1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. All About Him Forum
  5. Need help - how to live w N while I figure out $ so I can keep MY house

Need help - how to live w N while I figure out $ so I can keep MY house

19 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Sep 2 - 1PM
FarmGirl
FarmGirl's picture

Need help - how to live w N while I figure out $ so I can keep MY house

The house we live in is solely in my name. I bought it when I had a good paying job but now that I am unemployed the payment is too much for me to make on my own.

I am in the middle of a mortgage modification and IF I goes through as planned I can afford the house on my own.

I'm also waiting on tax refunds after they are done with their manual review (audit maybe? eeks)...

All of this means I have to bide my time here WITH the N while my finances get figured out.

How do I tolerate him now that I have opened my eyes to his shenanigans?

Any tips from seasoned pros out there?

TIA :)
XX

Sep 2 - 2PM
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

You are still stuck in his web...

So am I, just to let you know. When I step back and look at the situation, I realize any 'normal' person would have better boundaries, would absolutely NEVER see the N again, and actually feel good about it. I'm still putting up with sh*t. And I'm 'scared' to confront and do what needs to be done to become totally free. I don't want to cause waves. I'm not living with him but he stops by anytime to see the children. I should get a schedule from him. He also walks I to the house without knocking. He comes into the house when I'm at work on the weekends and does laundry. This is someone whomgive me NO MONEY, at all for his 5, yes 5 children. You are also using what he has said about 'stealing' to control you. Can you believe anything he says? Him even making a comment about stealing his ex's things is like a threat he just had to put out there to you. How valuable is every hour of your life? Every second we continue to allow these sicko's in our life is a second too long. We have so much healing to do and it can't even start until they are out. Take note of the things you have and show him the list as your foot connects with his butt. Don't let him scare you! Get him out!
Sep 2 - 2PM (Reply to #18)
FarmGirl
FarmGirl's picture

Interesting thought about the

Interesting thought about the stealing...but he did actually steal those things and lied to his EX that he has them...I've been slowly returning them ;) heh My N knows that losing my grandmother's things would break my heart. I lost a storage unit full of antiques years ago when my XH & I broke up & I was sick in the hospital with no money to pay the rent. My N knows how that haunts me still...12 years later. I gave him an excellent weapon against me just by sharing something that a normal couple would share. I am stuck in his web. I wish people on the outside could see what quicksand N victims walk on.
Sep 2 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Put out an add for ROOM FOR

Put out an add for ROOM FOR RENT and toss N out on his butt. There is no time like the present. Hunter
Sep 2 - 1PM (Reply to #15)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Truly, I like this idea. I

Truly, I like this idea. I think that to suffer one more day of abuse at the hands of this man, is not in your best interest. I would though tell him…here’s the deal…you have 30 days to vacate. And work hard at finding someone to move in.
Sep 2 - 2PM (Reply to #16)
FarmGirl
FarmGirl's picture

This would be ideal. I don't

This would be ideal. I don't think I have enough oomph in me to do it. Why do they suck us dry like this? I have almost zero reserves to make the break-up happen, but I know if I don't I am going to end up in a very bad way in the not too distant future.
Sep 2 - 1PM (Reply to #14)
FarmGirl
FarmGirl's picture

I've toyed with that idea

I've toyed with that idea trust me...
Sep 2 - 1PM
Used
Used's picture

FARM GIRL

when i decided i was done with my husband,and needed to save some money to help me live and move...i just kept my head down with him...i didnt make waves,i just abided my time...knowing i was going to get out or die in the process...i dont know about taxes and buying houses...but this is what i would do....good luck.
Sep 2 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
FarmGirl
FarmGirl's picture

I have been the extra good

I have been the extra good little wifey lately. He's reveling in it. I'm TRYING so hard not to rock the boat but I'm a red head and when he does a typical Narc thing it is all I can do to hold my tongue...
Sep 2 - 1PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Have you and he declared the

Have you and he declared the actual ‘relationship’ to be over? And if so, is he aware this is to be like brother and sister living together, just a roommate type of situation?
Sep 2 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
FarmGirl
FarmGirl's picture

Basically already roomies

Basically already roomies since we do not have sex, talk about the future etc. If I tell him it's over NOW he will take my stuff, talk me out of it etc. He stole tons of stuff from his XW when they split b/c he was cheating on her. He told me it was to "pay her back" for whatever... The stuff I have are things that were my grandma's and other family treasures...it'd hurt to lose them.
Sep 2 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
Used
Used's picture

dont tell him anything...me

dont tell him anything...me and myex were like brother and sister...but i still didnt tell him anything....until i told him to go....i knew if he knew..that would be my undoing....
Sep 2 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
FarmGirl
FarmGirl's picture

"that would be my undoing" <~

"that would be my undoing"
Sep 2 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
Used
Used's picture

then do what i

then do what i done.... softly softly catchee monkey....altho when i finally told him to go.....i gave him a month...but after 3weeks,i said go now.....i was at the end of my tether,i didnt care wether i lived or died and he knew this..
Sep 2 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
FarmGirl
FarmGirl's picture

I don't think I can live one

I don't think I can live one moment with him after I tell him to go. He can and will sweet talk me back into his snare. I know this for a fact. UGH. Half of me wants to sell this house and be done with him, but I don't think I can even get what I owe right now :(
Sep 2 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
Used
Used's picture

my ex didnt even try to sweet

my ex didnt even try to sweet talk me...my last words were i want you out..you have a month to get out....i then moved out of our room.....and i cant remember another thing about it...THAT IS TRUE....
Sep 2 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
FarmGirl
FarmGirl's picture

I hope this is what will

I hope this is what will happen with us too. I'm doing just what I've read to do...becoming dull and boring and preoccupied with myself. He's a bit at a loss since I've always been the energetic partner who has tons of life and love and energy to give...and all of the sudden I'm a dry well ( O;-)
Sep 2 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

so you're married to him? if

so you're married to him? if so, get a divorce...and get him out. no reason to be afraid of this dickhead any longer. let him threaten. he needs to go. he'll prey on your fears if you let him. i know, it's not easy. but he needs to go.
Sep 2 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
FarmGirl
FarmGirl's picture

We're not married thankfully!

We're not married thankfully! We do have a 4yo child together (altho he "neglected" to sign the birth certificate record to declare that he was the father). Which is very typical of him... I am scared of his reactions. He hit me once years ago and my only physical protection is my 20yo son who is moving away to college next Thursday. I know my 20yo's older brother who lives an hour away will come to my rescue if I need it...but my hugest fear is being weak and taking him back AGAIN. This will be the 4th time in 9 1/2 years I've ended it with him. I want it to stick this time.