Night Owl's Story
Night Owl's Story
Night Owl and the Narcissist
First of all I want to say thanks for reading this and I appreciate all comments. I learned that sharing our story is very important - I just recently got to talk to the ex-girlfriend of my N and also the wife of N's best friend and it was so good to know that I am not crazy or overreacting or imagining things like N would say. Other people have seen and experienced the mind games my N put me through.
I was with my N for almost 4 years and I left him right before Christmas. He has been calling and though it is hard I have not been answering, as I don't want to be lulled into going back with him. So here I sit here a week later on New Year's Eve talking to you guys.
I had been married 13 years and was newly divorced when I met my N. My ex husband was not an N, he is a nice guy but we were meant to be friends and not lovers, we had an amicable divorce and have a friendly relationship now.
So here I am 40 years old, overweight, lacking confidence and I meet my N who is very good looking and in the beginning was attentive and fun and oh my gosh the sex was amazing. I was pinching myself that I had found this great guy.
Then after a few months things started changing....
In the beginning when I came over he would greet me and would sit and talk with me. After a few months I would come over and he would be watching TV and not get off the couch and his eyes barely left the TV.
It got to be a Jekyl and Hyde situation, if a friend or family member called or came over he would be sociable and charming. But for me he could barely talk. This is pathetic but I would actually get jealous of cashiers, waitresses, etc. because he would be flirty and friendly with them.
When we first started dating he would call me every night and we would have long talks. Those phonecalls didn't last, after a few months it seemed like he only called me to see if I was coming over and the calls were brief. Like I said above, he could talk and be sociable with others but it's like he would turn it off for me. I have read that is a trait of N's.
For example on his birthday I asked what he wanted to do and he said just stay home I could make him dinner. So we stayed home and later that night his friend stopped by and he tells him "I'm so glad you came over, I've been cooped up in the house all day!". That made me so mad as I had offered to take him out to dinner, go to the beach, etc. and he was the one who wanted to stay home. ARGH!
I've read about gaslighting and I felt like he tried to make me look crazy. In fact he called his exes 'wacko bitches' and I am betting they weren't, that he played the same games with them.
The amazing lovemaking turned into him wanting to be serviced by me. Now I don't mind making the guy happy, but it got to be instead of initiating sex he would just want me to (excuse my language) go down on him. I am guessing this was a control issue, typical of an N.
Don't even get me started about his family. He is an only child and can do no wrong. His parents (especially his Mom) are self centered and I am guessing Narcissists too. They would stop over anytime and not knock - just walk in. They would call constantly. His mom seems obsessed with him, but I tried to tell myself not to be selfish, that this is his family. But like I said above I recently talked to his ex-girlfriend and she said to me "his Mom acts like she is HIS GIRLFRIEND". Which again made me glad to know somebody else noticed this and I was not overreacting! Also his mother and father would badmouth N's ex-wives and girlfriends because of course their son couldn't be at fault (insert eyeroll here!). So I know my name will be mud now.
I met my N at school (we took the same college course) and I had heard him talk about how badly he had been treated by his exwife. At the time I thought "that poor man, I would treat him right". Of course I was playing right into his hands. And I would find out that he was the one mistreating his wife not vice versa.
When he got his computer I checked the history on it and he was looking at dating sites. He didn't sign up for them but he would look at women's profiles. When I finally confronted him about it he turned it around on me and said I was wrong for being nosy. He had a woman he worked with he would talk about and I always believed if given the opportunity he would cheat. I don't think he didn't cheat on me because of morals, I think it was because of lack of opportunity.
His favorite saying was "I am not going to apologize or explain myself, if I am not your cup of tea then move on". Charming, eh?
If I would speak up to him at all he would tell me to go home. So it got to be I bit my lip because I wanted to stay at his house (I have my own place but would stay there on weekends and sleep over on some weeknights).
To add the cherry on top, he was a drinker. This didn't help the Jekyl and Hyde personality because when he drank he would be talkative and affectionate. It was like he had 2 modes - drunk and deadbeat. Honestly at first I didn't know he was an alcoholic as I had never been around one and also when we first started dating we only saw each other Friday night & Saturday so I figured he was just partying on the weekend. Foolish me...
I know I put up with his ways because I was so happy to be with somebody, and to be honest I think it was because I hadn't been this physically attracted to somebody since I was a teenager! This is sick but I was always attracted to him, even when he was nasty to me.
So thanks for getting this far, I'm trying hard to have the strength to stay away from him and keep NC and this site is very motivating.
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