Need Encouragement - Weekends are so hard

I know exactly how you feel. I dread the weekends. I work during the week and am so broke I have also had to take a weekend bar job near my house, but to be honest it is the only mental reprieve I have. I woke up this morning (Saturday) and my first thought was him. The sun was creeping through my window, I thought "it is a beautiful day. He will be out, already, at the gym, planning his day, planning to be somewhere, seeing somebody, maybe friends, and I am lying in bed on my own, and all I have planned this weekend is my bar job. That is it.' It is miserable and soul-destroying. I wonder during the week when I leave work and I see people out in bars and restaurants, 'who is he with? What is he doing tonight?' You feel so utterly closed off from their life. Once, you were the focus of their world. You were allowed in their space, slept in their bed, smelt their clothes, were a part of their lives, ate supper at their table, texted daily events, did things together. Now, it's like I don't exist for him. He and I broke up last October 16th and then 'reunited' on March 19th. It was over on April 11th after just 2 dates. It has been properly over between him and me now for over 8 months and yet here I am, on a Saturday lunchtime, blogging about him and obsessing about whether it was me that caused and contributed to the break-up because I 'analysed' too much. I am dreading our 'anniversary' in July. He ignored my birthday in June and I know that was deliberate because I ignored his in the New Year having not heard from him at all and not wanting to seem weak or like I was using it as an excuse. I keep imagine him being out on the town. Here was a guy who once said to me "after I got divorced and moved into town, I swore I would fill up my time so that I didn't have to spend evenings in my flat by myself.." And that is exactly what he did. Hiking here, travelling for 4 day trips there, doing marathons, going out to gigs there, drinks out with friends, football matches, concerts, always always something doing. I on the other hand have no money, I can't even afford a movie ticket. I feel like the pathetic, poor relation and my god it hurts like hell. You feel utterly rejected from their life, ousted, and while your logical brain tells you that it wasn't fun, it hurt, they played with your mind, they were toxic, they become like a drug, a fix. The highs are so sweet but the lows are devastating. I always said at the time "if he and I break up it will destroy me." I am now living that. I was confused because he once said to me at a festival we went to "if we broke up I would cope, you know." He said this with a smile. After seeing how stunned I was at the needlessness of the comment after we had had such a great day, he tried qualifying it by saying "I mean, I would get up and do what I had to do each day. It would hurt but what I mean is I wouldn't lie in bed wasting away. I would function." When we got back together in March, he reminded me of that and said "I have no idea why I said that. It really hurt. I missed you so much. I thought about you every day." And yet for 5 long months, nothing but the slightest whisper of interest, which you had to use dusting powder to see. I look back and know in my rational brain he brought about payoff - he suffered what I termed "excitement anxiety". He was such a negative, tense, foreboding person that it was almost as if he had to bring about a negative outcome because he feared trusting in being happy. I was always the emotional crutch who convinced him it was safe and ok to go on. When we 'got back together' (used loosely) I refused to be the 'encouragor', the chaser, the fixer. I determined to be more tough and to make him work a bit. I paid the price for that. Standing up to him for 5 months was the price I paid. I have often wondered if it was a Pyrrhic victory - empty and causing me the ultimate loss, after all. Did I ram the point home too hard? Was I wrong to expect him to pull his finger out and contact me first after he had been so unkind? Was that a reasonable expectation or was he just a frightened little boy who needed encouragement? Certainly that was an aspect of it - he always seemed placated when I soothed him and told him all would be ok. But it felt like it was always at the expense of my feelings. Sure, he jumped at the chance of a reunion - he couldn't have been happier. But should it even have been me who suggested it when he had so plainly been cruel and unkind? He was aware he had been "an absolute arsehole" as he put it later. So why did he grin through the apology? Why, if he came to that realisation, did he not contact me sooner to speak about it and to show real, sincere remorse and regret? His answer? "I was scared." He admitted to "silent torment", but he was "scared". So 5 long months passed while he waited for me to cave first. And I did. Was that regret, or was that game-playing at its very best? He was "scared", he "missed me all the time", he "thought about me every day". It was his "silent torment" and yet, when I offered him lifelines in emails, he chose to ignore them. He would fail to respond to an email. He sent only some of my stuff back but not all, but with a chocolate bar I didn't ask for but he knew I liked. He would be friendly flippant but would go no further. Why, if he felt all those things and he bit my hand off when I suggested the reunion, did he play such silent games all that time? Why would a person do that if you love somebody? Surely, if you love somebody you are risking losing them by playing that sort of game. Why was I somebody he was happy to take that risk with? Is that fair and justifiable? Did I expect too much from somebody so utterly incapable of sticking their neck out? Did I ask too much from somebody who doesn't know how to analyse their emotions, or were we simply incompatible? If so, you go round in circles….why did he propose….why stick around for 20 months….why, if he thought we were amazing, didn't he see it through…..why didn't he allow me that time to grieve and to talk about it….why did his fears and doubts overshadow his realisation that I had them too but I loved him enough to give it a go….why why why why why did he love me at all why why why why???' It's a merry-go-round of madness and pain. Even after this final break-up I am thinking "was he being cruel to be kind or is this yet another game that one day, in the future when he has done some serious growing up, he may come to regret?" Then I think "maybe it is me who needs to grow up. Maybe he got the realisation sooner than I did - that we were not meant to be. Maybe that is what he meant by "we were the victims of bad timing". Maybe he did the sensible thing and I just feel cheated out of saying what I really, really wanted and needed to say. And boy do I feel cheated. I feel so much like I am screaming in my head "why didn't he love me enough to hear me? Why didn't he love me enough to let me grieve and feel my hurt?' WHY WHY WHY. Then another part of my brain (and my mother, whose opinion I trust implicitly) said "this was his punishment for abandoning him. This was his payback for me having the gumption to dump him." And in a way I hope it is payback - because payback and anger and "i'm going to hurt you, you bitch" involves FEELING. It involves feeling enough to care and to want to wound. I need to feel I mattered to him at the end. The fact that he has said to me "I can't be friends with you after this, it would hurt too much" implies feeling. Or is that simply because we had crazy chemistry and he is worried he might still get a hard-on? He can be friends with his ex wife because he sees her "as a sister." It really, really fucking hurts. If there is anything you can take from this, it is that right now, wherever you are and wherever the rest of us in this forum are, we are all going through it or have been through it and YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Take comfort in that. Wishing you love and strength XXX

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way:( Don't be jealous of the new person she is with......sure this person is "fun"......but ultimately, knowing her has lead you to a site about RECOVERING FROM ABUSE! No "fun" in that. Look at the "big picture". She ain't that great! Hang in there and please know that you are not alone and that this will pass. xoxo, Steph

I understand how you feel Kiddun. I have only been brokenup with my N for about 5 weeks now or so and it is hard. I used to enjoy my own company and I am, however most of my friends are married, have kids, or are in an all consuming relationship. I just feel alone and a little lost. My best friend who helped me through this and one of my only single friends moved to London a few weeks ago, so she now lives hundreds of thousands of miles away. I go to call her and realise she is not here anymore. To 'lose' her and the ex N all at the same time has been hard. I feel like I have a 'disease' and none of my friends want to catch it. Even some of my best friends who where in my life while I was with the N have just vanished. I realise I'm the kind of person who reaches out to my friend when they are going through a hard time, but I don't have any friends like that anymore. I had a social life and friends outside of the Narc, but since the Narc has gone I feel like everyone has vanished. I have no plans this weekend, so sat in bed last night watched chick flicks...filled my void with chocolate and wine (felt so ill this morning. It was nice, but not the kind of weekend a 27 year old wants to be having every weekend and it is looking that way more and more. I am isolating myself a bit as I'm sure you are too, because I just can't relate to 'normal' people at the moment. I'm so thankful for this site, because the people on here are the only ones who understand what we are going through. Without this place to vent, discuss, mull I would be lost. My parents even feel sorry for me, mum even said the other night that they have a more active social life than I do.....geee thanks mum LOL.

kiddunn - First thing you must do is join a gym. These days, the fees are minimal and the classes, machines etc are abundant. Exercise is the greatest anti-depressant out there! It takes a bit to motivate yourself, but once you get into a routine, it will be second nature. After a bit, you will meet many people and make many social contacts as well. Also look into adventure groups in your area. If you live somewhat close to a major city, there are bound to be groups for "singles" NOT to date, to go out as a group on th weekends, skiing, tubing, wine tasting, dining, concerts etc.......you can usually find these groups on Facebook or your local newspaper. There are many, many ways to get out and meet people, don't be shy, many people are in your same shoes. don't look back and feel like you are missing out on your weekends with her. Look at it as you moving forward, she is staying behind. Its all in a matter of how you look at it! Good luck kiddunn! You will do great!

Hi there maybe you might think of someone that is in a way worse situation and give them a call encourage them on the phone pay it foward... and then maybe that will fuel you to do what "Done" suggested I like his idea alot the book store is a great way to be among people without too much pressure the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step get your shoes on and just do one thing you didnt do last weekend not a long list..just one life has a way of helping you with the rest 98% of success, in anything...is just showing up I have a feeling you will be really surprised at what is waiting for you..., keep us posted be blessed K

This was hard for me to get used at first as well. Time just seemed to YAWN in front of me like a void, and I found this really strange because I've always been the type of person that really enjoys spending time alone. I think all of the chaos and drama that xnh always had swirling around him made "normal" levels of activity feel really SLOW and empty for me at first. He turned weekends into what his narc mother called "an xnh weekend". Meaning xnh would take about 3 weeks of activities and cram them into two days. It was exhausting for me. When he D&D'd and left, I had been more than happy to have peace and some solitude back in my life. However, it was quite a jolt to my system to go from activities happening around me at warp speed to suddenly vast amounts of time that *I* needed to fill on my own. Therefore, I started taking exercise classes a couple of evenings a week, I walk my dogs every night, and I started forcing myself to be proactive talking up things to do with friends at work so that I could have at least one fun thing to look forward to doing on the weekends (even if it's just meet a friend for a burger at lunch time one of the days). This "void" felt very strange and empty to me right after the D&D. However, nature abhors a void. If you can start finding things you enjoy doing, just make the leap. Start doing them. You'll soon find that your life is as busy as you would like it to be, and it will be things YOU choose to do instead of the narc. One of the activities I now do on the weekends is that I bought a swimming pass at the local pool, and I go swim whenever I want out of the house. Sometimes I'll feel like something more quiet, so I'll go buy a sandwich and sit in the park reading a book and watching the other people. Even loading up the Moron Twins (my two dogs - they're not really twins but they are really morons. lol) into the car and taking them for a drive, can be fun. I have a friend that I frequently talk to on the phone over the weekend. Call someone up you know and chat with them for a bit. It helps me with the loneliness to know that I'm NOT the only person in the world sitting home alone. You'll find that getting up and forcing yourself to find things to do will help reduce the depression. At least we all are still young enough that we have the ability to do things we enjoy. Anyhow, I know I'm not at an age yet where I'm an elderly shut-in that CAN'T get out and enjoy my life. Well, maybe I'm close to 150 years old (according to my nephew), but I'm not quite done living yet. lol. Big hugs to you!

Lots and lots of things you can do....the worlds your oyster. One of the things I learned was to enjoy my own company and I got myself back into good shape physically, ate healthy and pampered myself with watching really good films and reading really good books then everything else seemed to follow....you have to get positive. Get out into the fresh air and see what is going on, do you remember what you used to like to do and was interested in before the Narc? get back into it again. It's really awful at first, it leaves a void and you have to force yourself not to remember the good times but focus on why it is not good to be with them but I have to say as heartbroken as I was when I spilt with Narc #2 I had a sense of relief too.

I find a seat in a bookstore and grab a book, read a little, people watch a little...it will feel good to be out in public, but not exposed or like you are the only one there that is alone. With the book I also would feel safe, not out of place, and calm. It is a great place to not feel weird or alone. Ypu could also go to the airport and stand by the arrival gate with a sign that says Smith ( or Kiddunn) and see what happens. This too shall pass! Chris

and look at all that is going on and go out and do something take along a camera and take pic get some friends together for a BBQ-- anything u can think of! You have to try! =) Weekends are hard for me too but I stay as busy as possible so much good weather I will be getting out of the house try not to stay in all weekend TRY to think of some thing you might enjoy doing without the N!

SO dont sit there go do something, anything. Weekends used to suck for me too. It will get better. I promise. Hunter

can you grit your teeth and get out there, by yourself? maybe you can make some new friends? church group? singles group? AA/Alanon? (if you have any of those issues) take a class at the gym? a painting class?