NC and co-parenting, it sucks!!!!!

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#1 May 5 - 11AM
hope4me
hope4me's picture

NC and co-parenting, it sucks!!!!!

It is very hard to have NC when you have to co-parent and attend extra curricular activities with your kids. My ex NH moved 40 miles away from our small town because in his words "it's a dump". Funny, he's the one who chose that town initially, of course that was when he had no money and I was the one making the money. He moved be because he was screwing around with a woman in the other town. Our town is a small country town and is nice, not ritzy, but nice. His town, is small but the people there are all about status, and he built a big house in a ritzy subdivision even though he filed bankruptsy prior to this. Amazing how that happens. Anyway, it has been 4 years and I have never seen nor met the OW he left me for. She avoids me. SHe does not come to my kids activities which has been a blessing, I don't think I could handle seeing her in person. For the most part my ex has avoided talking about her when I'm around, until now. I didn't have a lot of friends after our split, most were his so I have really tried to start getting out and getting involved in Church, school volunteering etc. I have become more outgoing and really try to talk and visit with the parents at their activities. When my ex would go he would usually sit off to the side not saying much which was good but lately he has been coming over and sitting in the group and of course butting in on all the conversations. I am really starting to hate it because no matter what is said, he has done it or has a friend who has it, has a buddy who does this or that. It is annoying. The OW is a teacher and last night he was talking about her to someone sitting in the stands next to me. He mentioned how she was looking for a job and could not find one in their town so she may try and find one in my town. He also has been suddenly befriending all these people in my town, everyone is now his buddy even though he didn't know anyone before. I guess I feel angry because I want to move on and make friends and be able to enjoy an event without hearing about he and the OW or God forbid seeing her in my town. Everyone thinks he is great and he talks a good game in front of them all. I just take deep breaths and turn away but I feel by doing this I am letting him win. I noticed too that the parents have been asking him if he and the OW are going to festivals and dances in the surrounding small towns. Because he is a couple and so are they it seems thay always run into him everywhere. I want to make friends, get my outgoing self back but it seems he brings me down and these people have no idea what he did. Plus, some of the moms are teachers and know the OW from college and high school but they don't know about the affair. It just sucks on so many levels. Having kids with these people makes it soooooo hard.

May 6 - 3PM
sanctuary
sanctuary's picture

I did want to say one other

I did want to say one other thing. I found that a lot of the teachers and people at school got what kind of a person the N's are. And it did take a little time. I just think there's not too much they can do about it unless it becomes outward abuse. The ExN called a meeting at school trying to say my daughter was failing so he could point point out what a bad parent I was. Every teacher she had was there, and said that she was doing fine. But after that every one of them treated me better and treated my daughter way better. They got to see why she was having such a hard time.
May 7 - 3AM (Reply to #31)
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Outside support

Its good to hear that you have found positive support from your d's teachers Sanctuary. It is easy to cut of trust in this position because it does take a long time for people to 'get it'. I have found myself distancing from friends and no longer approaching outside support systems for help because of the disbelief or rejections received first time around. i guess the key is to keep going and to be willing to give people time to get it. The N will always let himself down in the end because thats who he is. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

May 6 - 2PM
M
M's picture

Klarity

I like your book idea...maybe we moms can collaborate on a project together. Michvegas
May 7 - 3AM (Reply to #23)
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Lets do it, nothing stopping us!

I joined this forum with the specific purpose of gaining knowledge of how to better navigate the treacherous waters of 'co-parenting' with an N. My knowledge of NPD and my own awareness has grown so much since being here - the articles that Barbara posts and the co-parenting topics have helped me enormously. its also a great place to rant about the N and ranting is something we sooooo need considering the frustration we have to live with on a daily basis. Other women get to walk away from their Ns and will eventually heal - we are possibly chained to the toxic bastards for the rest of our lives where our kids are concerned. I am also a longtime member of another great support forum for folk who are either related to or connected to someone with a personality disorder and they have a co-parenting section. This forum is orientated towards self focused recovery from the fallout of being in relationship to PD's and I get a lot out of reading and posting there too. There are some very wise long term and experienced members there who have helped me hugely. http://www.outofthefog.net/index.html I know Barbara set up a parenting section here at IAAH but it doesn't get many hits so i've noticed most of co-parents post here in the vain forum.Perhaps we could start using the parenting section here more? we could use it as a place to share our tips of survival for ourselves and most importantly our kids - they are the poor innocents who have to actually spend time with these N Aholes. Personally i'd like to look at the following areas:- 1. Protecting/helping our children to deal with their N Parent. 2. Saving our own energy, how to pick our fights carefully with N and how best to deal with the gaslighting, hoovering, manipulating, controlling, shaming, devious.....(fill in the blanks) behaviours. 3. How to explain N's behaviour to our support systems and get the help we really need from them. 4. Dealing with legal systems etc. 5. How to still have a happy and full life in the time we spend with our children. I wrote this topic yesterday when I was feeling really frustrated with the whole co-parent situ. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/05/06/it-not-possible-coparent-black-hole Keep writing ladies, we can all support and help each other. I look forward to both reading and writing here more. KB ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

May 7 - 8AM (Reply to #26)
sanctuary
sanctuary's picture

I'm right there with you

I'm right there with you too, KLARITY. In the short time since I found this site I at least feel like I'm not imagining some of this stuff, or that it's me etc. I try to offer support when I can, vent when I need it, and ask for help and support. A direct link to the parent forum would great Barbara. Beginning this year it's been my goal to work in any way I can find to shed light on this subject. To find ways to educate or even just illuminate people about N/S/P's. I'm learning a lot myself in the process. There are so many amazing people on this site that have a lot to offer. I like KLARITY's idea of taking it to the next level and in addition to what we're already doing here focus on the next steps.
May 7 - 8AM (Reply to #27)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

link

I will see how much it was cost Lisa to have the link put in, as this site isn't free and Lisa spends considerable personal monies to keep it up. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 7 - 9AM (Reply to #28)
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Donations button

Maybe she could look into putting up a donations link too. I like to contribute on forums from which I take benefit and I am sure others do too. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

May 7 - 1PM (Reply to #29)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

there is a donations button

the donations link is in the right hand column under MEMBERS HELPING MEMBERS - Paypal just designate what you want the money alloted to ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 7 - 6AM (Reply to #24)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

parenting

have to talk to the webmaster to see if he can make the Parenting forum visible ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 7 - 6AM (Reply to #25)
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Thanks Barbara

It is when you click on 'more' at the end of 'new topics' section but a direct icon would be good too. I guess quite a few of the parents here haven't realised there is a parenting forum available. Hopefully we can get it a bit more active with topics from now on. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

May 6 - 2PM (Reply to #19)
sanctuary
sanctuary's picture

I agree, we need to do

I agree, we need to do something!! They are all so exactly alike!!! Before I made him leave he couldn't care less about what I did with our daughter. I made all the decisions. I tried to include him but he had other things like drinking and cheating!! I took her to everything, including school every morning, Dr appointments, all of it. I don't even think he knew who her Dr was. On the day he left, we sat the kids down and explained he was moving out. Of the four, only the youngest daughter was his. She was 8, she couldn't have cared less. She said OK and went next door to play. She came back in later and he said he wanted to talk to her alone. All of the sudden she was crying almost hysterically. I asked what happened and he said he had made her "understand" what his leaving would mean. I don't know all of what he said but he couldn't stand the fact that she didn't care if he stayed or not. So he had to get all worked up until he could tell people how upset she was when he left. He hasn't stopped mind f--king her since. Then we get made out to be the nuts because we try to protect them. I've been through the same thing. I wish I could tell you the N stops but hasn't so far. The kids will get it as they get older and you don't have to wait until they're teenagers either. I think mine started to get it around 10 or 11. I'm so glad to have other mom's to talk to because as you know the courts suck, and most people never see him as we do, so they just don't get it.
May 7 - 8AM (Reply to #20)
gullablegull (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Sanctuary

Your post makes me so glad that when STBXBNPH wanted to talk to the boys "by himself" before he left, and I refused him that right. I am SO GLAD! Though, he has no contact with them at all, after being their father figure for 8 years,now he says that's "my fault"? H\I think he would have done this anyway. I'm so glad I didn't give him that opportunity to trash their minds. It's hard enough on them as it is now. What freakin' losers!
May 9 - 4PM (Reply to #22)
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Gullable

My exN isn't my sons bioligical father either but they called him Dad (by his choice). He blames me & says I've kept them from him. He's done enough damage already! He claimed he loved them as his own yet he hasn't seen them in a yr & a half! No Christmas, no birthday presents, nothing! I wish I had never let him close to by boys. Now I'm fighting to keep him away from our daughter.
May 7 - 9AM (Reply to #21)
sanctuary
sanctuary's picture

Good for you!!! These are

Good for you!!! These are the type of things I think KLARITY was referring too. Even seemingly little things like that are really helpful to know. The ExN was step to my other 3 kids. He tried the same thing with them. I'd learned my lesson by then. I got the family counselor to be on the phone while ExN talked to them. Idiot Boy was livid I did that. Too bad..so sad... To this day my boys hate him. He had already told the boys he cheated on me. Even after 9 yrs if I called them right now they'd go over and kick his fat ass!! I also learned to never underestimate the relationship between mother and son!! No matter how young they are. Mine were only 14 & 16 at the time and they got what a Psycho is is. My younger son told me yesterday, "Why spend 2 grand on a lawyer when you can hire an illegal for $500 and solve the problem." Have to admit I laughed but actually thought about it! That's what they drive us to!!
May 6 - 9AM
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Co-parenting with an N isn't possible

"There isn't enough written about how to co-parent with Ns or sociopaths, murderers, child molesters...to me, my ExN is no better than a convicted felon." Lets write something! Although imo co-parenting isn't possible, there is no 'co' in this situation just a compassionate ordinary human being against a blood sucking narcissist who will do his best to destroy his own children in a bid to bring down the loving mother who dares to stand against him. I feel there are only two options, RUN FAST or FIGHT HARD and there has to be a lot of wisdom and preparation to do either. I have found that the first step in pretending to co-parent with an N is to use the knowledge of his predictable disorder to work the situation to the childrens best advantage. This gives the N a false sense of security and bides us time to prepare an exit or enough evidence for a court case. Then we gather enough steam or evidence to distance the vacuous piece of shit as far away from our precious kids as possible and wait for our moment to strike. He is depraved so he has to return to depravity sooner or later. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

May 6 - 1PM (Reply to #11)
wthellwasithinking
wthellwasithinking's picture

Get your pen and paper!

YOU ARE RIGHT! "will do his best to destroy his own children in a bid to bring down the loving mother who dares to stand against him." And I like how you said, "Pretending to Co-parent." So true. People around me know I do not call him by his name, father, daddy, sperm donor...I simply say, "*IT* is coming to pick up my daughter." I have given up on court cases simply bc I can't afford it and every time I've been, mediators look at me like I'm crazy and give me the whole "he's the father, she deserves to have a father...blah, blah, blah." My ass. She deserves to have MY father be her FATHER. IT doesn't deserve ANY kind of relationship with her. Makes me think a N-male was the law maker with this load of crap. I have become such a Mama Bear since the day that baby came from MY VAGINA and MY WOMB. Just bc IT's sperm made it to MY EGG doesn't make him the end all and be all of Fathers. As I said before, he is no better than a sick-o child molester bc that's exactly what he's doing-molesting her-Not in the physical sense, but he is molesting her feelings, identity and security. Plainly put-if I could disappear into the abyss with my child, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would live in a forest with the Hillbillys of W. Virginia and eat raccoons and drink moonshine if it meant I wouldn't have to "share" my daughter with him. There is NO Parenting with them at all. Sick, Evil, Manipulative sorry excuses for a living Creature. That's what he is...a creature...from a far away planet that needs to be disposed of before their "way of being" is spread like a disease. Their evil bleeds into the very blood of their offspring and our poor precious children have to live through the same things we did...helpless and with no voice. I'm hoping that eventually, Disney Dad will run out of tokens on his ploy to gain acceptance from my daughter. I'm hoping the ponies will die, the kittens will die and the aura around his home will vanish into the depths of hell where it belongs. * My name is Davy Jones * Will Turner: You loved her. She's the one, then you cut your heart out... Davy Jones: [tentacles bristling with rage] No... she PRETENDED to love me! SHE betrayed ME! Will Turner: And after which betrayal did you cut out your heart?

* My name is Davy Jones *
Will Turner: You loved her. She's the one, then you cut your heart out...
Davy Jones: [tentacles bristling with rage] No... she PRETENDED to love me! SHE betrayed ME!
Will Turner: And after which betrayal did you cut

May 7 - 4AM (Reply to #12)
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Love the way you write

Whthellwasithinking - you have a great way with words, passionate, intense and humourous. "I would live in a forest with the Hillbillys of W. Virginia and eat raccoons and drink moonshine if it meant I wouldn't have to "share" my daughter with him." Now that helps me to 'get' just how passionately you despise him. Mine is such a mysogynist and being as he hates all vagina's so much I refer to him as the 'c' word to some of my very close pals. My closest male friend just has to look at my face sometimes and he says "what's the C*** done this time!?" It really helps me to call him that even though I actually despise the word or hearing it in any other situation. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

May 11 - 9AM (Reply to #16)
wthellwasithinking
wthellwasithinking's picture

Well thanks!

Well thanks! Apparently I am not good with face-to-face confrontation, simple conversations, arguing and the simple fact of breathing according to IT. Guess I've had to vent through writing and trying to paint a picture to someone who reads my journals just how much I hurt, hate, despise and regret ever crossing paths with the monster. Really, there are no true words to describe exactly what he has done to my soul and now my daughter. Some days, like today, I don't know if I will ever really heal from the 7 years of shit he put me through. He just remarried over the weekend and seeing him be all happy and content drives me over the edge. I see that his life has continued effortlessly while I am stuck in neutral. I am having to rebuild my life and find a new career to even support myself...all while he gallivants around with his bleach-blonde, new $150k barn, new BMW, new truck etc. But it is the ultimate stab in the back to watch my baby load up in his shiny new BMW with the new Mrs standing by her man...and my child. Well, I'm glad you like my writing and perhaps brings a chuckle to your tummy for a second or two...but I'm serious, I'm scoping out my own piece of heaven up in the rolling mountains of W. Virginia!! * My name is Davy Jones * Will Turner: You loved her. She's the one, then you cut your heart out... Davy Jones: [tentacles bristling with rage] No... she PRETENDED to love me! SHE betrayed ME! Will Turner: And after which betrayal did you cut out your heart?

* My name is Davy Jones *
Will Turner: You loved her. She's the one, then you cut your heart out...
Davy Jones: [tentacles bristling with rage] No... she PRETENDED to love me! SHE betrayed ME!
Will Turner: And after which betrayal did you cut

May 11 - 5PM (Reply to #17)
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Bleach Blonde will get D&D'd too

So sorry to hear what he is putting you through right now. Parading himself like Mr Wonderful with new wife on his arm, but remember she is just an object to him too, a trophy wife. If she ever dares to raise an emotional need of her own or ask for anything that requires genuine intimacy or support in the future, you can be sure she will be d&d'd too - these guys don't change, it isn't different this time no matter how great her fake shade of blonde is. Having the slimeball anywhere near your daughter is a hatred I can understand and the sooner you whisk her away to those mountains far from his false and shallow world, the better. Keep on going with that plan WTHWIT and leave no forwarding address. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

May 7 - 7AM (Reply to #13)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Misogyny

I could use my ex-N's initials to make that particular curse word. One of my friends and I refer to my ex-N as He Who Must Not be Named.
May 7 - 9AM (Reply to #14)
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

They don't deserve names!

I agree they are voldemorts and their proxies are wormtails - I refer to ex N and his wife by those terms sometimes too. It helps to vent the anger with a bit of humour doesn't it? Great we have friends to share it with too in real life and online. The N's have no-one but their proxies who are being controlled to nod anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

May 7 - 5PM (Reply to #15)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Emotional Voldemorts

Interesting... both a friend and I refer to my ex-N as "He who Must Not Be Named." What a coincidence...
May 5 - 1PM
wthellwasithinking
wthellwasithinking's picture

It sucks ASS....BAD

I feel you and I know what you're saying. There isn't enough written about how to co-parent with Ns or sociopaths, murderers, child molesters...to me, my ExN is no better than a convicted felon. I haven't actually had to see mine bc my daughter isn't in kindergarten yet. She will be this year and I am NOT looking forward to having to share information about extracurricular activities when the time comes. So far, when he has his weekends she hasn't been allowed to attend birthday parties or anything else. It's frustrating because he also lives in another county 50+ miles away and he won't bring her back to do things that she wants to. She misses out on a lot of stuff. He, like yours, is extremely good at putting on a great front. I've been called every name in the book and the divorce was made to look like I was a crazy girl that "made" him do the things he did to me. However, he and his family have made certain that those details haven't surfaced. I know how you feel about the OW...he is getting remarried this weekend to a gal that he was with before me. Talk about a stab in the back...in fact, when I found out he was seeing her again he told me, "I'm not seeing her...but that would be the ULTIMATE slap in the face wouldn't it?" Now the wound only gets bigger and he has salted it all himself. This OW doesn't have any children and she waited for 7 years for him to divorce me. I hate her, I hate him. I have had to see her in his car when he comes to pick up my daughter...since he can't ever just come by himself. I hate it and I hate seeing her. I hate the fact that my daughter has to live in the environment every other weekend. I hate the fact that the OW tries to be a "mother" to her...she's NOT her mother! I'm afraid I will have to see her on a more personal basis (like at school events) when my daughter starts school. I actually have not put her in anything bc I don't want to deal with it. And not only the OW but my evil ExMIL, SIL, FIL...the whole family is a den of serpents. I hate the fact that he is her father...I loved him so much and wanted a family and in every sense, he has robbed me of so much joy and experiences. I don't think you can truly parent normally when you are always looking over your back for the next bomb to drop. He is nothing but a sperm donor and not a "real" father...he's the typical "Disney Dad" that showers the kid with ponies, kittens and stuff. Co-parenting, or whatever shitty verb you want to call it, sucks. They don't listen, they do whatever benefits them and not what is in the best interest of the child, they lie, they cheat, they lie some more...it's like I can't get away from him no matter if I'm married to him or not. I'm trapped. The days are good when I don't have to talk to him, but old feelings and anger come back when having to deal with him. It's like being back in the hell hole I lived in 9 years ago. * My name is Davy Jones * Will Turner: You loved her. She's the one, then you cut your heart out... Davy Jones: [tentacles bristling with rage] No... she PRETENDED to love me! SHE betrayed ME! Will Turner: And after which betrayal did you cut out your heart?

* My name is Davy Jones *
Will Turner: You loved her. She's the one, then you cut your heart out...
Davy Jones: [tentacles bristling with rage] No... she PRETENDED to love me! SHE betrayed ME!
Will Turner: And after which betrayal did you cut

May 11 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Parenting?

The parenting issue is the worst with me. I was married to a biopolar alcoholic for ten years, got out of that with our two daughters, and ended up with this guy, who was going to take care of my children as his own, adored them, worshipped them. He is a judge and, though I didn't even know that when we fell in love (or when I did, anyway), it was amazing to think that they would have the benefit of such an inspiring and connected person to help make up for the abuse and neglect they had gone through as very young children. Fast forward two years. I went to the OB for a ferility screening (I was forty) so that we could get started on having the children we wanted together. Two days after the screening, he brought home (to HIS home) a four-year-old foster child, with no warning, who is the only thing that matters in his life now... Well, him and my N's harem of women that they hang out with (yes, the child, too). He calls me "Mama" and has told me he's actually slept in bed with the N and another woman. Sick, sick, sick. So here I am, at 43, alone, my reputation smeared by the N, a bona fide nutcase who has run screaming down the block more than once, slapped him in the street more than once, and--now--infertile, with two kids and on antidepressants. And for this I left my husband! LOL
May 5 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
hope4me
hope4me's picture

it sucks

OMG, I think we lived the same life, and still are. Everything you just wrote, word for word has and is my life. I could copy and paste and not change a thing. It is a nightmare. And it does suck when they take the kids on the weekend and don't allow them to go to camps, birthday parties, play dates. I fear the kids will stop trying to include my daughters and they will eventually be the outcasts because they don't show up for activities so much of the time. I hate it. It's all about him and he says it's "his time with them." WTF?? He didn't give a crap about spending time with them for 10 years, now he wants to be daddy do good. Disgusting.
May 6 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
M
M's picture

I cannot believe how similar

I cannot believe how similar our stories are! My exN only became interested in my daughter & her activities after the divorce. His soccer game attendance while married? 2 out of 8 Now? 4 of 4 She asked me yesterday how long he was going to live at his friend's house. Michvegas
May 5 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

hope4me

he's trying to impress someone that's SUPER PARENT SYNDROME http://saveanangel.webs.com/abuseisreal.htm time for a psych evaluation for him ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 6 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
hope4me
hope4me's picture

counseling

The sad part is when I had my first daughter in counseling 4 years ago when all this started he wanted no part of it. The counselor told him he was an absent father and if we didn't work together our family would fal apart. He refused to go to counseling, said he didn't need a counselor to tell him how to live his life. After the divorce I again had them in counseling, a different one, and I had told the counselor how he was. I would listen in on her interactions with the girls and they ALWAYS praised him and said wonderful things about daddy, even though he hadn't been there for most of their childhood. I think the problem is that he did everything behind closed doors and everyone else saw the good guy and still does. Only my family and close friends saw how he ignored the kids and never came home. I guarantee he would pass a psych evaluation. He's slick, a snake. People tell me that I was the reason he was the way he was, he just wasn't happy with me and that's why he ignored our home. Now, he wants to have a relationship with his kids and the OW makes him happy so I should let it go. These people have no clue.
May 6 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
wthellwasithinking
wthellwasithinking's picture

Others Have NO CLUE at all

Even my very best friends don't get me or get what I went through. I've heard the same things..."maybe you just pushed his buttons and made him lash out, maybe ya'll just weren't good for each other, maybe you just were a little too immature for an adult relationship." Heard it, been pissed about hearing it, cried after hearing it...they just don't know. It's hard to describe everything I've been through and my friends just say, "wow, if that *really* did happen I wouldn't even have taken his shit for 2 minutes." Absolutely makes my skin crawl. Even when you try to help people understand the disorder they just blow it off as we weren't strong enough, independent enough to just make the behavior stop. I went to therapists with him and it was the same story...he would cover his ass and actually made me look loony, jealous, insecure, anger problems. It was like a dream where you try to talk and you can't. I constantly felt like I had his finger along with everyone else in my face..."you're really kinda the problem. Just relax and let him be the man and everything will work out." What a crock. They had no idea what it was like to go home and live behind doors with that animal. He acted like such a hero and such the provider. It was a joke and I'm the only one who knew the punch line. Nobody could ever imagine such a good, down to earth, humble, good ol boy would ever even harm a fly. WRONG! But people still look at him the same...a good guy. And I gave him the short end of the stick. Yeah, he wants to act like he wanted a child and everything that comes with it but my daughter can now tell me that most of the weekends she is with the grandmother. What a guy... * My name is Davy Jones * Will Turner: You loved her. She's the one, then you cut your heart out... Davy Jones: [tentacles bristling with rage] No... she PRETENDED to love me! SHE betrayed ME! Will Turner: And after which betrayal did you cut out your heart?

* My name is Davy Jones *
Will Turner: You loved her. She's the one, then you cut your heart out...
Davy Jones: [tentacles bristling with rage] No... she PRETENDED to love me! SHE betrayed ME!
Will Turner: And after which betrayal did you cut

May 6 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
hope4me
hope4me's picture

no clue

Well my ex NH actually takes the kids with him, he doesn't leave them with a sitter BUT they go to HIS race car driving meets, HIS volleyball games, HIS friends parties, HIS rodeo events so it's NEVER really their weekend. Sure they are with him, but it's not ever about them, it's all about HIM. They say they have fun because they are still young and it gets them out of the house but they are with no other children and all their friends are in our town. I hope when the teenage years hit, they drop him like a hot potato.