Ns As Gift Givers? and Sense of humor?

My ex narc was very rich. Not in the beggining but he was very definite that I did not ask for a present ever and that I had to accpet what he bought me. he would not buy anything that was not a surprise. Once he bought me an eye liner. he saw how much I enjoyed it and after that he was very careful not to buy me anything liek that again. I believe he was afraid I would be a gold digger for his money.. My narc husband and gift giving..... OMG... We had a the vilest arguments, the most terrible conflicts.. but I fell into a fog of dismissal for a long time because he liked to remind me how he was not like my ex.. he knew my ex was wealthy and never bought me much.. so he used to say, how can he have ever loved you if he had all that money and never helped you with his money... so when ever he let rip, after we had been involved in a massive row, he would buy me something that was deeply entwined with the conversations we had about the things I wanted or dreamed of having.. Gagantuous gifts that cost a lot of money that he really doesn't have, all on credit... but how could one hate someone who cared so much that I had the gifts I had always dreamed of. And not just whimsical stuff, but really deeply meaningful stuff that made him seem so human and caring. Even now I am unsure as to how I can make him sound like a narc because these gifts go so deep in terms of how well he knew me.. a trip to the opera in a private box, a expensive piano, a expensive computer, books on subjects that I am deeply interested in.. But believe me he always brings it up. 'he wouldnt have done that would he your ex.. all that money and I am the one who bought you these things' he reminded me time and time again how gerneous he is/was too me. Every time I tried to tell him I wanted to end it he would buy me me something or set up something big to impress me. Its stopped now becasue I think its not a trick at his disposal now, credit is blown, and I have not got him out my house. He cant use it has a bargaining chip.. but ...yes.. gifts. well blow my mind.. what a wreck of a person I was becoming.. he bought me a piano that he would never give me any free time to play.. I always wanted a piano since I was child. He knew it.. and it worked.. I forgave him. how could someone who wanted to hurt me buy me something I had dreamt of since I was child. It confused my ideals.. I didnt know who or what he was... I still fear he will try to take it all back one day when it becomes useful to do so.. Scary...

My ex-N had the strangest way to give gifts ... he would NEVER have a gift for me on an appropriate occasion (b-day, v-day, christmas, anniversaries, etc). Instead, he'd guage my disappointment at being forgotten, and then "surprise" me with a gift a few weeks later. Darndest thing. Never could quite figure it out. Our second Valentine's Day together, we went out for dinner and I thought he would surprise me with something. He must have realized he he was on the hotseat because no sooner had we sat down, ordered the first course and a drink, that he keeled over in the middle of the restaurant clutching his chest. It was a nightmare. People fanning him, taking his pulse, paramedics arriving and carting him out of the restaurant and into an ambulance where they hooked him up to an ekg, took his blood pressure and said he was fine. Didn't even have to go to the hospital. They unhooked him, we climbed out of the ambulance, I got the car, drove him home and made soup. To this day, I think he created the diversion intentionally because he didn't have a gift and didn't want to pay for dinner. He did give me an alarm clock for Christmas ... one to replace mine that he said was "too jarring." What an ass.

For our first Christmas, he said he was going to give me a ring but he gave me a pair of five-inch heels and a set of kitchen knives. My ex-husband took the knives home with him last week because he was honestly afraid the N and I would be fighting one night and one of us grab a knife. He probably should have taken the shoes, too. Dangerous heels for sure.

My narcissistic former boss was actually nice to his employees sometimes--he'd make fudge at Christmas, he could be generous. He could be understanding about family obligations. He also had a sense of humor and could mock himself. He told a funny story about meeting a widow at an antique fair. She wanted to burn her wedding dress because it had a stain on it--but he told her to give it to a drag queen. Now, my Ex-Psychopathic professor was NOT generous. In the 4 years of our "relationship",he gave gifts once--when he sensed I might leave. I anonymously received a dozen roses, a box of chocolates--and a birthday card with the picture of an angry little boy on it (how fitting-isn't anger one of the P's primary emotions?) It happened my junior year. My ex-Psychopathic professor was humorless. He saw humor as a "defense mechanism",NEVER joked about himself (or hardly ever did), and he HATED the fact that he was the butt of students' jokes. He did not like being mocked. His "jokes" were incredibly lame.

The ex had wickedly good facetious humor and it could be self-directed in careful sorts of ways. He was very big on gift-giving:jewelry, clothes and prided himself on being able to pick out beautiful shoes for me (they always fit). He does have excellent taste. I know a lot of it was that he wanted to impress. Getting me expensive status things said what he wanted to convey to others, and he liked to point out the things he'd picked out for me. He also could only stay at fine hotels, had to have a status car, interior had to be out of a magazine (and, in fact, was in a national mag--and he blatantly took all the credit lol). I admit that this all swept me off my feet and I really enjoyed what was a glamorous exciting life. At some point though the bloom was off the rose and I realized how thin a veneer it all was. Didn't care about any of it anymore, but it was still vitally important to him. In many ways he was like a smart, snarky gay stereotype straight out of Sex and the City. The one you want to have help you pick out a new outfit then sit at a swanky cool bar over cosmos dishing gossip. It's such a relief to be out of it--the gifts became pressure, the humor was too often at someone else's expense.

Mine lacked in the area of gift giving b/c he knew nothing about me. He never paid attention enough to know what i would like or not like so he just didnt give. Plus he is just to damned selfish and greedy to give it up. His sense of humor only showed it ugly head when he was makking fun of others. I too make fun of myself on a daily bases. He never got that humor, he took it as a serious character flaw in me. What a joke. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

I have a similar sense of humor and no, I can't recall my N of thirty plus years ever making a joke at his expense. My favorite gift was given to me on Valentine's Day the year my mom was in the hospital for eight months. Pots and Pans. Nothing screams romance louder than pots and pans. He did give me a really nice pair of yellow gold earrings once. I never wear yellow gold. But we'd only been married for 15 or 20 years at the time -- so how would he know. lol

funny enough my exh and exn were very genorous too me,and both were mean men to other people, all i can think is i am more of a giver myslf and have a real problem accepting anything from anyone, they knew this so i think that was there control i sold everything exh gave me [jewelery] after divorce, and returned exn gifts by mail.

from nm, i got a diary with jan feb march filled in by her when i spoke to her she said just tear those months out you didnt need themlol