Where do I begin...
Begin healing, begin forgetting, and begin to even start to tell my story with this NPD male. Can’t call him a man because he does not even come close to being one on so many levels. We met online, thru facebook..Somehow he made a comment on my wall which made me laugh, which I had not done for some time, as I had just gone thru my second divorce. He too had NPD which I didn’t realize until I started to educate myself on the subject. I also realized I have co dependant tendencies from growing up with an alcoholic Father. Anyway, the joking around continued back and forth and finally set up a meeting date. I was to drive out to where he was (20miles away) and meet for a drink. Well I arrive and of course he is late and calls me to say he will be right there. He had some unexpected guests. His so called step children. (He was in a relationship with this woman I will call Angie for about 5 or six years on and off I guess). I was not too impressed with him in person, as he was missing his two bottom teeth. I tried to look past this to the person inside, who seemed like he was a good person, and he made me laugh. He gave me my laugh back, because it was a part of me I had lost in my last relationship. He made me feel pretty and I felt like a desirable woman again. He had a few too many laughs and a few too many drinks. He offered me to stay at his place since we had been drinking and I had 20 miles to ride back home. It made sense and I knew I didn’t want the night to end, so back to his place we went. We continued to talk and laugh and talk some more. It was like we knew each other all of our lives, and had so much in common and he could know my thoughts and say the words before I could speak them. I was very much intrigued and attacked to him, but it was time to get sleep as I did have to work in the morning. He was a perfect gentleman and didn’t try any funny stuff; we just slept side by side. I got up and off I went after a sweet and loving kiss goodbye. Well I was hooked at that point looking back, I was truly falling in love with this person, and I really couldn’t figure out how or why. Well I will try to shorten this up because I could go on. There were many disappointments as our relationship developed, and I had knocked over plenty of RED flags. He had a woman friend that he said he took care of because she had MS, and needed his help; he was all she had and felt sorry for her. He spoke of her all of the time and they lived together so he could take care of her. He didn’t have a job other than that. He didn’t get paid for things he did for her, except room and board I guess. He was always complaining how he hated it there and it was not his destiny and couldn’t wait to get away from her. She did however buy him things, like a new Harley, (he says he pays for but don’t see how since he is on SSD) and a used car...he justified to her that he would use it to take her places. I felt so much empathy for him and thought I could offer a happy place for him, so more and more he spent time at my home with me. Before too long I had let him move in, it kind of happened a little at a time, since he never could fully due to his obligation to "Brenda". SO he would stay, and basically come and go as he pleased. He had many disturbing habits, showers 4-5 times a day at 2-3 in the morning. He had no normal sleep habits and thought nothing of being up and on the computer at all hours of the night. This would in turn keep me up all night and I did have to get up at 6am for work everyday. He had so many personal issues with his own children that I won’t go into here, but I paid for several trips to another state once to get his bike home, I rented a truck, paid for motel, etc...Just to help him. The second time I paid for a trip back for him to appear in court. All at my expense, which I didn’t mind as I thought I was helping a friend. He was going thru some tuff times and I wanted to help. I should have seen how he was using me then, but I couldn’t because...I was "In Love" and certainly BLIND...There was so much more, which is why I feel like such a FOOL. Why couldn’t I see he was just using me like he was Brenda and when he needed to he used Angie too ...He would get calls from her at 3am or a drunk text from her at any hour she felt the need. She even called him to talk when we were sitting at a theatre to see a comedian he wanted to see (again tickets that I paid for)...it just goes on and on.
He constantly talked about these two women so much so I felt I was in a relationship with them as well. He always wanted to go for midnight motorcycle rides, "cuz he was a night person" which I didn’t understand ...he would take off at 11:30 or so and be gone for hours. I never gave him grief or a hard time about this. I was trying to be understanding, but it was getting harder and harder for me to do...I was beginning to feel exhausted. Not sleeping regularly, up at all hours. I was drained completely. One morning, as I leave for work I give the usual kiss goodbye and he says Love you see you after work...Ok and off I go, .Only to find that at 3pm my cell phone rings and it is him calling to say he moved out today while I was at work.Wow Where did that come from...I was stunned and confused. Weeks went by then finally I get a text, he misses me and he loves me and wants to come back. This time he said he would move in completely finding Brenda her own place, he would then be free of that responsibilty, saying this time he would help with the bills and pay me rent money...(which btw I never saw a
dime of...)so I let him move back in. During the whole time he lived with me he was always in a brooding mood, and the funny guy was nowhere to be found. If I asked him "is something wrong babe?" I would get the remark "oh, so what.. are you trying to start a fight?" I'm thinking HUH??? WHUT??
How can that be picking a fight...Oh well needless to say I stopped asking that question. During our little break up my new car was violently keyed. $600 worth of damage. Guess who...He never admitted but try to blame it off on the ex girlfriend Angie or her kids. Didnt really matter as I was the one who had to pay for that damage. As time went on he had more and more rage and the feeling of love he said he had for me ...I was not feeling. I was living in fear, walking on eggshells, not saying anything that might anger him...Until the final straw that did it for me.
It was a constant thing, but whenever he would come home from riding his bike he would park it in the middle of the garage so that I couldn’t put my car in, after what had happened to my car I wanted it inside and one of the reasons I opted for a garage in the first place. So on this day I come home and at 3pm found him asleep in bed as per usual. I asked him to please move his bike so I could get my car in...Well I could have asked him to tear an eye out and would have gotten a better response. He flew out of bed, grumbling the whole way, and picked something off of the table and threw it across the room. That was my moment of awakening, I had been down this road and it was all too familiar, the next step is when they turn that rage onto you and hit you. I told him that was the final rage and that I wanted him out of my house. I was so afraid and shaking as I told him this, but knew if I didn’t where this was going. I was not going to be a punching bag for any one anymore, since that is why my first marriage ended a lifetime ago. Anyway he left, I packed up all of his things and put them in the garage and told him to get a truck and get them out or I would. He came with a van and got all he could, the rest I donated to Goodwill. I read a really good book called Narcissistic Lovers, and it all made sense then...This was the first time I had ever heard of this disorder and I found this website during my education process, and it has given me an outlet to GET IT OUT. I am sorry this was so long, but I didn’t even begin to write of all that went on over the 9 months this went on. Such pain caused in such a short amount of time, how is that possible? Will I ever get my self esteem back, my trust in myself, my energy??? Now I am trying to heal and get my strength back. The no contact rule is essential for our survival. I don’t think I will ever be the same, but maybe that is a good thing so that I will never have to go thru anything like that again. Life is a learning process...and God knows I am still learning every day. Thanks for listening...I hope all the best for everyone on here. May we all find healing and our true self.