Need a few words of encouragement

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#1 Feb 3 - 3PM
safyre99
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Need a few words of encouragement

I was talking to a friend of mine and she said that she saw a picture of my exN with the OW's child on Facebook. That really hurt. They've been going out for about 3 1/2 months and my exN started devaluing me around the 3 1/2-4 month mark, and I feel that their relationship is still going strong and he's putting it all out there on FB and he never did that when he and I were going out. I keep wondering when is the OW's devaluing going to start. Not that I want someone to be treated the way I had been, but he hurt me so much and by me feeling that their relationship is so strong and he's happier with her, it's hard to think that it really was him not me. And, that he's going to end up treating her the same way.

Just feeling kind-of down.... But I refuse to go on FB and look. I'm so tempted to but I won't. I've been NC for over 2 months and I'm going to continue with NC.

Thank you all for being there!

Feb 4 - 9PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

You Have No Idea

You cannot know what is happening there. I learned from the woman who replaced me that the physical abuse started with her within three months. Only started with me after 2 years. I think he f**ked with my mind a bit more for various reasons. But, he got her financially in a way that he did not get me. One never knows what is going on in a relationship. And, there are some women who acccept abuse with a smile. Even end up in hospital after a beating & still go back to the abuser. But, I promise you, he's doing to her what he did to you. As soon as he feels that he's got her hooked, the D&D will start.
Feb 4 - 9PM (Reply to #16)
Susan32
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Stringing both along

I think the ex-Psych professor expected me to stay (he begged me for my home address&phone number- never got them) so he could string both me and his live-in girlfriend along. Now, I realized he wanted to model himself on Prince Nicolai Rostov in "War and Peace" who strings along both Princess Marya and his orphaned childhood sweetheart Sonya, until he settles on Marya because she's an heiress and he needs to settle his debts. (Nicolai ends up being a real catch who keeps Sonya around as a household servant/nanny, and as Tolstoy puts it, Nicolai&Marya "fully appreciate" the fact that they're mistreating Sonya, and there's increased hostility&alienation whenever Marya is pregnant, and Nicolai thinks babies are disgusting) Leo Tolstoy himself strung along Sofia and her sisters before settling on Sofia. Even in his diary, Leo wondered if he was more enamored of the idea of marriage than with a particular woman. He refers to Sofia in his diary as "plain and vulgar"-and they did have a strong sexual attraction. They engaged in some telepathic word play (yes, the whole "soul mate" thing) Leo's whirlwind courtship of Sofia mirrors so many of our experiences. They married within a week, and as AN Wilson notes in his Tolstoy bio "The newlyweds didn't even know if they liked each other." During the courtship, Leo was indecisive about proposing to Sofia, he even threatened suicide if he didn't get married. When Sofia was crying on her ride back from the wedding, Leo told her "If you're so sad about leaving your family, you don't love me that much."
Feb 4 - 5PM
Susan32
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Seeing the OW being treated the SAME way...

I met the OW only once, after a concert. She and I introduced ourselves, the ex-Psych professor retreated to the doorway, and the longer the conversation went, the further down the stairs he went... he physically abandoned her. When she realized he had left, she went running down the stairs. He didn't act affectionately towards her. It was weird... watching them at the concert was like seeing him with me (she was my double,in a way) They acted like brother&sister, not like sweethearts. Watching him physically abandon her was painful to watch. I guess if the both of them had a public make-out session to the point of me saying "Go get a room, you lil' lovebirds!"--I would've had closure. Usually, it takes time. She had moved all the way from California to New Mexico to be with him. It was sad to watch.
Feb 4 - 3PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I'm so glad you feel better,

I'm so glad you feel better, Safyre (read your post at the bottom of the thread). When you feel like that, DEFINITELY ask for some reassurance, we'll give it to you in spades :D Here's a little bit of advice that has really helped me a ton. "Do not believe everything you feel." I've also heard "Do not believe everything you think." Your pain and "rejection" are significant, huge right now. And this colors your thinking. It's sort of like you aren't really THINKING (in a logical manner), you are FINKING, a kind of "thinking" rendered illogical by painful feelings. Finking is the way a person concludes that somehow their Narc will live happily ever after with the New Woman because in truth, they were just a Narc because of YOU. I'm gonna remember that one for myself lol. Finking. When I was little I could not make the R sound or the TH sound (for which I still get imitated at nearly every family gathering :D ). Maybe I was onto something at the age of three. Reaching out to other people is called a "reality check", because they are objective and not inundated by your personal pain. That's what we are all here for.
Feb 4 - 9AM
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Great point made by one of

Great point made by one of the other ladies here to you about their positive projection of themselves...both the N's I have had the misfortune to have had in my life lied through their pearly white teeth to achieve this. D/D comes at different points in different relationships with them all depends how useful that person is to them. I don't know if you have read this link before as it has been posted before but just in case you haven't I'll post it again. It was a great help to me in the early days. http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2007/12/other-woman-now-hes-happy.html
Feb 5 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
safyre99
safyre99's picture

Thank you for the link

Thank you for the link carolkittygale. I hadn't read that article before and it was very helpful. It brought the point home again that he's not going to change. I still keep blaming myself for him breaking up with me and that this OW must offer him so much more than I did.... so it helped to read that narcissists and pathologicals do not change their behavior. It was an interesting point you made that D&D comes at different times and it depends on how useful the person is to them... it got me to thinking that the OW may be more useful to him than me since she has a child and my exN always said he wants children and his childhood and home life were dysfunctional so she may be providing a "normal" healthy family life for him, one he never had. Also, I'm in my 40s (my exN is a bit younger than me) and I may not be able to provide children so I always felt that my age and maybe not being able to have children might be issues for him. The OW is his age so I can see how she could be much more useful to him than me. But I guess it's inevitable that the D&D will happen to her too at some point.
Feb 3 - 6PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Well I just tell you this

Well I just tell you this the N is still posting or should I say leaving up pictures of him with the EX and I know it has been over with them now going on 2 years so you cant go by that. The length of time they last with any one supply depends on a number of factors and sometimes its just about how much abuse the supply can take but trust me it always ends and ends badly. I have seen this over a 20 year period with mine. Its compulsive to them they cant help it. It is their disorder
Feb 3 - 5PM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Just because your friend saw

Just because your friend saw a picture of your exn with the OW on Facebook, doesn't necessarily mean that he ISN'T starting to devalue her. It just means that OW posted a picture of her and exn. If it's anything like your relationship with him, I would guess that other people didn't know exactly when he started devaluing you either. Most people don't know exactly what goes on in someone's relationship behind closed doors. Unless indicated otherwise directly, they usually assume everything is happy, happy, happy. One thing I've learned about my xnh is that he does a whole lot of projecting illusions. I've seen him go on an on to other people telling a highly crafted version of the Utopia that is his life. Do not believe what you see and hear with these narcs. They lie. A lot. Before the D&D, Xnh consistently told everyone within hearing how concerned he was for me about my health problems. This was all happening at the same time he was actually doing things like throwing his cell phone at me in rages, telling me he wished I go away and die because my health was "holding him back from living life", and he was cheating on me with another woman. Xnh was apparently trying out for "Caring Empathic Husband of the Year" in public. I'm amazed he didn't break his own arm by continually patting himself on the back. It was all bullsh*t. The reality of xnh was quite different than the illusion he was trying to portray. He wasn't concerned about me. He was an abusive, self-centered, lying, cheating turd that was merely trying to hide his true self in public using smoke and mirrors. I wouldn't be too concerned or hurt because OW posted pictures of the two of them. It doesn't necessarily show reality, and in the end, she's stuck with him. She may well be posting pictures of them together when she's really not all that blissful. If OW isn't being devalued yet, she will be. He's a narc. He isn't any different now than when he was with you. He's the same exact disordered person as always. Count on it. You, on the other hand, are free because of your NC to move on with your life and have a happier future in whatever form YOU choose. You deserve better than being tormented by a narc. We all do. Hugs. ______________________________________________________ God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Feb 3 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
Hunter
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Yep, Better her than u, I'm

Yep, Better her than u, I'm just saying....
Feb 3 - 4PM
Alive
Alive's picture

All

ican say is, keep plugging away, Im sorry you are feeling this way, if i could give you a hug then i would so here goes.....HUUUGGGSSS. It was NOT you, it will always be the other persons fault and not his. You deserved better. :)
Feb 3 - 4PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Saf, sweety...

it won't be any different than it was with you. Be proud that you've been 2 months NC and that you are not going to look. That's strong. You're strong. Now try to take that strength a little further and shift the focus from him and her and what he's doing onto how great it is that you've been 2 months NC and you will never again deal with the chaos, heartache, drama and pain of a destructive relationship with a disordered "person." Take credit for this huge milestone. He will always end up in the exact same place. You will move on and be happy and fulfilled. He will become nothing but an ant on the vast landscape of your life if you continue on this strong path you are on. Two months is a hard, hard time. You've done great. I'm at almost three and I'm here to tell you that you won't be as troubled by the "disordered one" and his "new relationship" if you keep up the good work. It's okay to feel down. Yesterday was tough for me but I got through it. Today's another day to work on getting it out and moving toward the light. Lisa's latest blog about emotional thoughts and retraining the brain has some very helpful tips in it. It takes effort, but I focus on how good we'll feel when we are finally free of the negative thought processes that kept us entangled with such harmful "individuals." Safyre, I'm pulling for you...it will get better:) (((((((Safyre))))))) Sincerely (somewhat slowing down from) spinning

spinning

Feb 3 - 3PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

safre99

I understand the feeling and know what you are going through. We all have doubt at times if we did everything we could have to save our relationship. What we have to remember is, we were alone in the relationship. There was no 'us'. It was 'you' alone. It was a daydream of sorts. You saw only what you wanted to see and not who you were really dating. This OW is going to get the same treatment eventually. Nothing can be said by a picture. I'm sorry but narc and I had a lot of happy pictures together, but it didn't tell the real story. You don't know what is happening there behind closed doors. But really it doesn't matter to you what happens right? You should tell your friend to please not tell you anything about him at all in the future. That's the kind of friend you really need right now. You don't want to know what is going on in his life. I certainly don't want to know what is going on in my narc's life because I know how much pain it would cause and I don't need that. You don't either. I hope you feel better. Happy
Feb 3 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
spinning
spinning's picture

Thanks, Hap for saying

what I forgot in my post and think is important. I made a decision two weeks ago (and it's been tested already) to not engage in anything ANYTHING that has to do with him via "mutual friends" as I find it is a setback. Saf, I'll agree with Happy and say let your friend know you are not interested in discussing him/his life. Hang in there, girl! Sincerely (somewhat slowing down from ) spinning

spinning

Feb 3 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Spinning & Happy

Hi Guys, Wow! Look at you guys, I knew it, I have nothing to add your advice, itsright on. This is proof there is light through the Darkness. Saf, delete,delete,delete,NC means NC, Ignorance is bliss!! Hugs Idealk
Feb 3 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Idealk & Spinning

There truly is a much better life after NO NARC/NC!!! 8-)
Feb 3 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
safyre99
safyre99's picture

Thank you so much everyone!

Thank you so much everyone! I really appreciate the comments, encouragement and support! I do feel better already... and that's so true that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors... what my exN puts out there is just an illusion and even if he and the OW appear happy he's still the same disordered person he was with me and his true self will emerge. I do feel proud of myself about the NC and hopefully each day it will be easier and I'll feel stronger and stronger. I'm getting there... a little at a time. I'm so grateful to all of you. Hugs