Not Receiving Closure is Consuming me

10 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jul 26 - 10AM
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

Not Receiving Closure is Consuming me

I'm trying and I know I'm not where I was back in March, but him not giving me closure is consuming me, because I don't know which thing he got angry over caused he to cut me off.

I became very depressed yesterday because I couldn't get out of my head, him asking me twice about how much I weigh; feeling like that's why he cut me out of his life.

This was suppose to be someone that was giving me spiritual counsel; not dating, not anything of attraction.

Then I go over and over the senario in my head thinking maybe he became paranoid thinking I was up to something in regards to trying to phish for a story about his brother.

Then I'm worried he's black balled my name to industry people.

I just don't know.

I'm very good at what I do. I'm an artist, but the way he treated me has made me paranoid.

Jul 26 - 1PM
bakingfortherapy
bakingfortherapy's picture

:(

Kizzy, It doesnt matter "which thing" set him off. If it wouldnt have been one thing, it would have been another. They are not CAPABLE of a real, healthy relationship. And it is NOT your fault. You many never get real closure. Strive to find healing and peace within yourself.
Jul 26 - 10AM
deecbee
deecbee's picture

The closure is that he's

The closure is that he's pathologically disordered, sick, and narcissistic. That's it. It seems like it should be more complicated than that, but it's not.
Jul 26 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
jackguy
jackguy's picture

this post by deecbee is true

this post by deecbee is true kizzy. it seems like it should be more complicated but it is the simple truth. we search & search & search for it to be something else but it is all about them not being all there, the emotional wires not being connected. it's like s vaknin says - trying to achieve intimacy or have emotional honesty with an n is impossible.
Jul 26 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

But what if

You keep feeling like something you did was wrong. I'm having serious problems with this because I never met this guy in person, I just talked to him on the phone. I was very vulnerable, depressed and he was suppose to be my friend. I've done my part in apologizing to him for any part I may have played, which he never acknowledged the apology, when honestly I don't know what I'm sorry for because I didn't do anything. But him not speaking to me, blind siding me, the whole nine. How does one go from understanding you, praying with you on the phone to cursing you out, hanging up on you and leaving you hanging. Spinning you know the story, why won't this crap go away :(
Jul 26 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
deecbee
deecbee's picture

I just re-read and saw your

I just re-read and saw your statement: "I was very vulnerable, depressed and he was suppose to be my friend." One thing Narcs don't like for too long is someone who is too "needy". I think at first it gives them a supply boost and a power trip with the thought that someone wants to rely on them for emotional support, but eventually that supply high wears off and the Narc realizes... "Oh shit, she actually wants me to be a REAL friends and source of support." And that's when they disappear. Nearly every time the N ran off was right when I was in the middle of a crisis, basically. Very depressed and vulnerable, like you stated. There was a period of time we had a long-distance relationship and my grandmother (who raised me) had just died, and I was going through a horrible depression. Every time we talked on the phone I would just cry... after about 2 weeks of that, he actually YELLED at me and said he was sick of me crying and tired of all the intense conversations!! Then he hung up and we didn't speak for months! But of course, when he was in the middle of a depressive episode of his own, I was expected to be waiting hand and foot and consoling him at all hours of the night, whenever he felt like calling. It is a HUGE mistake to ever expect any sort of reciprocation from a Narc. They exist solely for themselves. They get uncomfortable at the thought of genuinely helping someone out- and they scram.
Jul 26 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
deecbee
deecbee's picture

:( This behavior you

:( This behavior you describe is so typical to nearly all of our Narcs that it really is more about THEM, not us. I think that's the whole thing with Narcs. We've all been left dazed and confused in the aftermath... not knowing exactly WHY we were D&D'd is what leads us to believe it must have something to do with us. "Well, he dumped ME, so it must have been something I did." Somebody in another topic yesterday put it very well- it wouldn't matter what your personality, character traits, flaws, physique was. It wouldn't matter what the circumstances of the relationship was. NO MATTER WHAT, eventually the Narc is going to discard you and he will use ANY justification for that. There is no such thing as a stable, long-term relationship for these guys. It WILL end, it does not matter the reason why because they will make up a reason if they have to. I completely empathize with you. I spent years apologizing, purchasing self-help books trying to fix myself, beating myself up and tearing myself down thinking that if only I had been less emotional, or more ambitious, or less out-spoken, or dressed a different way, etc etc... it would have turned out different. These guys are like toddlers! They get bored! What they once loved about you they will eventually come to resent and dump you for. Just as an example (and I'm sure there are HUNDREDS more on this board)... the N initially loved me because of my "free spirit", my intelligence, my "good looks", and my unconventional way of doing things. In the end, he discarded me and claimed it was because I wasn't stable enough, I was too into "intellectual" topics for his tastes, too experienced for him (they don't like competition) and suddenly I looked like a "washed up porn star"! The next woman he hooked up with was my opposite. She was 10 years younger, from a very wealthy family, conservative, submissive, ditzy. These were all suddenly "ideal" to him. He changed everything about himself to become desirable and dateable in her eyes. Now, those things he once liked about her are the things he is beginning to hate- he complains that she doesn't know anything, is too inexperienced, too plain, too sheltered, her family's status and money is becoming a huge issue for him as well. These guys just bounce around aimlessly to whoever will give them the time of day. They don't give a crap who you are or what you stand for. They have no values. They'll morph into whatever suits them and gets them supply for the time being. I know that letting go of those feelings of self-blame is no easy task, but I promise you that it is NOT YOU. There is literally nothing you could have done differently. This was destined to happen.
Jul 26 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

yeah!

Its like he flipped everything around on me. The entire intent was to help me get through a crisis, which was the grieving over my fathers death. I was not rational, I was upset, my thinking was "askew" (as he put it), and I knew that. I was very destraught, angry, irritable, all the things you go through when you lose a parent, and I need someone to confide he. He picked up on this, and told me he and I have the same melancholic temparement, but said verbatim "but it doesn't bother me, in fact I would like to help you with this", and swore to me that others would not see my value as he did. Told me he specializes in helping me like me -- depressed. He knew I was mixed up, and because of that, HE told me to confide in him, to keep up the communication, to keep venting my feelings, and that something good would come out of it. So that's what I did, and I write better than I talk, so I sent him a lot of notes venting my thoughts on various topics, my dad's death, my anger with my dad, anger with other people, everything, then turned right around and told me I was taking up too much of his time. Then insulted me telling me "you and I should be able to talk on a mature level because we are both close in age", as if to say we can't talk on the same level because, as he put it, "I'm childish". All of my venting how I felt, which he knew was "askew". I was hurting, frustrated about everything and he turned around and belittled me. Then on top of that to say my father looks like a lion and to post "a lion" under his pictures on my facebook account. Then during our second conversation he asked me if that bothered me that he said my dad looks like a lion. And God only knows what he's told people. I know logically he's a jerk, an alcoholic, with a criminal past, but all I can remember is our first conversation and how nice he was to me, and how I must have done something wrong. That's all I can think about .
Jul 26 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Attachment to the nice guy

happened on the first call. He made you feel safe and secure, and he was nice. First call, and you were vulnerable. Most of what he has said and done since the first call is abusive, so one good call and several bad ones. He won't admit that. Why should he. He obviously isn't decent, kind, or moral. You have an expectation, and need to let that go...Mean dogs bite, now you know he is a mean dog, so stay away! Dogs don't apologize or give closure, they bite, that's what they do! ds
Jul 26 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
Reddley
Reddley's picture

I know how you feel about closure

I want closure so bad I can taste it. I'd beat it out of him if I knew I'd get it. It won't happen. He simply can't give it to you. As for the D&D sooo many posts on here about that... These weirdos from time to time will even venture into homosexuality and not because they are homosexuals... but because it's more NS. Once they get tired of that, they can move back to women or go to another man. They are just freaks of nature without one iota of conscience. How many normal men will go to bed with another man to spite their previous girlfriend? I have yet to meet one. It's NOTHING you've done. I believe they find your weaknesses from the start and put it away in the back of their mind for a rainy day. They pretend to be what they think you want and need then... The day they become bored of you or see a new better target, they use that weakness on you and it beats the living crap out of you. I said before I do not think these N's prey on women they can't find weakness on relatively quickly. It's too much work and the next gal will surely have something to find. It's such an easy concept to grasp. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! It's not any failing characteristics that have... it's not your weight or that you may have a few wrinkles more then when he met you or that you have some gray hairs. Let's be honest here... a normal man who's heart and mind work properly still LOVE YOU with a few new grays... a few new wrinkles and a few more pounds. Do you want to be with someone so critical of your body, of your personality that you become something you aren't? Something you hate? Just to please him? Do not for a minute think that asshole is worth it. There is someone for you out there that will love you how you are. These guys are just fucktards!