Need some guidance, ex selfish friend has reached out

19 posts / 0 new

#1 Jun 13 - 6PM

PhoebeR

Need some guidance, ex selfish friend has reached out

As some of you know I have had this ongoing problem with a friend or over 15 years who was selfish and treated me badly. I have not spoken with or heard from her in months. And in reality I was healing, and seemed to be ok. Getting used to not having her be a part of my life. Until last week when she wished my EX husband and Ex N a happy birthday on FB, after she dropped me as a friend months ago. It was a bit of a step back for me, but again, it has gotten easier and i moved on, until today.

I get an email from her telling me she had been thinking about me, and was not sure why we were no longer talking, she missed me and was planning her wedding and wanted me to be a part of it. She said something about how she was in mine, im divorced now, and she wanted me to be a part of hers. She also brought up wanting to see her mom and my mom in the front row. Her mom passed away over two years ago, mine is still living. And how she always saw pictured them there. When i read this my first thought was "Hmm" that was it, i was not sad, not upset, i just found the whole thing to be curious and odd. But as you all know, as time passes, we dwell on things, and now i am wondering how to respond. The fact that she does not know why we are not speaking, when she was selfish and abandoned me during one of the most difficult times in my life, and then dropped me on FB and then acted weird towards me and everyone i know is the weird thing. My first thought was "really, you dont know why" seriously? Like it does not occur to her that her behavior was wrong, and now that she is getting married i should forget the whole thing.

But here is the question, is this my opening to get all this out in the open, tell her exactly why we were no longer speaking? As for the wedding, honestly, i dont want to be a part of it. i will go, if she wants me there, but as far as being a huge part of it, i dont think so. I mean all i need is to get sucked in to getting bossed around again, and doing everything for her. When on my wedding day i had to do everything, even though she was the maid of honor. Or should i ignore the whole thing? I dont know what to do. Any advice?

#2 Jun 20 - 12AM

michele115 (not verified)

I'd clarify it...

And I'd be very clear, and I'd explain what exactly I went through and what I learned from the experience, and how I noted that in the past as a result of certain lack of boundaries you now see certain things in you that need to change and one of them is learning how to let go of those who do not know the meaning of true friendship, loyalty, empathy and being there for one another. You wish her well but no longer wish to deal in "masks" and while you are happy for her as a person she will be celbrating a marriage...and while you appreciate she was present for yours *key word* you said YOU did everthing...you are advising her now that you don't think you will be attending the wedding either and that there is no hatred, but there is no longer a fondness either and that you do wish her the best but don't see the relationship being able to thrive any longer. Or something like that. I would spell it all out and let the record be known...and I would express exactly how that made me feel and I would use key vocab words like: Selfish, self centered, invalidating, abusive...yea I would go there...but then again, thats me. Hugs!

#3 Jun 18 - 9PM

PhoebeR

Well I responded

Thanks to everyone for your help and guidance. I responded to her message, short, to the point and done. Basically told her congrats on her engagement, told her I had also heard about it on FB, since she dropped me as a friend and kept my family and Ex as friends (sort of a lie but it was meant to prove a point), but that I would be unable to be in her wedding and wished her well. Short. That was it. I gave some thought to going into more detail about "why" we were not talking, but decided against it, to everyone's point it would go in one ear and out the other. Not sure if i will hear back, not sure I care, but at least i dont have this weighing on me. She is a bad trigger in my life. Makes me feel bad about myself. But it is tough, i miss her sometimes, but i am also working on that.

#4 Jun 22 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

PhoebeR

Regretting my decision, should i have said more..venting

What the hell is wrong with me?! So as you can see by the stream I responded to my friends request out of no where to be in her wedding. I don't want to be in it, but why am I having doubts. Maybe I should have said my peace, told her how her behavior made me feel, how selfish i think she is. Maybe i should call her, talk to her. I hate that she is a trigger that makes me doubt and feel bad about myself. Maybe it is because she did not respond. I don't know. I guess i am still hurt. It was easier getting over my Ex, i guess because that fell apart gradually, this was sudden. Both made me feel like i got punched in the gut. This stinks.

#5 Jun 19 - 3PM (Reply to #15)

Hunter

Phoebe

Good Job, Hunter

#6 Jun 19 - 8PM (Reply to #16)

PhoebeR

Hunter-Thanks

Thanks. Now I can get back to being myself and move on, I hope.

#7 Jun 14 - 7AM

Used

pheobe r

SHE NEEDS YOU FOR SOMETHING, NOT FOR YOU...SHE F/B YOUR EXH AND YOUR NARC...I DON'T THINK SO ..DO YOU?, SHE MUST BE RAPIDLY RUNNING OUT OF *FRIENDS*..SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND AT ALL, AND THE BIT ABOUT YOUR MOTHER AND HER MOTHER IS FULL ON EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL...DON'T FALL FOR IT YOU ARE DOING SO WELL. MY BEST FF[NOT] WHO I DROPPED WHEN I RELIZED SHE IS A NARC IS ALSO TRYING THE GAME AFTER 11MNTHS MONTHS OF ME NC, NO WAY ALL I REMEMBER NOW ABOUT HER FRIENDSHIP WAS IF I SPOKE TO HER ABOUT NARC AND FELT LOW, AFTER TALKING TO HER I FELT SUICIDAL AND I AM NOT EXAGARING[SPELLING], I FELT TOTALLY WIPED OUT AND WHEN I SAID I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM ANY MORE..SHE WOULD SAY YES YOU DO LET IT ALL OUT, BUT TRUTH IS SHE LOVED THE THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE'S DRAMA...IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

#8 Jun 13 - 8PM

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

I had a friend like this

I had a friend like this years ago. We became friends in college and for several years afterwards, mainly because I couldn't "shake" her. She didn't take the usual hints normal people do. Like when I never returned her calls and she kept calling anyway. The only thing we really had in common was our college curriculum (both Psyche Majors) and once we no longer shared that experience, we really didn't have any reason to be friends. She was the WORST "friend" ever. Completely selfish, unreliable, obnoxious and let me down so many times in so many ways. The relationship was always about her. Looking back on it with what I know now, she was probably a Narc. I moved around the country over the years because of my husband's job and she always managed to locate me because I always left a forwarding phone number with the phone company when we moved. The last time, however, I intentionally did not so that I could lose her. I didn't have the nerve to tell her, I don't want you in my life anymore. I always said to others, if we had been dating, I would have broken up with her, but how do you break up with a "friend." Way back then, I just didn't know how to tell her "NO." She even managed to pressure me into being the Maid of Honor in her second wedding and I didn't want to! What a nightmare! All it did was cost me time and money and I resented the fact I didn't stand up to her and decline. Writing this out right now, I guess I was/am a people pleaser and never realized just how much until now. It was such a one-sided "friendship" but I finally managed to "lose" her with the last move 12 years ago. Well...... last year I got a friendship request on Facebook. I deleted it. She sent me a second one and I deleted that too. I remember feeling a little bad about it, but I really don't want her in my life in any way, shape or form. I don't want her knowing where I'm living now because she's the kind of friend who will invite herself to come visit. And she is the house guest from Hell! I don't know your history with this "friend" but explaining things to her will be pointless, because she doesn't "get it" and never will. Delete and block her on FB too. Ignore her and do what you want. If you don't want to associate with her, don't. Why do you feel obligated to attend her wedding? You don't need energy-draining, selfish people like her in your life. You don't owe her anything, especially acquiescing to her manipulations to attend her wedding.

#9 Jun 13 - 7PM

Amazed

Stay away from the selfish

They will not get you anywhere, and will only get you down. The result is always the same with them. Nothing.

#10 Jun 13 - 7PM

ruby01 (not verified)

My suggestion

would be if you think it will make you feel better to talk to her with the knowledge she really doesn't care what she did to you and anything you say will just go in one ear and out the other, then do it. You say you don't want to be in the wedding but you will go which sounds to me like you've pretty much washed your hands of her as well. I think you should leave things as they are and part ways. Don't even answer.

#11 Jun 13 - 7PM

Hunter

Narcs come in all shapes,

Narcs come in all shapes, sizes,colors,even genders! All of a sudden she has reached out! She has an ulterior motive, she needs help with her wedding. My three words, Delete,Delete,Delete! Hunter

#12 Jun 13 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

snarky174

Aweful

Definately delete her... She chose to FB your ex -enough said- sorry friends do not do that... while cute and sentimental- I agree with Hunter Delete Delete Delete

#13 Jun 14 - 6PM (Reply to #3)

PhoebeR

Thanks all

Thanks to you all for your comments. I think this is an opportunity to tell her how I feel and ask her to own up to what she did. Thoughts?

#14 Jun 14 - 6PM (Reply to #9)

Hunter

Phoebe

Smitten is correct! Waste of time! She will turn it around and blame you! Hunter

#15 Jun 14 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

Waste of Breath

OK, you are expecting her to understand and respond like a normal individual, like YOU would. But she is not normal, she is a Narc. You telling her how you feel is a waste of time for you and another opportunity for her to use your words against you to manipulate you with emotional blackmail. And she will never, ever, ever..... REPEAT: never, ever, ever own up to what she did, just like our Narcs never, ever will. Expecting them to react like normal people is an exercise in futility and will only bring you more frustration and pain. I think everyone's unanimous recommendation was to ignore, delete and block her, not respond or talk to her.

#16 Jun 14 - 7PM (Reply to #5)

PhoebeR

Am I doing it again?

Thanks for the sanity check. I think my real concern is we work in the same building, same company, 5 floors away. A job i helped her get by the way. Right now i avoid her and i am on constant look out that i will see her. And i guess letting her know how i feel might make the awkwardness less awkward. I guess i am in denial in a way, maybe. It pisses me off, i was fine with this and moving on, then this happens. Ugh!

#17 Jun 14 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

Hunter

Phoebe

BTW: her behavior is typical Narc behavior. Just when you heal, they push your buttons to get a reaction. It's a calculated game. I prefer BlackJack to Narcs. Hunter

#18 Jun 14 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

PhoebeR

Prefer Gems to Narc

There is that saying from i think the God Father, "just when i think i am out, they pull me back in" its exactly like that. All i want is peace and to heal. I am dating someone new who is wonderful and giving and sweet, my job is busy but good. I am getting over the break-up of my marriage. Then this happens. It stinks. My heart is breaking and i am hurt all over again.

#19 Jun 14 - 10PM (Reply to #8)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

When I deleted my WORST

When I deleted my WORST FRIEND EVER's FB friend request, I felt bad about it. I did. I thought, that has to hurt someone's feelings when you used to be friends and shared so many experiences, and now you're outright rejecting them. I mean, I've accepted friend requests from people I barely know (my exN being one of them). But even though I felt bad, I asked myself, do I want her in my life again? The answer was a resounding NOOOOOOO!!!! Never, ever again!!!! And when she sent a SECOND request (just like the old days, still not getting the hint), I felt bad again and deleted it again. Feel the guilt and do it anyway! Put YOUR feelings and needs before HERS. Because when you go against what you feel, know and want from her, it's because you are putting HER needs above yours. Why? Where do we get the idea that abusive people in our lives, a.) deserve to be in our lives in the first place, and b.) that their wants/needs are more important than ours? I mean, think about it. You are essentially saying that SHE is more important and matters more than YOU do. Whew! And that is what we've all done with our Narc assclowns! Lightbulb moment!

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