Nosaint28's Story

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#1 Apr 2 - 2AM
Nosaint28
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Nosaint28's Story

A not so happy ending fairy-tale affair....

Thank you to all the women whom have been so honest and open in sharing their stories. It has been liberating for me to read. I feel for you all that you have had to experience this type of person, in whatever way he entered your life.

After writing this all day, I am even more confused. I don’t know if it is me. Or if it is him. I am no saint, obviously, but I thought that writing my story would show me his true colours and that finally, it’s time to let him go.
Now I am wondering if we are just as bad as each other. If I have bought this all on myself. This is a long long, long thread. The only way I could write my story was to go into great detail. There are a lot of messages back and forth that I am displaying, for the purpose of understanding not just his interactions to me, but mine to him. I want the full story seen, so I can learn as much as possible from this experience.
I know I am a lost soul in this world. But I am a good person, who has too much empathy and care inside. I hope so anyway.
This is the story of our not so happy ending fairy-tale affair.
What I need now, is to know if this is him, he is an N, then I will block and avoid all contact. If it is me that is the issue here, I want and will get help!!!!

Ridiculous really. I was 24, had a 15 month old son and engaged. I had been through a lot in my young life (not justifying) but when I had my son, I realised how much I needed my own mother whom I lost at 21 years old after an 8 year battle with cancer. My partner was/is a good man. He works hard and is fun loving. But he is lazy and selfish (not self-centred like an N) more in an "I'm tired from work, you do it, you are the wife, cook the dinner” He had never helped around the house, and is able to sit back and quite easily watch me stressed and run down doing it all. He loves his son but is just as lazy and selfish as a father. At this point in life that I met N, I had a lot of anger towards my partner. He has always been so jealous and does not like me going out without him. He can sometimes treat me like a child, and I know he has reasoning’s inside his head for his over protectiveness, but he is not a talker, so getting him to sit down and talk about feelings is not easy. He would rather just ignore there is any tension in the air, let any disagreements and arguments calm down and then carry on as per normal, without resolution.
Anyways, that is another completely different situation.
So the day I met N. I was mucking around on Facebook when I saw one of my girlfriends had loaded a photo on to a group called "your states hottest" and it was pictures of guys and girls who had loaded their best looking photos on the page for the rest of the state to vote for who they believe was the hottest. I don't even know why I looked, probably out of curiosity to see who thought they were hot enough to enter themselves into this type of competition. And there he was. The most attractive man I had ever seen. Piercing light blue eyes, big lips, tattoos on his arms. He looked sweet and gentle but with a bad boy side. 100% my type. So I clicked to vote for him and then thought nothing more of it. Later that day, he sent me a friend request. I was hesitant to accept, as I didn’t know who he was. But whatever it was that made me do it, I did. Then the messages began. We began the chatting and friendly flirting, finding out about each others lives. I remember so clearly the first day of chatting me and my partner were going out that night for a friend’s birthday and it was for one of the first times since bubs. I told him it’s hard to get out when you have a child and I was looking forward to dancing and drinking. He asked me where I would be... I refused to tell him in a jokingly manner, and he teased saying he will try to find me. Nevertheless, that night, I had a constant fear/hope that he would find me. He didn't.
From then on, our interactions became constant. He was so sweet and would tell me all he wanted was a girl that he could settle down with and have a family. He wanted to have children now. He even looked at the photos of me when I was pregnant (I was huge) and told me that I looked beautiful. I was carrying a child.
He asked me early on in our interactions, when I am ready to have my next child. I thought this was a bit strange (red flag) but nevertheless was enjoying the attention and loved how shy and nice he was. I had never met someone who was so caring and so…lovely.
This is where the illusion was created that this lovely angel had fallen from the heavens to take me away and show me love I didn't know could exist, came from. Within a few days of our discovery of each other, I saw his relationship status change from single to in a relationship. Of course I checked her profile page, which was public so I could see every one of her pictures and the statuses she started writing about them. One, I will never forget is "winter doesn't seem so bad when you have someone to keep you warm" I became so infatuated with him so quickly and he was the same towards me. I asked him about his girlfriend and he told me that he prefers her more as a friend. He said she was easy to talk too, but it was me he wanted. I remember as our conversations became more sexual, he would say things like "I can't wait to touch your skin etc." and I would say "is that all you want from me" and then he would get annoyed and say "no, but you will think that anyway. I want to have sex with you because I am extremely attracted to you. But I want you not only today, not only tomorrow but always baby. If you will have me.”
Oh this sent me over the edge. I was a woman obsessed. Checking my phone constantly, waiting for the next message. If he didn't message me back, I would get worried or insecure and over indulge him with sms texts, face book messages, online chat - are you mad at me? I'm sorry; you think I'm crazy don't you?
But the real issues formed because he wanted to see me and was getting sick of not being ale too as it was impossible for me to just go to him whenever I wanted. I worked; I had a 15 month old and a husband. I couldn't just say I'm going out for a drink with "someone" my partner would be suspicious immediately. Then, he said his nanna died. He was devastated. I wanted to be with him and hold him like I promised I would one day. I was so nervous and I remember when I first saw him, he looked different than the photos, much more of a boy than a man. I wasn’t immediately sure if the physical attraction was as strong as I thought it would be. He was shaking and so nervous. I had only ever been with obviously confident men. I immediately gave him a hug and told him I was sorry for his loss. We went inside and had a drink and the conversation just flowed easily. The more I looked at him, the more I wanted him. He blinked his eyes slowly and in a dreamy manner. He licked his big lips almost seductively. Time was ticking and I could only give him an hour. It was time to go. He seemed so nervous that I had to take the lead. I hugged him again and then gave him a peck on his lips and left. Immediately I got a text message saying "wow you are just as beautiful in real life. I am so glad I saw you today. You have blown me away etc...."
From that day we were both hooked. We wanted to be with each other so badly, well I know I did anyway, but I never could. It drove me crazy as I began to resent my own partner for holding me back from being with N.
We began getting jealous of each-others other halves. I would see what she would say on her Facebook and know he was with her, when he was telling me that he wasn't. Then I would be so upset that he lied to me that I would say it’s over, I know you are with her and you are lying etc. and then unfriend him on Facebook. He would be shocked at this behaviour of mine and say that he did not like confrontation. He also began getting mad over photos I would put up of me and my partner. He would say things like I can't do this anymore. I want you but you are never going to leave him and it's killing me. I would apologize and say I only want to be with you, but it's complicated. I was torn between this man whom I felt was the man of my dreams, and the man who was stable, loyal and a part of my little family. How could I take my son away from his father? I simply couldn't. I would never find a happy medium in this situation.
N and I were struggling to find a time to see each other again and it was causing frustration on both ends. Eventually I took a sick day off work and drove to his apartment. At first it was awkward, we sat and talked and kind of went over the last week or so off the fighting and me deleting him and being all insecure. I went to the toilet and when I came out he was there. I asked him to show me his room. We stood there both nervous and unsure. I went to walk back out and he grabbed me and pulled me to him. I wanted to cuddle and kiss him in his bed. And that is what we did. He touched me and whispered "farkkkk" in my ear. I kissed his face and we held each other close. He tried to pull my jeans off to have sex with me, but I wouldn’t let him. I said that I can’t because that would be greatest disrespect to my partner. I would not have sex with him until it was just him and me. He kept trying a little more, and I kept refusing him. He was getting a little rougher and was using strength to try to get my jeans off, I remember feeling a bit upset that he was quite forceful but I didn't give in. We ended up just laying down and I looked at the tattoos on his arms and asked what they represented. He came across to me as deep thinker who expressed his emotions in artistic ways. Our time was short again as I had to leave to pick my son up from day care. I didn't want to let him go. Leaving him was difficult. He didn't message me instantly this time, made me wait a little. Then, when the contact came, it was all about me not letting him take my pants off and he was upset. Or why I didn’t touch him? Then it was all about how wet he had made me, and making it seem like I had rejected him. I'm not sure how long it was after this, but I told him that the pressure was on. My partner wanted to start planning our wedding and we were look at buying a house etc. I felt overwhelmed on what to do. We had planned to meet that Friday, if only for a couple of hours.
That morning whilst I was making myself beautiful for him, I received this text message (yes I still have it, as with a lot of the others, as you will soon see)
“Hey babe you are going to hate me but I can’t do this..... I feel so bad. Not only for my partner but for yours more so yours because he wants to marry you! I can’t do that to him even though I don’t know him! You saying what u did the other day about getting your loan and all that just made me realise I’m ripping apart a family! You know how I feel but I can’t do anything and I have to leave u alone to do what u have to do. I’m sorry but I just can’t do it.”

I was devastated. My immediate response was goodbye. But that would have never been enough. The next message was “If you do this and I lose the feeling for you, once it's gone, it's gone.” I had seen it before with a couple of exes when I was a teenager. Every time they walk away, they always come back. But I lost interest easily, and each time they came back, I had already lost the feeling I once had for them, and was not interested anymore.
He replied again and said “I know this but I can't sleep at night anymore. I think we just met each other at the wrong time in our lives.” I felt desperate as the tears flooded out of me. I felt absolutely shattered. I could not comprehend that he had just ended it. Like that. Yesterday he was telling me how he can’t wait to just hold me in his arms.
I asked to see him. He said he couldn't because if he saw me he wouldn't be able to keep his hands of me. I told him that I was going to leave my partner. Just the night prior to N ending it, I had spoken to my partner and told him I was not happy and I wanted to look at taking some time apart.
My N said “why now when I tell you I can't do this you tell me you are leaving him?”
I tried to explain, I should have done it a long time ago but I'm a coward and I'm scared and I'm lost. But the thought of losing my N was enough to shake me into gear. I asked him will he wait for me. Will he still be there when I'm set up on my own? He said “I think you do what you need to do and then tell me.” I said “ok”. He said “I'm sorry but once I see actions then I will know.”
And I never followed through. I can’t even remember what happened in that next month, as I was trying to grieve for a lost love that nobody knew about. It was an extremely lonely time.
It's crazy actually. Reading back on these messages, whilst reliving the memories, it would seem that it was me, who was the one who stuffed it up. Maybe that's true. I don't know as I have over analysed it in my head for almost 4 years now, but because so much has happened since the beginning, the latter events that happen, have not allowed me to come back to this part of our “encounters”
Because my story does not end here; this is just the beginning of the end.

I was devastated for a long time. I found it hard to get up and get through the day. I could not resist constantly messaging him and telling him I want him, I miss him; I will do anything to be with him. It ended in July and by October he would message me when he was not with his gf and say "come to me" he would offer to pay for the taxi etc. Oh how badly I wanted to go to him but I was still here, with my partner, and I just couldn't leave. I was, still am, too insecure to take a chance. I didn't want to break up our family, for my son’s sake. He was such a happy boy and I couldn't do it to him. I wanted him to have a similar childhood to me, by being raised by his mum and dad, and enjoying a brother and a sister.
The texting between N and I had not stopped. Now he began asking for photos. I was nervous to do so, not knowing if this would back fire and he would show someone or expose them on the Internet or whatever! But the reality was I would have done anything to keep him in my life, so I did, whatever he asked.
I sent him photos of my face, then in a bra, then no top. The more he would go on to tell me how badly he wanted to touch me, how beautiful and hot he thought I was the more experimental I would get. He started calling me baby again and after every sentence he would use kisses like xx.
I believed at the time, that he was getting hooked on me again. Feelings were developing.
It was different; he did not have the lovely part to him anymore, the sweet part or the attentive part that would ask me how my day was. I felt this deep inside, however he could have cut off my right leg back then and I would not have stopped him.
I began sending him videos, as requested. I am so ashamed to even say this as I had never sent dirty photos to anyone in my life, not even my partner saw anything like that from me.
My memory fails me here, and I cannot accurately recall, but all of a sudden, he was asking me to get him an iPhone. It was nicely asking at first. “Baby, my phone is smashed, I need a new one, and can you get me one please?” I worked in the Telco industry so he assumed I could just get phones with a click of the finger. But I couldn't. He even tried to manipulate me by saying he would pay me back and we could meet up once a week for a drink so he could pay me. He knew he could use himself to bribe me. But then he got impatient. All of a sudden I got messages like "just remember all the stuff you have sent me, you have a lot more on the line to loose than me" I now realized he was threatening me. Get me a phone or I will show the world your naked photos that you sent to me. This realisation felt worse than when we ended the affair. How could he threaten the photos I took for him and use then against me to get a phone? This went on for a bit and I finally had to give in and tell someone what was happening. I was so scared of him sending my partner a message on Facebook with a naked pic of me on there. And I didn't know what he was capable off. I didn't know him at all. One night, after he kept sending me threats, I eventually stopped trying to sweeten him to stop and told him “I have saved all of your messages and I am going to the police. How dare you threaten me? This stops now. Don't ever contact me again.” And it stopped completely.
But it still wasn’t over for me. I still couldn't believe he had done this to me and once the initial shock wore off, I began longing for him. The illusion of him, I should say. Not for the man he was now, but for the one that made me feel alive again and was so gentle and caring at the start. I wanted to erase all the rest of the bad stuff that had happened since and go back. I started messaging him on Facebook. Blank messages. Poking him etc.
He was not respondent to the first few and when he finally did, it was clear that he hated me. He said "I don't want anything to do with you so don't contact me in any way!" I sent a few back saying I didn't, and I didn’t know what he was talking about. He told me to go away.
2 months later, I found out his Gf was pregnant. I was pretty upset about this, knowing that she was able to give him what he wanted. A relationship and a child. I wrote him a MSG saying “hey stranger, heard some news that you are engaged and having a baby! Congrats and I am glad you found someone whom could give you what you want- and so quick!” which was a little dig as she was pregnant at 19 years old before she was even with him for a year. It all seemed a bit rushed to me.
He replied and thanked me for the congrats and hoped me and my little man were well. I wrote again to say thanks and hope the pregnancy goes well etc. No reply. About 2 weeks later I text him again saying that I miss talking to him. He wrote back
“Why?” I said “I don't know, my life is great (which it was going ok) and I told him I just think about him all the time and it sux!”
He wrote back, “what was, was. Be happy; enjoy your husband and son as we know we are not here for long.” I said “that is true and I am, everything is wonderful but I still miss you.”
No reply.
Another couple of weeks later I wrote again, this time drunk Facebook texting saying “do you still have a drink now and then?”
He wrote back with just ???
I wrote “sorry drunk face booking and can't remember writing it but that's pretty funny.” He says “oh ok.” I say “not funny? Where did your sense of humour go?” He tells me his mum is sick. I immediately am all over him with “I'm sorry, if you need to talk etc...” He says he will be ok, thanks though. I joke around and say “no probs you know I will always be here even though u want me to disappear!”
No reply, of course.
Another couple of weeks pass and I wished him a happy Easter. No reply.
And that was it. I couldn't keep degrading myself like this anymore. It would never go back to how it was and I finally just stopped contacting him. It must have been at least a year or more later and out of the blue a message on Facebook from him... "Hey, what's new? Hope your well" I didn't see the message till late that night and my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach. I had taken so long to reach a point where I only checked his Facebook page once a week or so. I didn't contact him. I was as over it as I would ever be. I would have never contacted him again. He was married with a son now and he had moved to another state. I married my partner and that was that. I remember feeling the relief of not sneaking around, not longing for another man whilst in bed with my own man. It was simple and easy. And my relationship with my husband was better than ever without the interference of obsessing about him.
I replied the next night and told him I was well and a lot is new I would not know where to start! 4 minutes later he says he is glad I am well. Asked me if I had had any more babies? Said he is working hard and enjoying life. I tell him no more babies as yet but ready to go round 2.
He writes “how many more?”
And so the conversation continues about kids and he asks if my son is like me or his dad which I find the sudden interest confusing. We talk like we are friends who have not seen each other for a long time and are simply catching up. The conversation starts on the past and I admit I am embarrassed. He asks “why?” I explain being young and silly and in lust. We banter back and forth and then it starts heading down the photo/video path. He tells me he still has them. And I am so ashamed. I say “I thought u would have forgotten all about me by now.” He tells me “not to be, they are hot. How could he forget?” I tell him I assumed I was just one of many floozies. He says there are no others and he loved those videos.
I say “lol; I don't know what to say except shoot me now!” He says “sorry I will stop I didn't mean to upset you.”
I was like?? “It takes a lot more than that to upset me!”
He says “I hope you don't mind me still talking to you and having the videos still.” Then we go down the track of the times we did see each other and how he got so close to being with me and how he felt how good he made me feel, until I stopped him.
And so the bond that was broken was rebuilding. He was now in my head and I couldn't wait to get the next message! He was going away to Melbourne and he wanted me to meet him there. I said I can't just pack up and fly to Melbourne. He started saying its ok if you don't want to come. I say wants and needs are different things. No reply.
I start it off again. Telling him that I still dream about him. He replies with just a smiley face with tongue out. He then asks am I going to come to Melbourne. I say “no you come to me in Adelaide.” He says “I can't.” I say “story of our lives.” He says “anyway I will be in Melbourne.” This part gets me- I say “you are so mean to me.” He says “no, not really.” I say “you must have some built up frustration that needs to be released.” He says “nope.” I reply with “you are one confusing man.” He sends a smiley face. I say “hmmmmmm.” Then I get a smiley face with the tongue out and he says – “keeps you thinking.”
Hours pass of us messaging, flirting, and teasing each other. Days go by with more bantering. I end the message trail with a smiley face and no reply from him. I start it again the next day. Reading back over these I see myself as annoying and needy. Am I the real problem here? Just leave him alone for crying out loud. But if we are in this together, how can he go 5 minutes without thinking about me or messaging me? Because I can't!!!! It’s the most pathetic, exciting, upsetting and frustrating addiction I could ever have! I am as bad as him bcoz I entertain him and keep him interested with the banter and flirting, trying to get to his heart.
He changes his profile pic and I tell him “it is a great one! He looks yummy asleep.” He says “thanks. I think.” I say “nom nom nom nom.” An hour and a half goes by and no reply. Nothing. I can’t help but wonder if he is going to disappear again soon and it stresses me out so much that I have to just keep going and going with the messages. I say "do you not want to talk to me anymore? It's ok of you don't"
The next day he says "random much?"
I say "no, it just seemed like perhaps you don't want to talk anymore and I just wanted to let you know it’s ok if you don't. I won't give you any grief"
He says "u make me laugh"
I ask “is that good or bad?"
He says "good. You are so paranoid" I agree and tell him I am trying not to be.... We start bantering again and this time I ask for a photo. No reply.
Next night I ask again. He responds with “lol.”
I say, "well, it's my turn to make demands!" and then I add "even though I already know u won't send me one and none of these little plans that we make will ever really happen and that's ok as I enjoy just this banter.."
He doesn't reply again.
The next morning he says "ok then"
I tell him he is hard to work with as he gives me nothing so I don't know when it's playing or real. He says, “Yeah I'm a boss.” More banter and he says "but you said we will never see each other so it's ok"
I explain “we have been here many times before and he had always pulled out. Why would it be different this time?”
He says he would not be bothering now if he was going to bail.
I say u sure u sure u sure? No reply.
6 days later, I give in... Again... To say "so I am just wondering, would this be you not bothering anymore?
He says "huh? What are you talking about?"
I say us.
He says "us?"
I say "yes, you and me. R u not bothering?"
He says "who are you?"
"No need to be mean" I say crying my eyes out.
He replies with ?
I go on a rant explaining what I mean and ending it with “I just want to make it very clear that if you don't want to talk, meet up, whatever, just say so! It's not a big concern!" I am mad and embarrassed now.
He says “you are way 2 serious sometimes. Relax a little."
I admit "I don't know how too"
A whole 24 hours later he says “you just need to stop over analysing everything"
I say "I know but my brain doesn't like to rest it likes to go go go"
He tells me "that doesn't work"
Now I'm confused ???
He says "it only causes issues and you don't believe anything that is said to you"
I agree and then he asks again if I am going to come to Melbourne. I tell him I can't. We then discuss him coming to me, me paying for flights... Of course. As we try and work this affair around our lives it becomes impossible. I ask “why is it so hard?”
Nothing. His Melbourne trip comes and goes. 3 weeks later he breaks the ice to tell me "Melbourne was so epic! Wow."
I wait till the next day to reply (that's as good as my will power gets with him) a bit of banter and silence again. A week later, a message telling me he is at the airport flying to Adelaide. His pop passed away. Wants to catch up. I tell him I can't today No reply from him.
Next day try to reschedule and it's too hard. He says "never works hey"
I tell him I am free on Friday. He messages me on Saturday saying he only just got that msg. I reply with "it's just not meant to be"
More sexual banter continues and he asks for a video. I dodge the question and await for him to contact me. A week goes by and he is breaking the ice one again by sending a message of just a smiley face. By this stage I am so used to playing this game I have convinced myself it's all good. I can handle this with no feelings attached.
More contact continues and it's all sexual. He starts asking for pics. I keep saying that doesn't help me and it's nothing you haven't seen before. He tells me he could never get tired of looking at me naked. More talk on what we want to do to each other and he starts asking for pics and pointing out it never used to be an issue. I tell him I am scared to trust. He says, “You don't trust me?” I say “I want too.” He assures me he won't show anyone, he only wants too get off over them. I give in and send him one. He tells me I am so sexy and he wants more. I tell him I can't I'm in bed but I have lots of my face which I know will be of no interest.
His reply: ok well next time, nyt nyt.x
Next day he says "can I have some now?"
I reply "oh yeh hi to you too"
He says "you didn't say good night"
I say “well u blew me off as soon as you knew there were no more photos coming."
He says "you said u was in bed. You’re in a good mood. Will leave you to it."
I say “I'm sexually frustrated and working"
He apologizes. I tell him I want him to think more of me than a porn star.
He tells me “he doesn't but he also doesn't see me so he wants to see me inaction. Would I rather he not want to see me naked?" he asks.
I explain that I just don't want him to think of me as a tart. I am not a porn star cheating whore. It was only ever him and no one else.
He says he “doesn't think that at all and is annoyed that I would even think that he would think that.”
I get all stressed and over explain by saying “I just worry and please don't be annoyed at me, and are you ok.”
He finally replies that he is ok. Wants more videos and pics though- WTF?
I tell him I can't I am at work.
Try to distract him by asking him what LinkedIn is. He tells me. Not interested. A few days pass and I start by wishing his son a happy birthday. His replies are short and sharp. I ask if we are all good. He asks, “are we?”
I reply “well obviously not. I continue with if you opened up to me just a little it would help. But if he is over it, he can say, I get it.”
He says "if you stopped being so highly strung I wouldn't be so blah.”
He tells me I don't trust him and that's his problem.
I be honest as always and tell him “I try but after he used the pics and videos against me it's hard.”
He says "I never would of and I was going through a rough time"
I reply" but you never told me what you were going through, so I know nothing. I then tell him I took new photos but never heard from him again...is it time to give this up?” I ask. “I'm struggling to see the light at the end of tunnel.”
He says: “yeah maybe so then.”
I reply: “no probs.” that was September 2012. I did not give in once after that. I was kind of over it too. Being the obsessed annoying woman tires quickly.
But, to my surprise as I really did think that was the last of it, he returned again. Mid-January he "poked" me on Facebook. I didn’t respond. End of Jan I get a message "hey” still I don't respond. Don't know if I'm that interested really. The next day in the evening he writes "guess you’re not talking to me. Fair call"
And then I give in, because I cannot just ignore people. It is not in my making.
I say “hello and that I just saw this MSG now"
He asks “how's things?” I keep it short and shiny. He tells me about himself and his career and asks if I am pregnant again yet?
I tell him in the process of trying, but just bought a house so whatever happens, happens. Asked about him.
"Second half of the year" he replies.
And then is gone. He obviously wanted to know if I was pregnant- but why???
3 weeks later, I send him a message, which I only did in a moment of weakness. I said “I still see your face every single time hey!” (When I release myself his face is the one I do it too, and he knows that. I was curious to see if he would know what I meant still.) I tried not to tell him but I had just seen it and once again in that moment of endorphin I god damn still wanted it.
I get a smiley face with a tongue back. Then a "did you just do
It?" I say “to myself- yes.” I get another smiley face. I don't reply.
The next day he sends me just a smiley face and that's it. I don't reply again.
4 days pass and he is back again. "What are you doing?" and this is where the beginning of the end began again. He asks me again if I am pregnant yet- god I wish I knew what that meant to him? We begin just chatting and bantering light heartedly. He then asks
“Do you still think of me?"
I say "yeah, sometimes. Lol- u?"
"Yes!"
We talk normally for a while and then I have to know "so what made
U say hello to me again?"
He says “Because u sent me a random MSG saying u still see me when u get off”
“You said hello to me b4 I sent that.” I reply.
“Because u popped into my thoughts.” He says
“And what do you think in those thoughts? Is it all video/photo related?” I ask
“No I thought of when we met up for that drink”
“I went back there the other day actually...” I say
“Think of me?” he asks
“To meet another new guy Lol only joking” I reply
“Yeah I relived the scenes in my head, funny so long ago now.” I add.
“I still dream about your visit to my place also.” He tells me.
“They were good times.” I say
“Exciting.” He replies
“It always is in the beginning....”
? is his reply
“I wonder if I had left him back then if it would have been different or if u would have chickened out and stuck with the stable option anyways - not that it matters now but will always be curious” I speak my emotions out loud.
“Yeah who knows??? U may not have liked me anyway then regretted everything” he says.
“Maybe. I don't think we would have ever trusted each other anyways. As dr Phil says- all relationships that start from an affair never last.
At the end of the day it all works out how it is meant to be” I say.
“Hmmm we only believe what we choose to believe.” He replies. The conversation ends.

Another few days pass and I get a funny picture. I send one back.
He asks “how was your day?”
I am stunned to the core. He has not asked me that since the first time we ever met each other and he was the nice sweet man that I thought was the angel. I was smarter now, I knew that this was just a play thing, and I could play back to him….. Oh how wrong I was.
I told him I was shocked – did he really just ask me how my day was?
He seemed surprised by this – “what? Huh? How? Yeah I did why?” he replies.
I tell him that is a rarity and tell him what my day was like. He tells me what his day was like.
I attempt to wrap it up with have a good sleep that and “hope you have a good day/week/month etc.”
He says “not planning on talking to me for some time then?”
I say “it is more so I never know when you are going to come and go.”
He says – “not nice”
I confirm, “you know how it is, you come…you go…. You always come back and you probably always will”
He confirms: “and you are the same”
I think to myself here, no, actually I am not. I would never stop talking to you and disappear. But let’s not get all emotional yet.
We banter again and the next day he messages me “hope u had a good day”
I write back “oi, don’t go getting all nice on me”
The next day comes again and in the morning he writes “hope you have a great day”
I say “ha-ha, yeah, yeah” – Now I do not know how to deal with this. He has not been like this since we first met – stage 1 I believe they call it.
He asks “don’t want me being nice?”
“Not when it’s fake” I tell him
“It’s not fake. You need to not be so negative.”
The banter continues for a few days and we are actually just having fun, messing about, not being asked for photos or videos, just simply stirring each other up and it is good.
It is so good, my feelings are back and I need answers.
I message him:
“Can I ask you a serious question?
What is it after 4 years that makes you keep coming back in contact with me? I know you say you don't do this with other girls etc., but why me? You’re married and happy, so what is it that you feel you want from me? Is it boredom? Sorry to get serious, but when u come back each time it disrupts me and sucks me back in to this little fantasy world of you and I and I am in it again and it's doing my head in!”
“Lol it's not just me who contacts you so let's get that correct and I really don't know why?? Do you??” he replies.
“Oh dear we wouldn't want there to be the misconception that you are the only one who contacts me now would we? My bad that were not how I meant it, but glad we got that clear!” I reply, sarcastically.
“And I do know the reason I contact you.
I am extremely physically attracted to you. I don't think I will ever be more attracted to anyone, the way I am to you.
But I also enjoy the "idea" of you. I know the "idea" of you is not real, but it's hard to let go of something that seems so wonderful, even if it's just an illusion...” I tell him honestly.
“I have read that 3 times now and wow. You are spot on and I could never put it into words b4” He replies.
And so on and on the banter continues and I am falling all over again. This is the guy that I fell for in the beginning. The nice, funny, attentive man whom made me feel like one of a kind.
And then the question gets asked. “Can I have a sexy pic?”
I send one, not a naked one but a pretty one with a bit of cleavage. He is turned on and tells me he is so hard looking at me. He tells me I am beautiful and he is so turned on. I say I never know if you are playing with me or not. He says “I am not – do you want me to show you?”
And then came the picture of Willy. I do not look at willy’s and go yum yum, dinner time!
My reply was “ha-ha is you in bed alone?”
He says “yes, I guess you don’t like?”
And then he is gone. He wanted more of a response from me. Whoops.
The next day I had my tennis finals. For the first time in our “whatever our thing is” he was interested. He had never been interested in my actual life. He messaged me asking how I went in the finals. We lost, I told him. He tells me I am still a winner. I said you are being so sweet!
He is compassionate and says it sucks loosing. But like I said you are still a winner. Have some wine and dinner and then make sweet sweet love.
I say “ok boss will do.”
He says: “would be better if it was me there though”
I tell him “I was thinking the exact same things.”
And then I get – “I know you don’t like to but could I please have a naughty pic?”
I knew I was never going to say no. He had just been more wonderful to me than he had been since the beginning. I was not letting it go this time.
I asked him what he wanted.
“You and your boobs”
I told him I am shy (which is true, I become a different person with this man!)
He says “why? I have seen so much of you maybe even more than your husband.”
I say “you like that fact don’t you?”
He says: “Yeah, I do. But you are beautiful so that makes it so hot.”
I tell him he is making my body do all sorts of tingling.
He tells me “it is all honest truth though.”
And so another night of naked pics sent by me begins, and him telling me how badly he wants me and what he wants to do to my body. This makes me wild and I am all his. No doubts about it.
He asks for more pictures. He says he could look at me all day and night.
I ask am I inside his head enough yet?
He says, “Yes you are – every day.”
I send photos, all sorts and get amazing responses. I tell him I want him to want me more than anything he has ever wanted in his life. He tell me “I already do”
When I have no more pics it is always “night bub” and it happened again.
Then there was nothing. For 2 days. I was going mental. Calling myself all names under the sun, wondering why oh why I do this to myself. He got what he wanted and then he left. I sent him a couple of messages on Facebook saying are you ok? I had a bad dream (which was a nightmare actually) and it made me feel absolutely awful. In my dream, he died. And no-one ever told me. Because – who am I? He is the only one who knows about me.
He replied and said he had dropped his phone in the sink. I was quite distant in my replies “That’s no good” I was still coming back from the devastation of hearing nothing for 2 days after I have now got this close to this man again…
He asked me what was wrong. I said “I thought you had gone for good.”
He said “Huh, Why?”
My reply:
“Don't get mad.
I thought u had got some photos and now you were satisfied so you were going to just go back to your life again and come back to me in 6 months’ time or so when you felt you needed more.
And then I had a dream last night that was so real, it's brings tears to my eyes now, bcoz if something ever happened to you, there would be no way I would ever know... Bcoz who am I? Only you know.”
And then no reply. I wait and wait, and then send another:
“Sorry, I know I am not supposed to care. Forget it, I will get over it in a few days and be back to my normal happy self”
Next morning comes – and still nothing. I can’t help myself I say “Nothing to say?????”
I get this “Sorry will talk soon.”
Four and a half hours later I have been driven crazy. He did this to me again, was all I could think. Not again.
I write “I don't understand what's going on but it driving me mad!!! I think you would like me to disappear, but won't say so, so I will just do it for you instead bye x”
He says “Sorry I have my boss here from India and my mum is here visiting... I have not had time to even get a drink the last 2 days. He is going home tomorrow so all back to normal then”
I try to keep the conversation going and then I had a really bad moment with my husband. I normally do not talk to N about my husband, but I was so upset, and I felt now we had come so far this time, he will make me feel better.
I said “I just got called a scrag and a worthless price of shit by my husband and told off coz dinner was late coz I was at the gym... Fml”
He replied “Wtf? Sorry no relationship is perfect but I have never and never would say anything like that to my wife. Lack of respect. I would love a bath with u by the way”
I say “He is in a bad mood, he will apologize tomorrow. Still has me in tears hiding so my son can't see me it’s because I bend over backwards to make everyone happy so it's expected of me to be perfect...
Anyways...”
He reassures me “I’ll make u forget it all and in a good way. X”
We start talking about the possibility of him coming to me in the next few weeks when we will have a chance to be together. I am sold that he will come here in a few weeks. It has been almost 4 years since I had seen him. My plan, in my head was to show him how amazing I am, away from this terrible situation we are in. To be just us, and see what we are like together. There was no better thought, than the one of him possibly coming here in the next few weeks.
Once again, he asks for some sexy pics. RED FLAG. He knew I was upset about the way I was treated by my husband – however he still wanted to get off. No further questions or asking if I was ok etc. There was no real care there. This stung.
So another night of images of me got sent to him. Once I had no more, he disappeared. I was once again left to cry myself to sleep, not knowing if he had no care about me or my feelings and was seriously that twisted that once he got the photos, he just did not give a shit anymore.
He messaged me the next day and said “sorry, I passed out.”
I wanted to carry on, but I thought this time I will just say “that’s ok. Are you having a good day?”
He says “yes, very busy still.”
I tell him I will leave him be.
That night he reaches out to tell me he is still at work. We begin the banter again and start talking about where we will go if he comes to Adelaide and all the things he wants to do to me.
We go to sleep after having said goodnight to each other. Not just him disappearing. This really is progress.
The next day I reach out to him because my husband was nasty to me again.
I got “Geez, why do you put up with it?”
I say the below:
“Don’t want my son to have a broken family... And I have never been on my own...
And it's not always this bad”
Then half hour later:
“Sorry to burden u with this crap... I can't vent to anyone else as they will get involved... So I went to you... Sorry, just tell me to shut up!”
Still nothing.
10 hours later I say:
“Hope u had a good day”
Could see that he read all three messages above instantly. He was choosing not to reply.
An hour and a half later I said this.
“Actually this is it from me boy- I love speaking to you and I think you are wonderful but I'm going to leave u to go back to your life and not to worry about me again”

This is what I get: “Um.....ok?”
My emotions are running high now, and I cannot stop the tears. How can he just ignore me? I just do not get it.
I say : “anyhow, I feel like I am annoying/interfering/interrupting/ you from your little life that you have going on there and I don't want to do that to you - I feel that way because whenever I get serious with you (like what I have told you about what has been happening in my home) you freak out and disappear, when there is really no need, as I am not wanting anything from you, I suppose I felt that I may be able to tell you things, but realize now that you do not want to hear it - unless a pic is involved, and I don't really want to be just the girl that sends sexy pics to you.....
So.... basically, as I said I love talking to you, I think you are wonderful, but I just don't want to be the girl that sends sexy pics to you sorry...”
Once again, he has read it not long after. No reply.
That is it I tell myself. Never again. I am heartbroken again by this man, and he will not talk to me! It is the worst form of torture!
I last 4 days. Then I send:
“Hey
All good if you are mad/ignoring/annoyed/over me- but because I am a wonderful, caring, kind, awesome, funny "special" person I just want to make sure that is what you are doing and not that something has happened to you!
You can continue the disappearance act after you put my little worried mind at ease
so, u ok?????”
Once again, I see he has read this, and still NOT replied. I am fuming, so mad and so upset. I really cannot do this again. If he cared, he would not ignore and do this to me. Again.
I say: “Well I know you have read this so at least I know you are alive. It also means you don’t want to talk to me even just to say you are ok and alive. Pretty disappointing, but at least I know now that it’s time to let this finally go. For good. Take care of yourself young man and thanks for the fun banter. Cya.”

And that is it. No reply. No care. Nothing. All I want is him to say he would rather not talk so please leave him alone. If he does not give a shit - why can’t he just say that! It would feel better than the silence…
Then I see he has viewed my profile and linked in and constant pictures of him keep showing as people I may know? We have no mutual acquaintances so is this just because we have looked at each other’s profiles… or?

So I text him:
Ummmm I know I'm not supposed to talk to you, and you won't talk to me ( would love a reason why by the way), but i had to tell you this bcoz i think its sooo strange....Would you have any idea why your picture continually keeps coming up as people I may know on LinkedIn? Is that not a bit weird??? I have had no connections ever on this thing until i began to play on there yesterday, as I have never used it properly and immediately it suggested your page to add? It scared me as how the hell would it just randomly choose you of all people? Everytime i refresh my page you are still there!! And then a company called metroll continually being suggested as a company to follow? Which now realize this is where u must work-- I dunno, but that's kinda bizzaro don't you think?? I'm thinking it's the universe shoving you in my face going haha suffer a bit longer woman! You can try to forget, but we won't let you!!! Grrrr
And then nothing still. Today, I gave in again. I sent him a “funny” picture on facebook, hoping to lighten the mood with him again. He hasn’t read it or replied. He won’t now. He will again, yes. When he gets low on supply. It’s a vicious cycle that is just fucking with my head beyond belief at the moment.
Sorry this was so long. Hopefully I can get some valuable feedback for myself to become a better person and to forget about him. Right now, he is my addiction and I am obsessed and I just don’t know how to control it.

Apr 2 - 6AM
Nosaint28
Nosaint28's picture

Thank you update

Apr 2 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I'm sorry, I don't have time to read all of this right now

Apr 2 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
redflagswaving
redflagswaving's picture

No saint

Apr 2 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
Nosaint28
Nosaint28's picture

I giggled because of the

Apr 2 - 6AM
redflagswaving
redflagswaving's picture

Your struggle is very apparent.

Apr 2 - 6AM
unbreakable
unbreakable's picture

I think you just answered

Apr 2 - 6AM
Lovely1
Lovely1's picture

You really need to be here -