Night Owl's Story

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#1 Dec 31 - 7PM
Night Owl
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Night Owl's Story

Night Owl and the Narcissist

First of all I want to say thanks for reading this and I appreciate all comments. I learned that sharing our story is very important - I just recently got to talk to the ex-girlfriend of my N and also the wife of N's best friend and it was so good to know that I am not crazy or overreacting or imagining things like N would say. Other people have seen and experienced the mind games my N put me through.

I was with my N for almost 4 years and I left him right before Christmas. He has been calling and though it is hard I have not been answering, as I don't want to be lulled into going back with him. So here I sit here a week later on New Year's Eve talking to you guys.

I had been married 13 years and was newly divorced when I met my N. My ex husband was not an N, he is a nice guy but we were meant to be friends and not lovers, we had an amicable divorce and have a friendly relationship now.

So here I am 40 years old, overweight, lacking confidence and I meet my N who is very good looking and in the beginning was attentive and fun and oh my gosh the sex was amazing. I was pinching myself that I had found this great guy.

Then after a few months things started changing....

In the beginning when I came over he would greet me and would sit and talk with me. After a few months I would come over and he would be watching TV and not get off the couch and his eyes barely left the TV.

It got to be a Jekyl and Hyde situation, if a friend or family member called or came over he would be sociable and charming. But for me he could barely talk. This is pathetic but I would actually get jealous of cashiers, waitresses, etc. because he would be flirty and friendly with them.

When we first started dating he would call me every night and we would have long talks. Those phonecalls didn't last, after a few months it seemed like he only called me to see if I was coming over and the calls were brief. Like I said above, he could talk and be sociable with others but it's like he would turn it off for me. I have read that is a trait of N's.

For example on his birthday I asked what he wanted to do and he said just stay home I could make him dinner. So we stayed home and later that night his friend stopped by and he tells him "I'm so glad you came over, I've been cooped up in the house all day!". That made me so mad as I had offered to take him out to dinner, go to the beach, etc. and he was the one who wanted to stay home. ARGH!

I've read about gaslighting and I felt like he tried to make me look crazy. In fact he called his exes 'wacko bitches' and I am betting they weren't, that he played the same games with them.

The amazing lovemaking turned into him wanting to be serviced by me. Now I don't mind making the guy happy, but it got to be instead of initiating sex he would just want me to (excuse my language) go down on him. I am guessing this was a control issue, typical of an N.

Don't even get me started about his family. He is an only child and can do no wrong. His parents (especially his Mom) are self centered and I am guessing Narcissists too. They would stop over anytime and not knock - just walk in. They would call constantly. His mom seems obsessed with him, but I tried to tell myself not to be selfish, that this is his family. But like I said above I recently talked to his ex-girlfriend and she said to me "his Mom acts like she is HIS GIRLFRIEND". Which again made me glad to know somebody else noticed this and I was not overreacting! Also his mother and father would badmouth N's ex-wives and girlfriends because of course their son couldn't be at fault (insert eyeroll here!). So I know my name will be mud now.

I met my N at school (we took the same college course) and I had heard him talk about how badly he had been treated by his exwife. At the time I thought "that poor man, I would treat him right". Of course I was playing right into his hands. And I would find out that he was the one mistreating his wife not vice versa.

When he got his computer I checked the history on it and he was looking at dating sites. He didn't sign up for them but he would look at women's profiles. When I finally confronted him about it he turned it around on me and said I was wrong for being nosy. He had a woman he worked with he would talk about and I always believed if given the opportunity he would cheat. I don't think he didn't cheat on me because of morals, I think it was because of lack of opportunity.

His favorite saying was "I am not going to apologize or explain myself, if I am not your cup of tea then move on". Charming, eh?

If I would speak up to him at all he would tell me to go home. So it got to be I bit my lip because I wanted to stay at his house (I have my own place but would stay there on weekends and sleep over on some weeknights).

To add the cherry on top, he was a drinker. This didn't help the Jekyl and Hyde personality because when he drank he would be talkative and affectionate. It was like he had 2 modes - drunk and deadbeat. Honestly at first I didn't know he was an alcoholic as I had never been around one and also when we first started dating we only saw each other Friday night & Saturday so I figured he was just partying on the weekend. Foolish me...

I know I put up with his ways because I was so happy to be with somebody, and to be honest I think it was because I hadn't been this physically attracted to somebody since I was a teenager! This is sick but I was always attracted to him, even when he was nasty to me.

So thanks for getting this far, I'm trying hard to have the strength to stay away from him and keep NC and this site is very motivating.

Jan 2 - 5PM
Hunter
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Welcome to Narcville.. No

Welcome to Narcville.. No Contact for you. Hunter
Jan 2 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
Night Owl
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Thanks

Thanks for the welcome. I have been reading this site a lot the last week and enjoy your posts, you get right to the point. Although it is hard I know NC is the only way to go. I know how he can pour on the charm when he wants to and I don't want to weaken. *edited to add your "No Contact for you" reminds me of the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld. hee!
Jan 2 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
Hunter
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I'm the NC

I'm the NC Nazi... Delete,Delete,Delete... Hunter
Jan 1 - 12PM
HardToBelieve
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Gosh

Hi and welcome. I recognize so much of what you're saying. Especially the comment: "I am not going to apologize or explain myself, if I am not your cup of tea then move on". My ex-narc would say something along the lines too. He asked me not to waste his time if I was doubting our relationship. If I showed any signs of being insecure he would say he is wasting his time because he needed a confident girlfriend. Then again, when I said I wanted to break up that's when he came crawling back. Contradicting yes.
Jan 1 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
Night Owl
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Hey HardToBelieve

Thanks for your reply. Like you said, I think they said things like that to shut us up and avoid being confronted. ARGH! Another favorite saying of my ex N was "I don't need a woman, I can live very well on my own" - another way to threaten me to be submissive. My N would say he wanted a confident woman too, which is so ironic when I look at who he had relationships with. He always seemed to pick women who needed him because then he could pull his crap on them. If he had a truly confident woman she wouldn't put up with his nonsense. ;)
Dec 31 - 7PM
ruby01 (not verified)
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Welcome,

You are in good company here. You seem to be very aware and that is a huge step forward for you. It does take a lot of self control in the beginning to keep clarity on the situation. In order to progress further in healing make every effort you can to keep anything and everything about this abuser out of your present day. You may never slip and just continue forward. That would be great. When the pain you experience from associating with him is unbearable for you, you will stop. I'm glad you are here. xxx, Ruby
Dec 31 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Night Owl
Night Owl's picture

Hello Ruby

Thanks for your reply and here's to the self control to stay away from N! :)
Dec 31 - 7PM
ACgirl
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Hi Night Owl

Stay on this sight, and read everyone's posts. That helped me a great deal. I just wrote my goodbye letter to my N. It's hard to let go, but once you do, the sky will suddenly appear more blue and the world will be brighter. It took me a very very long time. But the more I read on this sight and bought books, the more I felt empowered. And please don't feel insecure about being overweight. Some of the sexiest women alive have meat on their bones and the weight makes them look younger. You are hot no matter what!! Happy New Year!! Let's make 2012 the best year ever and NARC FREE!! HUGS TO YOU. ACgirl
Dec 31 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Night Owl
Night Owl's picture

Hi ACGirl

Thanks ACgirl for your uplifting remarks, you made my night! As for being overweight, I do want to lose weight to be healthier (and of course look better). But the weird thing is my N's exwife and girlfriends were all thin, some of them very thin. I never understood why he chose me because I looked so different than who had been with before. And finally he told me - his parents told him to find a big woman because they would treat him better. OH BROTHER! I was sorry I asked. And the funny thing is he claimed I didn't treat him better. ;) But honestly he could have the perfect woman and still find fault with her. Not that I am perfect but you know what I mean.... I agree, let's make 2012 the BEST YEAR EVER!!!