourselves so seriously. If you are the analytical type, the deal is to USE the analysis and not let it go bonkers on you. It's like us analytic types have a wild mustang we need to tame. Once tamed, it is a very beneficial ability. Until then it'll run ya all over the place and everyone will be begging you to RELAX LOL :)

#5 Feb 5 - 11AM (Reply to #20)

gettinbetter

Ditto!

#6 Feb 3 - 7PM

stillnotconvinced

Leah, I can relate on so

Leah, I can relate on so many levels! I wish you were still on the East coast so we can commiserate together, lol. I'm trying to do the same things...practice celibacy, keep distance from people until I learn to establish boundaries AND keep them. It's so hard because time is flying, and I'm frustrated that another year will go by, and I'll have made just a litle progress or maybe none at all. People tell me I'm too hard on myself...I don't think it can be any other way though.

#7 Feb 3 - 3PM

Briseis

I'm sorry, I was laughing

I'm sorry, I was laughing out loud half way through your post!! Not laughing AT YOU I promise. Laughing WITH YOU :D or wait a minute, you aren't laughing :D !! I hope to high heavens you will be laughing soon. You are SO HUMAN Leah :) These sound to me like things we ALL could start paying attention to in ourselves. Your tendency to haul off and flagellate yourself could be curbed a bit, here. Like you, I was raised in by a PDI. This ENSURED that I had immediate deficits in interpersonal skills, primarily, in having appropriate interpersonal boundaries. We were not allowed to have personal boundaries as children. They were discouraged or shamed or even BEATEN out of us by our PDI parent. So you go off traipsing through life without boundaries. Not only can other people get inside YOUR boundaries (because you don't have any) you also get inside THEIRS because you were never taught that they existed in the first place. I see your biggest issue as you needing to learn where you end and other people begin. These incidents, albeit tough and painful, are very necessary to you. I have been chastised many times for the same damn things Leah!! And it's really OK. Mistakes and bumbling around like a big clumsy bee is all you are doing. The amazing and wonderful thing about you is that you are so willing to accept responsibility for YOUR part in this, rather than just concluding the other person is "too controlling". Sometimes that may be the case. But in what you have described, I don't think it is. Trust me on this. You, Leah, are NOT expected to be a paragon of Emily Post's Etiquette. And now, you don't need to go and APOLOGIZE all over the place with these people who have set limits with you :D If you must, say something like "I'd never thought of that, THANK YOU, I appreciate the feedback, it really helped me." and then drop it. People get uncomfy (and it feels intrusive) when a person insists upon apologizing at length :) Put on those big girl panties and take it like a woman :D

#8 Feb 3 - 4PM (Reply to #10)

Leah

Briseis, thanks for that

I did laugh...for a moment. I have to say, I can see how I hurt ex-N's feelings. That may have contributed to his breaking up with me. I probably came off as rude and insensitive. When he visited me out East, he never said a word about my apartment, my life...nothing. I should have done the same when I visited him. Narc or no narc, I was rude...without even realizing it. That's what bugs me about how the whole thing ended. I never got to own up to that. I never got to apologize. And it's more that it would've made me feel better. The damage had already been done. He felt judged & criticized. An apology wouldn't have changed his thoughts. It wouldnn't have made him feel better. Now I feel like I need to own that 50% of the relationship. Narc or no narc, I was insensitive. It's not a crime, but it sucks. I always learn the hard way. I recently made a deal with myself that until I feel my boundaries are more 'normal,' celibacy is my choice. I've actually spent most of my life celibate...so it's not that big a deal. I've never wanted to have kids, so it doesn't affect much. It's too painful to get involved with someone and then make these stupid comments and feel so embarrassed. And push people away. Now I want to cry. Because I see that I've been pushing people away (scaring them would be more honest...) for a long time. I'm lucky I have a lot of close friends back East...but they've admitted that I'm 'odd' and not an easy person to be friends with all the time. I share too much. I always process by 'talking it out' (for long phone calls) instead of working it out on my own. It's like I have no idea how to go INSIDE and self-soothe & calm myself down or break things down into steps. I feel like I need to mourn the lost oppty to make amends to ex-N for being so insensitive. I don't want him back. But I wish I had had a chance to say something. I was an insensitive jerk in those moments, and if someone was insensitive towards me, I wouldn't want to date them, either. Briseis, the more I look at myself, the more I see that I'm only a narc in reverse. I have just as many issues and hurt people in just as many ways...only from a different direction. Control...judgment...insensitivity...boundary crossing...getting too close and then disappearing... I do it too. All the time. I'm not that different from them. It's just another side of being unconscious. The only differences between all my ex-N's and me is... - they figured out that our pairing was toxic and left appropriately...while I avoided abandonment/abandoning - they have lives to return to when relationship is over (hobbies, stable finances, well-paying jobs, families) while I have never cultivated a life outside of work, nor have I ever had stable finances or a family After the relationship ends, I'm always crushed because I have no structure, outside of work, to hold onto. I'm hoping I learn how to do that here. I never figured out how to do that in the big city out East. Ugh. I guess I can't laugh right now. I just feel like an a kid in an adult body. I really do. The age is about...8. I feel like an 8 year old. Yup. And it doesn't bode well that I have a lot of grown-up things to do right now, and fast. I hope I'm a quick learner. I don't want to f*k up anymore. It's too embarrassing. I'm tired of re-creating shame. I do it over & over & over again. It's exhausting. It's like I unconsciously find ways to stick my foot in my mouth...cross a boundary...just so someone can run away from me or set those limits. Just like a little kid. Not pretty. And not fun. I'll be really careful from now on...which for the time being...means keeping my mouth shut. Once I figure out how to not cross boundaries, then I can be chatty again. For now, once bitten twice shy. I don't trust myself to learn to have boundaries fast enough to enable me to interact with the people I need to. Focusing on finding a job is good...it'll keep me out of trouble for a while. Being on the computer keeps me from being social...which I so don't want to be right now. I can't wait to grow up...whenever that is. I trust that someday before I die, I'll figure out how to have boundaries. Ugh. Thanks as always, Briseis. I'm trying to put one foot in front of the other. -Leah

#9 Feb 4 - 2PM (Reply to #12)

Briseis

Oh dear. Here are some

Oh dear. Here are some ideas for you. First, the reason all those Narcs ended the relationship with you? You were too healthy. And your boundary issues? Actually worked to your benefit with the Narc types you've dealt with. You went around blowing their covers all the time. In spite of the shame you feel at being "this type of person", you have some natural Narc Repellent :D . It will ensure that you won't marry one or stay very long in a relationship. What I wouldn't give for being "too healthy" that my Narcs all dumped me before they got in there and really did their damage :( You might feel 8 but you aren't 8. You just moved across the country into a new life. You are very vulnerable emotionally and mentally. Your "stuff" is going to stick out like mad right now just because of your SITUATION. Try to force yourself to use some of your 30 something years of PERSPECTIVE on yourself here. Try to see yourself as you would a friend who just did the same thing you are doing. What would you say to her right now? To take it easy? Give her a hug, make her a cup of something she likes and say "I'm listening." ?? You can trust yourself because you are AWARE of yourself. Would you be very angry and untrusting of yourself if you ended up with diabetes and kept having high blood sugars? Your boundary issues are something you downloaded helplessly as a child. You could be no other way than the way you are. You have lots of people who love you, even THOUGH they recognize "how you are". That means, Leah, it's just a matter of fine tuning, not an overhaul :D You aren't repugnant. Well, maybe to a Narc who can't maintain their Mr Perfect Narc-hood around you for very long :D Your exNarc did not care about your feelings to tenth of a percent that you care about his. At least you CARE. And like I've said before, Narcs have a built in insensitivity to the nuances which us normies pay attention to. I SERIOUSLY doubt your Narc felt the sting of true sensitivity. It's not in their psychology. They hate having anyone really KNOW them. For a Narc, your boundary crossing is simply blowing a whistle on their lack of perfection. And boo hoo for a Narc who insists upon being seen as "perfect", or anyone who does, for that matter. Try just listening to people and not sharing much about yourself. Try focusing on people, and keep your impressions about them to yourself. Unless they ask :) I'm telling you, I have the exact same problem. Which is why I love being here, because it is a place where people (most of the time) are ASKING directly for that kind of feedback. I feel such a huge urge to TELL them lol. I have to clamp my lips shut a lot, in real life. You just need some "discipline", to reign in your horses a bit. Everyone has something. And your "something" is actually, at least to me, a quality that is quite endearing, fresh and clear. It is much needed in this world. It's not a BAD thing. It needs to be used with discernment, not squashed away :) Hope that helps, a little. Especially, give yourself permission to giggle a little bit at yourself :) When you catch yourself kneeling in the sand and pouring it over your head, say "oh here I go again :D ". I'm serious! Go light :) You are a lovely person, and so genuine. That is a breath of fresh air :)

#10 Feb 5 - 10AM (Reply to #13)

Leah

Briseis, your words make me think

I haven't had a chance nor the privacy to reply before now (Sat. 8:30am, PT). I hear you. I do notice a pattern. WIth almost every narc, I would say things that were too 'real' or too personal. Either immediately or within a few weeks or months, they would leave. And just now I was thinking... I didn't always cross a boundary. Sometimes it was pure honesty. Like the alcoholic narc that I lived with, who cheated on me. I 'took him back' (how ridiculous) and then he expected me to instantly trust him & forget the betrayal. When I needed time & space & said I couldn't trust him overnight....poof. He started looking for a new apartment ASAP. The more I think about it, in recent years, with my friends, I haven't really crossed a lot of boundaries. I'm remembering the 'me' of 5-10 years ago who did that a lot. I guess this move really has my mind in 'retro' mode. I know they say that when we're sick, we regress. Maybe moving has he same effect. In the past 5 years, because of some training I went through (for a volunteer program), my boundaries have actually been a lot better...for someone like me who doesn't have any. But once in a while, with an old friend, or with a new one, I may over-share about my life. I'm now hypervigilant about that. So right now, meeting all these new people, I've switched myself into 'ask questions & listen mode'. I've still made a few errors not sticking to that, but it's been greatly reduced. With ex-narc, it was only when I visited him that I surprised myself with those few comments I made. Those were it. The rest of the week I spent with him, I was so busy trying to figure out why he was a totally different guy than the one who visited me 3 months before...sometimes I didn't speak. I was so confused. I actually wonder if the discomfort & subtle abuse I felt from him that week had me saying things I wouldn't have otherwise said. Or had me drop my boundaries. Someone else needs to use this computer, I have to run. Briseis, thanks a lot. It's reminding me to breathe and put it in perspective. I'm not good at doing either of those things, but I'll try. Much gratitude, Leah

#11 Feb 5 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

Briseis

With ex-narc, it was only

With ex-narc, it was only when I visited him that I surprised myself with those few comments I made. Those were it. The rest of the week I spent with him, I was so busy trying to figure out why he was a totally different guy than the one who visited me 3 months before...sometimes I didn't speak. I was so confused. At least your Narc let you IN to his personal space. I was never once allowed to go to "his house". In fact, one day I showed up looking for him and was going to knock on his door. He came barrelling up the street FURIOUS at me. The discomfort you felt was the Narc demonstrating rather typical Narc behavior. He was hiding something from you. He wanted you there for the supply and sex and more supply, but in order to do that, he had to run the risk of you seeing through his facade. You tripped his control issues just by BEING THERE. No longer were you safely on the phone where he could perfectly control what you heard and experienced of him. And I relate with that tendency to blurt stuff out when I feel a vague sense of discomfort in the other person. And maybe I am just being compulsively honest? I never thought of it like that. You actually are pretty good at putting it in perspective. You might LOSE the perspective, but you gain it back. It's kind of a roller coaster at first, but if you keep up the hard work, you'll realize one day that your boat ain't rockin' quite so hard. Lord I wish you had your own computer? Are you planning to get one?

#12 Feb 7 - 10AM (Reply to #16)

Leah

Briseis, I think that's exactly it

I remember walking with him, hand in hand in his town, my body really tense... I didn't recognize him. He was aloof. Distant. The guy who visited me out East who was eager to hold my hand...he was gone. The 'new guy'... - At first didn't want to hold my hand in public because he was afraid his neighbors would see us (if that wasn't a hint that he was gonna break up with me, what was?!). Then he changed his mind. - One time got annoyed with my presence and said, "I'm used to living alone." The guy who visited me out East wanted nothing more than to spend time with me. - Got easily pissed off by the slightest comment. I'll never forget how that flirty comment of mine (If I lived here, I'd change all your spices.) threw him into an internal rage, which he shared the next morning...when I told him I wouldn't change all of them (Well, adding some new ones and changing all of them are two different things.). I was completely shocked. And ashamed...I really took on the shame he put on me. - Our last day together we went to a local park/hiking area. I admit I was somewhat caught up in taking photos. But he kept walking ahead of me, like we weren't a couple. There were two times I asked him to sit down on a bench with me. We kissed for a short time, but he wasn't present and encouraged us to get back up because we had to get back soon. How strange. I was totally confused. - There was a time in an ice cream shop when I was chatting with him, and I missheard him & thought he wanted to try my ice cream, or something like that. I knew he didn't like the flavor (coffee), but offered it anyway. He was disgusted and got angry. I tried to explain the misscommnication, but it was too late. He was furious. My therapist said that the minute I got off that plane and was real...that's when his guard came up and everything was over. In fact, it was over way before that, but he didn't tell me. My therapist echoed what you said. Once I became real and wasn't a fantasy over the phone, he became uncomfortable that I was on 'his turf.' I asked my therapist why he was totally comfortable when he visited me. Therapist said that it wasn't his turf, so he didn't feel territorial. Briseis, I'll be getting a new computer soon. Thanks as always, Leah

#13 Feb 7 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

Susan32

Being on his turf

The ex-Psych professor was incredibly territorial (how fitting his name is Hebrew for dog-and I know how dogs mark their territory). What's weird is that for 4 years, I not only NEVER saw his apartment (occasionally he invited students or colleagues over-I remember my junior year being incredibly jealous when a female blonde senior thanked him for dinner at his place), but I NEVER was in his office... until the final D&D. During the final D&D, we had an argument in his office, each of us holding a side of his chair, while his officemate/colleague was trying to work. Then again, he never saw my dorm rooms... and considering he was psychopathic, that was probably a GOOD thing.

#14 Feb 5 - 12PM (Reply to #14)

blueeyes

lol

I don't mean to laugh but :D Love you Leah!

#15 Feb 3 - 10PM (Reply to #11)

Susan32

You care about the N's shallow feelings?

When he obviously didn't care about yours? You are being waaay too hard on yourself. During the final D&D, I was bawling publicly, and APOLOGIZING to the ex-Psych professor, despite the fact he was the one who was hurting MY feelings. He shamed me, slandered me behind my back... yet I was the one constantly apologizing, asking him why he was so angry and offended... and never getting a response. "I can see how I hurt the ex-N's feelings"-I hurt my ex-P by TELLING HIM THAT I LOVED HIM! That was, in his eyes, my crime, the ultimate boundary violation. You didn't hurt his feelings. You caused him narcissistic injuries, but you didn't hurt his feelings. You injured his false ego, not the real him. "He felt judged and criticized"-Yet he had no problems doing the same to you. The ex-P constantly called me a slut... yet he snapped at me when I called him a jerk. Yes, I made him feel judged and criticized... but I was the one who was mocked when it came to eating, my emotions, being human. He felt judged&criticized when I told him I was hurt when he mocked me after my grandfather died. Poor, poor him. I made him feel hurt&criticized. I should've accepted such mockery without question-because the deaths of relatives&mourning are so damn funny. "I lost the opportunity to make amends with the ex-N for being so insensitive"-There is no way one can make amends with an N/P. You'd have to become a perfect, emotionless god (or robot) to do so. For an N/P, making amends is impossible. To him, you're insensitive because you have those human needs and feelings. During the final D&D, believe me, I tried to make amends daily to the ex-P. In tears. I was begging for mercy. He'd say "I'm sorry you feel that way", condemn me for defying my college's mission, condemn me for being improper, making amends with him would've cost my soul, and being untrue to myself. Making amends with an N/P is IMPOSSIBLE. Sofia Tolstoy went daily to her late husband Leo's grave daily APOLOGIZING, despite the fact he constantly abused her emotionally and frequently abandoned her.

#16 Feb 3 - 11AM

ally2375

Leah

Oh my goodness girl! Why do I get the feeling that your about two seconds away from tar and feathering yourself so for the unforgivable crime of being human! Really, you must, MUST stop being so hard on yourself. Venting after a bad day? Asking a guy why he is picking his nails? Rubbing someone the wrong way on occasion? I see no high crimes among your list of "offenses." I see a girl trying to be perfect and then bashing herself when she can't. STOP IT!!! I had to respond to your post because I want to make sure you are clear about one thing: no matter how abrasive, offensive, intrusive you imagine yourself to be sometimes (and I have my doubts here about that) YOU did not deserve N abuse. The two things are completely unrelated. I see a lot of myself in you. Perfectionistic, overly ambitious, prone to being a "fixer"...I'll bet you're all of that. Please be nicer to yourself. Do not go down the dangerous road of think that if you were only more "x" or less "y" that you would have been able to make the relationship work. That is fallacy, my friend. Please take some time off today. I know that you have a lot on your plate right now, but I promise the world will not grind to a halt if you sit down for a half hour, sip a cup of cocoa, and let yourself RELAX!

#17 Feb 3 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

Leah

Ally, thanks for the reminders

I feel like you channeled Briseis...I think she would say the same thing. I have a tendency to be hard on myself. I think I do have a lot on my plate...by choice. I've had this tendency to overwhelm myself since I was a kid (see my 'update' post in my last thread...from a day or 2 ago?). Why my plate is full: - the move - being isolated from all my friends back East, even by phone - blacking out & injuring my head/face/nose on Sunday - the grad school application I dedicated days to last week - the job application I spent days on last week - feeling like I don't 'fit in' in the Bay Area...like I'm too 'Northeast' for the folk here And this kind of overwhelm really brings on my memories of ex-N, and of interactions with any other folk who don't respect my boundaries or criticize me. When people don't like me, I think it's about me. I forget that it's their choice. And I can't take it personally. Out here I've been feeling like people don't like me, so it's pushed all my buttons of shame, guilt...obsessing over my words...feeling small...feeling like a misfit. You guys are reminding me to see how I feel for what it is - feelings. I always forget that feelings aren't facts. That is so hard for me. For me, feelings *feel* like facts. And the fact that I'm an empath to the 'nth degree' doesn't help, either. I am trying to take it easy today. I think my body is still healing from the head injury from Sunday...so it seems like I only move at one speed - slow. When I try to speed up, my body doesn't follow. *deep exhale* Thanks for being so supportive, Leah

#18 Feb 3 - 4PM (Reply to #8)

onwithmylife

Leah

give it a CHANCE, I am from the East coast originally and moving to a real western state, but I will make a go come Hell or high water, as my mom use to say and by the way perfectionism is a disease, no such thing, in your mind only. Remember the Narcs, they are perfectionisitic and they are miserable creatures!!

#19 Feb 3 - 11AM

Susan32

Ranting

When you were ranting to your ex-N, you were justified. You had been ill. He wasn't there for you. The ex-Psych professor would let me talk and talk and talk... and it turned out he wasn't listening the whole time. He thought I was obnoxious because I was telling people I was mourning my grandfather's death, so he'd publicly mock me for it. Your whole "I've been offending people for decades" is what comes out after being involved with an N/P. You think it's all YOUR fault, that you're constantly offending people... simply by being human and expressing your needs. I wasn't allowed to be negative around the ex-P. Yet he'd rant to me endlessly about how terrible his life was, how he wasn't recognized as a philosopher, how his students disrespected him. Was I ever allowed to say that things weren't going well for me either? No way. He would've deemed it offensive. Right now you're sensitive because you're detoxing. As for being invasive&inappropriate with a Narc, don't fret about it. It's crazy-making. You were asking him a simple question... and he got all "offended" by it (because you had needs) When I asked the ex-P why he was vegetarian, he acted as if it were inappropriate&invasive. And the irony... most vegans/vegetarians here in the Bay Area most happily say WHY they follow such a mode of living.

#20 Feb 3 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

Leah

Susan, thanks for putting it in perspective for me

I hear you. But some non-N people (thought I suspect that maybe some of them are PDI's) I've met seem to sometimes bristle by me being...me. I really do feel like my Northeast, 'Hi, how are ya'?' kind of personality really grates on people here. I feel I need to tone myself down. I'm in the deep suburbs right now, about an hour NE of SF. I think I drive people here crazy. Maybe once I move closer to the Bay (which will be soon, I think), I'll feel more at home, and will be better received. So, feeling like a fish out of water in this area really kicks up all my ancient (dating back to PDI mom & elementary school bullies) feelings of not fitting in & being 'too much' or 'too sensitive' or 'too open'. Ugh. I had no idea what I was in for when I made this big move. I came here on faith. I have no job...yet. My unemployment payments are ridiculously low. I don't even know if I'm going to get into one of the 2 grad schools I applied to. And my city-girl-ness seems to grate on some locals. I'm trying not to assume that I've made a big mistake. I have to give this at least 3-4 months before I jump into that train of thought...right? Thanks for all your support, Leah

#21 Feb 8 - 9PM (Reply to #5)

Susan32

Welcome to the Bay Area!

Your concerns are understandable and natural. It was quite a leap of faith for you to move from the East Coast all the way to here in the Bay Area. You're keeping the faith in yourself. I hope God blesses you in this time.

#22 Feb 3 - 3PM (Reply to #3)

Jewwell

You're going to LOVE the Bay Area soon...I just know it!

You're going to LOVE the Bay Area soon...I just know it! If you are 1 hr. NE, you are WAY out there!! Once you get closer to the City, you will like it so much more. I am a native and I LOVE it here! Give yourself some time and be NICE to yourself!

#23 Feb 3 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

Leah

Thanks, Jewwell

I really do love the areas close to the Bay, but I couldn't pass up the oppty to temporarily live in a low-rent situation. I am WAY out...near Mt. Diablo! I think once I get close to the Bay, I'll feel at home. My 1st week I stayed temporarily with a friend in Berkeley, and went to Indian Rock on several days, to watch the sun set between the 2 towers of the Golden Gate bridge. That view won my heart. And the weather near the Bay is so awesome. I know somehow I'm gonna get back there. Soon. Thanks for your support, Leah

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