No contact is sooo true!!!

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#1 Oct 11 - 10AM
alicat
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No contact is sooo true!!!

Last Thursday I saw my exN at the ball field, and I hand delivered pictures to him for his son's memory book of our last trip. He thanked me, but acted like I never existed in his life. I was ok when I saw him and that night, but by the weekend i broke down and cried. I am still struggling! Having contact with them is a powerful thing. Now my head is reeling and spinning again!!

Also......It has been really hard for me to understand how they don't love us and never did. I often wondered why he was married for 11 years and his wife finally divorced him. She will talk to him till this day!!! They were swingers so I'm sure he was getting all his needs met that way!!!

He often wanted to see men have sex with me! He would tell me to go out and find someone and have sex with them and then tell him about it. Crazy!!! Of course I did not do that. I am starting to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

I hope he gets what he deserves! I hope this new girl throws him to the curb just like he did to me. I was there for him for some pretty rough times in his life. Now I see that it doesn't matter! I was just a toy to him!!

Thanks for listening. I'm still going through a rough time, but with everyone's support I will get through it. Thanks for everything!!!

Oct 11 - 11AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

It is difficult to believe

That they don't care. Think about it though, a man who wants to see his woman with other men or hear about it is not capable of anything even close to love. His wife probably can still talk to him because she does not give a shit anymore. He most likely cured her of that with the swinging. All the couples that I have ever heard of that were into that are no longer together, it destroys a marriage. It is basically a sick disordered person who manipulates his partner into doing things to "please" him not her and then after awhile it destroys the relationship of intimacy, faithfulness, and all the rest of it. It is the act and request of a selfish, sex addicted, PD, who only is thinking about himself and not his family. I know that you are new and doing really well with your NC, just a question though, why are you giving him pictures? What is meant by this gesture. Are you still thinking that you want to look like the "good girl" in his eyes, are you using it as an excuse to break NC? Why does he require these pictures? Seems like another way of bring hurt to yourself. I would not give him the time of day. He does not deserve you giving him picture's, he can take his own picturs when he is with his son. Just a thought, I'm not coming down on you, I'm just trying to figure out why he needs you to be walking over to him with picture's when he asked you to sleep with other men. Sounds like he does not deserve a damn thing from you. You are being way too nice to a man who disrespected you. You deserve better than this. As to why he doesn't love you, it is because he has a disorder and he is uncapable of love, this is no reflection on you, nothing you did wrong, this is about him and what is wrong with him. You could have slept with a hundred other men and he still would not have loved you any better. He is not a loving man. You are a loving woman and deserve to be with someone who see's this in you and love's you for you. Give it time and keep reading, and posting, it will get easier in time. Put yourself first for now and take care of you. God bless, Goldie
Oct 11 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
alicat
alicat's picture

Goldie, thanks for the reply.

Goldie, thanks for the reply. You are right. He has made my self esteem so low that he would even get mad at me for having low self esteem. Geez I wonder why!? I tried putting the pictures on his car at work but it wasn't there. To answer your question though, I guess he really did not need those pictures. I was looking for an excuse I guess to keep some kind of contact with him. That was a big mistake. I know now that it only hurts me and sets me way back!! I am a good person, and I have a lot to offer someone! My exhusband was a very good man. We just did not have much in common and I lost my love for him. We are best friends to this day though. He also saw my exN to be a horrible person. He was very relieved when we broke up. I guess I always thought I could save my exN. I thought things would get better. Of course they do not. It's crazy how we take the abuse and keep wanting to make it work. I will be very cautious now for sure! My exN was also physical with me and very verbal abusive. He told me that I made him sooooo angry and drove him to do it. I was always walking on eggshells. All my friends want the funloving Ali that always smiles and laughs. He took that away from me, but I am slowly getting it back. I appreciate everyone's support. I rely on this forum everyday to get me through. Thank you so much!!! I need all comments and suggestions I can get.
Oct 11 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

Goldie and Alicat

This resonates with my ExN although he was never verbally or physically abusive, that is a deal breaker, you deserve so much better, I agree with Goldie's advice, stay away, why give him pictures? My ExN tried to lure me back in and said he would marry me if I did the swinging, sex clubs, sex with other men, women, whatever! I hadn't known his deep addiction for the 2 years we were together. I knew there was "something" but like all of us, had no idea to the extent or extreme until his mask came completely off. He is sick and disordered and was trying to control me, it is all about control, he thought he would wear me down and I would give in to his wishes, and in return live a life of travels, houses, cars and whatever I wanted. Of course under his spell, and that included buying me surgeries to make me into a more perfect person for him to show off. I don't need or want any surgeries but that is how sick they are. I'm sure he will or has found someone to give in to him for the lifestyle he can provide. My ex husband was verbally abusive and I took that for 16 years so I've developed a tough shell/wall not to take anything from a man ever again. We think we can change these men and our love will help them but it cannot, they are sick and disordered so our only option is to walk away.
Oct 11 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

No one drives another to hit them

This guy pisses me off and I do not even have to put up with him. All I can say to you my dear, is to STOP IT NOW!!! No more pics, no more saying you are sorry, no more trying to change this freak, no more believing that you did a damn thing to cause ANY of this. He hits you because he is a sick disordered asshole, not because you are timid or loving or sweet or insecure. You need to stop this; no more!!! He does not deserve your kindness and please do not say that you feel guilty if you are "mean" to him. There is nothing mean about never talking to this jackass again. He is sick in the head and apparently LOVES to blame it all on you. How can it be your fault that he is a sleezy, self serving, disgusting, sex addict who tries to lure sweet beautiful women into his filthy sick disordered web of anger, violence, sexual perversion, and whatever else this monster wants you to do. I cannot stand the sounds of him and trust me if I had a crack at him, his sorry disordered ass would be flat on the ground lying in horse shit and mud, and let's see who would get the last laugh then. He is not worth your time of day. Take the time to heal and if you cannot control yourself seeking him out, get to a good therapist and take a long vacation to visit a friend or relative. You will get through this and thank God that your friends can see what a piece of shit he is and have your back. If he comes near you again, you need to get a r/o. These whack jobs love to come back and try to suck you back in with all their lies about how much they love you now, can see the light, and have changed. Get ready for this and don't take the bait because he will never change. He has brought this crap into all of his relationships and it will be there in the next one. Just be ready, because the more you break away and get strong the more they will begin to try and suck you back in. He is loving this now, that you are all sorry and being sweet with the pics and all. This shows him that he is still in complete control. The time has come to take that control away from him and give it back to yourself where it belongs. Please do not do one more thing for this guy and resist the tempatation to go anywhere near him, he is no damn good. NC means No Contact. It means ignoring him and not responding to him. It means not finding any reason at all to contact him. I know you can do it, you have the support of the forum and your friends, one day at a time. If you get tempted come on here and vent. We all understand, we have been right where you are now. God bless, Goldie
Oct 11 - 10AM
Used
Used's picture

alicat

NC is the only why we can go,and the only way we will get any peace...i am 2years nc today...i know now, i was not special and nor was he...all words that never fitted the actions....thats how you can tell know about people, not what they say BUT WHAT THEY DO SPEAKS VOLUMES....we will help you ,as i have been helped,and you will get there as i have got there....good luckxx
Oct 11 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
alicat
alicat's picture

Thank you Used for the words

Thank you Used for the words of encouragement. I am so glad you are finally happy and free! I am so looking forward to that day. I need this forum to keep me going. Thanks again!