neva-again's story

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#1 Nov 26 - 8AM
neva-again
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neva-again's story

Where do I begin...

Begin healing, begin forgetting, and begin to even start to tell my story with this NPD male. Can’t call him a man because he does not even come close to being one on so many levels. We met online, thru facebook..Somehow he made a comment on my wall which made me laugh, which I had not done for some time, as I had just gone thru my second divorce. He too had NPD which I didn’t realize until I started to educate myself on the subject. I also realized I have co dependant tendencies from growing up with an alcoholic Father. Anyway, the joking around continued back and forth and finally set up a meeting date. I was to drive out to where he was (20miles away) and meet for a drink. Well I arrive and of course he is late and calls me to say he will be right there. He had some unexpected guests. His so called step children. (He was in a relationship with this woman I will call Angie for about 5 or six years on and off I guess). I was not too impressed with him in person, as he was missing his two bottom teeth. I tried to look past this to the person inside, who seemed like he was a good person, and he made me laugh. He gave me my laugh back, because it was a part of me I had lost in my last relationship. He made me feel pretty and I felt like a desirable woman again. He had a few too many laughs and a few too many drinks. He offered me to stay at his place since we had been drinking and I had 20 miles to ride back home. It made sense and I knew I didn’t want the night to end, so back to his place we went. We continued to talk and laugh and talk some more. It was like we knew each other all of our lives, and had so much in common and he could know my thoughts and say the words before I could speak them. I was very much intrigued and attacked to him, but it was time to get sleep as I did have to work in the morning. He was a perfect gentleman and didn’t try any funny stuff; we just slept side by side. I got up and off I went after a sweet and loving kiss goodbye. Well I was hooked at that point looking back, I was truly falling in love with this person, and I really couldn’t figure out how or why. Well I will try to shorten this up because I could go on. There were many disappointments as our relationship developed, and I had knocked over plenty of RED flags. He had a woman friend that he said he took care of because she had MS, and needed his help; he was all she had and felt sorry for her. He spoke of her all of the time and they lived together so he could take care of her. He didn’t have a job other than that. He didn’t get paid for things he did for her, except room and board I guess. He was always complaining how he hated it there and it was not his destiny and couldn’t wait to get away from her. She did however buy him things, like a new Harley, (he says he pays for but don’t see how since he is on SSD) and a used car...he justified to her that he would use it to take her places. I felt so much empathy for him and thought I could offer a happy place for him, so more and more he spent time at my home with me. Before too long I had let him move in, it kind of happened a little at a time, since he never could fully due to his obligation to "Brenda". SO he would stay, and basically come and go as he pleased. He had many disturbing habits, showers 4-5 times a day at 2-3 in the morning. He had no normal sleep habits and thought nothing of being up and on the computer at all hours of the night. This would in turn keep me up all night and I did have to get up at 6am for work everyday. He had so many personal issues with his own children that I won’t go into here, but I paid for several trips to another state once to get his bike home, I rented a truck, paid for motel, etc...Just to help him. The second time I paid for a trip back for him to appear in court. All at my expense, which I didn’t mind as I thought I was helping a friend. He was going thru some tuff times and I wanted to help. I should have seen how he was using me then, but I couldn’t because...I was "In Love" and certainly BLIND...There was so much more, which is why I feel like such a FOOL. Why couldn’t I see he was just using me like he was Brenda and when he needed to he used Angie too ...He would get calls from her at 3am or a drunk text from her at any hour she felt the need. She even called him to talk when we were sitting at a theatre to see a comedian he wanted to see (again tickets that I paid for)...it just goes on and on.
He constantly talked about these two women so much so I felt I was in a relationship with them as well. He always wanted to go for midnight motorcycle rides, "cuz he was a night person" which I didn’t understand ...he would take off at 11:30 or so and be gone for hours. I never gave him grief or a hard time about this. I was trying to be understanding, but it was getting harder and harder for me to do...I was beginning to feel exhausted. Not sleeping regularly, up at all hours. I was drained completely. One morning, as I leave for work I give the usual kiss goodbye and he says Love you see you after work...Ok and off I go, .Only to find that at 3pm my cell phone rings and it is him calling to say he moved out today while I was at work.Wow Where did that come from...I was stunned and confused. Weeks went by then finally I get a text, he misses me and he loves me and wants to come back. This time he said he would move in completely finding Brenda her own place, he would then be free of that responsibilty, saying this time he would help with the bills and pay me rent money...(which btw I never saw a
dime of...)so I let him move back in. During the whole time he lived with me he was always in a brooding mood, and the funny guy was nowhere to be found. If I asked him "is something wrong babe?" I would get the remark "oh, so what.. are you trying to start a fight?" I'm thinking HUH??? WHUT??
How can that be picking a fight...Oh well needless to say I stopped asking that question. During our little break up my new car was violently keyed. $600 worth of damage. Guess who...He never admitted but try to blame it off on the ex girlfriend Angie or her kids. Didnt really matter as I was the one who had to pay for that damage. As time went on he had more and more rage and the feeling of love he said he had for me ...I was not feeling. I was living in fear, walking on eggshells, not saying anything that might anger him...Until the final straw that did it for me.
It was a constant thing, but whenever he would come home from riding his bike he would park it in the middle of the garage so that I couldn’t put my car in, after what had happened to my car I wanted it inside and one of the reasons I opted for a garage in the first place. So on this day I come home and at 3pm found him asleep in bed as per usual. I asked him to please move his bike so I could get my car in...Well I could have asked him to tear an eye out and would have gotten a better response. He flew out of bed, grumbling the whole way, and picked something off of the table and threw it across the room. That was my moment of awakening, I had been down this road and it was all too familiar, the next step is when they turn that rage onto you and hit you. I told him that was the final rage and that I wanted him out of my house. I was so afraid and shaking as I told him this, but knew if I didn’t where this was going. I was not going to be a punching bag for any one anymore, since that is why my first marriage ended a lifetime ago. Anyway he left, I packed up all of his things and put them in the garage and told him to get a truck and get them out or I would. He came with a van and got all he could, the rest I donated to Goodwill. I read a really good book called Narcissistic Lovers, and it all made sense then...This was the first time I had ever heard of this disorder and I found this website during my education process, and it has given me an outlet to GET IT OUT. I am sorry this was so long, but I didn’t even begin to write of all that went on over the 9 months this went on. Such pain caused in such a short amount of time, how is that possible? Will I ever get my self esteem back, my trust in myself, my energy??? Now I am trying to heal and get my strength back. The no contact rule is essential for our survival. I don’t think I will ever be the same, but maybe that is a good thing so that I will never have to go thru anything like that again. Life is a learning process...and God knows I am still learning every day. Thanks for listening...I hope all the best for everyone on here. May we all find healing and our true self.

Nov 27 - 9AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

You said it all when you said

You said it all when you said you may never be the same, but maybe thats a good thing. You will remain true to yourself and true to others, you will just be more aware of the NPD ou there in the world. You will be stronger when you complete your journey. Sorry that you are here, but glad you found the forum. Good luck in your journey to healing. Read, post, and stay NC!!!!!
Nov 27 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
neva-again
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Glad I found this forum

Hi Sparrow, Thank you it helps so much to know that I am understood here. When you try to tell someone about what you have gone thru, they dont really understand the true impact. I am so much more aware now of the signals and things to look for. But most of all I am on a journey inward and what am I projecting out into this world. Each day moment by moment I am trying to accept my true self and live a more aware life. I am thankful for the people on here, if not for this place my journey would be soooo much harder.
Nov 26 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Hark,Hark, another loser

Hark,Hark, another loser Narc!! Well... Ugh!! Welcome to Narcville!! Hunter
Nov 27 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
neva-again
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Thanks for the Welcome..not

Thanks for the Welcome..not sure if I ever really wanted to be in Narcville, but here I am and thanks for you help.
Nov 27 - 7AM (Reply to #10)
Hunter
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None of us wanted to be

None of us wanted to be here.. The fastest way to move out is NC!! Hunter
Nov 26 - 10AM
Winter
Winter's picture

Welcome Skygirl

I am so sorry for your pain. You are asking how is that possible to feel such a pain for such a short lived experience. I think it is not only possible, it is normal, it is human. You were betrayed, fooled, used and abused by a person you gave everything. Anyone would feel in pain. Will you ever get your self esteem back. Of course, you will. It was not your "decision" to be fooled. You are not to blame. Yes, we are blind when in love, we just can't believe in people cruelty... Now, you know, you got rid of him, you trew him out of your house, when you realized everything, you went NC. I, personally, don't see any issue with your self esteem. Trusting people and being naive has nothing to do with low self esteem. You will be fine. Love Winter
Nov 27 - 7AM (Reply to #6)
neva-again
neva-again's picture

Hi Winter, Thank you for the

Hi Winter, Thank you for the kind words, I need the encouragment. It helps a great deal to know I am not the only one who has lived this mess. I am working on not so much what has happened, I cant really change that, but what can I do to help myself so it never happens again. It is so hard when you finally decide to open up and give your heart to a person who just trashes you with their lies, and humiliation, and degradation. The scars are deep my friend...very deep.
Nov 27 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
Winter
Winter's picture

I know sweetie...

They are deep. But not incurable. This place is a bliss for us. When we see that we are not alone, when we are understood and not blamed, nor judged we start to heal. You will heal. Bad things happen in life. I don't think there is a universal algorithm you can apply to prevent bad people enter in your life, but you can minimize the odds for sure! Wish you to learn a lot, but never need to apply this knowledge. Love Winter
Nov 26 - 9AM
Layla
Layla's picture

I read the whole thing with my morning coffee! : ))

Hello Skygirl! Wow, I saw my abuser in your story in so many ways....wow! I saw myself in your story too.....different situations, but pretty much like yours.....and you are right, they do go on to hitting YOU, that is what I went through.....I can't believe we put up with this shit to be honest.......I am glad we are both here now, and free from these freaking losers!! Enjoy all the extra money you seem to have now that this parasite is gone!!! : ))) I want to say I laughed when I read this clown was taking the bike out at 11:30 at night because he was a "night person"....yes, he's a "night person" all right, he's a freaking VAMPIRE!!! LOL!! love~ Layla
Nov 26 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
neva-again
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Hi Layla, Thanks for taking

Hi Layla, Thanks for taking the time to read, it is so hard to put it all into words. It makes me feel like such a fool and a sucker for all of it. My mistake was opening my heart to the wrong person. I think these guys see a confident and compasionate soul for the taking...Like you said a true VAMPIRE..all the time sucking the life out of you. As far as having extra money now that he is gone LOL....true, and I am using get get caught up on all the bills that went behind from having to try to support 2 people on one person's meger salary. Big lesson learned here!!! Take care and thanks for your kind words of support,. it helps.
Nov 26 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
Layla
Layla's picture

Yes, it feels like it is hard to put into words.......

........but the scary part is- we "get it" here because this is what these disordered fools are- crazy and disordered....they all do the same darn things it is scary! You feel like the only one, then you come to sites such as this and you see yourself and your abuser over and over again! It's like, "WOW"!!!! So many "a-ha" moments!! I am glad to hear you are getting caught up with your bills, this is a good thing indeed! We'll be alright Skygirl, one day at a time! love~ Layla
Nov 27 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
neva-again
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One day at a time for sure..

Getting caught up on the bills is a good feeling, but getting myself back, not to sure I even know how to do that. I hate that I still think about him, right away I switch my thought to something, anything else. I have been ok with the No COntact, I even removed myself from Facebook. Its tempting to want to see what he is up to but, I know it would not help my healing process. So I dont even go there. I have started walking everyday, which has helped more than I thought, It can be very uplifting spiritually. So I try everyday to do something nice for myself, a walk, extra beauty time, etc...I quit doing anything for myself 1 because of him, then because of the depression I was left with. It's like being under water...you cant breathe, but if you keep swimming to the light at the top of the water it will be ok...so for now that is what I do...I have survived this long and I know I will make it eventually. Thanks for your kind words and friendship...Every bit of this helps.