Not your blow up doll's story

I'm trying to let my long time narc go. Here's my story...

I fell for my narc hard. He was amazingly charming and so good to me. Over time, he got so controlling without me even knowing what was happening. Seemingly overnight, I stopped socializing with friends, volunteering at my kids' school, and now owned an "approved" wardrobe. He said that he needed sex every 48 hours at the most. If He had to wait longer than that, life was awful. He looked at other women on tv and in person, and felt no shame or remorse for doing so in front of me. He said "all guys are like that," which I believed. I thought there had to be something wrong with me. After being married for 13 years, I literally broke down and took a leave of absence from work for six months. I discovered his affair with a girl half his age, who also has the same first name as I do. I took him back after he moved out to be with her for a short time. Then he did it again, moved out to be with her, and then moved back home while I was visiting family with my kids fornthe holidays last year. I let him stay and tried to work it out. I've been in therapy weekly for 18 months. He would occasionally go but all we would talk about was what was wrong with me, how our kids took up our time, and how I didn't make him feel,special.m well, he moved out again and now has been gone for over six months. He has lied for divorce, and I have counter filed. I still wish he would see the light and be willing to work on himself. I feel like our marriage is "brain dead" being kept alive by artificial means. And I can't imagine what it is really like to do this, but I fell like I can't turn that support off and let him go. What if tomorrow he sees how he is wrong? What if he could finally get it, but if I sign the papers, I will never know? I want my marriage to be healthy, and for my kids to see us work it out. But I'm happy without all his abuse, yet can't move forward. I hope I find support and encouragement here so I can finally move on.

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