New Here..but he jUST broke NC! HELP!

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#1 Dec 15 - 1PM
NessMIA
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New Here..but he jUST broke NC! HELP!

Hi all..I'm new here, and was hoping to post my story before anything else, but he jUST broke NC and I took the bait! Sorry if this post is too long!

Background story: I was in a "relationship" with him for a year. However, he never admitted we were in a relationship. Instead, he called me his "friend" and introduced me as such. We took vacations togethers, we spent every day together, I kept a toothbrush at his house...the whole nine yards. Last couple of months were rough, as the needier I became the more he pushed away. He'd kick me out of the house during fights, and whenever I'd cry, he would look at me straight on the face and say "I don't need this drama , go home." He would also tell me I would be a "10" if I worked on having a butt, and dressed better. I turned into a mess, and HE kicked me to the curb a week ago after I found out he had met up with an ex-gf. He called me a psycho, and that I needed to get help and work on my self-esteem issues.

His friends told me that EVERY girl that he's been..he has broken. When we were hanging out about 6 months ago--a girl knocked on his door at 11pm crying asking to talk to him. He had kicked her to the curb a year before. His friends never really said anything to him, but THIS TIME when he got rid of me...they did. All of his friends took a liking to me, so when we had the huge fight last week, all of his friends told him he was a selfish and needed to learn how to treat people better. They also told him to leave me alone and let me be free.

For a week now, I've been going to the therapist, I re-lapsed 3 days after our fight..and wrote him a letter begging him to work things out (pathetic i know) and he never reached out. The last few days have been tough for me..but I HAVE NOT reached out. I deactivated Facebook and have tried to keep myself busy.

But today he broke NC. I knew something was wrong because he signed on to ichat (I had forgotten to remove him!) and when we were together he only signed on to talk to me. All morning I saw his screename on my buddy list...but I felt EMPOWERED having him right in front of my face and not messaging him. I went to lunch and came to the following messages from him..

"What a mess. What a mess we are in Vanessa."
"I don't know what to do and I'm sick of hearing everyone's fucking opinion on what happened."
"Things for me have gotten to the point that i have to leave miami. i just cant stay here anymore. You brought people into this so they feel thay have a right to say whatever thay want based on how its been handled."
"You need to see how angry I am and disappointed. I'm not mad at your reaction as much as i am about how you handled it all after that. and now i have nothing. You won.
You get miami as your prize."

And I took the bait. I basically said "things have not been easy for me either, but I've been focusing on myself. Trying to keep busy. Your friends will always be your friends."

and then he said he had to go to lunch but would be back.

WHAT IS HE TRYING TO DO TO ME?!!!! I am not as upset as I am CONFUSED. !

Dec 16 - 8AM
NessMIA
NessMIA's picture

I BLOCKED HIM/HE INSULTED ME

Thank you all for your words of advice!!! It is so so hard to go NC with him as he knows exactly what buttons to push. He knows the silent treatment kills me. After our conversation yesterday, he came back from lunch and I had deleted him from ichat. He then proceeded to e-mail me, telling me I was acting like a crazy person and that he didn't want to talk to me ever again (he messaged ME first) and what a bad person I am. If I am such a bad person...can't he just go away?
Dec 16 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
spinning
spinning's picture

Ness, make him go away...

...block him everywhere. You are No Contact now and that means NO CONTACT. Block his e-mails, block him from your phone, block him from all social networking, etc. He goes away when you erase him! He can't "push your buttons" if you are not accessible to him. He says he doesn't want to talk to you ever again...Great! Make him stick to it. BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK AND DELETE DELETE DELETE. If you really want to stop the chaos and madness and abuse, you will be so glad you did. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. BECAUSE I'M COMPLETELY NO CONTACT!

spinning

Dec 16 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
NessMIA
NessMIA's picture

Just wrote in another post..I

Just wrote in another post..I HAVE to see him tomorrow. I have so much anxiety over it :( http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/12/16/i-have-see-him-tomorrow
Dec 16 - 8AM (Reply to #9)
Alissa
Alissa's picture

"He goes away when you erase

"He goes away when you erase him!" Love that line!!
Dec 16 - 3AM
Femmegem
Femmegem's picture

Hi Ness

I am so sorry to hear to hear your sad story and understand your pain, we all do. He is a selfish jerk who took advantage of your good nature. I hope you find the strength to avoid him and stay NC. I broke NC few weeks ago and it ruined my recovery, but this time I am committed to booting him out of my life for good. He means nothing to me now! You can do it, every month congratulate yourself on how far you've gone without him. You don't need him, he just manipulated you into feeling that way. He doesn't deserve your concern for him or your false relationship. You don't even have to explain yourself, just focus on yourself, your healing and staying positive. Best of luck.
Dec 16 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
NessMIA
NessMIA's picture

How did you break NC?

How did you break NC?
Dec 15 - 1PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

He's baiting you .......trying to

He's baiting you...trying to get you to feel bad. Don't let him!! Remove iChat or at least remove him from your friends list. Whether he moves or doesn't really has nothing to do with you. Think about it...he is accusing you of making him move. Only a Narc would think in these terms. I am so sorry you are hurting...you need to remove any remaining connections you have so that he can't try to pull you back in again. Welcome to the board. TNR-1
Dec 15 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcvilee.. First

Welcome to Narcvilee.. First ..he didn't break NC you did.. NC is for you.. Get familiar with the terms ..NC is for your protection.. He may give you the Silent treatment or he may be. A Hoover .. Either way.. You must NEVER speak to this creature again NEVER.. His history tells you who he is.. his friends even gave you warning.. You are no different than the one that came before and the one that will follow.. It's sounds to me like you are a dealing with a psychopath.. You are about to experience a ride of your life... You can get better but you must start at the begining to get to the end.. Read,Read,Read.. Buy Lisa's Books and You said you have a therapist.. May I suggest you go two times a week right off the bat. Get to work.. Yes work.. You been in an abusive relationship it's time to leave him go NC and find you again.. Hunter
Dec 15 - 1PM
nancyh
nancyh's picture

Hi NessMIA, to answer your

Hi NessMIA, to answer your question, "WHAT IS HE TRYING TO DO TO ME?" He is messing with your head and look, it's working, you are confused. He wanted to see if you would respond when he threw out the bait and when you responded he got what he wanted (attention) and now feels good that you are still down and sad about him that he's going to F with you now (i.e., going to lunch) - We can all relate to those types of games. And he didn't break NC, you did by responding. NC is not about punishing him but it is about freedom for you and taking control of you, your time and your decisions - you are no longer saying "how high" when he says, "jump". Ns hate to lose control over their possessions (you) even when they are the one that devalued and discarded (d&d) the relationship. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Unfortunately your scenario is the same as many on this forum. You are NOT pathetic - he is, period. Please stay no contact. Any reaction you give them is exactly what they want - they don't care if you are crying, angry, or happy, they just want to make sure you are responding. Stick close to the board. Post here rather than responding. Stay NC. Major hugs to you, Nan

Nan

Dec 15 - 1PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Hi, Ness,

welcome to the forum. First of all, he didn't break NC, you did. No contact means YOUR CHOICE to reject all contact with the chaotic world of an abuser and someone who causes you pain. When you make that decision, the rest falls into place. It is not easy and it is very very confusing from your point of view, but to put it in a nutshell he behaved in a textbook way. You changed the pattern of chasing after him...he waited to see if you really meant that and he hoovered because he wants to keep you in the supply loop. Ness, you need to UNDERSTAND what you are dealing with in order to lessen your confusion. His behavior is textbook. Read here and you will see that. What you do with this knowledge is up to you, Ness. Obviously you know this "relationship" is detrimental to your well-being or you wouldn't have landed here. Ness, keep reading and choose whether or not you want to continue dancing in the spiral circle to darkness or winding your way into the light one minute at a time by REJECTING ALL CONTACT AND COMMUNICATION from someone who has CHOSEN to devalue and discard you, treat you poorly, give you the silent treatment and crumbs. He actually D & D'd you again by rushing off for lunch...that's how much of a priority this is to him. You don't have to do anything at the moment but take care of yourself. You owe him nothing and getting into conversations about what a "mess" things are won't change that mess. By engaging with him he will continue to get the message that treating you badly is okay with you. IT'S NOT! Go No Contact and clear the fog. Ness, sweety, I hope this helps some. This forum is filled with tools and information and support and compassion. You have options. YOu have a choice. You can choose yourself! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. BECAUSE IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE ME

spinning