Not sure if he is a Narc... or just insecure? Please help me figure this fool out!
Not sure if he is a Narc... or just insecure? Please help me figure this fool out!
I need some help understanding what is going on... it's a long story, which I haven't shared yet... but I am having a hard time understanding what is going on with my situation. There are so many familiar things I am hearing on this site about my Narc's behavior, but so many things that are so NOT him. For example, he is NOT the flashy, loud, attention-getting type of guy at all. He actually comes across as quiet and shy when you first meet him... he doesn't drive a flashy car or live in a flashy house, even though he could afford to. He doesn't appear to have an "inflated ego", at least not in the sense that I keep reading about. In fact, I have asked him many times in the past, what is his favorite quality about himself, and he said he doesn't have one.. I would pry to say, just one? you can't think of one good quality? And he would say no, not really. I would list a few good qualities I could see in him (he's smart, he's funny, he's a good dad, etc) and he would just say "ya I guess...". He actually seemed at times to me to have the opposite of an outer inflated ego; maybe even a little on the insecure side himself. I always thought he was so handsome and he made me laugh, and I would tell him often because I really felt it and I wanted him to believe in himself, etc.
The confusion is, things can be going great between us... and then it seems like if something happens that he doesn't like (which is 10000% unpredictable), he just *poof* disappears like Houdini. We have a long distance thing going on for (sick to say) almost 10 years now. It is a long embarrassing story (for me) that I will somehow gather the courage (& time) to share one day. But I can't tell if he is really a Narc, or just really over sensitive and can't handle dealing with ANYTHING that is outside of his comfort zone.
If I am always available to him when he has time to chat, things are mostly fine and cool... everything will be going great... and then I go away to the lake (45 mins from where I live) on Labor Day weekend with my daughter and some close friends of ours who have a house out there, and I tell him about it and he's suddenly like great have a great one, and disappears?? So I text him over the weekend saying hey I miss you, how's your weekend going? Wish you were here, etc and he just literally never responds to me and ignores me all weekend. I don't get it?? Everything was going fine before I told him I was going to the lake for the weekend (because he asked me what I had going on for the 3-days off).
Sadly, most of our communication is via instant messaging or phone - mostly text... so on Tuesday when he is back to work and "online", I try to chat him up, ask how is weekend was, etc... and he just pretty much said a word here and there and then said he would be right back and never said another word to me again (even though he was "online" all day. So I kind of got the message that he seemed upset, and I really wasn't even sure why. So I just backed off of him for a couple of days.. and then he texted me a few days later asking where I was. I told him it seemed like he was upset with me and I wasn't sure why so I just thought I would give him some space, and poof - vanishes again.
This seems to be becoming a pattern with him... I just don't get it? Now I feel like I have to read everything I am saying to him 2898454 times before sending it because I am afraid he will wig out and go dark again.
He's never been outright cruel to me, as I have heard with some of the awful stories of what some have been through here.. but reading through these and thinking about things clearly, there have been "things".... like, after the first time we slept together (back in 2005), he said I was the best sex he ever had, and that if my boobs were a little bigger, I would definitely be a "10". I have a small frame, and my boobs are consistent with the rest of me - small but perky. When he told me that, it did deff strike me as odd that any one would say something like that lol (btw I was I think 23 at the time... he was older), but I just remember telling him that I happened to like my boobs just the way they were and that I was sorry he didn't, and he said no no, they're great.. just if they were bigger is all I was saying... and then he denied ever saying one time when he said he would never insult me and I brought it up.
Another time when I spent the weekend with him last year... I was there for a conference and he came in to spend the 2 and 1/2 days with me. I am a young professional woman in my industry full of older men, and get a lot of "attention" from these men at trade shows and what not... but it is ONLY on a very platonic nature. I have never crossed the line and have no interest in doing so. Anyway, long story short, I had to go to a dinner mtg/welcome cocktail reception, and before I went, he and I went out and did some shopping and spent some time walking around the beautiful city. We came back to my room so I could change for the reception I had to be at, and someone had had roses delivered to my room "anonymously" and they were on the desk with note just saying from "anonymous" - My first reaction was that HE sent them to the room for me... so I said Aww did you send these to me? and he said No. Then I said how weird, I wonder who sent these. Creepy. And he said it was cute and I said no, actually that's a little creepy for me. I'm glad you're here and just laughed it off (although I actually was little skeezed about it really lol).
So the plan was, I was to attend this reception for like 2 hours, and then we were going to meet up for dinner/drinks and our last night together before I left. So I texted him when I was done and asked him where he was and he said "where is your secret admirer?". I said lol who cares, where do you want to have dinner?" and he said "do you still want to?" I told him of course I do and he said ok, well meet me at the hotel bar (which is funny, bc I had told him earlier that I did NOT want to hang out in the hotel bar because a lot of customers and folks from the meeting were all hanging out and partying there and I didn't want to be there with all of them). So I had to remind him again that I didn't want to hang out in the bar, and he finally agreed to meet me outside the hotel so we could walk someplace else. He was acting a little strangely with me when we first met up and I hugged him and kissed him and made sure he knew I wanted to be there with HIM and only him! He kept saying "you don't have to baby sit me, I know you have other options, etc" and I would tell him "Are you crazy right now? I don't think you understand. I am NOT interested in anything other than being here with YOU!! Like, can't you see that? etc etc". So this convo went on as we were walking to the restaurant, and within 2minutes of sitting down, out of literally nowhere, he looks at me and says "_____ are you bipolar?" I'm like, uhh, come again? He said "are you bipolar?" lol and I said "umm, what? what are you talking about? what do you mean?" and he just said, well I know some people who are bipolar including some of my family and it seems like you may be.. WHAT??? I just started kind of laughing and said okaaaaaaaay lol, why do you think that? and he said, I don't know, just thought I would ask? and that was that... then he literally just started looking at the menu and asking me what I wanted to eat... I thought it was really frigging weird and I was puzzled by it, and then thinking What did I do? Like, rehashing through everything I said and did the whole time we had been together those couple of days and couldnt' think of anything at all or why he would have said that. And again, at that moment, it was our last evening together for a while and I just wanted to enjoy it. But it still does bother me (that was a year ago now..). In fact, HE was the one that seemed like he was upset with ME because some weirdo sent flowers to my room. Why would he start asking me if I was bipolar? I didn't even do anything lol
I'm sorry for rambling, but I cannot make sense of this. he can be soooo great and nice and charming, funny, a total gentleman... he has never been outwardly "cruel" to me or put me down really... or maybe he has.. I don't even know anymore. All I know is that it seems like everything I say can upset him. he will never admit it though. Like, my going to the lake seems like it upset him... but i'm not sure.. and when he gets "seemingly upset" and vanishes for a while I have tried to ask him what is wrong and he has never once ever told me. He has almost 100% of the time always said He is not mad. he is never mad. he doesn't ever get mad. but I feel like he is? Why else would he just quit talking to me, like literally in the middle of a conversation - it could be 9am, and he will literally just stop talking and never say another word to me for the rest of the day and sometimes even for days after. Then later when he starts talking again he just says oh no I wasn't mad, just busy, work, kids, whatever, fill in the blanks.
What am I dealing with here? Also, I have told him many times that it really hurts me when he just cuts me off and disregards my texts or attempts at talking to him. But it seems like he just keeps doing it all the time if I say something that he doesn't like. Do you think he is jealous if I am doing other things or spending time having fun with friends? What is the deal? Is he a narc?
I know I still have a lot to learn here about all of this. Please any advice will be so appreciated!