need some advice i just cant break up with him

I feel lost and I live in constant anxiety.I just don't know how to end this before I allow he to create anymore chaos in my life. I just can't function with or without him. Indenial I can really relate to your words. I think many of us can identify with how you feel. It is a dysfunctional relationship indenial. Why did you chose the name indenial: just curious? there is a part of you , spiritual side that knows this relationship you are in w the N is unhealthy for you, hurting you, and draining you of life and love and spirit! you will repeat this as long as you need to until one day you won't any more it will get to be too much and you will stop and turn away do the hard work it takes to leave it is NOT easy and we all really hear your pain and I feel the same some days too I think there is a song by U2 that describes this feeling as well hope you keep posting here! face what you fear indenial it won't be nearly as bad as your imagination is fooling you to believe - you ARE strong enough to do and you possess all you need to leave, you just need to find it and discover that part of you again these N relationship destroy our spirit and cloud our minds hugs to u

Hi Hunter's right therapy is key, especially now, sounds like for you I dont know what city you are in but the major Colleges in every state do have sliding scale therapy you could at least give them a call and ask you never know, that call might lead to another lead etc. also, all of the 12 step programs are FREE someone was mentioning "emotional health Anym" at my doctors office waiting room a 12 step for getting your emotions in order ( I had never heard of that one before) perhaps the combo of that program and this forum would be helpful there is something really healing about the human contact that is undeniable I hope you will let us know that you found some good support be blessed k

What an aweful state to be in:( I'm sorry you are going through this. You already know that he is bad.....from everything you have written here....you don't trust him, he's left you so many times, given you reasons to leave him etc..... Sounds like you know in your gut that leaving him is the right thing to do for yourself.....but the fear is holding you back. Fear of him changing and you "losing out", fear of him being happy with someone else. Very understandable to have such mixed emotions. It's part of the cognitive dissonance and part of the brainwashing that happens in a toxic relationship. It's very hard to break free. You sound like a smart cookie.....just a confused smart cookie!...which, again, is very understandable when you deal with a PD or abuser. Nobody can tell you what to do or how to do it. You will get there on your own time. I know you know this but I am gonna say it anyways lol..... THEY DO NOT EVER CHANGE. THEY GET WORSE. THE NEXT WOMAN WILL NOT MAKE HIM HAPPY. Are you seeing a therapist? A good therapist that specializes in PD's and abusers can really help you sort through and process your thoughts and feelings.

You can't make yourself break up with him...I know the feeling. I've been through what you're experiencing more than once, and anyone else here has too. It's such an evil cycle, the wanting to end it, not being able to end it, ending it but not meaning it, missing him, going back, knowing it's wrong, getting dumped again, missing him again, remembering good things, ruminating on the trauma, etc. -- years can fly by. You say you "still have that tiny bit of hope of a future with him. For all the madness and drama he's been there for me in so many ways but my gut just doesn't feel right. I can't even put it into words." The word is "hook"...those are hooks he puts in, in a measured way. And your gut is telling you it's all a lie, and your brain is telling you to pull those hooks out, and your heart is telling you it's going to hurt. My exN would hurt me to the core, then soothe it away. It gave him such control and power. You're doing great in my opinion. You're all suited up, in the game of recovery! The withdrawal is bad. It's like quitting smoking...the first few days the brain goes crazy, and all you can think about is a cigarette, until you're watching the sidewalk for a discarded butt. I once bummed a smoke from a street person, while wearing a button that said "don't give me a cigarette" and just felt relief when I inhaled. The humiliation isn't always enough...which is why it sometimes takes several attempts to quit. Any sort of relationship with a narc can lead to PTSD. Look for a sliding scale therapist and follow through with an appointment. If you keep working on distance, and keep yourself occupied, you'll start to feel a little better. You're allowed to be insane right now. Build yourself up like all these folks say. I tried running in the morning...visualized leaving all the bad behind, and this increased my physical strength, and gave me a confidence boost. Yoga and swimming are great for calming anxiety. Ask for support as often as you need to. And ask for support before you need it. I was too ashamed to do that, and now I know it's a sign of strength to ask for help. If you have a girlfriend, ask her to be your breakup buddy and agree to call her when you get the impulse to call him. (This works great until you're calling every twenty minutes...so maybe spread it out to a few friends.) Turn off your phone when you feel weak, or change your number when you feel strong. If you fail, don't be afraid to pick yourself up and start over. It's not shameful. It's beautiful. For every day you go NC, give yourself a reward. A chickflick, gossip mag, candy bar, window shopping, whatever makes you calm or content. Pick out a bigger weekly reward -- whatever made you smile before the N, and follow through on doing that. Getting out of the chaos for a while really does help -- even if it's just for an hour or two.

I felt exactly the same at the end of my relationship with exN. My fears about how I thought I would feel were in some ways a lot worse than how it began to actually feel once he was gone, even though it was extremely painful that HE was the one to make the choice to leave. Fear held me back from ending it myself, which would have been so much better for me to have done. I knew being in the relationship was negatively affecting me, yet I was too confused and distraught to take care of myself. Please put your mind at ease about the ow and how he might be somehow a 'better' man with her - when it comes to NPD it will NEVER happen. Try not to let that fear hold you back from taking care of YOURSELF now. A happier life awaits you without your abuser in it! ((hugs))

For me it took my friends, some of his friends and even my boss to say to get out...it was making my entire life miserable, i couldnt focus at work, i was upset at home (not good when you have two daughters) So I set a time for him to come over, the girls had sleep overs and i ended it...its not easy at all, I was a mess. But slowly it is getting better without him...some of the anxiety has lifted... Narcs truly do cause major damage

you mentioned you did not have the money for counseling,I was in your exact same situation, so i found colleges with programs in psychology that will let you see a therapist for minimal or sometimes nothing,as they are students working on their masters or PhD. and must see patients to get their degree, had some great fellows from the program and helped me a lot!

I can totally relate to this worry! I was talking to my friend the other night saying how horrible it would feel to me if my N found another woman and treated her how he SHOULDVE treated me, and they live happily ever after... But my friend (and things i read on here), convinced me that these men are way too sick to have a relationship that will last. Dont worry, you'lle find the strength to let go. Its hard sometimes but what would be harder is staying with them,and letting them totally ruin you. They are poisonous! I knew that if i stayed with my boyfriend, that it would always be suspensful and upsetting....the constant invalidation, lack of empathy, lies, etc. I had no kindness or energy to give anyone else in my life when i was in constant contact with him, because i was always too upset, worried ,or angry with him that it felt like a strain to me just to smile and say "hi" to anyone.Those times of stress, than honeymoon times in between can make you more attached (traumatic bonding).Dont question your gut. If he really meant well and truly loved you, you would know it. Its sad, i know, but you'lle get through it.

Chill a litle. Take some days to do simply what YOU want to do, not what others what you to do. You are afraid of the emptiness, and of the things you might discover in yourself, if you remain completely by yourself. I believe this is one of the main reasons we seek these bad people. To get on the surface what we are afraid to discover in ourselfs..past pain, deep pain. Maybe from childhood. Take time for yourself, forget about everything else, about the chaos, about what others may or may not say. It`s about your own health. And please remember, when you feel the urge, the addiction to call him maybe, not to "seek comfort from the source of your pain." Wise words. Best of luck!

I was just like you.And i kept holding onto him even at the point where i started dreading seeing him. He caused me to be sooooooo angry and upset and stressed all the time,that i enjoyed my days without him MUCH better than the ones WITH him.Every time i was about to spend a day with him, or when my phone rings and i see his number, i'de start feeling really snappy and edgy. I hung in there and tried my damdest to try and force it to work,and try to "fix" him,until i felt like i was going to lose my health (like a heart attack or something)if i didnt let go. So when i was explaining this to a friend and saying at the same time that i dont want to say goodbye, he said "Why dont you just take a 2-week break from him? Just 2 weeks, and see how you feel...let some of the fog clear." So i did, and so far i dont miss him enough to "give it another try".Its been a couple mo.I knew the relationship was dead anyway a long time ago. These kind of men are not capable of being truly close.or anything else good. Oh, something else that helped me:I took my best friend's advice and wrote down in my tablet alot of things that my N said and did that upset me so much.I tended to quickly forget how bad it was when i start missing him. I have gotten stregth and clarity from reviewing those things i wrote down,and simply reading that stuff has stopped me from calling him many times. They only get worse and more disrespectful with time too. So if you're not feeling strong enough to say a permanent goodbye,then maybe taking it a little at a time is good for now.You could tell him you need some space for a while (with no contact) to get your thoughts straight and that you'lle call him when your ready.

Please seek counseling right away and be sure to ask if they have experience with personality disorders/abusive relationships. The internet cannot hand you a tissue or give you a hug! I wasted 20 years of my life in a bad relationship and don't want to see anyone do the same.

Ever heard of the expression, "pay me now or pay me later", the longer you hold on, the more miserable it will get for you, my advice is get professional counseling from a good trained therapist in NPD and let them help you decide what to do, one life that is all we have!!Let your ego stop talking, who cares if he finds someone else, they will get the exact treatment in time, mine Narc 5 failed relation ships in his pathetic life, and I spent 15 freaking years of my life with the man, for nothing and he would never admit it was at least partially his fault, blamed all the women, impossible~

Look at my life. 18 years in this sick, sick relationship. I could have found true love, met the man of my dreams, traveled, finished my education. At the time I was too scared to leave. At least when I was miserable with him I was secure in knowing exactly where I was and what was going on. The unknown is terrifying!! Think of how hard it is for drug addicts to come clean. You are going through the same process. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR LIFE!!! Once you cross over to the other side you will think: Why didn't I dump him sooner! Don't be me! Don't waste anymore time. Time is all we have. He will use you until there is no more of you. You can do this!

This is wild.....I was reading your post and thought to myself, you picked an appropriate screen name for this forum, Indenial, is indenial......and I see Hunter just wrote the exact same thing. 150% agree with Hunter.......the only thing I want to add is I can not emphasize enough to seek counseling, not council........counseling, therapy. If not, you will probably need to seek council, if you get my drift. This is going to become ugly eventually....... There is no shame in therapy, and I strongly suggest that since you are 20 weeks into this support and you still haven't gotten past the word go. I don't want to sound harsh, forgive me if I come across that way, but I think it must be said. Find the strength my friend, it isn't going to find you. Good luck...........

Think of this as your Direct Path to Freedom. Your soul desperately wants you to be free and happy. This is your redemption time. This is your one life! When you want to call him, text him, see him- post on here and ask for emergency support asap. Call one of us. Get in a fetal position and weep until you are exhausted. treat this craving like an exorcism. YOU just have to push through it. You cannot cave in- because what happens is the anxiety, craving, missing DOES let up when you GO THROUGH THE FEELINGS. I know this. I would crave him so bad, and then my mind said " I can't deal with these feelings anymore so I am gonna call him". I believe that my calling him will give me relief from the pain. well it does- for 1 hour, 1 day....and then WHAM!!! the D and D happens and I am sick, sick, sick. worse than before. and the cycle gets darker and deeper and I get more lost. You have to break this pattern. It is a true detox of your heart, mind and soul.. Sweat it out. come to us- we can hold you through it.

Look you are being abused, by an abuser, this is the problem, this is why you cant function! It's plain and simple! This is within your control, sounds to me that indenial is " indenial" cut him off, just do it! Do you ever think how my God I'd be so scared if I was put in jail, I had a girlfriend who got locked up for 30 days, too many DWI, I said "OMG, how scary is jail"? My friend, you are in jail, the difference is you hold the key! Pass go and get the Fuck out of Jail! You must go NC. This is about your life YOUR life, help is available so use it! Hunter