Need Help! Was Really Surprised By My Reaction Today

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#1 Feb 5 - 2PM
victimnomore
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Need Help! Was Really Surprised By My Reaction Today

I need help wit this. One of my favorite aunties had open heart surgery last night. She had been in the hospital since last saturday but i couldn't go see her because my Nh work at this hospital and I heard he knew she was there and was visiting often.

I knew that he was off on saturdays so I ventured out to the hospital to see my aunt and she is doing well and my mom and I visited for awhile. My auntie is such a sweetheart and thinks everyone is nice so she said that my NH/Psycho is so nice. well I proceeded to say "Oh Yeah, well you didn't live with him". I than skipped the subject and ended the visit a short while later.

When I got home I cried my eyes out and I felt like a piece of shit. I started thinking If he is so nice to everyone and such a great guy, why was he so mean and horrible to me. This is the same man that spit on me, punched me, choked me, cheated on me, called another woman while actually having sex with me to come and join in. This is my husband! If he is so fucking great why would he treat his wife of 23 years like shit? How do they fool everyone around them and make us second guess ourselves.

I walked out of that hospital second guessing my experience with him. Now i know that all of this horrible stuff happened so why am I thinking that for one mili second that maybe he is nice.
I know that he was not nice to me he was evil and mean and horrific to me and thats all that counts.

If they can be so nice to everyone else, why are the so terrible to the people that lives with them and share their lives with them? It made me feel as though he was so mean to me because something is wrong with me.

Although I had this setback It has made me see how truly fucked up in the head he is because he can be two different people and I do not like either one of them. Because it just show how deceitful he is.

5 months NC! and determined to stay NC forever!

Feb 7 - 12PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

The bastard and your family

Screw that piece of crap. Mine walked to school with my best friend the day after I found out about his five other women. He chats and laughs with his eyes twinkling with other moms right in front of me on the playground. He offers to walk his kids' friends home from school. He holds his little boys hand everywhere they go. Everyone but everyone is wonderful, delightful, worthy of his smiles and attention. Even the other women. But not me. Not me. I am the sole piece of shit that isn't even worth a glance. Trust me: they do it on purpose to f*ck with us. They treat us like the sh*t they know they are.
Feb 7 - 5PM (Reply to #14)
victimnomore
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Yes helldweller

I still can't wrap my head around why he treated me like shit when i did everything for him. I guess I'll never understand but it makes mr so fu**ing mad!

victimnomore

Feb 7 - 6PM (Reply to #15)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Same here...

I remember after the final D&D, calling the ex-Psych professor out on how he had been backstabbing me (he had claimed that I was hitting on him to his students when all I did was declare my love in a chaste, non-sexual way), how he had hurt my feelings, betrayed, lied, and bullied me... and I said "Is this how you say thanks?" I chided him on his ingratitude. I told him how I had defended him behind HIS back... and he was genuinely shocked. I told him, "You confided in me. You told me about your feelings, you told me about your family. And you treat me like THIS???" While I wasn't involved with my professor in a sexual/romantic way, he treated me like garbage despite the fact I treated him with respect and devotion. There's that saying "If you want a friend, be a friend." I WAS a friend to him. I followed the Golden Rule, treating him as I wanted to be treated... yet he treated me like pond sludge. Yes, it still does anger me. I guess he's afraid that if he contacts me, I'll be like the creditor, calculating how much he owes...and Shylock-like, asking for the pound of flesh (well, he's fat enough)
Feb 7 - 6PM (Reply to #16)
victimnomore
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Susan32 Yep!

Yeah my NH is fat enough too!. I guess that it is hard for me to understand because I could never treat a person the way he treated me. His behavior had me questioning my own character but the people who know me very well always say how nice and humbled I am. But this rat bastard had me believing that I was mean and invasive. (yeah when I caught him on the internet soliciting sex) I guess that was too invasive for him. LOL

victimnomore

Feb 5 - 5PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

VNM

Hello, Well..... if you makes you feel any better. I hate your Narc. Its just another way to get at you. You know better and we do too. Be strong, how can anyone really undersatnd the insanity unless you are in it. Hugs Idealk
Feb 5 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
victimnomore
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idealk9nyc

Well....... It does make me feel better. LOL I wish he would just crawl under a rock and stay there for eternity. So much for wishful thinking. Thanks

victimnomore

Feb 6 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

He IS crawling around under

He IS crawling around under a rock, for eternity. Just look at his life. From the inside out, that is.
Feb 5 - 4PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

It is all an act

REMEMBER THIS,,IT IS ALL AN ACT. There is nothing genuine about their niceness. They have two emotions, aggression and rage. All their behaviors go toward securing supply. No he isn't nice to everyone, they lie through their teeth and no one would ever know. He could be and probably is saying things behind your back, they ALL do, this is WHAT they do and we have to CHOOSE not to participate, and never be fooled again. And go to the hospital,,,don't ever let exN stand in your way!!!!! Take all their comments with a grain of salt. Laugh to yourself, you my dear know THE TRUTH and that gives you power. Do NOT be deceived,,,,think clearly now. Do not be deceived, and have the COURAGE to know the difference.
Feb 5 - 4PM
alittledark
alittledark's picture

yeah you were too close

Briseis answers a lot of my own questions in her comments. Victimnomore I am sorry that your narc is wears his mask around your precious family and time hasn't revealed his true self. What a terrible feeling that must be to cause you to doubt your own character. I have yet to get to that point where I have been totally discarded and devalued (to my face that is). Shame on me. I haven't got the backbone to call him on shit. My NC has been more of a fading NC if that is even possible. I am trying to do it in a way that he just fades away. He has shown that he really doesn't need me and I know he has this personality disorder based on all the red flags early on in our online relationship. But that's just it...we only had an online relationship, so of course he could hide behind his mask easier with me and add to that my co-dependency issues and also that I am afraid of rejection...I'd rather drop off the face of the earth than let him devalue me. Like everyone says, lift your head up high because you are a strong woman to have put up with his bullshit all those years and to now be able to go NC now. He knows your true heart and he knows you know his true heart...so keep on with NC (as if I have room to talk), but I send you my hugs as well. I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. --Helen Keller

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.
--Helen Keller

Feb 5 - 4PM (Reply to #8)
victimnomore
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alittledark

Thanks for the encouragement (and yes you have room to talk) I need all of the positive feedback that I can get. It seems as though he is trying his hardest to be around any of my family member that he can. this hospital stay for my aunt was just a reason for him to visit and be Mr. Good Guy because he works at the hospital so he get to see all of my family and I don't. He just won't go away! I do not bother his family and I love them but I can't be around them because I am determined to get him out of my system once and for all so I had to sacrifice his family. If he call our son on his cell phone and we are at a family function he asks our son to put several family members on the phone so he can talk to them, but this is the family that he did not want. I wish he would just fade away into the universe and leave me alone. I wish I had a magic wand. POOF!!!!!!

victimnomore

Feb 5 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

((((((VNM))))))) Unfortunatel

((((((VNM))))))) Unfortunately it seems to make a LOT of sense why they treat the one they are supposed to love worse than anyone else. You are closer to Ground Zero hon. I suppose a person at a safe distance could witness a bright mushroom cloud and say "Ooooooh, how pretty!". But the folks frying and turning to ash from the radiation at Ground Zero have a very, very different perspective. That's it, bottom line. The closer you are to the Narc (relationally, intimately) the closer you are to his black heart, and naturally, the more affected by it you are. I see that you may have questioned yourself for a bit, but by the end of the post, you've gotten perspective again :) Your auntie (so glad she's recovering) just sees the "brightness" of his mushroom cloud. How convincingly suave and charming he is FROM A DISTANCE. My exNarc was also very well liked by everyone who met him. And I felt that exact same isolation and mindfuck that he treated me so HORRIBLY and could turn on the faucet of pleasant concern and playfulness with THEM. This is classic for the cause, I'm afraid :( It's enough that YOU know who and what he is. You can't KNOW him for other people, ever. You can only know him for yourself. And to say "You didn't live with him" is a perfect thing to say. If a person were to ask you to elaborate, then you could say more about it, or simply say "I didn't leave him because petunias and gladiolas sprouted out of his ass." Or something less colorful :D Good job, you are doing so well. Yes, even with all the pain, doing so well VNM :)
Feb 5 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Victimnomore,,Briseis is right

It is sick to see them in action, making people laugh, saying all the right things,,smoothing them over,,but in their time of need,,they are never there. You would be shocked to know the dark side of that person he is..like Briseis said we have seen a glimmer of their black side, it is enough to know something is not right with them. Do you feel that? Do you know that? Do you understand that? Honest? Do you know in your heart that they are a friend to no one, and they dupe their closest, the people who have given and sacraficed and shown them affection, even their VERY CHILDREN and spouse and family their will dupe to the end.. They have no character, no integrity. That is the confusion, don't go there with them. I know you probably want to spill your guts to your family, if they only knew,,right...don't defend him, you..go off topic onto anything else,,,like where do we want to go on vacation......where is a great resturaunt,,anything,,
Feb 7 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
spinning
spinning's picture

Amazed, this is Amazing...

And So True. I hope everyone reads this very "bottom line" description of reality of the disordered ones, along with Bries's notations above. Thank you for posting this. I need to read it over and over. The truth. They are a Friend to No One. No Character. No Integrity. Ugh. Bleech. EEEEEEWWWWW. Victimnomore, Way To Go on your five months of NC. That is HUGE and something you should draw strength from. It shows how strong you are and how determined you are to get this "person" out of an away from your life FOR GOOD. This way, GOOD THINGS CAN FLOW TO YOU. I just know it. Blessings to all of you awesome community members here... sincerely (a little slower) spin cycle (spinning)

spinning

Feb 7 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

SPINNING

I thank you for your comments. I am struggling today with wasn't I good enough? I know that I was and actually was too good and to right for him. This is the biggest fight of my life because I have been supply for him for 25 years. I have been his mother, maid, secretary, assistant, lover, accountant, bank. You name it I have been there for him and I just pray that he does not come back my way ever again. I am really trying hart to recover in spite of the pain. I know that this pain is temporary and I want to go through it so I come out the other side new and fresh. ALL SEEDS TAKE ROUTE UNDERGROUND IN THE DARKNESS. THIS IS WHERE NEW LIFE BEGINS!

victimnomore

Feb 7 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
spinning
spinning's picture

VNM, you are on

the right track. Eradicating 25 years of brainwashing is hard. I'm struggling just getting rid of six. You're doing great work and the questioning, I believe, won't last much longer. I have actually been convincing myself (and beginning to feel it and know it on a deeper level) that he WILL NEVER HAVE ANYONE as good as me in his life. NEVER. I KNOW, like you do as stated above, THAT I AM too good and so right that he couldn't take it. The pain of realizing what these 'creatures' are and what they are capable of is immense, but so is the strength that it is bringing to us. I struggle with the perception by a very FEW that the disordered one I was sucked in by is such a 'free spirit,' such a 'funny guy,' such a 'good person.' These FEW who believe that are people who he never sees in person, spent very little time with, and are completely CLUELESS to the depth of his deeply disturbed nature. It bothers me, but I hang my hat on the fact that I KNOW THE TRUTH and I will NEVER AGAIN be affected by his disorder. On the REVERSE, he will NEVER AGAIN have me, touch me, toy with me, torture me, eat my excellent cooking, be inside my house in the woods, pet my loyal animals or breathe the same air space. This is how I try to get stronger one inch at a time. VNM, I think you've done great work and know there are better days ahead... Sending the good vibes to all... sincerely (slow burning) spin cycle (spinning)

spinning

Feb 5 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
victimnomore
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Briseis LMAO!

Petunias and gladiolas sprouted out of his ass! Well that sure made me Laugh Out Loud! Thanks for your insight!

victimnomore