New & Scared. Feeling so Helpless

19 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 12 - 4PM

over-it

New & Scared. Feeling so Helpless

This is my first time posting but have been reading for a year. My story is the same as everyone elses but just alittle bit different. I went out with my N boyfriend for over 3 years. Was D & D'd a million times but always went back thinking this time I learned what to do & not do to make him happy. Well, as we all know the rules are ever changing. The final break-up was, he got another girlfriend and brought her home. We are next door neighbors. This was my absolute punishment and happened a year ago. I went thru hell, crying and healing in my house but seeing everything he was doing with her. About 4 months later, when he got her hooked, he started professing his undying love to me, missing me and wanting to marry me. I fell for it, it lasted 7 weeks (this was in June). Well, he is back at it again and has been since October. I have changed my cell no., blocked him from my home phone no., blocked him from facebook but he will not give up. He leaves notes, food and watches when I come home. I have tried no contact for 3 months but he is relentless. He will not give up. A few weeks ago, I gave in, I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted his persistance and the pain to go away. A bit of info. you need to know, is that throughout the year he always kept his girlfriend, just D & Ding her was she was a very bad girl.

What scares me and why I am writing, is that I am so afraid I am going to fall for it again (how much he loves me). He would marry tomorrow. I have seen, 3 girls and me go thru the same abusive relationship. His wife died (literally) of a broken heart at age 40, we were friends and I never believed her when she told me what she went through. After 20 yrs, with him, she looked crazy and he had me convinced of it. I have a hard time forgiving myself for not helping her.

I have a psychology degree, I am strong, independent and knowlagable in N. but he has turned me into a crazy, little girl. I turn into a different person around him and its so scary. I just want him to leave me alone but he wont until we are married and then I know the real hell begins. I have been no contact and fighting him off for so long and I am tired. I am getting weak because I truly do love him and when its good its so good. This is so hard, even though I know he will continually hurt me. Can someone please give me some words of wisdom and stop me from destroying my life.

#2 Feb 13 - 12PM

helldweller

over-it

You dear girl. Have you been following my story on here? Mine lived next door to me, too, the entire time. In fact, we were rebulding the house between ours as "our" home for "our" family. I moved away because of him, just a few blocks just so I wouldn't have to see him go out constantly, watch his every move and so I wouldn't have to be there the day he brought another woman home. I still have to see him every day at the schoolyard, twice a day. I found out that he had women over to his house--through the back door--all the time while we were "in love" and engaged. Next door. It is a fresh day in Hell every single day. I don't have to imagine the nightmare you are living. I live it every day. I am just going to pray for you. You have to get out of there. He ruined the lives of at least a dozen women that I know of. His fiancee is now sixty and alone. She could never love anyone else. He has another woman he's had for twenty years who is resigned to her fate. Another one showed up at my door begging for the truth years ago. Another one --his high school girlfriend--still sits at home every night waiting for him to call, which he does. Another one aborted his baby because she found out about me. I miscarried our baby because I found out about the woman who was mothering "our" foster child behind my back. You have to get out of there. You have to.

#3 Feb 13 - 4PM (Reply to #18)

over-it

Helldweller

Yes, I have been following your story and our stories are so similiar its scary. When you posted about the couch being thrown out, well mine was a big tv. LOL. I always wanted to post and tell you that you werent alone and there is someone going thru the same thing as you. I think in the back of my mind, I thought, if you dont talk about it, it will just go away. Silly, I know. I am so glad you got away from him! I was cheering you on! The easy answer does seem to move but this is my home not just a house to me. I also am afraid that he will move someday in her house so if I would give up my home and he moves anyway that would really suck. Another thing is, he is living here illegally. He is from England and yes, I have thought about doing, what you're thinking.

#4 Feb 13 - 10AM

Happy1

over-it

It sounds like you have taken some great strides by blocking him from facebook, phone, home, etc. I know it's harder with you living close, so I cannot relate to that. But I do know it would drive me insane to be that close and I would do everything I could to get away from him. Are you seeing a therapist? It helps to talk to someone in person about what is happening as well. This forum has saved me from a lifetime of pain. I have all the ladies here to thank for the constant support they've been for my ups and downs. You are on here talking so you know No Contact is the only way. I haven't posted very much lately, but I do when I need too. In the beginning I was asking 2 or 3 questions on here every day. It's needed for us to understand and know we are not alone. I hope you continue to post and start the healing you need to feel better. Happy1

#5 Feb 13 - 6AM

agnesmurphy17

Marriage?

Of course he wants to marry you. His first wife is dead, & now he needs a replacement. A self-object to ground him. In fact, this is why he is your neighbor & does not move. And, the question is why you do not move? Sell, even at a loss, this is a question of your soul. If you really want NO CONTACT get a restraining order. If he bothers you, you can have him arrested. But, even contact at a distance is damaging. Read aceonlady's comment below & her whole history. Apparently even watching her N operate on the internet has been contact for her & holding her back in her recovery. And, if you are a psychologist, then you know that you are attacted to this man because there is something familiar in him which resonates with something in your childhood. As my psychiatrist said: "Agnes, you can continue to come here & pay me to listen to what your husband does. But, at some point, you must accept what he does if you are going to remain in this martriage. Or, you leave." Same for you. If you marry him, you accept the situation for what it is. If you cannot accept, then don't marry him & get away from him by moving. This man will never let you go--why should he? You seem to be playing the role his now deceased wife played. His self-object, his mommy, always there mopping up after him & his messes.

#6 Feb 13 - 7AM (Reply to #15)

onwithmylife

FOR AGNES MURPHY

Agnes, what you said about being a psychologist and having issues from the past resonated with me, because my EXNarc reminded me so much of my father and several therapists pointed that over time i was revisiting the relationship I had with my father, who died when I was only 14 years old and never grieved over his death because I had to carry my mother through it all ,just in the same manner he was revisiting his mother onto all his 5 relationships with women, for never getting the unconditional love he so desperately sought, hence taking all his hatred/anger/frustrations out on the women unwittingly or not, that i have not decided if he consciencely knew what he was doing? What are your thoughts on what I said?

#7 Feb 13 - 7AM (Reply to #14)

Amazed

And taking advantage of you

Cheating behind your back, lying, being fake to you, someone who doesn't care for you...that is quite a monster to marry....I have seen how they take advantage of their madonna type,,,horrible.

#8 Feb 13 - 5AM

gettinbetter

Im curious about something..

What was his wife's actual cause of death? 40 is pretty darn young to die. I have posted on here many times that back a couple of months ago I felt a general unwellness almost like I was slowly being poisoned and dying ever so slowly. I even got 2 boils. I know it was all of the emotional stress. I guess im just curious what kind of illness manifest in her. I truly believe these people are poison to your mind, body and spirit.

#9 Feb 13 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

over-it

sick of it

His wife turned into an alcoholic. She drank until she passed out, probably 5 times a week. I believe it was the only way she could cope with the hurt. She would come over just crying her eyes out and could never really tell me what he did to her. So I believed him that she was a crazy drunk. Now I know she was not. I knew her for about 2 years and she tried to commit suicide twice. He had enough of her drunkenness, so sent her thousands of miles away, back to their country. Four months later, she died. He told me, she fell down the steps and broke her neck because she was so drunk. In my heart, I believe she committed suicide. Either way, he was indirectly responsible for her death.

#10 Feb 13 - 6AM (Reply to #11)

agnesmurphy17

My Friend

My friend spent almost 10 years & had two children with a pathologically disordered man. She developed breast cancer in her forties. She survived. But, there is a belief that stress reduces the effectiveness of the immune system. People living in high stress are more likely to develop cancers, & other illnesses.

#11 Feb 13 - 3AM

Scotchy71

over it

My advice is this....every time you're tempted by him, think of his wife.....what makes you think he'll treat you any better? Their behaviour is the same with everyone, this is how they operate - they don't improve with time/age etc. The longer you keep going back, the more you will lose yourself and the more he takes from you for himself until there's nothing left. Why would you want to go back to someone who uses you and others? The minute you displease him (and you will), he will just move on to someone else. Nothing you ever do will be enough for this narc, he's playing his games and to win you over will make him happy - only because HE'S WON. The minute he has you again, the abuse will begin again. Be strong and for your own sanity nc nc nc nc..it's the only way, how many years do you want to waste? xx

#12 Feb 13 - 1AM

Disillusionedx2

welcome Over it

I am sorry you are having a hard time containing your emotions and maintaining NC, as someone pointed out you have armed yourself with knowledge of NPD so won't waste time with that which you already know, it's what you DON'T know that could kill the deal, literally. You said you have hung with him through three women? Yikes, are you protecting yourself? Is he? I doubt it, which alone should scare the N out of your life, only GOD knows who else there is. Living so close to him can't be a good thing, but I think about my neighbors and while I have no issues with any of them I rarely see them, so either move or ignore him no matter how close he is. Sure, you love him, I don't think anyone here will deny they loved/still love N but you must love him on different terms....from a distance, they are pure poison, through and through, nothing good will come from giving in to his lies. You must tap into your inner strength, endure some pain and grief now to prevent disaster/tragedy later, don't ruin your life dealing with him, get out now or lose your soul forever, best wishes to you, I pray you choose YOU! stay~strong

stay~strong

#13 Feb 12 - 10PM

aceonelady

Over it...Aceonelady

Well,those creatures only attack ,strong and beautiful women....Me too always have been strong,moved from South America to Europe,30 years ago,no family whatsoever,and won every obstacle that crossed my path...believe me my life would make a tear jerker Lifetime movie....But with the N/P is a totally other ball game....i became a frightened.insecure,sad,off balance child ,he broke up my self worth,self esteem,my love for life,and worst even my ability to listen to music....(please read mmy story,and believe me there is more to it ,so gruesome that i do not dare to write)Now he changed his Phone number,blocked me on Skipe and disppearead from the internet,changing his Nickname on sites....He wants nothing to do with me because he is afraid of what i know about him....And you know what?2 years after D & D ,since 6 weeks since he disappearead totally,i start to feel different...still a wreck but working out at the gym,and even able to watch a movie.....those guys are toxic,i still have a long way to go but i feel like loving myself again...go with the flow of emotions,but please go NC i wish i had,but now he did,thnk God....HUGHS...And believe me,they really do not change,mine told me something that i think was the only truth he ever told me...That he is dirt and a brick wall,he do not care if he lives or die,why would he care about me?Believe me is the truth about them!

Aceonelady

#14 Feb 13 - 6AM (Reply to #7)

agnesmurphy17

aceonlady!

I wondered where you were? I sorta hoped that you were off on a new relationship & life, therefore, we heard nothing from you. I am glad he's now gone.

#15 Feb 12 - 7PM

Amazed

Over-it, and listen,,,,

He changes you into a little girl,,that should say it all...you WILL NOT SURVIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM

#16 Feb 12 - 5PM

onwithmylife

Over-It

You need to go no contact, that is the only way, I am saying what everyone else has said, do not get sucked in to him,it is up to YOU not to let him wear you down, you are the only one who can save yourself.If you think your life is HELL now just wait if you marry the man, i nearly did and boy would i be insane or a bag lady or dead.not kidding by the way

#17 Feb 12 - 5PM

fear2freedom

Over-It

I know how it feels to just want it to stop. The constant attempts at contact and protestations of love are exhausting. I used to feel like it was draining the life force from me. But I encourage you to stay strong. He doesn't have your best interest at heart - he only cares about himself. I keep a notebook where I list all the reasons I shouldn't be with my N. When I feel weak, I review them to remind myself of what he's done and that I can never ever go back there. I know you're going through a tough patch, but you are stronger than you know. He doesn't have the right to keep hurting you. You can stay away from him - I have faith in you.

#18 Feb 12 - 5PM

Hunter

Over it

If you've been reading for a year then you know what to do. NC. Im sorry but has anything else worked for you? I lived across the streeet from mine. NC is possible. Good Luck Idealk

#19 Feb 12 - 4PM

Mindy

Over-It

I'm so sorry you're going though this. LIving right next door must make it so hard. I feel your pain. I really do. You said when it's good, it's really good. It "feels" good, but it's not... because it's not real. If he cared about you at all, could he allow you to hurt while he was hooking up with someone else right next door? He doesn't feel a thing for you. He is only dreading the sense of loss he will feel if he doesn't have you at his disposal, to fall back on whenever his extra-curricular activities don't pan out. And what if he meets someone who he decides to put higher up on the totem pole? Then what happens to you? I know it's hard. I'm going through it too. But everyone on here is right. You have to get away and sever all ties. It's not going to change. No contact is the only way to go. You may love him, but you have to love yourself more. Why waste another day being tormented? If he was going to treat you better, he would have... Save yourself and get out. *Big Hug to you. Be strong. You can do it.

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