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NC v. co-parenting a teen

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#1 Jan 29 - 7PM
Marlinmom
Marlinmom's picture

NC v. co-parenting a teen

Whew, gang, I have been through the blender. After more than two months of very minimal contact, I agreed to see my Narc with a therapist to deal with issues of co-parenting our 15 year old daughter. this led to him being around more, and some more normal behavior on his part. However, the manipulation of me is so insidious and relentless I am exhausted and strung out. he will make comments about how much he liked something or how he is doing something I was asking him to do for months like investigate medications, while we were still together. or he will drop small references designed to make me think he is starting to come out of his most recent crazy fog of abuse, and then he'll turn and just shut me down if I respond to that in any friendly or hopeful way. he finally began acknowledging that he has been lying so much, he's out of control. in fact he said that lying and rationalizing everything he does is his own personal addiction, which seemed like a positive realization. next day it's as if we never talked and he'll say or do something so weird and perversely rationalized I really get worried about even letting him see our daughter. she takes all her cues from me. If I'm relaxed and ok, she'll see him and have fun. if he's been obnoxious or weird and I seem stressed, she won't even return his texts. I appreciate the loyalty but the pressure of managing this relationship while I try to heal from his betrayals and abuse is ripping my guts out.

Anybody have any insights or suggestions? I have a good therapist I'm seeing. just wondered from the front lines if anyone has landed on this problem in a productive way.

Jan 29 - 7PM
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Couple Questions

Are you seeing a therapist separately from the joint parenting therapist? Because if your "good" therapist is also your joint co-parenting therapist...they are NOT a good therapist. I see major problems here: 1) He is a narc and he has absolutely no interest in doing "joint" anything...let alone joint parenting. He is leading you down a very slippery slope and covertly abusing you all the while. 2) You are seeing a therapist together (for co-parenting only, I'm assuming)...this is a HUGE no-no in an abusive situation (which you always have when your partner is a narc). If this therapist is not aware of his personality disorder then you are setting yourself up for major failure/heartbreak. 3) Your daughter is old enough or nearly so to decide for herself where she wants to be - so why are you trying to co-parent with him at all? In my opinion (my kids are 16, 12, 10 & 2) you should be LC (low contact), have the absolute minimum of contact with him that you can get by with and communicate ONLY by email. If you are trying to divorce or get away from him, he certainly should not be around the home in any way shape or form. Your daughter (again, in my opinion) should have the court-mandated amount of visitation and NO MORE. Narcs contribute NOTHING to the lives of their children besides chaos, drama and covert/overt abuse. Narcs are not capable of loving anyone or anything besides themselves...they are the master of their own universe. If you are required (by court order or in preparation for trial) to have contact with him in this way, then you need to be polite, comply with all court orders but go absolutely no further. If he is not compliant with medications (like my first narc ex) then you can document, follow up with your daughter's therapist and deal with it in court. Dealing with these assclowns is exhausting and can cause you to spin but it seems to me that he is sucking you right back in to his web with all this contact only to abuse you further. That isn't doing a damn thing to help either you or your daughter.
Jan 30 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
Marlinmom
Marlinmom's picture

All good advice

Thank you for taking the time to go through these very important points. I can tell you speak form experience, which I am gradually gaining. to address your questions -- No, my therapist is separate from the co-parenting person. The only reason I agreed to see a co-parenting counselor is that he was being so erratic and saying such weird things to my 15 year-old and my 22 year-old, not to mention heaping emotional abuse on me, that I said I can't talk to you or negotiate anything with you without some kind of referee present. The counselor figured out his dishonesty from the first session and basically said look, a 15 year-old who is watching you disrespect her mother with no regard for her feelings is not going to have any interest in any relationship with you. the experience ultimately was useful in terms of forcing him to admit many of his lies (who knows how many), but it's been a brutal and difficult experience for me. He also started his own therapy as a consequence and now he's at least saying he's going to see a psychiatrist for a med evaluation. It's been important to me that I support his path to becoming a healthier dad, but my girls know that I have and that he is the problem. He was abandoned by his mother very young and his dad was an alcoholic. he literally never saw his mother between the ages of 8 and 20,when he tracked her down and saw her once, and then not again until he was 49. I saw the damage of that and did not want my girls to be abandoned even though they are older; I'm learning that the damage of contact can be worse, however.
Jan 30 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

If he's an N

then him attending counseling is a ruse to look better in the eyes of the therapist/courts. They have no interest in changing but they love to garner attention for themselves and play "super dad". I understand what you are saying about not wanting your girls abandoned but this man will do NOTHING but damage them further. You cannot have a relationship with a narc...either as wife, gf, daughter, sister, mother, brother, etc...it is always all about him and always all about supply. Please don't think otherwise. You have a good heart and I can hear your pain from having to deal with him so closely. Contact=Pain. My suggestion at this point is to have your girls continue in counseling alone/with you and for you to watch Sam Vaknin on youtube. He has many videos on narcissists and parenting and I think it will be an eye opening and educational experience for you. Don't hesitate to PM me if you want to talk further.