Not sure what I feel about the twisted things he did

So I have been spinning since N stopped by unexpectedly last week Saturday, I don't want to contact him, I know what he is all about but now when I look back at my list of things he did wrong (around 100 if not more) it is hurting me. The things he said I know aren't true and one thing in particular makes me sick to my stomach and besides sad, angry I don't know what to feel I guess.

We were at an arcade two years ago and he tried to use my son as bait to get the clerk's phone number, trying to be cute by having him ask for her number instead of whatever prize he was trying to pick out with his tickets, and trying to use it as a joke. Wow, I was an idiot.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say here beside the fact that I hate him. I accept that I fell in love with a mirage, not him. When will this get easier? It was and now it's not again. But this time it's different bc I don't want him, it's haunting.