Numbtolife's Story

I met my ex a little over 3 years ago. I was a determined, young, fun, confident, independent your woman who had her whole life planned out. I was finishing up my degree then intended on moving out of state to pursue my passion in marketing specifically for the skincare and beauty industry.

At first he was this charming, caring, funny, aggressive guy who was a challenge...and I loved challenges...at the time I couldnt stand "nice" guys ... he was not "nice" by deffinition. The first few months were just fun - then I really fell in love with him - he was the first to say "I love you" and I thought I had him hooked. Well it wasn't long after that - his games began - over the course of a few years he would breakup with me (only to find out he was sleeping with his ex) then come crying and crawling back. Each time I took him back I changed a little (without my own knowledge). He wore me down so much that I questioned everything I did. Nothing I did was EVER good enough for him. He would glorify one week then spend the next 5 weeks bashing me. He was verbally and emotionally abusive.

I had lost so much of who I was I just didnt care anymore. I was weak now. I believed everything he said about me. I was afraid to be alone. Eventhough a part of me deep down knew there were others...i would never actually admit to it or God forbid question him. It went back and forth until March of 2010 when I learned I was pregnant. I gave him the option as to what he would like to do. Be together...be apart of his childs life but not together...or nothing at all. He chose being together. For a the first couple months on and off he treated me great and I thought we would actually work and that he would be faithful and grow up ... then around june he really just started being terrible to me. I was scared to death. I did everything I could to make him happy but it was never enough. In August I had enough and I packed up a few of my things and was going over to my parents...he walked in realized what I was doing and raged at me...I had a black and blue lip. He is a cop. I was afraid to press charges because of what he would do and if he lost his job I wouldnt have insurance for my son. The week later in September he apologized...he apologized to my dad and blamed his temper on painkillers after a back injury. He promised my dad he loved me and wanted to be with me. I believed him. Again. Things were good. He arranged for us to go to couples therapy. I went. Things stayed good a few weeks. Then right back to square one. I was 9 months pregnant. He would look at my body in disgust...laugh at me...ignore me...started going out with friends...which he never use to do.

I had our son in November...he was agood a few days...and while he was on Paternity leave he slept on the couch so he wouldnt be disturbed by the baby. I did everything alone. 10 days after being home my son and I moved into my parents while the kitchen was remodled...He never asked us to come back when it was finished. End of Janurary I told him we were coming back and I did for about 2 weeks. Until the day I found out he had another girlfriend since the summer. She knew about me - and my son. He told me I was crazy and so forth. We moved out immediately. THis was Jan 16th...the fighting has gone back and forth. He wanted me to come back to him and when I told him I could not he began threatening texts. I went to the police. I was contacted by his lawyer who informed me he is fighting for shared custody.

Since January I have started seeing the therapist we saw together. She has since told me that he has BPD, is a Narcissist and has a sex addiction. She also said that I was attracted to him because of my mother who shares similar qualities. At my last session - she put things into perspective for me - and said because of the severity of mental/emotional/physical abuse I suffered from I have Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I never really thought of anything being "wrong" with me ... but the symptoms are pretty much head on. I keep looking for coping methods, anything that will help me...and I just feel exhausted. Truthfully, If I didn't have my son to live for...things might be different. I need some insight. I dont sleep. I am scared he will win shared custody and I know it will not be for the right reasons. I just feel sad, scared, alone, helpless, like my life is never going to get better. The emotinal damage done seems like nothing will ever fix it. I'm numb.

Can anyone give me advice to move forward?

Thank you.