Ns get miserable when they get older... is it true?

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Nov 3 - 8AM
aceonelady's picture

misery bussiness,,,,

My ex N is 43 years old,and told me in the begin from our liaison that he was only happy the year his mum moved from Tulsa to Vegas with him and his brother and 4 sisters,they stayed for a year and that was the happiest time in his life,because his mum turned into a much caring and happy person,but then he got very ill and she couldn't cope and they moved bck to Tulsa and the hell started again...beatings,abuse etc...she dumped him at his grandma's(his fathers mum )and never looked back again till he was a teenager,then she would smoke pot and drink whisky with him....i think this story is one of the reasons that i really did try too hard to stay with him....aint life a bitch....


Nov 3 - 6AM
jaycee's picture

mine is bordering misery

mine is bordering misery, not old enough yet, but hes up and down, somedays hes so happy and other days miserable, hes on a roll for five days hes been happy, things are better over there i guess, so hes still carrying on the charade, but with a more pleasant attitude...Jaycee


Nov 3 - 5AM
tica's picture

yes age

catches up with the N, my XNH spiraled so quickly, I did not know what was happening..all the shame caught up with him, he loathed himself, women, his mother...but still loved or as close as he could come to it, me and and 2 children..they were 18/16 when he started going down..by the time they were 19/17, he had disappeared...up until that point, he told total strangers and family members that he was dying of cancer..then he would break down in tears and speak about killing himself, we had to divorce, for my own fianancial security, because he just started ordering credit cards and maxing them out..we had to sell our beautiful home, and I let him sleep in the guest house because by then he was living on the streets like a homeless bum, a handsome intelligent man, looked deranged and dirty, and manic, he walked around in the backyard with a loaded gun to his head and would tell me this is it..I learned to not react, because that would cause a reaction..eventually, he left..yes, for the better.,,for all 3 of us, but the big ???? of the town..just like a Narc, people still talk and ask about him...very sad disorder
Nov 2 - 11AM
chromey's picture

They absolutely get worse

I am fresh to this site and in fact only very recently finally have a name to put on what I have lived with i'm sorry to say the better part of my life. My mother is an N and I was the scapegoat child. My father was an enabler. I have been no contact with them for several years now and truly don't miss them. So what do I do? You guessed it, I get involved with a N guy. I realize that I found a kind of sick comfort level in him. Pretty pathetic really. Anyway, he is tall, slender and well built, handsome, quite wealthy, charming and humorous when he wants to be. A girls dream. (He would just love to read this) He is accustomed to women noticing him and getting what he wants. He lied about his age when we first met 9 years ago, I guess that should have been a first clue. He is now 57 years old and I have actually seen him get angry when some twenty something year old cutie didn't notice him. OH Brother! Who's pathetiic now! His sources of NS have dwindled and he is feeling the pain. He is noticiably more depressed, angry,complaining and his rages are more frequent and out of control. He has completely alienated friends, co-workers and myself. Nobody can stand to be around him. He talks about death all the time lately which is a real pick me up for anyone who has to listen to him. So, yes they do get worse with age, much worse. Just one more thing to look forward to with an N
Nov 6 - 6PM (Reply to #24)
Susan32's picture

Talking about death all the time....

The ex-Psych professor was the same way and he was only 32 when I first met him. He had a morbid fixation with suicide. He'd talk about how he was destroying himself. His reputation among my classmates was that he was a "mean drunk" (I saw him drink a few times--but then again, I NEVER saw his apartment in 4 years) He had a sick fascination with death, but suicide was his favorite topic, and he was profoundly paranoid. He'd come up with elaborate paranoid plots in his mind... that didn't exist. One of his favorite authors was John Kennedy Toole, who committed suicide. John Kennedy Toole lost his job as a professor because of his increasingly bizarre and paranoid behaviors... and the ex-P was afraid it was going to happen to him. John Kennedy Toole was deathly afraid that people were stealing his manuscripts, copying them, and selling them... the ex-P feared THE SAME THING when I saw his "Wittgenstein, Tolstoy and the Meaning of Life" on the internet. One of his favorite comedies was a show called "Slings and Arrows" (it's just been put onto Blu-Ray) about a dysfunctional Shakespeare company, and he compared himself to the "brilliant and troubled" director who spends his time mocking people because he hasn't met his potential. Isn't that what Ns/Ps remain, POTENTIAL??? It's not like the OW was his Muse who inspired him to because a famous philosopher, you hear him on the radio, or that he's published loads of books... Really, you haven't heard of him...
Oct 28 - 5PM
onwithmylife's picture

Stay strong,

well here is where i can speak from experience, as my EXN is in his later 60's and when I wrote him a month or so ago saying maybe he should revisit his relationship with his mother, therein may lie the key to his relationships with the 5 important women in his life including me,he wrote me a hateful, vile letter calling me a slut, whore, offering free sex on the internet, first come, first served, in my "desperate and depraved condition" and going to buy a computer and webcam and do cybersex with it, all HIS words in the letter, There you have his state of mind, a pathetic man reduced to cybersex, which I would NEVER do in a million years, I like the REAL thing, so here he is a bitter, hateful, vengeful man in a desperate and depraved condition, living an isolated,life in a tiny town , where no one really knows him, remember they speak about themselves when they say such things. He never once addressed my thoughts about his mother, not once.ALWAYS throwing back stuff onto you without any self awareness as to what Ihad said to him, it is amazing how these men operate.
Oct 31 - 6PM (Reply to #22)
Susan32's picture

The ex-Psych professor said something similar...

While I was grieving my grandfather (this was my first semester of college, far from my family in Oregon), the ex-P loved regaling his circle of male disciples, telling them that I'd "die alone, raving hysterically at the walls." To my face, he told me that he loved the idea of me "languishing, abandoned, dying in tears." Yeah... this is coming from the mouth of a teacher, not even a boyfriend/lover/husband. He looooved telling his male disciples how I pined for him. What's weird is he dangled males in front of me instead of other women (the latter seems to be the normal case, from what other posters have said) He even called me "desperate,depraved and shallow." Thank goodness he hasn't contacted me in a decade. Guess I've been like Athena's Mirror Shield* *In the myth of Perseus, the hero uses the mirror-shield to show Medusa her own reflection. She turns to stone.
Oct 28 - 6PM (Reply to #18)
staystrong.10.10's picture

your exN onwithmylife

wow, your exN is really miserable then... He is now a lonely lonely man... wow, that is scary. my mom always says "the scariest thing that can ever happen at the end of your life is to die alone. thank goodness I have your dad" they are in their 70s and they still love each other so much (they even hold hands when they go out!) onwithmylife, you N is going to die alone! i'm sorry to say this... but that is just sad...
Oct 28 - 6PM (Reply to #19)
onwithmylife's picture

stay strong

You are so right, he will die alone, unless a major epiphany takes place in his life, we can always hope to God such a thing may happen.........by the way he has 5 children grown and only one keeps in touch ,on his terms, and for his 5 relationships, guess what? it is ALL the womens fault, even though he is the common denominator.Go figure............i asked him once if he would rather be right or happy, he said right and that is where he ends up...............a very telling question to ask anyone..
Oct 28 - 9PM (Reply to #21)
loveofmylife's picture

Great question!

I'm sure mine would say "right" too. And he would rather be self righteous and choose what he thinks is the self righteous decision and make a choice of an inantimate object over our relationship. I always felt like "the company" was more important than me....and that was sickening. If I ever have the chance to ask this question, I will - but very good one!
Oct 28 - 7PM (Reply to #20)
Susan32's picture

Better being happy than right...

My former Narc boss once said he'd rather be happy than right. Oh well, more human the former Psych professor... go figure... Compared to the ex-P, the ex-N boss is one notch below Mother Teresa.
Oct 28 - 3PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Now that I'm putting the pieces together

The N's father was an abuser, no question or doubt about it. During my fog period, I thought the apple fell far from the tree...humph! N used to complain that they'd be HOURS late, heck I noticed they'd be HOURS late because N's father would stand in the mirror for HOURS trimming his moustache???!!! Seriously, plans for lunch around 1pm...they'd show up 7:45 and always due to this man standing in the mirror for HOURS??? I'm not kidding! N's mother, the self made matyr/masochist claimed, she was going crazy because he'd gotten worse with the abuse. I tried to help her, but she loves it too much...I got labeled a bitch!...Humph! Anyhow, that was my proof in the pudding that they do get worse. He's paranoid as hell, she can't leave the house, can't talk to her kids, shoot, can't take a crap without his approval! I'd like to think though that in addition to becomming worse, their penises retract! HA! But, I'm STILL in a good mood. Even more so now that I can branwash myself that in fact, this does happen...may have already happened with the Narc...he's older than me...nanananana
Oct 28 - 1PM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

Dont think they do

Dont think they do necesarily. Think they can get very set in there ways and become quite comfortable being solitary soul. they suck energy form people all the way ot he end and that enegry keeps some of them going strong.. I know an narc who is in 50's. He used to be a herion addict who abused woman. then he found "GOD' and yoga.. he is like this now... super fit, young looking (from never taking on the stresses of the world that we all have to face) agile, does shady deals and makes alot of money, no relationships becasue of his work, had one relationship recently that didnt last.. Is invloved with loads of woman who are spiritual healers that think he is truly devine soul and dont know hoe he makes his money. He spouts spirtual stuff and sounds liek a genuine caring person. To people who dont know him, he looks like a really healthy happy older man who is enjoying his life.. he travels around the world to crystal conventions and studies homeopathy. he had all his maulled teeth (from the herion) removed and implants put it... he spent thousands on it, to keep his youthful appearance. He genuinely looks and seems satisfied with his life. hours of meditation, retreats and yoga. He has kids that he never linked up with until they were adults.. and he reaps the benefits of those adult relationships that he never put anything into when they were young and needed him.. he really seems to be happy.. He is NOT narly or miserable like you speak of. Once my depressed friend came to my house.. he is supposed to be a crystal healer.. right.. I said to him, that my friend was comign over who has severe mental health problems. he said to me ' good luck with that' like saying, 'yea, you do that, but I wouldn't touch it' he believes (like my narc husband who is his mate) that he has to keep all the 'toxic' people out his life at all costs. Now there is difference between keeping out toxic people and supporting friends who needs your help' God if my mates had disowned me when all this was going on because my energy was bad for them, then I would be very screwed... He said it becasue he has no comapssion. And he is supposed to be a healer.. Of course 'cystal healer' is his cover.. SO no they dont all get miserable, some of them enjoy being alone, being right, being in control without anyone to come between them and there meeting there own needs...
Oct 28 - 5PM (Reply to #15)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I'm so amused

By how many addicts find "GOD" after they're done destroying! I give credit to the addicts that really do try to improve themselves, but I am disgusted because I envision my narc finding "God" after he's completed his missions. One of my favorite lines in the middle of one of many meltdowns exasperated demanding an explanation or an apology: "I just couldn't live up to your expectations, I have to forgive myself" I can't tell you guys how low my expectations were due to my "unconditional" love. Never again... BUT, I'm still in a good mood, and he's not going to change that...at least not today!
Oct 28 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
staystrong.10.10's picture

qing yuan

after I read your post, makes me sad... I really wish that they will finally taste their own medicine. oh, i hate them even more now!!!! they don't deserve to be happy!!!! because they don't have any feelings!!!!
Oct 28 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

I dont think he is really

I dont think he is really happy, not really, A older man with no partner, and millions of woman friends who dont want a relationship with him. he has a ropy business that means he sleeps in his living room. he cant take a woman to his house because of his ropy business. he forfeits money and wealth for relationship and a loving family unit. He probabaly looks happy on the outside but I bet inside he has the self doubts that all narcs have. The biggy is this.... Living life like an android, going through the motions is one way of living but is not truly living. Dont think for one minute I am painting an idyllic life.. It may be stress free and he may have wealth and access to many things in life that we dont.. But its not real. Its an illusion of satisfaction, of perfection... you and I both know, money and holidays are a poor substitute for love and affection, for light and peace and sharing and hope.. with a family or a lover.. He is a robot of a man... So dont be sad, just be aware that they might not all end up narly and broken on the outside,, but on the inside, they all end up lonely.. I think he just accepts that he is never gona meet anyone who will be able to put up with him and so he just gets on with it...
Oct 28 - 4PM (Reply to #14)
staystrong.10.10's picture


thanks qing yuan! understood what you're saying now! again, he's wearing his mask, FAKE FAKE FAKE!!!
Oct 28 - 12PM
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

Well As He Gets Older...if He is NOT Miserable

..I fully intend to make sure that he IS... :-) You didn't hear that from me! :-)
Oct 28 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
staystrong.10.10's picture

the girlfriend!

hahaha! i just want you to know that you made me laugh!!! thanks for the laugh! xoxo
Oct 28 - 12PM
hopefuljms's picture

Mine complained all the

Mine complained all the time. It became like white noise, I would just think blah blah blah... He hated his job (he should have been taken more seriously), his kids (with the exW) didn't respect him, his health was always crappy (what a suprise)...The last real conversation we had was him saying how miserable he was and that he was going into therapy to get his head on straight and come back to me... ALL LIES! He was already engaged and had been for several years. When I finally found out he rushed this poor girl to the alter. She has married a pathological liar and I feel really sorry for her!
Oct 28 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
staystrong.10.10's picture

glad it is not you any more

hopefuljms, just happy that you are feeling sorry for someone else now, cuz, you are out!! you don't need to deal w his bullshit any more!!!
Oct 28 - 11AM
wholeagain's picture

Don't know about in general

But from what I can tell from my own situation, it seems as though when they get older two things happen: 1) they're no longer able to get the supply they did when they were younger; 2) the karma from many many years of messing with people's minds and lives, and not being authentic, comes back to bit them big time. I think they find themselves with few friends, their career prospects may suffer, their love life may suffer, they look for help but won't get the generous outpouring that they feel they so rightly deserve. The ex was often generous, however what he doesn't realize is how freakin' obvious the price tag was. He helped you and then expected eternal gratitude and worship for it, also he may call it in later. So there's my .02. I've seen the ex's life just go completely haywire since I left, in every respect. It's been shocking really.
Oct 28 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
Susan32's picture

And former supply might mess with them...

By comparing them to their autistic students and infant relatives! There's ONE THING the ex-Psych professor hated HATED HATED. Being ridiculed. His "humor" was merciless, cruel, and crass. The joke is now on him. I find it ironic (I made this observation 9 years ago,when I found out the news) that the ex-P,who HATED the elderly and little kids, had BOTH his elderly parents AND his young kids living with him. The ex-P would refer to the elderly as "disgusting" and how "stupid" kids were. Pure contempt. I think karma DESERVES the holiday pay, the bonus pay... she earned it.
Oct 28 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
staystrong.10.10's picture

Karma is a much bigger bitch i can ever be!!

wholeagain, I totally believe in Karma. I really believe where something goes around comes around. and I really hope that they will get theirs sooner or later!!! But so far, mine's been getting away from all sorts of stuff that he's done - don't know why, it never catches up on him. :\
Oct 28 - 11AM
Used's picture


my exh became known asthis miserable sod of an actor who was in a sitcom in uk...i wont write the name...but the actor words were...I DONT BELIEVE IT, and he never stopped moaning and always had a long face.... he b/c a cult figure here..the actor i mean, not my exh....well only in his own mindlol.....he didnt stop moaning from morning till night, then had the cheek to say...oh well mustnt grumble......he never stopped..
Oct 28 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
staystrong.10.10's picture

used, i wish i know who he is!

i like british sitcoms. i guess, forget about being either middle aged or older aged, they are always miserable!
Oct 28 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
Used's picture

misery part2

yes and the narc always had a face like thunder, and we were out one day and saw one of his wfriends..lol and she said you dont look too happy and he said.... i am the most miserable f;;ker you will ever know... i am never happy...so i walked into a shop...so he could then ask her for her phone number...which he did..and i came out and said all sorted you sad sod..... he was realy indignant....i was well onto him by then...i am laughing now. i wasent then!!!!FUNNY enough i think i made him even more miserable.... by then instead of stroking his ego... i kept hammering at it.. i even was upfront and said why are you still wanting to be friends, and i relized he would listen to any thing i said as long as i didnt let him go..