obsessing (still) after three years. missing the pretend guy

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#1 Aug 22 - 3PM

smarternow

obsessing (still) after three years. missing the pretend guy

i admit to following my es's doings on facebook and on another site he belongs to. it tells me all kinds of not helpful things like what he is doing and when his girlfriend is in town. then my ptsd kicks in and i am looking everywhere for their cars, worried i'll fun in to them, wanting to and yet not. wonde3ring if he is abusing her in the same ways. i know he is with her but still on dating site as he was with me. when i met him i knew he was a dork and socially incompetenet but i thought, this one is mine. i'll keep him no matter what (after 10 years single). i only understood what had happened in our relationship as time went on after i broke up with him to save myself. is that how ptsd works?
my obsession has gotten worse since quitting smoking one month ago...........

#2 Aug 22 - 5PM

justwantpeace

dont look for what he does

dont look for what he does it will just keep you tore up. it takes practice but once you quit looking it will help alot. i still have trouble with ptsd. im now divorced and i went to the mall yesterday on the side of town he lives on and could just feel the tension, nerves, and emotions come up. i thought i was going to have a panic attack. but i have to slowly take my life back from him and this. you have to do the same but in small steps. i have medicine that i can take to help me when im feeling this way. some people dont agree but it helps get me thru right now and i want to slowly come off it as i take my life back.

#3 Aug 22 - 5PM

Barbara (not verified)

smarternow

Yes that is PTSD! You are making it worse by not following STRICT no contact! You have purposely put yourself in a cognitive loop! Get therapy immediately! Block all that and DON'T LOOK AT HIS FACEBOOK, etc. Block him from yours. This is bad... hopefully not permanent.

#4 Aug 25 - 2PM (Reply to #10)

Chloe

PTSD

Definite post traumatic stress; you become obsessed with it and think of it/him/her--morning, noon, and night. It's almost like you have to get a "fix" yourself of this self-destruction. You need therapy to help yourself learn to count to ten before making any rash decisions. Don't just spontaneously do things. Take the time. Think about what you are doing, and ask yourself what you are going to gain by your next move, if it's not a healthy choice don't do it! There are great therapists out there who specialize in PTSD.

#5 Aug 25 - 5PM (Reply to #11)

Barbara (not verified)

obsessional thoughts

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/10/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#6 Aug 22 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

smarternow

not permanent?

barbara i went through 4 mo of counseling till insurance ran out on this one didnt know i am on the verge of permanent problems?! purposefully put myself in cognitive loop ok meaning i am choosing to continue torturing myself sigh

#7 Aug 22 - 10PM (Reply to #3)

Barbara (not verified)

smarternow

only 4 months? THAT'S NO WHERE NEAR LONG ENOUGH for PTSD. Please get back into some kind of counseling or use Sandra Brown, MA's certified phone counselors (might be cheaper) but you still need it! Especially if you are continuing this sort of behavior which has now made a cognitive loop of checking, obsessing, PTSD for you. http://allabouthim.com/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts/ http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/06/so-hard#comment-1400 For gosh sake CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER - the phone company will do it for free when you tell them you're an abuse victim - AND MAKE IT UNLISTED TOO!!! BLOCK all EMAIL BLOCK all IMs DELETE all texting - UNREAD RETURN ALL PACKAGES & MAIL - "delivery refused" - UNOPENED BLOCK HIS FACEBOOK, MYSPACE, BEBO or ANY OTHER SOCIAL NETWORKING SO HE CAN'T READ YOURS AND YOU DON'T READ HIS DON'T OPEN THE DOOR TO HIM ERASE MESSAGES BEFORE LISTENING TO THEM. NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, but you have done this to yourself in this case... so now get therapy so you can undo this damage. then you will actually be smarternow ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#8 Aug 24 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

smarternow

ouch

i know you are right. i made it through 3 years no contact at all until my i had to call 911 for my mother who stopped breathing. this happened in may. my ex narc is a fire chief and when i called 911 he appeared. the combination of adrenline i had just been through when my mother faded out on me and him walking in was unbelievaable. he stood there with his arms out for a hug. in shock i went for one. of course it ended up that he got a hug, he wasnt giving one just standing there. hero complex and whatnot. so it started me up again. just like smoking cant have just one...he has emailed me a couple times blah blah i wish i knew he was torturing new gf, or is she just able to put up with it? she lives 3.5 hrs away so they are probably faking faking to each other eah are 4 days on/off, paramedic and a nurse aargh no understanding?

#9 Aug 24 - 3PM (Reply to #6)

cynthia (not verified)

no warm hug huh, ?

just goes to show ya that is why some dont actually say goodbye they just let us leave and they figure later on months or a few years down the road they can catch up with us again for some fresh supply, I was told I COULD NEVER NEVER see him again, in any way, stay away like he was the plague, because if I saw him it could have some flashback effects as it did you. mine was a cop eww the power they have, while the rescue kittens from trees and save the community makes me want to puke

#10 Aug 26 - 6AM (Reply to #7)

dolce (not verified)

cynthia

This is so true. Even after my N (I hate calling him that, I dont want him to be "mine")left for his home country, not even telling me, just disappearing...even now, when the divorce is so close to being final..he still thinks we are meant to be together, that I am his life, and that he can and will change so we can agin go through this in the future. It's like they are in a fantasy. I keep doing NC but his brain tells him it doesnt matter I guess. He feels he duped me a number of times and will be able to again. But I'm learning so much.

#11 Aug 26 - 6AM (Reply to #8)

baddream

Same thing

My N sounds a lot like yours. He does D&D to me, I do NC to him, and he goes on like nothing is wrong. Sends letters to me saying he misses me, and also tells me we are meant to be together, we need to get through the rocky times, etc. He is living in a fantasy world too. Or perhaps this is just what he likes to say because he knows in his mind that he can never have a normal, everlasting relationship with anyone.

#12 Aug 26 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

Barbara (not verified)

letters? NC!

RETURN THOSE LETTERS UNOPENED - "RETURN TO SENDER - DELIVERY REFUSED"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no calls, letters, texts, ims, NOTHING ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#13 Aug 24 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

Barbara (not verified)

smarternow

you made a mistake get BACK on the NC wagon and call your therapist! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

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