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Ns reaction to death

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#1 Jul 12 - 5PM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Ns reaction to death

During my relationship with EXN his father died.
He was in hospital for 5 days slowly drifting away. We all knew he was going to pass it was just a matter of time.
I took time off work to sit by his bedside to be there for EXN and his family. I didn't know his father well, but I wanted to be there for people I cared about.

When we were firs told in hospital that he was going to die, EXN raged at the surgeon and threw his hat.
Then he made a dramatic display of tears.

While we were all 'waiting' for his father to pass the n made lots of innappropriate and crude jokes. He was having a great time mucking around. All while his father lay in a coma on his deathbed.
EXN and I became very close during this time.

EXN did not cry once after that initial emotional display.

He did not mourn.

He went a little bit weird with me about 3 weeks after his father died and said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me. I was hurt but put it down to grief and gave him his space.

He came 'good'.

He didn't really mention his father and if he did it was only to incite pity.

He never cried again. Yet he had been fairly close with his dad.

Occasionally I questioned why he never got upset or spoke about it- he said 'you know me, I just get on with things'.

I looked up the seven stages of grief to let him know what to expect but he didn't go through any of these stages!

Fast forward three years and I asked if he ever thought about his dad. He said he cried everyday in the car.

Once we were watching a movie where someones partner died. I said that would be awful, I would be devastated if you died. I asked how he would feel if I died. He said-'you know me, I just get on with things'. That was a huge red flag and the beginning of the end for me.

It started to click in my brain that this person was not normal. He didn't mourn his father, didn't really care. Just milked it for pity. He would certainly not mourn me either.

From that point on I couldn't put a name to if, was watching for signs but didn't really know what I was looking for.

Anybody else experience similar?

Jul 14 - 12AM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Just thought I would add I

Just thought I would add I made a photo DVD with music to it. I stayed up all night to make it and it was very moving. It was a couple of months after his father passed. When he watched it there were no tears. He just said thats really nice. I bloody cried when I made it! I had more emotion for someone I barely knew that he did!!! Insane and weird
Jul 13 - 10PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

yes!

his sister died who he was very close to - he got very high at her celebration memorial at his house, seemed unable to process it, got very quiet for about a week and would not let me comfort him, refused all affection, would not speak hardly at all, I gave him some space and in a week he was back to his normal weird self and NEVER spoke of her again like nothing happened. He had her living in his house with him and he was taking care of her until she died, she died under his watch - he took good care but was not a great advocate with doctors - he is not sophisticated enough to understand that you have to monitor medical care these days or they "kill" you with mistakes and wrong treatments etc esp in these big health coops... I think he was freaked she died under his care but he just sort of shook it off. I told him he did the best he could do for her. he listened quite earnestly like a child. I made him plant some flowers in her memory. There was no grieving process, just quiet for a moment and done.
Jul 13 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"Why aren't you ambitious?"

My mother said that about a week after my paternal grandmother died. It came to me as a shock. Here I was, my grandmother had recently died as the result of a stroke... and that's what she snaps at me over the phone?? My career wasn't the first thing in my head at the moment. The way my parents handled my grandmother's passing now strikes me as STRANGE. My paternal aunt&uncle (my grandmother's daughter&eldest son) were at my grandmother's side when she died. My father would call daily... but he wasn't THERE. He's the Dean of a college... and one would think he'd be able to take time off for her final days. I'm glad I was able to speak to my grandmother for a final time before her death. Not long after, my parents reveled in my shocked reaction when they "ambushed" me (that was their term) at a restaurant. As my paternal grandmother once said, "You don't want to go back there" (as in moving back in with my parents) Her "You don't want to go back there" reminded me of how a friend of mine said "You didn't want to be in the middle of that drama" (when the ex-Psych prof's parents moved in with him) I miss my grandmother. Her number is still on my phone. Her address is still in my book. She always brought joy.
Jul 12 - 9PM
Puzzle
Puzzle's picture

My ex's dad almost died a few

My ex's dad almost died a few years ago and he down played it saying he was fine. Had dinner with him mum and she said "yeah we almost lost his dad last year." I looked at her as if I had no fucking clue what she was on about...because he never told me. Also he used to live with these South African girls in London, he became quite close to one and I think they had more than a friendship at one stage, probably slept together. Well, she returned home to South Africa, and we heard that she had been shot dead in a car jacking. It was awful. My ex said it was awful and sent me a text telling me about it. He just said "yeah it is fucked up." It made me question life, as death always does...but with him he just soldiered on and never mentioned it again, didn't seem very affected by it....weirdo!!! If my friend had died I would have been depressed for months.
Jul 12 - 7PM
Shareebles
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My exN's cousin had been

My exN's cousin had been recently murdered. ever since that happened, he wasnt the same. He wouldnt allow himself to feel happy with me, he wouldnt allow himself to fully love me, because he had been shaken, and he didnt see himself as manly anymore. He had to act like he was 'cool' and 'awesome'. One time there was an outburst of tears for like 2 hours with both of us just crying and crying....and thats when he first broke up with me...we got back together and then he broke up with me again. They handle death strangely..
Jul 12 - 7PM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

My ex had walked out of my

My ex had walked out of my life but was continuing to insist to me that everything was fine with us (being a coward and not telling me the truth I already knew, of course) when I saw an obituary in the newspaper for one of his immediate family members. I felt weird about calling him but decided that in this case, I needed to be the better person and offer my condolences. I got his voicemail - shocker - and left a message saying I was hoping this actually wasn't a member of his family whose obituary I'd seen, but if it was, I was really sorry. He called me back a WEEK later and said very nonchalantly, like I'd asked him if he'd had a good dinner, "Yeah, that was her." I'd forgotten that until now. I need to add that to my list of things about him that are clearly not normal behaviors.
Jul 12 - 6PM
Cgrl
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Sparrow

My god sparrow. I am so very sorry. It just takes my breath away when I read how some of you were just left. I was left in an instant too but you always think you are the only one and no one feels these intensecpains but you- then I come here and I see the reality of my devistation in the posts of people just like me. I'm afraid sometimes. Afraid I will not feel again but only fear. I feel fear always. He is 15 hours away but I feel fear. Fear of even looking at my profile on facebook. Fear he will email me. Death- I lost an ex boyfriend while we were living together. The ex was a great guy. He had his demons. My narc was totally cool the whole time when the family asked to see me as the ex and I remained very close. I say he was cool with it but actually he really had no reaction at all. Both his parents are dead and I actually think thirr deaths have left a very deep scar on him.
Jul 12 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Cgirl, I know how you feel.

Cgirl, I know how you feel. I told my exn that he wouldn't rob me of trust and he didn't. I met narc#2, and he robbed me of that. I still trusted after #1........amazing, but I did. Now.........I don't believe I ever will. Nor do I have a desire to. Fear, that I don't feel though. They can all kiss my lily white ass.......I say bring it on baby! This I know isn't healthy either, but it's how I feel. Maybe years to come, that will change, but for now I am just plain pissed.........no fear here. I mean really.......WHO THE HE'LL DO THEY THINK THEY ARE? I welcome either one to come to me through email........they do, doesn't bother me anymore. I turn it around and treat them EXACTLY how they treat me. Imagine that........and THEY keep coming back. ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!! Lol
Jul 12 - 6PM
ValiditySeeker
ValiditySeeker's picture

MY mom

Is a suspected N. When told of her cousin's death, she replied,"Well, that's good. He didn't have anything to live for anyway." Gulp.
Jul 12 - 6PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Exactly the same thing. We

Exactly the same thing. We were watching the Oscars on a Sunday night. The phone rang, my husband never answers the phone, ever! I muted the tv so he could talk/listen to his caller, all I heard him say is that was his Dad's wife, my Dad is in the hospital, he apparently chocked on his meal at a restaurant in NYC and now is brain dead............I just stared at him in disbelief.........he was surely in shock. I hurried upstairs while he made a few calls to his family and I packed an overnight bag for us and printed directions out to the hospital. Came downstairs to see him sitting on the couch, tv unmuted, I said "what are you doing"? He replied "watching the Oscars" I couldn't believe my ears.........I said "honey, get dressed, I have a bag packed, we are going to NYC to be with your Dad. He said that we didn't have to, I said oh the hell if we don't, you will never forgive yourself if we don't go. He got up, went to get dressed and the phone rang again, he had passed. A month later, my husband was gone. The storybook marriage, not one single solitary argument, not even a disagreement in all those years, the closest of friends we were, he left. A woman he worked with consoled him, he fell in love, and left.............never even blinked an eye. And never shed a tear for his Father.
Jul 12 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
veedoll
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omg

unbelievable .... yet believable!
Jul 12 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
dazed
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It never ceases to amaze me

It never ceases to amaze me what we all go through. Stories are similar but usually there is some variation and your story is no exception. Unique, personal, astounding and tragic. Did he just change that last month or were there signs all along? Sorry, I am not familiar with your story other than what you outlined above.
Jul 12 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Dazed

Thank you for your post. Nope, not one sign. EVERYONE wanted what we had..........it was perfect, even in his eyes, or at least he said. Every day he loved me, expressed it, never a day passed without him loving me.........Ha! Until after he left and my therapist turned me to the subject of narcissism......it all made perfect sense. I never saw the signs, was completely utterly, blindly in love with my best friend, partner in life......ignored it all. He never "mistreated me" that's how good he was......it was all so subtle. But, with my knowledge now.....I have a complete understanding as to why he had a fully loaded car, with everything you can imagine including heated seats and a backup camera......I was lucky to have power windows. I use to think how lucky I was that every gift given to me was an exotic vacation.........wow, no other girl was treated like me! I was soooooo lucky! Seriously? He benifited from every birthday, valentines day, christmas gift he ever gave me! Lol Smart cookie he was...........but I was smarter in the end. I took him to the cleaners. Now I take exotic vacations myself and he can barely give his OW a happy meal in the park. Karma baby!