neveragain5's Story

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#1 Mar 15 - 11AM
neveragain5
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neveragain5's Story

I am not how many interactions I have had with Ns, but I am sure that it has been more than I would like.

Every one of my boyfriends, with the exception of 2 has had these tendencies. I have had bosses with these tendencies as well. It wasn't until my last interaction with the most obvious signs, did I research and discovery exactly what I was seeing.

It started 6 years ago; I was fresh out of a relationship that had ended, by all intents and purposes, a year prior. I met a guy through a friend that I was physically attracted to. At this time, I wasn't thinking of marriage or settling down. He had a daughter and had "issues” with his ex. Little did I know that his ex was either sociopathic or N, I'm not sure which.

My advocacy has always been for children and animals and this man's daughter was in a bad position. One thing led to another and this man and I ended up moving in together. I don’t know for sure if he was an N, but the relationship was not a healthy one. He drank heavily, intermitted and smoked a ton of pot. He left me alone a lot and would be gone for hours and hours, without calling. He would flirt with women right in front of me and didn’t care how I felt about it. Long story short, the stress from four and 1/2 years of living hell, not only with him, but also his daughter, his ex, both his brothers and his mom, left me exhausted.

Shortly after we broke up, I went to work for someone that I think was an N. During this time, I was exhausted all of the time and trying to date online, because I never had enough energy to go out. I started to see these same N signs through some of the people that I would talk to via email or phone. Most of them preferred to "talk" via text or email. Intermittent contact, calling me "beautiful" or "gorgeous", (yuck!). Needless to say, most of my dates were "one and dones". :) I just kept thinking, "Man, there are a lot of jerks out there", until I met this last one.

He was working on my relative's house because they are doing a remodel. I met him about 7 months ago and didn't think anything of it. First, I thought he was too young for me. My relative told me that he had asked about me and that they didn't think that he was as young as I thought. I saw him for months and barely talked to him. One day, he was working outside and got some sawdust on my car. He apologized and I said, "Don’t worry about it". He then took a hose and washed it off. This was where he first "hooked" me.

So months and months went by and he didn't approach me. We finally had a conversation around Thanksgiving and I found out that we had similar outlooks on life and that he was only 1 year younger than me. After the holidays, I didn't see him for about 3 weeks and then he approached me and asked me for my number. That's where the fun began!

He asked me out in a totally obnoxious way and I basically told him to "go to hell". He then proceeded to apologize and said that he was "a little rusty" in his female interactions because he hadn't dated in 3 years. He said that he wanted to wait to date the "right girl". I am not disbelieving in this statement. I know that he has definitely "hit" on girls in the last 3 years. I think that he knows there is something very wrong with him. He even told me as much and I believe that he struggles with it. He told me about his past and his sociopathic father and how he grew up exposed to porn. His mom was apparently very verbally abusive and his family was extremely dysfunctional. Of course me being me thought, "Poor guy! He's extremely functional for going through all of this". Yeah, right!

The push to commit and the "I love You's" came immediately. I was extremely skeptical, but everybody said, "He's such a great guy!”

We had very concentrated weekends together. We didn't leave the house and stayed in bed all day. In the past, I had not had sex with someone so fast. I was definitely under his spell. He had an erection almost immediately after we had sex, all day and all night and he ejaculated every time. It was an amazing experience, almost euphoric. What was that? Viagra?!! He seemed really excited during sex, almost like a teenager during his first time. But, the first time we got intimate, he was having problems with his erection.

Every time I spent these weekends with him, I would immediately try to break things off. As soon as he left, I would start to think about some of the strange things that he would do or say. He would fly into a rage when I would try to end things and would yell at me and tell me that I was accusing him of things that simply weren’t true. I KNEW they were true, I heard them! He only talked about himself all the time and kept talking about how he wanted me to move away and come live where he lived. He also wanted me to become involved in every aspect of his life. He kept talking about marriage and having kids. I’m pretty sure that he wanted to get me pregnant. I just kept telling him, “What’s the rush? Can’t we take time to figure out if we’re compatible?”

This went on for 2 months. I must have tried to break it off like 10 or 12 times. He came up to my parents for a weekend about a month ago. My nephews were up there with us. He acted like a spoiled brat all weekend and complained that we didn’t get any time together. My mom and I were taking care of my nephews, which is a high energy, full time job. He had little interaction with my nephews, had no interest in talking to my parents and also showed no interest in my parents rescue animals. My mom and dad did not like him and at that point, I knew that it had to end.

I think that the point has been reached where he is okay with us ending things, (I am too difficult for him). He is working on my relative’s house for the next week or two. I have made arrangements to not be there during that time and I am hoping that he will move on to his next “source”.

I am thankful for having figured out what I was seeing. I have been confused by the actions of these types of people for years and it helps to have a support group that understands. I am in hopes that going forward, I can use this knowledge to avoid interacting with these types of people and have develop healthy, interdependent relationships instead.

Mar 15 - 1PM
ForeverLearning
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Glad You Are In A Good Place Mentally

I'm glad you are in a good place mentally that is a big plus, good for you! You sound like a smart cookie. Wish I had been as smart at your age. Oh well, live and learn. I have noticed that relationships that move too fast are usually bad news. They want to get you off the market ASAP and turn your brain to mush through wild sex, before you have a chance to realize they are bad news unbalanced weirdos. Anyways, getting rid of him could be tough. He sounds like stalker material to me. Here is an article on becoming 'boring', it might help somewhat. Good luck and be safe. Oh and remember, that online dating stuff is crap. Try volunteering or group activities like Habitat for Humanity or Rock Climbing Adventure Groups or Bicycling Groups or Hiking Groups, stuff like that. Then you have a chance to watch a man interacting with others, to see if you detect he is a weirdo or not. Just my 2 cents. And oh yeah, if they only want to text / e-mail and avoid the phone conversations, they are bad news for sure, and hiding something dishonest about themselves that they feel you would detect more easily from a phone conversation or (yikes! God forbid) actual face to face conversation. ha ha ************************************************** Get boring to make them go away.... Leaving Them Posted Sat, 06/06/2009 - 07:11 The Detachment During this part of separating from "The Narcissist", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Narcissist" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, "The Narcissist" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should... - Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Narcissist" works. - Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Narcissist" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target. - Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc. - If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order. - If "The Narcissist" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Narcissist". - STOP arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore". - Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Narcissist" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Narcissist" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Narcissist" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching. - Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Narcissist" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down. - As "The Narcissist" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ending the Relationship Remembering that "The Narcissist" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment. - Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Narcissist" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster. - If "The Narcissist" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring 'thanks.' If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again. - Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Narcissist" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you. - "The Narcissist" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship. - Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Narcissist" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you. - Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Narcissist" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over. - Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Narcissist" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort. - Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Narcissist" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure. - Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Narcissist" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Follow-up Protection "The Narcissist" never sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological standpoint, "The Narcissist" has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life. As they really don't see themselves at fault or as an individual with a problem, "The Narcissist" tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon. "The Narcissist" rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner even after the relationship is terminated. During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are: - Never change your original position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm "The Narcissist" but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship. - Don't agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times. For "The Narcissist", discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again. - Don't offer details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy. - If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you'll find "The Narcissist" spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty. - In any contact with the ex "Narcissist", provide only a status report, much like you'd provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: "I'm still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That's about it." - When "The Narcissist" tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person is difficult. While "The Narcissist" wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - "Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I'm sure we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us." Remember - nothing personal! - Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Narcissist" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish "The Narcissist" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short - and not personal. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The key to health is the early identification and treatment of problems In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to have in our life and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes. Both in medicine and mental health - the key to health is the early identification and treatment of problems - before they reach the point that they are beyond treatment. In years of psychotherapy and counseling practice, treating the victims of "The Narcissist", patterns of attitude and behavior emerge in "The Narcissist" that can now be listed and identified in the hopes of providing early identification and warning. When those signs and indicators surface and the pattern is identified, we must move quickly to get away from the situation. Continuing a relationship with "The Narcissist" will result in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence. If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with "The Narcissist", after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. In many cases, the stress has been so severe that you may have a stress-produced depression. You may have severe damage to your self-confidence/self-esteem or to your feelings about the opposite sex or relationships. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover from your damaging relationship with "The Narcissist". www.drjoecarver.com
Mar 15 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
neveragain5
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Thanks, Foreverlearning for

Thanks, Foreverlearning for your kind words and input! The info you possted as really helpful. I have thought about him being a stalker and actually told him to stay away from me and my house. I haven't been in a position like this before so it's really hard to tell what he will do. I try to put myself in his shoes, but it's next to impossible because when someone tells me "No", I respect that. :)
Mar 15 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
ForeverLearning
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An Ounce Of Prevention Is Worth A Pound Of Cure

You can't predict his behavior, don't go bonkers trying to. You can only do your best to be vigilant and on the look out for him lurking around, ESPECIALLY during the initial 6 month period directly after the break up. I dated a guy for about 2 months when I was in my early 20's. He was alot like your guy. After I broke up with him, he stalked me for 2 years. I had to get police intervention from both the college police and the city police. This didn't phase or stop him. My mother, calling his mother, did help somewhat - it embarassed him that his family was told of his behavior. But still he continued, just more slick about it (anonymous threatening notes and audio tapes mailed to me). Finally once he found a new victim he started a sexual relationship with, he left me alone. That is usually what it takes - they must find a new victim. Not always easy for these guys who aren't good pick-up artists..... which means he'll stalk you longer since he has no skills at picking up new victims. NO CONTACT is very important for your own safety. If he thinks there is ANY HOPE you might change your mind he will continue to pursue you as long as you send that message. All the best to you.
Mar 15 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
neveragain5
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Again, thanks! I am going a

Again, thanks! I am going a little bonkers because I am at a point where I am trying to "clean house" of the soul suckers in my life. He has been obsessed and possesive of me from day one. I know that his image means a lot to him and I think that he is afraid that I will tarnish that because of the situation he is in. At this point, he is relying solely on my relative for his income. The only saving grace is that he is living with a friend about 5 hours from me. He is going wherever the work is, at this point. The fact that you pointed out that he needs a different source is so true, but I don't know if he will be able to secure that given that he had a devastating interaction with his ex about 9 months ago, (she tried to frame him for arson). I can't believe that I am intertwined in this Jerry Springer crap!
Mar 15 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
ForeverLearning
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Yes Peace And Quiet Beats Jerry Springer Any Day Of The Week

I know, it turns Jerry Springer so quickly on a dime and you wish you had a time machine to take you back to the week before you met him, but knowing what you know now, so that you could have avoided him like the plague back then and run the other way. Unfortunately there is a very high (and long) price to be paid for moving too fast with a guy only to realize he is unstable. It's like gum stuck on your shoe. This is not my first rodeo, I have been through this with unstable guys since I was a teenager (I was just a dumb cluck who usually picked the wrong guy to have a relationship with) and the creepy stalking bullsh*t gets old fast. I am so glad he lives 5 hours away. Beware and take care until he finds the next victim and even after that, when they break up, he may very well be back looking for you. It's just how they operate, especially if they aren't good at picking up lots of chicks. They try to recycle the previous ones who WOULD have sex with them. No offense with any of this advice, we are all in the same boat around here, just telling it like it is. All the best to you and hang in there!