Now I have the urge to text him to tell him what I finally discovered about him!

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#1 Oct 20 - 9PM

Eliza

Now I have the urge to text him to tell him what I finally discovered about him!

Countless times I gave up times to be with my kids, friends I lost because he was my life...I want to expose him to him self...Guessing it won't help but I feel I need some satisfaction letting him know I won't be duped ever again....
Any suggestions how to get the satisfied feeling without contact?

#2 Oct 21 - 10PM

ClusterF

It's one of the hardest things

They want us to talk to them. This continues the cycle of manipulation. And for the victim, especially when anger overtakes pain and loss, the feeling of frustration that you experience from not being able to find some verbal retribution can be overwhelming. It's better than re-engaging them and that has to be good enough. Not a nice answer but I think it's accurate.

#3 Oct 21 - 10AM

Nicole96

Not a good idea!

If anything HE WILL ATTACK BACK and deny anything you say! It may seem like it will help you but it will do more harm to you than good.

#4 Oct 21 - 9AM

Susan32

"Struggling with my narcissism"

Well, at least the ex-Psych professor said those very words my freshman year(!) Some sort of perverse self-awareness? The difference is that Narcs have consciences, while Psychs are more cold and calculating (the ex-P was definitely the latter) He also said that he admired narcissists, accused me of being one, a word salad. There ARE people who do struggle with doing the right thing, I thought this was an honest confession of weakness. No way.

#5 Oct 21 - 9AM

helldweller

never ever sorry

Believe me, Eliza. They never see themselves. Never. When I stole my narc's phone and five different women called him between midnight and seven a.m. all he had to say was that I had violated his privacy. Not one word about any of them, not one speck of information explaining why five different women were calling in the middle of the night saying "I love you" and "I miss you" and calling him "baby" and "honey." Not one bit of interest in my horror that after four years none of these "friends" knew I existed. They are not sorry for anything except that you maybe made things a bit inconvenient temporarily. I know mine was just inconvenienced because he had to tell a few more lies to these women to get their trust back. They will not bend. To do so would be to admit that the way you see the universe is the right way. They can't do that. They can't let you be stablizied. They will keep up the charade until they die.

#6 Oct 21 - 1AM

Briseis

I'm wondering if you have a

I'm wondering if you have a certain expectation of him, if you were to tell him all this stuff. You hope to "show him to himself". Even normal folks (non narcs) have a hard time having their covers pulled. I doubt he would accept anything like this from you. He has contempt for you (they have contempt for everyone), he doesn't trust or respect you (Narcs are incapable of these). Believe me, I still want to do this myself. I'm completely convinced it will do nothing, maybe not even do ME any good. It's normal to wish very much to do this. It's just something you'll have to take on faith. It's hopeless. You'll get no validation from him. You won't get through, none of us on this board ever have. Be satisfied that silence and indifference are the worst thing you could do to a Narc. It reminds them of what empty, soulless creatures they secretly know they are.

#7 Oct 21 - 1AM

almostlydia

It is the worst isn't it?

It is the worst isn't it? Just wanting to say it LOUD and clear. but they don't hear. what they hear is 'oh, another chance to f*ck with the mind of the little women'. That's what they hear. There is a great satisfaction to not responding when those texts start coming in. Most often they will eventually. It's so hard, and I failed so often. But in the midst of his big opportunity to 'play' me again I would just not respond anymore. I have to wonder now, who was playing who, but eventually, I found my satisfaction in being NC. I had 10 yrs of history, it was slow going but I found my way there. almostlydia

almostlydia

#8 Oct 21 - 12AM

ACgirl

Ignore him, just like the song..."The Sound of Silence"

I have learned in the past the best thing to do is to ignore him. Yes, that means no contact. But Narcs always seem to want to connect or come back. So the next time you hear from him, don't respond. I have learned the hard way that is the best thing you can do to feel better. It also sends a loud message. It's like the song goes..."The Sound Of Silence". xoxo ACgirl

#9 Oct 20 - 11PM

not-an-idiot

There's no point

I tried to explain to a narc that he needed mental help and was a toxic person. I'd explained all of his traits out and that they are unhealthy to me and us and his friends. It was all done without saying that it's NPD and in a serious way. It was a huge failure! It got turned around to be all my fault. In his eyes, his mind is a beautiful diamond. There was so much rage and another D & D. I got nowhere & it wasn't worth it. Then again, when is what we say to them worth anything?

#10 Oct 20 - 10PM

blueeyes

Yes...

Your not tense in your shoulders because he is in the house and refuses to leave NORMALLY. You don't have to carry your HEAVY purse around because if you leave it he will steal your daughters ADD pills. You have none of the craziness! I want to be you right now.

#11 Oct 20 - 10PM

Janet

Post it here. Having been

Post it here. Having been there, we can all relate. He doesn't care what he is, or what you think he is... he has a mental disorder and there is no reasoning with him. He will not suddenly see the light. But you have seen the light. Although it is a long process there are better days ahead! Peace. J

Peace. J

#12 Oct 20 - 10PM

Disillusionedx2

Revelations....

Who hasn't wanted to go AHA, I now know what the heck is wrong with you, allow me to N-lighten you, lol. Puhlease, no such monkey with these jokers, they still don't/won't get it. Doesn't matter what you have learned or heard regarding their behavior, past behaviors, they will have an excuse prepared to denounce it or rage out of control and accuse you of only GOD knows what, this one accused me of "investigating" him, lol, it really wasn't that serious but he thought it was. When I have had a strong urge to tell the N something I have learned via text, I prepare it with no address because you may send it by accident, lol, I just let it sit in the draft/outbox until the urge pass. It will, eventually, then delete it, as time go on, you will no longer give a hoot, it will be your own private joy, best wishes.

stay~strong

#13 Oct 20 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

blueeyes

Telling him

doesn't work. They turn it and have the Dr thinking your NUTS!

#14 Oct 21 - 7AM (Reply to #3)

Eliza

Thank you all! I know you

Thank you all! I know you are all right- sometimes you have to hear it over and over-it is so hard when I fAll asleep and wake thinking of him.....and how much emotional energy I have wasted.......

#15 Oct 22 - 4AM (Reply to #9)

michele115 (not verified)

Eliza

Just so you know, you are not alone. I for the life of me can honestly say I don't love him or miss him don't want him...but six weeks NC this Sunday, and STILL i wake up with him on my mind and fall asleep...I don't know why, but I just deal with the fact he's gonna be there a while...Just glad I don't miss him. Sometimes I get really pissed! Sometimes very sad - more for the trauma I guess not because I want him. I'd only want to see him to maybe rip his head off and crap down his neck - otherwise, he can carry on in his narcdom. You are not alone. Don't call him to tell him - somehow they are universally ordained to diagnose us as Bi-polar or Borderline. While normal men get "erections" Narcs get projections...you don't want that its not in the least bit arousing...LOL

#16 Oct 25 - 1AM (Reply to #10)

Disillusionedx2

very clever m..

funny, and so true, lol. The common denominator seems to be "diagnosing" us as bye-polar/schizoid or wutevr, I said to it, you have all the nerve callin me "bye-polar" and can't even spell it....lol, they are some nasty pieces of work I tell ya!

stay~strong

#17 Oct 21 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

blueeyes

ElizaI tried to tell him what he was

Well, I told him and the therapist told him also. He didn't listen. It was a waste! Then, out of desperation, he asks me to give him a book or website on NPD? WOW! I posted that on this board and I was told "make him do it." They were right. He was trying to manipulate me into thinking that he will address and be cured from NPD and this would make me "go back" to being the girl who accepted him. Does that make sense?

#18 Oct 21 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

Eliza

It does make sense! I am now

It does make sense! I am now realizing there is no cure! So no matter what he will never change! I need to remind myself constantly! And you are all right - he will just turn it around and make me think I am the crazy one! Thank you so much!

#19 Oct 21 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

anonymous

Eliza - NPD isn't something to be cured

Hi Eliza - welcome to the board. One thing that you will learn as you begin your process of educating yourself is that a personality disorder isn't an illness. There is no 'cure'. A person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder doesn't HAVE a disorder, he IS a disorder. I know it's hard to comprehend, but there's nothing to cure in him. To cure him would be to dissemble his entire personality structure, which is fixed, rigid, inflexible and embedded in him. To do that would mean he is no longer himself. This is why therapy for these individuals, if they ever seek it, which is rarely, is useless. Often it's the THERAPIST who needs therapy after 'treating' the Narc because they themselves become victims of the narcissist's cycle of idealization, devaluation and discarding. Read all that you can. And first and foremost, understand that these are HIS issues to own, NOT yours and you were in no way responsible for his bad upbringing, his disorder, his crap... Good luck

#20 Oct 22 - 4AM (Reply to #8)

michele115 (not verified)

Morty

I must be manic because I'm feeling a sense of peace but reading your post and laughing because it is soooo true. They say good comedy is good because people relate. I loved: Hi Eliza - welcome to the board. One thing that you will learn as you begin your process of educating yourself is that a personality disorder isn't an illness. There is no 'cure'. A person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder doesn't HAVE a disorder, he IS a disorder. Main Idea: HI WELCOME HE'S A DISORDER! Why am I so amused?....LORD help me! Hugs.

#21 Oct 21 - 10AM (Reply to #4)

chickon2

I needed to read all of these

responses.. I have wanted to tell him too.. and I really HATE that they won't listen... Or that they don't care..

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