New Here - Trying to release his grip from me

I haven't lived with him for over a year and it's been 10 months since I last saw him. Our divorce is just about over. We were together for 8 years - so hard to believe.

Just recently I realized how much of a hold he had on me. I always knew he was full of himself and had no real conscience, but I didn't realize how that really affected ME.

I am actually in a relationship with a guy that I should have married 18 years ago. We met 27 years ago and he knows all of my baggage. I was diagnosed a year ago with PTSD from an attempted rape when I was 7 and with developmental trauma from how my family dealt with it. So needless to say - I had issues BEFORE I met my N.

Over a year ago, my N decided to get off his meds (Celexa and Xanax) and he went into severe sleep deprivation and became suicidal. During this time, he went to live with his mother and his N-ism became 10 times worse. She treated him like a king and he ate it up. My PTSD started in BIG time and because he wasn't working - I was trying to support us on just $3000 a month when we were used to an income of $8000 a month. I was stressing hard. I went to see him to talk to him about moving to a smaller place and his mom butted in and literally attacked me as I was trying to leave. She had me on the ground screaming outside her house. I screamed "leave me alone. let me go." over and over again. She slapped me and hit me and wouldn't let me go. I finally called 911. My N just stood there telling his mom to stop in a monotone voice.

Within 2 weeks, I had moved into a small apartment with my daughter (not his daughter). He couldn't believe that what his mother had done had really traumatized me. He started telling me that he thought I had an affair and that I was looking for a reason to leave him. I kept telling him to give me time to recover - that I just needed time. We just needed to separate for a while.

Like the true N that he is - he couldn't handle that. He couldn't handle being alone. Within a month, he was on 3 different dating sites and communicating and arranging meetings with other women. When I confronted him with it - he said he was just laying the groundwork in case it didn't work out between us. Needless to say I was done.

And I thought everything was good. I'd been focusing on my PTSD and recovering from the attack from his mom.

But then the other day I totally lied to my BF. He questioned me about driving my boss home and I lied. In my head I felt the fear of having to defend myself to my N AGAIN. He always hated that I worked. And he always thought I was having an affair. He questioned everything I did for my job. It got to the point where I avoided talking about my job completely. Because when he got in his rants - it would go on for hours and leave my mind spinning - even when I KNOW I did nothing wrong and it was just his own insecurities and attempts to control me.

So I realized that my BF asking me about driving my boss home triggered how I used to react to my N. He totally doesn't care if I drive my boss home - he just doesn't want me to lie - which is understood. And he won't rant and rave for hours about my job.

So now I am thinking that my N really did more damage than I thought. I found this site and I am amazed by the stories. I am reading The Path Forward and I see him in everything I've read. Now I just want to heal. I just want to get ME back.

I've felt so lost for so long. I don't even know who I truly am right now. It's amazing what these guys can do to us.