NO CONTACT, ONE DAY AT A TIME

Hi, Im new here and Ive been reading people's stories and getting much support here for about a mo now...I was with my N for a year and a half. I realized many months ago that there was no hope for our "relationship" when i really started seeing clearly how much he didnt care about me, and knew that it was always going to be all about him,etc. I just didnt want to exept it so kept trying to make it work anyway.
Starting from the beginning of our relationship, things were very up and down. He was struggling with a drug addiction, and I ended up playing the role of a fixer/rescuer...that really bonded me to him for some reason.He had 90 days clean when i met him, so my wishful thinking told me he'll stay that way.Looking back,i realize how that sounds now.Anyway, because of the way i used to worry about him so much (when he'd be out on a relapse), and cause of the desserted feeling i had when he would disappear those times and refuse to answer my texts --not caring that i was worried or that he was suppose to meet me somewhere, i used to think that if he would just stay clean, that everything would be great and i would be happy.
Well, he finally did start staying clean (still is i think)...but because of all that drama, i couldnt see clearly how he really was until later. At first i couldnt put my finger on exactly what he was doing that was upsetting me, but every time ide spend the day with him, ide come home either angry or insecure, or hurt.
Let me tell you some of his favourite things to do: He dearly loves to come against everything i say, and act like he cant relate even if he can;he never laughs when im joking around, but laughs when im talking seriously and mocks my expressions and gestures; he is gifted at putting almost everyone and everything before me---if he is ever excited or worked-up or obsessed with anything, believe me, its not over me. And, he likes to correct me alot... and was totally unaffectionate, AND DESIRES PORNO BUT NOT ME!!!That one really takes the cake.
I dont appreciate his constant lying and hiding things from me either, but one thing that really stands out in my mind, that was especially hurtful, is that i gave my whole heart to him and he had his walls up all along. I know i sound angry but i tried so hard to make it work. I was so sweet to him for so long, and i finally caught on that he hated that! I used to be so affectionate with him all the time, and always attentive.But after a while i started to notice that brought out a mean side of him, and he'd start pulling away. Then when i started to pull back and trying to make myself tough on the inside, he'd be all nice again.
One time when i had him over for dinner and we were getting along just fine, he said "Maybe some day we'll just be really good friends." I was crying and asked him "How can you say that to someone you claim to be in love with?!" He tried to back out of it saying that he was just trying to keep his gaurd up cause he's never had a relationship work out so far., bla bla bla
Anyway,i have stepped back after more than a yr of this bs. I couldnt bring myself to say goodbye, so i just said "im not ready to see you yet, and i also dont have hope for our relationship anymore". He always says he loves me and that he never wants to lose me, but his actions say different. His refusal to give to the relationship speaks volumes. Im glad to know im not alone.