New and struggling

I had been with N off and on for several years. I first met him at work many years ago. I was physically attracted to him, but knew nothing about him. Years went by and it seem that we were just admiring each other from a distance. Then came the day where work brought us together and we developed a friendship. The first 6 months was just drinks and dinner, nothing sexual or romantic. He was a true gentleman. Then all of sudden, one day, he kissed me. I was taken back but happily surprised. That was the start of the relationship. The entire time we were friends, we talked about many things: life, work, relationships, etc... Never once did he say that the was involved with anyone, hence, why I welcomed the kiss six months later.

He was quite the gentleman the entire time we were dating. He was always taking care of me and doing whatever I wanted to do. It was some really good times. There were some rocky moments along the way, but nothing out of the ordinary (and so I thought). Fast forward and now we are two years into this. I thought some things were kind of odd, but every time I questioned him about it, he had an answer. So that was that. I had suspicions that he was married, but he never confirmed or admitted to it. Then one day, an innocent 3rd party confirmed that he was married. I knew at that point, I had to break things off. I was in love with this man but I was not about to compete with marriage, history and a family. We were apart an entire year and maintained NC the whole time. I thought I was over him Then we reconnected again through work but it was strictly platonic at first. Then he started sending me on trips with him and I thought that maybe his situation had changed. It had not. I broke things off a second time and kept that clean for almost a year. The contacted me during a vulnerable time and that was the start of round 3. In Round 3, he started to change. He was not as complimentary or attentive as he was the times before. He actually became kind of a jerk, but by now I had so much history with him. And when I was with him I felt safe. But our time together became more sporadic and he just wasn't as attentive as he once had been. I called him on it several times, but he just ran around it or blew me off.

Weill, finally, I couldn't stand it anymore after this last trip and have decided to move on. I have my good and my bars but there's not turning back now. On a good day, I have forgiven and wish him well. I would never contact him again to see what's become of him, but I do hope that PERHAPS he's changed for the better. I think his children deserve that much. On a bad day, I just hurt. I miss the IDEA of him and the memories we shared. I question on how I could have been so blind to continue on like I have. Even if he never admitted that he had a whole other life, I should have known better and moved on. I have to admit that he had never openly insulted me or physically abuse, but his quiet, suave style was just as bad I guess.

I want to push through this. I really do. I want to be over him as quickly as possible. The memories I can never erase, but I don't want them to affect as they still do.

Sorry this post is so long, but I just had to vent. NOTE - I was unknowingly the OW. Please help.